Should Ex-Dh new wife have stepped in to help him have contact with the DC ?

[LostInCommunictaion]

Back Story :

DH suffered a massive MH break down and it became untenable for him to continue living at home with the DC.

He moves in with his family, 3.5 hours away. I maintain contact, between DH and the DC, driving the 7 hour round trip.

After some time, due to safeguarding issues, additional measure need to be put in place during contact. DH / his family refuse any additional measure so I am unable to continue with contact.

DH , with support from his family to navigate the complex processes , divorces me , remarries and moves 8 hours away. The DC are not given his phone number / address. At this point DC are 15,13,11,9

Over the course of the next decade EX-DH texts maybe 5 times to the DC. Each time this ends when the DC ask questions DH doesn’t like and he became very verbally aggressive.

Very sadly DH died in a tragic medical incident last month. We were informed via a third party. DC are now aged 25,23,221,19. He was at the time still suffering from significance mental / physical issues and required support.

His widow sent a very distressing text to my DD saying, amongst other things, “ Your mother wouldn’t let him see his kids”, “He spoke of his kids every night and every morning for 10 years, he loved you all dearly”.

I realise that grief can make people say / do some very strange things and that must always be taken into account.

But , before his passing, in 10 years I was never contacted by EX-DH or his wife. There was never an approach for mediation or a court process started to set up contact arrangements.

It is convenient, for their narrative, for me to be labelled the “bitter, twisted” ex who has “kept his kids from him”. But If someone I loved , who had significance mental / physical issues and needed support, told me every day for a decade what they longed for I would move heaven and earth to help them.

How would you feel if this were your family / DC ?

I would absolutely let her have it. No question.

I do want to contact her, but not now obv.

She has been told ( and chose to believe) so many , many lies about what really happened when DH first became unwell. I would really just like to give her the actually facts, what actually happened. Just that , very clear, no emotion , just a time line .

"I would absolutely let her have it. No question."

A part of me just want to scream to the world, but then id just play into their narrative of the "crazy ex"

Tell her and tell her now. She opened that door when she messaged your DD. It sounds like he was either lying to her for years or she colluded and is now trying to rewrite the narrative.
Don't bother waiting as bereavement and grief have no timescale and she needs to know the truth, if she doesn't already.

she blocked DD as soon as she sent the vile messages

I think there’s two concerns here, your children and his wife.

Firstly, put your children first. Despite what has happened in the past, they’ve lost their father, and even though he’s been absent, he’s no longer about. They may or may not feel grief, anger and confusion about what they should be feeling.

secondly, his wife. I know you don’t agree with what she is saying but now is not the time or place. She’s just lost her husband in unfortunate circumstances. I agree they could have done more to keep in contact, but you don’t know what lies she’s been fed.

Maybe write everything down in a letter you can send in due course.

he had significant memory issues I don't know how much he could have been telling her. His widow has seen " all the evidence" supplied by DH sister. years ago

Just reads they were ‘vile messages ‘. That’s not so good then. I initially read your first post about him missing them etc.

"secondly, his wife. I know you don’t agree with what she is saying but now is not the time or place. She’s just lost her husband in unfortunate circumstances. I agree they could have done more to keep in contact, but you don’t know what lies she’s been fed.

Maybe write everything down in a letter you can send in due course."

this was my thought , she must , presently , be utterly devastated,

In the letter I would lay out the actual time line of events but also , perhaps, query why she did nothing to help him ??

What would you pout in the letter, that she will likely ignore

I honestly wouldn't engage with this woman. Why would she believe you, nothing good happens for her if she does.
I would focus on supporting your dc and making sure that they understand the past.
I am sorry for your loss.

it was a very complex situation with the DC and in some ways , DH being " victims"

Inaction IS action in situations like this, if his widow didn't help him , that had a consequence, that WAS an action

It's a very sad situation all around but no, I wouldn't say anything to her. Let her grieve and focus on your children. She's been blocked now so she hopefully won't have any further contact with them.

I would have compassion, she's grieving also you don't know what he's told her, he may have every night talked of them and complained that you didn't allow access whilst not actually trying to facilitate contact at all.

I would personally send a sorry for your loss card and leave it at that for now, but say something along the lines that you can talk in the future.

You simply don't have the full story here

Myself and the DC are working our way through this, we are planning a memorial of our own , it is unlikely they will be invited to his commemoration .

It was a closed cremation but they were not told that until after it had happened.

He was also on life support before he passed but we were not contacted until after he had passed.

The thing is, you could tell the wife all the facts and truth, until you're blue in the face. She will continue to believe what she was told by your exDH.
She isn't going to have an epiphany and change her view, especially now.

The only people who matter are your children, and she needs to stop sending distressing messages to them.
I'd like to be generous and think it is her grief thats causing her to do this, but what she is doing is cruel and nasty.

I agree with Riverlee, just focus on your children

There is no purpose that will serve your sense of peace or that of your children by engaging with someone who seems a bit unbalanced trying to rewrite history.

How is your daughter? Does she understand how troubled her dad was?

If I were you I'd discuss it with your kids but I'd suggest doing nothing at all

"You simply don't have the full story here"

you are correct, I do not know what she / dh did do , but I know that they DIDN'T do : contact me / go to court / arrange mediation.

As DH was so vulnerable I do not think he had as much effect on the situation than might be imagined, but that doe snot absolve him of his horrible contact / sparse with the DC, that was his choosing.

Let it go. She is bitter, upset and lashing out. She knew him, she probably always knew the truth no matter how much she dresses it up with her grief now.

tell your dd to pick a nice memory of her dad and hold on to that. He had lots of problems but deep down probably loved his kids, even though he couldn’t do right by them.

Talk to your children and make sure they know what she said isn't true, that is the important thing. What she thinks/was told doesn't matter and you will never convince her that what you say is true and what her DH told her was lies.

I think the late Queen’s reaction of ‘recollections may vary.’ Is classy and a full stop. If this woman contacts any of you again, this is your (or their) 4 word response. No further thinking/ persuasion/ anguishing needed.

I'd let it go, as long as your children know the truth that's all that matters.

I doubt that they will be seeing the widow ever again, the rest of their fathers family who knows.

I would just tell your children to block her. Preemptively.

in my opinion, contacting her will just blow this up even more.

In her view her husband died without ever making contact with his kids, all because his awful ex stopped him from seeing them. Her husband lived his life with sadness every day because his ex wanted to punish him and this left him heart broken.

That’s not the truth. But it’s the story she completely believes. He is dead, she is unlikely to believe the ‘villain’ in his story when they tell her she is wrong.

It won’t achieve anything, except inflaming the situation. At most I would have a conversation with the kids, ensuring they know they can ask questions about what happened and what he did. I would only do that though, if you think there’s a slight chance of one of them believing it.

My daughter was devasted by the messages from his wife, but we have talked a lot about it and she's coping ok.

I know whatever I write she will not believe , will ignore quite possible burn , but I want to say it , just the facts , I have kept silent for years so as not to compromise contact between the DC and their Dad but is my voice nothing , is the actual truth nothing ? this isn't for her its for me

Sorry to hear about the vile texts sent to your DD. However this does show that she and your ex did have contact details for at least one of the children, and chose not to ever use them.