My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

Not all people need to clean and tidy franticly before they have visitors. I would say majority of people dont.

Well I don’t think you are forced to do a load of laundry if you don’t actually have any to do!

Everyone I suspect. I think sometimes, when reading posts like this, there is a lot of denial about how bad things are and how ‘clean’ it really is when it’s been ‘cleaned’.

Mine wasn’t been cleaned properly for about 3. All that’s happened is a bit of bleach down the loo and periodic bath rinsing. I need a cleaner as there is not enough time in my day.

What I can help op with is tidying. Which is a pre cleaning stage. From now on every piece of anything which strays ask why. Was it in the wrong place, can we move it’s home? How can we stop this being untidy?

Ie. Towels always left on landing or bathroom floor. Get a specific towel laundry.

A million cups end up on the counter or scattered around the house each day. Have less cups.

You cba to empty the dishwasher but you have dirty. Take enough out to fit new stuff in and run again even if half clean.

The kids toys go everywhere. Get baskets for each activity/genre or create stations. One basket a time and they play tidy up game.

Things end up on the stairs. Get stair baskets for up and down.

I call these the house systems and house flow. Get it right and it’s bliss. It does take years of constant analysing and reorganising the house flow. These can be as stupid as where does the channel changer live or I have too many cushions.

Goodluck

One load of laundry a day would be a reduction in how much we do. Between five people's clothes, four beds to turn around, towels, flannels and tea-towels. I don't know how anyone with kids gets to the bottom of their wash basket.

I’ll probably be completely torn apart for this but
Low motivation can be down to not eating properly and even depression.

Id get your bloods checked out or at the very least start upping your vitamin b12 and get out in the fresh air for a walk.
Both might help to lift your spirits but good levels of vitamin b12 will definitely help.

It takes a max of two minutes, probably less. And it's a lot quicker than leaving it for a week and having to spray and scrub limescale off the taps and shower screen (we have very hard water here).

I’ve been waiting 20 years for my dh to realise there’s a bathroom in the house and clean it.

I'm nearly 60 and this is a struggle I've had really ever since my DC were born.
It's not so much I'm a slob, more I get overwhelmed by it all these days and stop fighting the clutter and the housework slips so the place starts looking awful.
I accept with me it's down to too much "stuff" and not enough space or storage along with clearing my parents house when they died and gaining losing 30kg in weight in the past 14 years. So a lot of stuff came home to a small and already full home even though I was so strict about what did from mum and dads there's still several boxes of possessions and paperwork that I need to chip away at. Then Vinted. Oh my, so many beautiful things for sale on there that I've bought. I just haven't kept up with getting rid of the too big clothes!

I honestly feel the secret is less stuff, I'm working on the kitchen cupboards at the moment and there's so much in there that's out of date or never used ready to be chucked.

We still have old school dustbins where I am. I'm setting myself the target of 2 extra bin liners worth of rubbish leaving the property per week. And a one in one out policy with new to me/us clothes. It's all down to having too much stuff and getting overwhelmed by it in the first place.

You've had a lot of responses and I haven't read twt so this has probably been said but this is what I'd do:
Keep list of things that you want to get done but that aren't routine. I have a list like this on my phone. So not for "clean the loo" or "wash up" because they're routine but rather things like "put new batteries in XX", "rub marks off stairs carpet" Make a decision to do one of these a day, or even one a week. A number you can stick to. You know they'll get done but don't have to worry about forgetting or get cross with yourself for not doing more

I love the mantra "never leave a room empty handed". As you move around your house just always take one thing that needs taking to where you're going. Makes a difference

Regarding routine stuff, I allocate a time in the day that suits me, so for me it's after work but not straight away- cup of tea first- to do house jobs. In that time I do what I can but once that time's over- at teatime for me- I stop and don't do any more. I need downtime and I just don't want domestic jobs always round my neck. From about half 5 for about an hour I do whatever needs doing but then have full permission to stop. For you this might be 10 mins twice a day, a big session once a week or whatever suits you. The point for me is that I know it's on the agenda and outside of that time I'm not obliged to do anything

Oddly the bathroom is the cleanest tidiest room in my house too.

''Method'' Shower and bathroom spray cleaner is superb for hard water areas- I live in an area where the water is brutally hard like you.

Squeegeeing down the shower takes very little time after a couple of spritzes with 'Method'.

White Vinegar is also superb against hard water deposits and cleaning kettles.

Ruthless decluttering is the answer. Marie Kondo book is helpful

Clean little and often

Robot cleaner for the kitchen

Dishwasher

Tidy away after each meal. Don't leave it until later

Buy plenty of eg toilet paper, batteries, birthday cards, so you're not caught out

I agree there is a huge difference between untidy and unclean.

I am not dismissing your concerns as I love it when our house has its days of looking perfect ( to my aesthetic). I waft about without a care in the world ( it really does feel like a weight lifted!) and then before you know it …

However a few things I would note that are intended to be supportive not dismissive:

IME it is almost certainly not you making it messy. The person who tidies and cleans up most tends to learn more tricks to keep it that way. It will be the dc (who are ironically the ones complaining ) and possibly DH. To address this try two things . Firstly pull them up when they leave a dirty glass or drop their coat on a chair etc. Secondly, as you tidy up, mentally say the name of the person who left the item there. This was revelatory for me: DH’s name was most often in my head! You have your culprit(s). This is a more realistic approach than treating the whole issue as your own problem and staring in wonderment at how “ you” have let it get that way. Even if it is harder to get them to help than to do it yourself ( and it actually shouldn’t be but sometimes life rebels) at least you don’t carry as much mental guilt and frustration with yourself.

Secondly, while I think dirty homes are a problem, in all honesty the most “ Spick and span” homes I visit really are the least interesting ( indeed, even faintly boring) people I know. Clutter often happens because people have interests and hobbies ( in our house we have a book storage problem) ; and mess happens because people are thinking and doing more interesting things than tidying up. There is a happy balance but I honestly find nothing more soul destroying than a house like a show home with no evidence of “ richness” of existence. It’s all a balance.

I like this advice.

once you are “on top” of it or done. You still have to get rid of a bag or so per week. And about once a month I go round with a black bin bag and do a bin/charity shop sweep.
once a year I do everyone’s clothes except my horder DHs

Oh yeah we have a crap room ( and I don’t mean the loo) and a crap drawer ( definitely not that meaning!)

@keenunkempt I used to think I was a slob too. Can't keep my home tidy to save my life. Turns out it's ADHD.

My mum does the “ take something with you when you move room” trick. It works quite well for her. If I did it, I’d forget why I left the room in the first place 🤪

It's hard to know whether you mean messy/cluttered, or actually dirty/unhygienic. Either way, you need a massive clear out first and make sure everything has a home. Kids have to tidy up each evening, plus do some age appropriate chores. It's much easier to do a few small things every day than let it get bad, then spend a whole day on it.

I found this book helpful and achievable: How to Keep House While Drowning.

In order for houses to be kept tidy and clean.
1 you need a system for housework in that you have a daily routine in much the same way you wash, shower and brush your teeth. I clean the toilets, wipe over sink/shower and wipe kitchen surfaces clean. Hoovering is twice a week but we don't have pets or kids.

2 you need to keep belongings, clothes to a minimum and a place for things to be kept. Tidy up once a day and put everything away.

I have a one in and one out rule. If I buy something I have to get rid of something we already have. DH however is not like this and clutters the house with his stuff. For that reason he has the garage and a hobby room (DD2s old bedroom) and all his stuff gets dumped in there. I do t touch it and every so often he has a clear out. He knows that our bedroom, living room and kitchen has to stay clean and tidy as that is a shared space.

Get your kids onboard with helping to keep the house organised and not messy.

OP hasn’t come back yet but there are hundreds of messages on here. Hope this is helpful and not overwhelming for her! 🌼
I am finding it helpful for sure.

One thing that always strikes me reading threads like these… I wonder how many men are posting on online forums agonising about the state of their houses? Listening to cleaning pod casts? Writing themselves daily routines for keeping on top of things? Not many, I’d wager.
If you have a partner at home, keeping the house clean and children in clean clothes is not solely your responsibility. If you have children at home over about the age of 3, it is also not solely your responsibility. Keeping the house in a decent state is the responsibility of everyone who lives in it.

Oh re the batteries OP, my mum was actually a relatively tidy person but growing up I do remember the batteries issue. For that reason I’ve been quite good with it for my DC and I bought an initial stash of a pack of every size when my first was a baby. I keep them in the aforementioned crap drawer and every so often I choose one size to reorder on amazon so we have a constant supply. It doesn’t mean I’m never caught out but a rummage in the crap drawer normally results in a successful battery find! Problem is dh can never find the screwdriver that fits to actually replace them …

I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day.

This is the issue. Stop focusing on perfect, work on adequate. I used put off cleaning a room if I didn’t have the time to do everything from top to bottom so I used to spend every weekend catching up. Now it’s little and often. I vacuum every day (we have dogs and a cat so it’s necessary), keep on top of kitchens and bathrooms by never letting it get into a complete mess and also do one extra thing such as clean the sink, do the bath, wash a window in our busy rooms each day. I stick a wash in (and make sure it is put away immediately) each day too. I don’t leave a room without putting something away (and I make the kids do the same). Then I flick a duster round when I can and the house always looks ok. I occasionally have a blitz clean but only when I fancy it. Your home doesn’t need to perfect, it just needs to be liveable.

Regarding clutter. Try going into one room at a time. Begin by picking up a single item no matter how small and place it where it belongs. If it's old & done, bin it. When it comes to decluttering a home there's nothing more satisfying than a full bin bag of unnecessary rubbish.
Clothes can either be put away or into the wash basket one item at a time. Keeping up with family washing isn't easy. Try separating different loads into bags then do one bag at a time to get you on a more regular path. Wishing you all the best with this, it's tough. Keep us updated 😊