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Original poster

Evening invite to friend’s wedding

402 replies

Loulou1902 · 10/04/2024 22:40

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

OP posts:
Nicetobenice67 · 11/04/2024 18:09

Have you spoken to your other mutual friends ...I defo wouldn't go...think she is sending you a big message ..who needs friends like that

Notinthemood12 · 11/04/2024 18:13

Yes was going to ask about the other friends and whether they had mentioned anything (if they haven’t, don’t bring it up just leave them all to wonder). What I would do is arrange a night with other mates so you not sat at home thinking about it all. I think it’s out of order.

Nicetobenice67 · 11/04/2024 18:16

I take it all back 🤬 going for coffee just don't go thete is a clear message to you ...dont beg it I would send a clear message by not going at all ...bless you its hurtful

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Weddings
savethatkitty · 11/04/2024 18:20

Usually hen do's are held within a few weeks of the wedding give or take. And wedding invites usually are sent out months in advance. So surely you must have had some inkling??? There's no way I'd be attending a hen do without having received an invite already.

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 18:26

I suspect it is not she’s offended about you being silent for a period, it is more during thay time she moved on and got closer to other people.and you are now no longer as close as you once were or as the others are. Possibly also as you had a child at the time and she didn’t, simply you drifted apart and are still in the rebuilding phase but on the periphery.

i notice when you write, you talk about you and why you drifted, with a comment on causing damage, and how she understands, but you fail to think through what did she do during this time, and that was clearly to continue to socialise and get closer to the others.

if this friendship is important to uou and i think it is, id go, they will know you’re on the periphery, or if you were a last min add. But that doesn’t mean they don’t like you or want you, simply their friendships progressed whilst you dipped out, so you will need to keep working at it to get to where they are now.

Nicetobenice67 · 11/04/2024 18:29

savethatkitty · 11/04/2024 18:20

Usually hen do's are held within a few weeks of the wedding give or take. And wedding invites usually are sent out months in advance. So surely you must have had some inkling??? There's no way I'd be attending a hen do without having received an invite already.

💯

Flowersandforests · 11/04/2024 18:42

YANBU - I was only given an evening invite to a friends wedding which was absolutely miles away. I’d previously considered her to be one of my close friends. I politely declined and I’ve not heard from her since.

I think unfortunately weddings do really put you in your place. It does hurt but you can’t make her change her mind.

TunaCrunchy · 11/04/2024 18:54

How many people were at the Hen do?

N4ish · 11/04/2024 18:59

Personally I always politely decline evening only wedding invitations. Just not worth the hassle and you always feel you’re being relegated to a second tier of friends.

TinySmol · 11/04/2024 19:34

I wouldn't go.
And I wouldn't make any effort to contact her again either.
She doesn't care, so she'll not notice anyway.

Muthaofcats · 11/04/2024 19:50

She forgot to turn up when invited, twice?

and gave you a hard time for a delayed reply to texts?

she sounds like a total dick. Sack her off. She’s not your friend. She doesn’t care.

Please have respect for yourself and don’t go to the evening do. Why put yourself through it? Just make your excuses and then go treat yourself to a massage or a pedicure or something !

hazeydays14 · 11/04/2024 19:56

I can see why you’re upset about this because in my opinion it’s poor form to invite to the hen but not the full wedding day without saying that. If I was invited to a hen I’d assume I’d be going to the ceremony as well.

I was at capacity for my venue and had to make some difficult decisions re friends I could invite to the full day so I messaged one of my friends from uni as the hen was being planned before the invites had gone out, I explained the situation re capacity (DH has a huge family and likes them all 😅) and said that she would be having an evening invite but I would still love her to come to the hen but no pressure kinda thing. In the end I was able to ‘bump’ her to a full day due to a family member who was too ill to attend which I also discussed with her prior to the invites going out as well.

I wanted her to know she was important to me still. Maybe some would disagree with my approach.. I never wanted her to feel B team we were just restricted by capacity and budget (why we didn’t get a bigger venue)

MrsKeats · 11/04/2024 19:59

How are people issuing invitations after the hen do?
Did she forget about you?
I wouldn't go personally.

Goldfishonabike · 11/04/2024 20:03

Corinthiana · 11/04/2024 16:41

I absolutely agree. It's a horrible practise and very rude. People just trying to justify wanting extra gifts or money for the honeymoon, but not prepared to host them properly. Greedy.

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I agree it’s just so weird? I only ever went to one evening only wedding and that was for a second cousin. Never gone when invited like that by friends but luckily hasn’t happened to me more than a couple
times. When we were doing our wedding, we did it in a country far away (DH’s
native country) so it was easy for us to invite quite a few people knowing tbh only half or less would be able to attend. We didn’t do it that way to cut people out but because it was the only way DH family could attend as they wouldn’t have been able to get visas. We then considered doing a second wedding in the UK but when we realized the cost and that we wouldn’t be able to invite everyone we liked, we skipped it. That way no one was hurt. I feel like either you invite everyone you’d like to invite (Asian style!) to the whole thing, and then you just make it in a way so you can afford to invite everyone, don’t need to be so fancy! Or you do a really small thing with just the very closest family and Friends, like less than 20…or if you want two-tier then keep the ceremony again just for the family and maybe one or two very close childhood friends..this weird in between thing and two-tier system is awful. I’d say, even when I went to an evening only wedding where the ceremony part was just for the family and one close friend, it still felt super odd…even though literally all friends were invited the evening party only, it was still an odd feeling, having missed the main event and being called in as an extra? Have to admit, never attended a two tier thing and liked it.

NewName24 · 11/04/2024 21:45

I'd drop her as a friend if someone I was close to showed me how little importance I had in their life

.......and this sort of response is why there are weekly threads on here from posters saying they have no friends.

How can grown adults not realise that it isn't possible for most people to be able to invite all your family and all your friends to your wedding ? Hmm

Corinthiana · 11/04/2024 21:48

NewName24 · 11/04/2024 21:45

I'd drop her as a friend if someone I was close to showed me how little importance I had in their life

.......and this sort of response is why there are weekly threads on here from posters saying they have no friends.

How can grown adults not realise that it isn't possible for most people to be able to invite all your family and all your friends to your wedding ? Hmm

If you're invited to the hen do, surely you should be invited to the wedding?

NewName24 · 11/04/2024 21:49

If you feel really bad, just accept the invite for now not to make it too obvious you’re upset, and then cancel the day before or closer to the time w a plausible excuse like a stomach bug, babysitting fallen through (if you have kids) or something like that.

Shock What is the matter with you ?
If you don't want to go, don't go, fine. But why would you do that to someone ?

ZipZapZoom · 11/04/2024 21:52

NewName24 · 11/04/2024 21:45

I'd drop her as a friend if someone I was close to showed me how little importance I had in their life

.......and this sort of response is why there are weekly threads on here from posters saying they have no friends.

How can grown adults not realise that it isn't possible for most people to be able to invite all your family and all your friends to your wedding ? Hmm

This is a perfectly valid response. The OP clearly isn't this brides friend. Only a self centred twat invites someone to the hen do and not the wedding without them knowing beforehand they are not invited to the wedding.

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 22:01

ZipZapZoom · 11/04/2024 21:52

This is a perfectly valid response. The OP clearly isn't this brides friend. Only a self centred twat invites someone to the hen do and not the wedding without them knowing beforehand they are not invited to the wedding.

Show quote history

I just don’t get the level of hysteria here, it’s always the same when an evening only invite is issued. It is absolutely common practice . Posters on here are acting like she spat in her face and kicked her in the shins, instead of inviting her to her wedding reception. It’s crazy.

ZipZapZoom · 11/04/2024 22:04

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 22:01

I just don’t get the level of hysteria here, it’s always the same when an evening only invite is issued. It is absolutely common practice . Posters on here are acting like she spat in her face and kicked her in the shins, instead of inviting her to her wedding reception. It’s crazy.

Show quote history

Yes common practice for work colleagues, neighbours or local acquaintances like from a book club or the gym not for people you consider a supposed close friend.

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 22:08

ZipZapZoom · 11/04/2024 22:04

Yes common practice for work colleagues, neighbours or local acquaintances like from a book club or the gym not for people you consider a supposed close friend.

Show quote history

I’ve been to loads of things where close friends come in the evening. It is often about numbers and costs. It is still a lovely invite to her wedding reception. It really doesn’t deserve the level of hysteria, however I have noticed this site has a common theme of hating weddings in general , and evening invites get the most loathing.

NewName24 · 11/04/2024 22:14

Exactly @Jf20

@ZipZapZoom - personally, If I am invited to a party, I think "Oh, that's nice" and I check the diary, when I was younger I'd check if I could get a babysitter (not needed now) and then I would either accept or decline. Either way, I would do it graciously. If people want to take offence at being invited, that is their issue.
Someone having a smaller budget, or having a larger family, doesn't "show how little importance I have in someone's life". What an odd way of thinking.

Corinthiana · 11/04/2024 22:18

NewName24 · 11/04/2024 22:14

Exactly @Jf20

@ZipZapZoom - personally, If I am invited to a party, I think "Oh, that's nice" and I check the diary, when I was younger I'd check if I could get a babysitter (not needed now) and then I would either accept or decline. Either way, I would do it graciously. If people want to take offence at being invited, that is their issue.
Someone having a smaller budget, or having a larger family, doesn't "show how little importance I have in someone's life". What an odd way of thinking.

It's not a party. It's a wedding. She's not invited to the wedding.
She's only invited to the after wedding/B list which is upsetting because she went to the hen do and thought they were friends.

SabreIsMyFave · 11/04/2024 22:26

@ZipZapZoom

The OP clearly isn't this bride's friend. Only a self centred twat invites someone to the hen do and not the wedding - without them knowing beforehand they are not invited to the wedding.

100% this. ^

SabreIsMyFave · 11/04/2024 22:27

ZipZapZoom · 11/04/2024 22:04

Yes common practice for work colleagues, neighbours or local acquaintances like from a book club or the gym not for people you consider a supposed close friend.

Show quote history

Again, 100% agree!

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