Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

I differ as I think it’s fine for an evening invite, I know mumsnet hates them.

I suspect it’s a numbers thing, maybe you’re not as close as you thought but please do not ask to meet for a coffee to discuss it, thats all kinds of wrong, you aren’t entitled and it’s her choice.

if you feel strongly enough, decline.

I would feel so hurt too tbh if I was one of her besties …you are obviously on different pages your not one of the most important ppl in her life like you thought you were…personally I would have that chat it may clear the air as to why you’re only going to the evening do …although I don’t think she really needs to justify why …I personally would not go after this

although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years

what does this mean ?

@Loulou1902

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks.

I think this shows you where you are in the relationship with her. You had to chase her about your invitation and she's not planning on sending this evening invitation to you for another couple of weeks yet - why the delay? Was she actually planning on inviting you?

At this stage I'd prepare a polite refusal for when the invitation arrives, save any further expense, including the cost of the wedding present.

I would not ask her about why you're not attending the ceremony and wedding breakfast. You mentioned you "had your moments" - perhaps this is why you've had a lower tier invitation? Maybe it's time to evaluate your friendship. 🌹

It's so awkward when that happens. I was invited to my ex's cousin's wedding as his plus one, when some of his own siblings weren't invited. I felt a bit embarrassed about it.

This is a spectacular anecdote. I feel like it needs more attention. This woman sounds like a piece of work!

Oh God she really was. Probably more than my sensitive heart could take at the time. Now that I’m older I care a lot less. I remember her little girl at the time saying: you’re very lucky to be at this wedding because my mum had other people to invite. I think I was too stunned to reply. But I do remember my ex saying it’s fine there’s no problem - even though she was quite clearly an arsehole.

They had everyone back to their house after the meal (it was a bizarre ‘wedding’) and they charged everyone for a ‘ticket’ that could be redeemed against alcohol in plastic cups. Weird and horrible. I’m happy I don’t have to see them now. The children I adored as if they were my own. But she had her sights set on bigger things (‘better’ /wealthier friends) I don’t think it all worked out for her like she imagined. Shame that.

Do you think @Loulou1902 you were a replacement for the Hen.
That would explain no wedding invite,but I wouldn't ask her why.
She's not going to tell you also you'll be blamed on stressing her out.
Just decline the invite ( if it does turn up) and just see her as aquatence.

This. Especially a hen do that costs over £250. You would expect to be invited to the wedding proper if you were forking out that much to go to the hen do.

It sounds like those 'moments' impacted a bit more than you realised at the time. She's shown you where you are in her life.

Is there any reason why you think she might want to hurt or offend you e.g. a problem in the friendship? If not, I'd just accept it.
I've been on the 'waiting list' a couple of times for weddings and have been given a full-day invite when someone's dropped out nearer the time. I was fine with that. I guess numbers are limited and people have to make decisions.

As others say, I wouldn’t go to the evening do - based on my own experience though.

I was invited to an evening do with 2 weeks notice as an afterthought (when others had dropped out).

Scores of my longstanding friends were there and had received their full-day invites some 6 months earlier. Obviously the day was for the bride and her family, but while wishing them well, I felt humiliated to be the only one publicly excluded from our big friendship groups until the last minute.

It felt humiliating not only during the event itself but for a long, long while after. Being a wedding, of course It wasn’t about me, but I couldn’t actually put myself through that again.

Sounds like you were invited to the hen to bump up numbers.
She's put you in your place. Total snub. I wouldn't chuck any more money at the wedding unless you're desperate to attend. I personally wouldn't go

So she didn't send you an invitation when she sent the others and she says she'll send one out in the next couple of weeks?

Is there any way of pulling out of the hen do?

@MILTOBE
I think the hen has been and gone

These threads always devolve into people who gave out two-tier invitations telling each other how perfectly normal and fine it is. In reality, it's always been rude and unpleasant and guests have always been hurt to discover that they are B-list friends. I would decline the invitation and distance myself, because I like my friends to have decent values.

Yes I think its fair to feel miffed and hurt. Don't bother trying to meet for coffee. Maybe you will be too busy to go to the evening do .
Youwould have to be pretty thick skinned to not be hurt

I absolutely agree. It's a horrible practise and very rude. People just trying to justify wanting extra gifts or money for the honeymoon, but not prepared to host them properly. Greedy.

OP would you feel better if you discussed it with her and she then invited you to the whole wedding, knowing that wasn't her original intention? I doubt it would to be honest and she doesn't really owe an explanation.

I do understand you feeling a little hurt, but never 'beg' for an invitation to anything.

Thanks for all of your replies, it’s been really helpful. I think everyone’s right, I have no right to question her or what’s made her decide to only invite me to the evening. However I feel a little embarrassed being the only long term friend to arrive on my own in the evening, so I’ll have to have a think what to do.

When I say we’ve had our moments, I’m referring to a time about 3 years ago when I was experiencing post seperation abuse from an ex who had just thrown me and my 3 month old daughter out. He was harassing me with texts and calls and things were pretty toxic for a year or so whilst we went back and forth, so I wasn’t great at replying to people at the time and didn’t respond to some of her texts for 2-3 weeks. No not great on my part, and on reflection this might’ve really offended her, but juggling a baby and all of that was hard. So yes, I may have really upset her being so distant at the time, I do get that. I did sit down and open up about everything that had been going on and she started crying telling me she’s sorry this happened to me and she only wants to see me happy.

After that, I never heard anything from her and I just got abrupt one line replies when I tried to reach out. After a year or so of no contact we met up as a mutual friend was visiting back home (this was about 18 months ago). She was fine with me and we started to rebuild things, and now it feels just like it was before. She even said recently that she gets it now she has a child and would’ve probably been the same. We text most weeks and see each other at least once a month, and have done for the last year.

Maybe I did too much damage, I don’t know. But why then invite me to her baby shower and hen do if I’m that bad of a friend? I’ve been really supportive of her the last 18 months, and always have been, with the exception of that year when I wasn’t in a good place myself. I’ve dropped shopping round for her after she had her baby recently, invited her round for lunches, gave her all my little girls baby clothes to help her out because she was finding it expensive getting all new clothes, and have messaged her regularly to check how’s she’s doing. There’s also 2 occasions recently when I invited her round for coffee and she failed to turn up, twice in one week, because she forgot. Again, I was ok with that because I get it, mum life is busy.

I guess it hurts most though because I thought I was as good a friend to her as she is to me, but that’s obviously not the case. Lesson learnt and will be taking a step back from now on.

Sorry for the essay reply. Thanks again for all of your opinions on this! It’s been a big help 😊

I don’t think I was a replacement, but I do think I was a last minute addition to bump up numbers possibly. I thought I was being paranoid at the time, but I think my hunch could’ve been right.

Sorry if this question has already been answered, but has the hen do already taken place?

Yes it's already happened.

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. ⬇️

@Loulou1902

However I feel a little embarrassed being the only long term friend to arrive on my own in the evening, so I’ll have to have a think what to do.

I wouldn't bother making the effort or spending any money on this. Why not get yourself a great takeaway, bottle of wine and watch some good movies wearing some comfy clothes lounging on your sofa?

Nobody else but you need to know that's what you did - it's just that the date didn't work for you. Do what feels best for YOU. 🌹

Define large? I would consider anything under 60 to be fairly small (people can easily have 20 family members, 4 friends the wedding party and their plus ones) and anything over 90 to be big.

I have know couples really struggle to whittle a guest list down to 60.

In my experience, hen dos are pretty much for all female friends, relatives & colleagues of the bride.

However, you obviously consider yourself a good friend of the bride and you clearly feel hurt. If I were you, I would want to know why I wasn’t invited.