My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

Weird really that you think all kids feel exactly the same way yours do about mess/dirt.

Children like happy homes.

No they don’t want to be tripping over mess on the floor; but they really couldn’t care less if the window cleaner came nine months ago not six, nor do they notice that the stair banister needs re-varnishing.

It’s easy to overstate what is being done to be a good parent and what is being done to appease the adults - both occupants and visitors.

That's not the problem ADHD people have with dopamine. Low dopamine means low motivation, for example when scientists removed dopamine receptors in rats, the rats would not make an effort to get food. Sometimes doing something that raises dopamine levels means you can then get started on your tasks.

I don't have ADHD but I definitely don't get a dopamine rush from washing up (Am I doing it wrong?!) Or from cleaning, ironing or vacuuming. I loathe housework! I would rather be doing almost anything than that, but as I hate mess more I grit my teeth, switch off/avoid anything which I could use as a distraction, and get on with it. Not all 'normal' (whatever that is) people love or even enjoy housework. Far from it-it's as boring as hell, and I am constantly thinking of things I'd rather be doing while I'm doing it. So-now I'm off to find some washing up to do to try for that dopamine rush..🙂

@DreamyHazelPoet

You can’t just spend all the time cuddling your kids and letting your house go to ruin
That’s not fair on anyone

I literally said neurotypical people MAY get satisfaction (a dopamine rush) from doing it. Not that every "normal" person does! 🙄

And if you read the rest of my post you'll see that the lack of satisfaction from housework isn't the only reason I struggle with doing it. Executive functioning disorder plays a bit part and the things I am being "distracted" by are other chores which I can't just "avoid". Not all people with ADHD will have the same reasons for finding housework difficult but it is something nearly all people who have ADHD do struggle with for various reasons.

Your post basically smacks off I don't enjoy it either but I just get on with it so don't use ADHD as a reason you can't do the same and you're last line of "So-now I'm off to find some washing up to do to try for that dopamine rush..🙂" is patronising and demeans the struggles lack of dopamine causes. which just shows you have no understanding or empathy for the difficulty having ADHD brings.

You have never read any posts on here from adults that grew up in messy, chaotic homes? Most of them are not looking back on how lovely it was reminiscing about a great childhood.
There is a happy medium, most kids won't notice a slightly untidy home with a few crumbs on the worktop because they will have seen that at home!
They definitely do notice houses that are 'disgusting' as per OPs post, kids are not stupid and they can see differences in the way people live.

Sorry OP, I haven't read the whole thread. Dropping in to highly recommend 'How to Keep House While Drowning' by KC Davis, if it hasn't been mentioned already. I found it so helpful.

Who is talking about bannisters overdue for a revarnish or the window cleaner going awol? Is this what you are imagining when the op was saying that her children are embarrassed of their home?

No I didn’t imagine OP meant that. But the thread has broadened now to people saying how immaculate they keep theirs, how easy it is and how very worthwhile .

I don't think a home needs to be immaculate to be a happy home. I think it needs to be functioning and clean. So, when you go to make dinner, you aren't tripping over a kitchen full of unwashed plates, unclean counter tops and reaching into a fridge with out of date food. And when you get dressed in the morning, you only need to open a drawer, not hunt around the house for clean and dry clothes. And you can share a meal with friends and family at the dinner table without have to spend thirty minutes decluttering paperwork and laundry. You can have a bath when you fancy one, not just when you can summon enough energy to scrub it down after it's been neglected.

A happy home is an environment that is a friend to your day-to-day life and isn't tripping you up at every point. Children benefit from that as much as adults do, more-so, actually.

And all that is before you account for the shame of living in an uncared for home and the ways you might close down opportunities to be sociable, as a result.

It's not all, I'd rather be playing Lego with my kids. You say there needs to be balance in the discussion but that has to include not minimizing the drain it is to live in a chaotic home.

My DD really hated any kind of mess - now she has 2 little ones, she is more forgiving of me

As I said, all kids are different. She wouldn’t complain about it to me as she isn’t rude, but I know it stresses her out.
I hated mess when I was a kid too.

Yes, but it can be circular. Children who dislike disorder are more likely to tidy after themselves, and since a lot of household mess is made by children in the first place, it's self rectifying in a sense.

@Idontpostmuch, our house was always clean and tidy and l was surprised by the mess in a friend’s bedroom when I went to play there because I was always helped to keep mine tidy. Many children do notice. I like tidiness and cleanliness but these things are not a priority for everyone. Cleanliness is the most important and my advice to the OP would be to make sure that the kitchen surfaces are cleaned daily and a daily dose of Toilet Duck, or equivalent, in the bowl is a good idea when you have young children. Also, keep on top of laundry. Everything else can be done on a weekly basis, or more often if needed.

No, not basing it just on my own two, but on their friends as well.

I really do find the constant keeping a house clean isn't anything to do with adhd incredibly irritating! It's like telling a person with a physical disability, I can walk up the stairs why can't u!

Other disabilities doesn't need constant reminding they are disability! People with adhd struggle with tasks, starting /keeping on task and finishing it's a neurological disorder. It's not a people can pick or choose weather it's a real thing! Enough people have explained her why it's a problem. There shouldn't then be a debate about how real a disability is! Or how real it effects the ability to organise a house! We don't debate weather people who are blind could possibly see or maybe a little bit ot maybe it isn't that bad why is it acceptable for hidden disabilities. I do understand people wanting to know more about it and asking respectfully, but then trying to lull about explanations just feels so icky as someone who suffers from.adhd

I think you've misunderstood. Nobody's saying anyone's a better mum for living with mess, just that it doesn't make anyone a bad mum.

What do blind weather presenters have to do with it? A bit puzzled.

I am dyslexic as well so grammar and spelling isn't very good and I've had an extremely long easter hoildays , but yes carry on with the disrespect I mean its expected here

Declutter , honestly the best thing I ever did was hire a skip for the day

Did anyone watch episode with Stacey Solomon sort your life out with the lady who suffers from adhd?
if you haven’t watched it do!

this explains a lot of why some ppl can’t get into a habit of routine cleaning, de cluttering and having a functional house even when they have children, it’s not just ppl with adhd that are like this neither

i have posted on here already but what I didn’t mention is I have OCD and that is why I chose to be a private house cleaner I'm the complete opposite I love nothing more than getting a household in order, my house is not completely immaculate I have a dog(annoys me with the mess, muddy footprints when it’s wet outside and a partner who is very messy indeed plus 2 children who are tweens )but I have coping methods in place that I have been using over the years so I’m not as anxious over mess.

I have friends that their houses are like show homes and then others that have chaotic mess but it’s who they are, and their children are loved and cared for not neglected and come from happy homes like some have mentioned in their posts about chid neglect! You are not a bad parent for choosing not to have a perfect family home everyone is different in how they choose to live in their homes.
Yes children may be embarrassed by how they live and not want to invite friends over etc as said no one knows why ppl choose to live like they do. every one has their own ideas of how a home should look like and stop judging others who can’t keep an ideal show home!

My issue is that I can have a clean house... but I absolutely have to be able to focus just on the house. I need to be able to ignore work, cooking, kids and just clean and sort. What I can't cope with is the sort of stop-start cleaning that you really need with family life - do 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there, and sort and organise as you go. My brain just doesn't seem to work that way. Although I manage the basics - clean clothes for everyone, dishwasher constantly loaded and unloaded, pans washed up, hoovering a few times a week, kitchen surfaces wiped down, bins taken out, bathroom cleaned - I can't really manage doing all the other cleaning and sorting needed for a tidy house unless I can concentrate on just that. So things get put down everywhere, drawers don't get tidied out and we have various "corners" throughout the house that are just a mass of stuff.

We have a fortnightly cleaner and I make a little bit of progress every time before she comes... but the way I do this is by plonking DC in front of screens, totally ignoring them and giving them takeaway pizza for dinner. Also, the house goes to pot whenever there's an urgent work deadline to meet or some other life stress, because I spend the time I would have spent cleaning dealing with that.

I would like to have a really tidy house, but my job, playing with my kids and serving my kids healthy food are more important imo than having everything spick and span. I realise that there are probably lots of people who could balance everything that I have to deal with more efficiently than me - work 30-40 hours a week and some overtime, do school drop-offs and pick-ups, take DC to activities, spend time with them at home, do reading and homework, cook from scratch at least a few times a week, sort school uniform and pack lunchboxes and do the very basic housework which is necessary to function as a family, and still find time to have a neat, pristine and organised house. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm not one of them. So one evening a fortnight, I abandon DC downstairs with pizza and snacks, plug my headphones in and crack on with trying to make some progress at the tasks which otherwise would never get looked at. It's a bit like Sisyphus rolling the rock up and down the hill, but I guess that's ok.

If you’re a single mum with no help, which it sounds like you are from your post, it is of course much harder.

I’m not just being kind in saying this, I honestly think those pizza/ dvd days would have been a highlight of my childhood! Not all the time obvs; but it sounds to me like you have a realistic balance.

We also tend to keep the cleaning schedule ticking over ( mostly as I’m a bit of a germ phone) but every few weeks I have to have a big blitz on all the “ creep “: basically craft stuff from school that I privately intend to bin but have to give a couple of token weeks being showcased, and paperwork build up, mail that is interesting but doesn’t warrant filing, books now read but still not put back etc.

But I’ve obviously drawn the short straw as, contrary to all the posts here about dcs loving a tidy home, whenever I have one of my big blitzes and get it all perfect noone says a thing! I hover about fishing for compliments like an attention-seeking debutante: “ The woodwork looks nice wiped over doesn’t it?”; “ And was it nice to wake up in your lovely tidy room?” “ See how organised the pantry looks!” I never get much response and feel like a total lame-o😢!