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Original poster

Evening invite to friend’s wedding

402 replies

Loulou1902 · 10/04/2024 22:40

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

OP posts:
ZipZapZoom · 11/04/2024 07:47

I agree with others that it doesn't sound like you were going to get any invite if you hadn't mentioned it. The wedding can't be that far off if she's already done the hen do and others have their invites.

I wouldn't be attending and you're not being remotely sensitive to be cross you've attended the hen do and are not invited to the actual wedding part of the wedding.

Doratheexplorer1 · 11/04/2024 07:49

sunnyday98 · 11/04/2024 06:48

Her wedding, her choice.

BUT

Her actions aren't free of consequences and I agree OP should re-evaluate if she wants to attend the wedding at all and even reconsider the friendship should OP feel strongly enough.

Having a wedding is not a blank cheque to freely upset lots of people on the premise of it being their day.

This. So eloquently put. Absolutely. ♥️

Scarletttulips · 11/04/2024 07:50

Getting married does not give you the right to treat people poorly.

I think the hen and wedding are closely linked.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
willowstar · 11/04/2024 07:50

Very similar thing happened to me years ago. I went to the hen do which was abroad, then the one which was in our city closer to the wedding but was only invited to the evening. TBH I wasn't too worried about it. It was a very big wedding in a premier wedding venue and the brides parents were paying. Lots of their friends were invited as well. I knew the bride was super stressed about everything and just went along in the evening and had fun.

TheTerribleMaster · 11/04/2024 07:53

I agree that you weren't actually invited at all and the bride just felt awkward because you asked.
I wouldn't go.

Corinthiana · 11/04/2024 07:54

That's fine, @willowstar , but if you were only invited to an evening do when you even went abroad for one of the hen dos, it does seem a bit rude. If it was an expensive wedding, that's their choice. They could have spent less and invited more. However, you seem ok with it.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/04/2024 07:55

I don't think anything good would come from a conversation about it but you're not wrong to feel how you do.

Does she have a bigger group of friends that you're more peripheral to? Some people do just prefer to stick to the big group when it comes to friends. I'd be tempted to have a think about whether this friendship has run it's course.

Axx · 11/04/2024 07:56

Don't ask her. Either go or don't.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 11/04/2024 07:56

Zonder · 10/04/2024 23:36

I'd be a bit miffed. I can't understand why someone would consider you close enough to invite to the hen do (assuming it wasn't an enormous group) but not close enough to go to the actual wedding.

Yeah, this. She was happy for you to make up numbers on her big expensive hen do, but you’re not good enough to see her get married. A total snub.

PegasusReturns · 11/04/2024 07:58

I’d be upset in your shoes, but discussing it would be both inappropriate and achieve nothing.

I wouldn’t go to the wedding and would cut her out going forward. When someone shows you who they are listen…and all that.

PlasticOno · 11/04/2024 08:06

What are these ‘moments’ you say you’ve had with her over the past few years, OP? Though, if they were that catastrophic, I would have expected her it to invite you to the hen?

CrotchetyQuaver · 11/04/2024 08:30

I'd be upset but would recommend a dignified silence as the way forward. It's a remarkably effective reaction particularly if the other side like drama
I don't think she was going to invite you at all so she's sort of engineered this situation. Don't respond to her unpleasant behaviour, just note it and move on. Don't give her the satisfaction of you asking "why". God I hate this kind of stuff, why do some people feel the need to be like this.

As for you shelling out for the hen do, I would be upset about that. We live and learn sadly.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/04/2024 08:32

Zonder · 10/04/2024 23:36

I'd be a bit miffed. I can't understand why someone would consider you close enough to invite to the hen do (assuming it wasn't an enormous group) but not close enough to go to the actual wedding.

This ^^

and I wouldn’t go

burnoutbabe · 11/04/2024 08:34

I'd only go if it was local and didn't involve an overnight stay.

I'd probably accept though and be sick on the day -to avoid drama with other friends.

Very rude to not be clear before organising the hen do.

Mummame2222 · 11/04/2024 08:35

Why do people think someone having a wedding gives them the right to be an arsehole????

OP is the only one out of long term friends not to be invited to the day, without a heads up or explanation, that’s incredibly hurtful! To be singled out like that is so unkind.

No, OP it’s not ok to be so self centred and inconsiderate, even if it’s your wedding day.

Ifulikepinacoladas · 11/04/2024 08:35

coodawoodashooda · 11/04/2024 03:30

I'd be hurt and struggle to throw more money at something once I'd realised my demotion.

This is how i would feel. Yeah the guest list is her choice blah blah...

Definitely don't ask her about it. I'd be making a crappy excuse not to go at all now. Would be rubbish turning up for the evening when all your friends have been there all day.

She clearly doesn't feel the same way as you so time to step away.

sheroku · 11/04/2024 08:46

Would be rubbish turning up for the evening when all your friends have been there all day.

Exactly. Regardless of whether it's intentional or not it's a real mean girls "you can't sit with us" moment. Part of why I wouldn't want a big wedding is exactly this reason. I couldn't sit down and rank all of my friends as "bridesmaid level", "hen do level", "evening guest level". I don't know whether some people get off on the power or what but I think it's pretty shitty.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 11/04/2024 08:50

Just send her a card and stay home. You now know your place no point attending at all imo.

TulipBluebells · 11/04/2024 09:10

CF of her to invite you to the hen do if you’re only an evening guest!

Whatifthehokeycokey · 11/04/2024 10:02

Going to disagree with the majority of the posters here and say, I think you should tell her that you're a bit hurt/surprised since you went to the hen party and lots of your friends have been invited all day. Because it sounds like the friendship has been damaged anyway so you might as well tell her how you feel.

People can be very blinkered and self involved when planning weddings. I think they need to hear sometimes that their actions and choices cause hurt.

Rubylooloo · 11/04/2024 10:16

sunnyday98 · 11/04/2024 06:48

Her wedding, her choice.

BUT

Her actions aren't free of consequences and I agree OP should re-evaluate if she wants to attend the wedding at all and even reconsider the friendship should OP feel strongly enough.

Having a wedding is not a blank cheque to freely upset lots of people on the premise of it being their day.

Agree

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 11/04/2024 10:21

I don’t think you should ‘do’ anything, but I think you are correct to assume you’ve either upset her or annoyed her in some way that perhaps you aren’t even aware of. Or you just aren’t the friends you thought you were. It’s a definite slight and you need to change your mindset regarding how close a friend she actually is. This stuff doesn’t happen by accident.

Stainglasses · 11/04/2024 10:24

Totally reasonable to feel hurt. Your have been given a clear message about how much she values you.

I wasn’t invited to a cousin’s wedding. She hand picked her favourite cousins. Fine, but the consequence is that I have moved her down in my own rankings too. She seemed surprised by that. Petty it may be but we are only human and have feelings.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 11/04/2024 10:26

I'd be hurt too but at least you now know where you stand with her in terms of how she views your friendship. I agree with PP that had you not raised it, you may not have even got an evening invite. Personally I'd decline the evening do when the invite arrives.

mondaytosunday · 11/04/2024 11:12

Goodness if you're close enough to go to the hen do I'd expect an invite to the whole wedding. But don't see what meeting fur a coffee to discuss it will do. Do you see each other regularly though? Outside of those important events?

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