My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

Also to get kids to help these have worked for me
-10/20p pocket money for jobs
-allocating jobs that they do every day (tidy room, feed animals, put shoes in hallway away)
-iPad time after jobs are done
-football cards as rewards for bigger jobs
-if we all have a quick 1 hour clean on a Saturday morning then we can go do something fun afterwards
-GoHenry card with tasks to tick off

My bathroom is the only room in my house that's always clean and tidy.

I squeegee the shower screen and dry all the metal bits every time I have a shower or use the basin, because it's easier to dry the stupid polished taps etc than to try and get the limescale off afterwards, and then I wipe the sink with the same cloth. I wrap a towel round me and by the time I've dried the surfaces, I'm dry too.

Who on earth has time to do that every weekday morning before work? I already get up at 6:40, I'm not getting up earlier to polish stuff! Anyway, it's completely unnecessary to clean it that often!

My husband's take on tidiness is to make sure everything has a home.

I find it difficult, so we have a box in every room for things that don't belong there. Every evening the boxes get emptied and put in their right places.

Im a working single parent with two kids, and have never been very into cleaning so I’m a long way from perfect! A couple of things which work for me:

I do one load of laundry per day when the kids are having breakfast. I empty the dry stuff from the dryer to the basket, clean from washer to dryer and pop a new load in. Try and put everything away but if I run out of time I leave it clean in the basket and do it the next day.

I have a cleaner for 2 hours per week and tidy before she comes.

I do a food order once a week and go through the fridge when I’m doing that and bin anything that looks dodgy.

I keep a really close eye on what I bring into the house to try and keep clutter down. Every few weeks I’ll go round with a bin bag and try to fill it to keep clutter down.

Start small OP and I’d definitely start with ensuring they wear clean clothes. This really will embarrass them more than having an untidy house - which is obviously not the same as having an unclean house. Which would be my second priority after their clothes being clean and well presented (ironed if very creased) every day. I’m a teacher and I notice dirty and even very creased uniform. Do you try to buy clothes that don’t require ironing to make the laundry process less daunting so it’s just the washing then quick folding to do? That helps massively I find.

Maybe I am lazy but I can’t imagine doing this every day after working all day and making packed lunches and dinner, catching up on school day/homework etc.

I write myself notes on what needs doing and do certain things at certain times, so after breakfast have a quick sort out of the kitchen and put a load in the washing machine. It's just having a routine really! If you're generally unmotivated give yourself a time slot each day where you 'have' to get things done. I find it easier to go room to room, so start with the kitchen then the living room and then move upstairs. A great help for me has been having a huge declutter. Getting rid of things we didn't use or need and being minimalistic. X

If you can, I’d recommend paying someone to do a deep clean of your house. If you can’t you’ll need to dedicate a day to doing this. I’d also recommend having a massive sort out and de clutter. Throw away anything broken or that doesn’t get used. Organise what you keep so everything has a place. Once the house is clean you’ll then need a routine for keeping on top of everything. For example, Monday - clean the living room and hallways, Tuesday - clean the kitchen, Wednesday - clean the bathroom, Thursday - clean the kids bedrooms and change bedding, Friday - clean your bedroom and change bedding. Saturday - hoover upstairs. If you stick to a routine like this religiously you can normally do a room in about 20 minutes. Daily tasks probably need to include hoovering downstairs, washing up and cleaning the kitchen sides, tidying and putting things away and doing a wash load.

@keenunkempt lots of good advice already. The most important things is to be kind to yourself as you are more than willing, but find it difficult. From what you have said, it is very likely that you have executive dysfunction (rather than being a ‘slob’ as slobs tend to be unaware/unwilling to change, which you aren’t).

My other half is like this, main reason we will never live together lol. He finds it so overwhelming, will take him about three hours to do a sink full of dishes. I feel like he has ADHD or something along them lines. I have helped him many times and he still struggles to stay on top of it. Do you have anyone who can help you? For some people it only takes that little bit of support and guidance to get you going. Hope it all works out for you.

I don't understand how a house can be 'disgusting' within a day of being cleaned? Surely you're being a bit hard on yourself here? I sometimes miss mouldy food too. It's not the end of the world.. I've got in the routine of clearing out before I get my shopping delivered but sometimes something goes mouldy in between, it's not the end of the world.

I do prioritise the washing because it stresses me out if there's nothing clean to wear but again it gets backed up sometimes.

I imagined by your title that you were living in one of the hoarders houses you hear about but everything you've mentioned seems relatively normal to me. Little things do get missed sometimes when life is busy.

Find what works for you. Write a short list every day and try and stick to it. If not move it to the next day. I try and put a washing load on everyday. At least then everyone has clean clothes as school may pick up on it if your children aren’t looking clean. I also hoover downstairs every day. I also keep down stairs as tidy as possible. If you do a weekly food shop always empty the fridge of out of date food before putting the next lot in. Can you afford a cleaner/ironing person if you struggle because your working etc? Once a week I have a set day to clean the house properly. But if your kids are little maybe start small and pick 1 room a day. It’s what works for you.

Having a clean and tidy home is among my top essentials for good mental health, so I've spent a lot of time and effort working out how to achieve that. The main thing for me is for keeping things clean and tidy is how we do everything, rather than something we try and achieve on top of how we live our lives.

It starts with two rules

1. There is a place for everything and everything is in its place.

1. Don't put it down put it away.

Until you have those in place, you are swimming against the tide. Start by decluttering til there is a place for everything. If that feels too massive start with one room, or even one corner of one room.

Get it strait, with only the things there that should be there and everything in the right place. Move slowly outwards from there.

Make sure that the place for everything is practical , too. No point having shoes beautifully arranged in a bedroom closet if they are far away from the door where you put them on and take them off.

In general only put anything anywhere that there is space for it. When you fill the fridge with fresh food, put the new things under the existing ones or (if the existing ones are getting too old) throw them out and then put the new things it.

Made tidying up as you leave a room a habit that all the family uses, part of the nighttime routine is to clear away toys and put them away. (You might have a 'toys I'm playing with now' box or shelf for this) in addition to the general storage.

Building tidiness into your routine helps you to see where the code of chaos is coming from. Is it really you making a mess or is it everyone else in the house.

Spread out a place for everything and everything in its place then make a game of singing 'don't put it down, put it away'

One concession to the teenage years is tidiness in one's own bedroom to be a personal choice. Let them keep the door closed on any chaos, just don't tolerate any food and cutlery/crockery up there.

Good luck, it will get better.

The onus isn’t all on you OP.

Do you have a partner? He should be contributing to keeping the house nice just as much as you.

The kids should also be doing their bit.

Another vote for A Slob Comes Clean! From someone who grew up in and replicated the messy house, and struggled for years with undiagnosed adhd. Dana K White (the slob) has books, a podcast, a you tube channel and Instagram. Everything in the books is on her channels somewhere but the books lay out the process clearly. I’d recommend starting at the beginning of her podcast. Her methods worked for me when other systems and approaches didn’t.

Another good book is How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It’s a book that will meet you where you’re at. One thing that jumps out of your post is your expectation that the house will stay clean and that’s just not how it works. KC talks about the cycles of housework and it really helped me - in a normal house (not an Instagram reel) some aspect of the housework will be in the messy part of the cycle and that’s ok. Expecting your house to stay tidy is like expecting your dishes to stay clean at all times. This book is less of a how-to and more of a why. But it’s got some important concepts .

You’re not alone op.

What you describe sounds like a struggle with executive function to me - and you hint at your parents having had it too. Maybe worth seeking some help/further investigation with that and in the meantime paying for some help with the cleaning if that’s an option for you? The mess maybe a symptom rather than the the sole issue. Don’t beat yourself up - you’re trying your best.

Keeping a house tidy with kids can be a real challenge. Maybe try breaking tasks down into smaller, manageable chunks, so it doesn't feel so overwhelming.

And don't forget to give yourself credit for the things you do get right – like those moments of achievement you mentioned.

I notice OP hasn't come back.. but I appreciate the responses she got!

Start with the big things first: spend a week decluttering just one room over a week and as you do this (and if you’ve got time) finally do a bit of a deep clean . I find this makes me want to stay on top of maintenance cleaning and tidying far better. When doing this, invest in some cheap storage like toy boxes and big ironing AND a separate washing basket. Piles of washing without a home make things look so much worse we found when we had a tiny ironing basket which always over spilled.

Next write a schedule for maintenance tidies/cleans. This should only take about 10 mins for a bedroom and maybe 20 for a kitchen that’ll have more grime. I’d do one room a day. Hoover, mop if applicable, wipe worktops, put stuff back in their places etc… Decide the time you’ll do this each day to ensure you stick to it. After my kids’ bedtime is best for me for most rooms bar their bedrooms obviously.

Now you need a daily schedule or rather just a set time for when you’ll put some washing in, take it out and fold it and put it away.

As part of your weekly schedule, also decide when you’ll do the towels, bedding etc. some people wash bedding fortnightly if they shower in the evening every night.

What are you doing with your time? You are obviously looking after your kids and working but where else does your time go? Have you social media that you spend too much time on? If so delete it!

Do you spend time making your kids decent food?

@ShortLivedComment

op needs some down time just for herself ffs! And if that happens to be social media so what?
or do you think any time she has should be spent making breakfast lunch and dinner handmade from scratch for her kids?

It is a lot - but for some people (me included definitely) a strict list to follow is the only way anything gets done. If I don’t follow my own list I will get lazy and things will slip.

I agree with this. Sticking to my schedule and doing a 20 min tidy up each day prevents me needing to do a much deeper one which could take an entire day one weekend.

Sympathy from a fellow pickly person. I don't really have the solutions but just wanted to say I bet there are loads of things you do do right. Being a loving mum is more important than remembering to change batteries. Don't be too hard on yourself 💐

Seconding this

I find it really really hard not to be messy OP. (I am awaiting an ADHD assessment, no idea if that might be worth exploring for you).

Other than starting to follow this woman, the second thing I would do is be nicer to yourself - some people are wired to find this hard, like me and you. The third thing is remember what you’re good at, you sound like a great mum.