Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

This. ^ YANBU @Loulou1902 I'm afraid I would not be able to go to the 'night do' because I will have covid., Shame that. Then I'd start giving her a wide berth. Sadly, I think you think a lot more of her than she thinks of you.

I would not go to this wedding 'night do.' It's a fucking insult. The night do is what you invite work colleagues and neighbours to, not close friends of almost 2 decades, who spent £250 on coming with you to your hen do! Who the fuck invites someone to their HEN do but not the wedding ceremony?! Awful etiquette, and she is NOT a friend.

I agree with others on here, do NOT ask her why she hasn't invited you to the ceremony. Just give her a wide berth, and then ghost her. Oh, and no, you are not being 'too sensitive.' You have every right to be hurt and pissed off. Anyone on here who says they wouldn't be hurt and pissed off in your position is either lying - or kidding themselves!

Exactly, I can’t beleive some posters are literally frothing at the mouth, no wonder so many lonely people with no friends.

I think the issue here is that the OP was invited to the hen do, which is normally reserved for those closest to the bride. Most women would assume they were invited to the full event if they received a hen invite.

Additionally, the background is that the OP has been a long term close friend who was close enough to merit an invitation to the bride's graduation. Graduation tickets are typically very restricted, which suggests the bride really valued the OP's friendship

literally frothing at the mouth?!
Can you see them?

Nah.

Being invited to & paying for an expensive hen and no full day invitation? Not an oversight, that is rude as fuck. Wouldn't surprise me if she didn't intend to invite you at all, but you asking about it has made her fob you off with an evening invite.

I would definitely not go and would send my regrets when/if the invitation arrives

I would also book myself a weekend away that clashes with the wedding so I'm not moping on the sofa feeling hurt. Sorry OP. Your friend is not very nice.

LOL exactly. What a daft thing to say 'people are frothing at the mouth!' Most people are just saying they wouldn't be taken for a mug, and the 'bride-to-be' is rude and mean - and a horrible friend. Many posters on here simply don't take any shit, and would not tolerate being treated the way the OP is being treated by her 'friend.'

And what makes that poster think the posters who are on the OP's side are lonely with no friends? PMSL. @Jf20 doesn't know anyone on here. 😆What a seriously daft post!

100% this! ^

Absolutely

Because if OP outright declines the invite that will likely cause drama with other friends. The bride has acted in bad form and showed bad manners - the opinions on evening only invites are divided and I acknowledge that, you can choose to go or not and I’d never drop a friend for inviting me only to to evening portion just for that reason (was only stating that in general I don’t love that way of doing a wedding) - by inviting the OP to an expensive hen and not to the full day event. That is what makes it rude imo. Canceling on the day with a plausible excuse is what will cause the least upset and leave the door open to potential future reconciliation as well as not damage other friendships. The bride and groom won’t be very inconvenienced by one less person at a reception, it’s not like it’s a sit down meal or anything.

It sounds like you’ve been a much better friend to her than she has to you. If having a baby herself and realising what difference a little help makes and how easy it is to be flaky didn’t make her also realise she was an asshole when you were having a really tough time, then probably nothing will. I’d put my energy into something else- will the hen be fun at least? Are the others good friends? Any chance of a refund? I’m not sure I’d go to eh wedding. If she asked why I’d just say ‘honestly I thought it was a bit of a token invite and I can see in general you’re not that interested in a friendship anymore, you didn’t need to invite me and I’m not going to keep pushing our friendship. Thank you for the good times and I hope it’s a lovely day for the two of you.’

nothing you wouldn’t be happy with being forwarded to 10 other friends!!

I get the no wonder so many people have no friends thing. It's so hard making new friends from scratch that it's very tempting to grimly cling on to old friendships. There does come a point where you have to let them go though because when someone treats you poorly that's no good for you.

Same thing has happened to me and I feel hurt but I’m not going to say anything

Evening invitations have their place, usually for more local, casual friends/ colleagues. If it's a distance that involves having to book accomodation, that's often not worth the cost: pleasure ratio and runs a high risk of declines. If you've got a well-established group of friends that you like enough to invite en-masse to an expensive hen weekend, it is pretty shitty to without warning do split invitations within the group.
If you're having a small wedding, bigger (cheaper) party, treat a group equitably and let them know the situation then a hen/ evening invite is ok.

I would feel stung in OP's situation. The bride isn't a great friend and wasn't particularly supportive when OP was going through rough times. Good friendships accept those kinds of ebbs and flows and don't take them personally.

Why?’ as she was invited to her wedding reception? I don’t really get how sensitive people are on here. Bil picks you up. Not sil. Be offended, invited to your friends wedding reception on the evening. Be offended to the level you end the friendship and are classed as grimly hanging on if you don’t?

it’s absolutely bonkers.

I wouldn't go. You've something more important that has come up. Definitely no wedding gift either.

I'd like to reiterate the OPs not actually even been invited the evening bit yet...I have my doubts an invite will turn up.

She has every reason to be cross with the bride and why would it matter if she fell out with her, the bride clearly doesn't value the friendship so why should the OP?

No she was invited to the evening do. The reception is the meal and speeches after the ceremony. If someone is good enough to spend £250 on a hen do (and that's a topic in itself) then they should be good enough to be invited to the actual reception. It's poor treatment.

I w

I would definitely ask her! Just in passing conversation, I was shocked I wasn't invited to the main event. Then she will give you her reasons. You don't need to react badly to it but at least you will no and you can act accordingly. Everyone saying it's her wedding, since when does being a bride excuse you for certain behavior? If you are friends you should be able to ask her.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt. I do think it’s quite unreasonable of her to not have let you know before hand - especially as the hen do was quite expensive , but mainly because I would have thought at the hen do everyone would have an idea of what’s going on at the wedding .

That makes me think - from an outsiders view - is your friendship close enough to justify a day invite ( thinking the cost of head per person , you would likely have a plus one so that’s another person to pay for too ) ? Because , I would think in quite close friendships the day would have been discussed whilst she was planning - who’s sitting at what table , the food , just general chat about walking down the aisle etc .

I definitely wouldn’t bring it up before the wedding. Weddings are the most stressful thing ( mine was so stressful , I lost weight , it was all me and my now husband talked about , I was worrying about money - I ended up cancelling the whole big wedding and having a smaller affair for that reason ! ) . Brides are not their usual self in the planning time. Chances are she will be upset , it will cause stress on her when she is already overloaded with stress and as emotions are high she may over react and it could end up being the end of your friendship .

Also , bear in mind , it may not have been a personal thing . It could be that if she invited you it could lead to others in the same type of friendship having to be invited , it could be that she’s got a lot of guests and then her inviting people who weren’t especially close means that her h2b would feel the need to invite the same type of friends which then leads the cost up! It could be that there is a limit for the ceremony that is full and if she invites you to the meal she thinks that’s worse as everyone else at the meal has been to the ceremony , it could be that she was at capacity for a package and extras are even more per head or she’s got a deal for say 80 people and to add more she has to add another 20 … just all examples .

YANBU for feeling offended but there could be many reasons why this has happened. You don’t want an invite given out of guilt so it won’t achieve anything to address this before the wedding . If you feel you need to talk about this , do it after when she isn’t stressed.

Go to the evening , have fun, support your friend ( give a gift that is suitable for an evening , a smaller gift though ! You spent enough on the hen ! )

Normally I’d say it’s a nightmare wedding planning and so expensive so don’t get annoyed, but I’m pretty sure anyone close enough for the hen do (where as you say you spend a lot of time and money) should be invited to the wedding unless it’s tiny with like 20 people?!

should have been more clear from the start, maybe she’s not the best planner and is stressed. I’d be annoyed though

If shes a friend like you say then you can be frank surely. Just message or ask what time does the actual wedding start? Its not normal to invite everyone to site down evening as that in my experience costs more so I am guessing there is some miscommunication here.

If i were you i'd be sending regrets should the invitation surface.

You do not need to explain why.

It is hard when you've been there for someone you considered a close friend. It happened to me and I can't move on from it even though she has reached out to me. It is up to you how you move forward from this, keeping her in your life as a friend or not, there is no right or wrong answer, its how you feel.

Right.

I do think your friendship has come to an end.
And yes, in the main it's because of the time she treated you like shit when you went through your traumatic breakup.

It's unlikely you can mend this. So my advice is:

Accept and attend the evening do.
Enjoy it with your other friends.
After that, just don't bother with her.
Don't text her, don't accept invitations unless it's with the big group of you.
Stay a peripheral - don't deliberately do anything to break the group, but just naturally drift away.

I believe this wedding evening will act as a final event with you two.

Not your fault, but she's chosen this bby not attempting to mend the rift.

She probably even forgot to invite you at all and only added you to the evening because you asked.

So: go, enjoy, but fade out afterwards