Should Ex-Dh new wife have stepped in to help him have contact with the DC ?

[LostInCommunictaion]

Back Story :

DH suffered a massive MH break down and it became untenable for him to continue living at home with the DC.

He moves in with his family, 3.5 hours away. I maintain contact, between DH and the DC, driving the 7 hour round trip.

After some time, due to safeguarding issues, additional measure need to be put in place during contact. DH / his family refuse any additional measure so I am unable to continue with contact.

DH , with support from his family to navigate the complex processes , divorces me , remarries and moves 8 hours away. The DC are not given his phone number / address. At this point DC are 15,13,11,9

Over the course of the next decade EX-DH texts maybe 5 times to the DC. Each time this ends when the DC ask questions DH doesn’t like and he became very verbally aggressive.

Very sadly DH died in a tragic medical incident last month. We were informed via a third party. DC are now aged 25,23,221,19. He was at the time still suffering from significance mental / physical issues and required support.

His widow sent a very distressing text to my DD saying, amongst other things, “ Your mother wouldn’t let him see his kids”, “He spoke of his kids every night and every morning for 10 years, he loved you all dearly”.

I realise that grief can make people say / do some very strange things and that must always be taken into account.

But , before his passing, in 10 years I was never contacted by EX-DH or his wife. There was never an approach for mediation or a court process started to set up contact arrangements.

It is convenient, for their narrative, for me to be labelled the “bitter, twisted” ex who has “kept his kids from him”. But If someone I loved , who had significance mental / physical issues and needed support, told me every day for a decade what they longed for I would move heaven and earth to help them.

How would you feel if this were your family / DC ?

I would also ignore her, unless she ever asks you a genuine question.

She's either had the wool pulled over her eyes about everything to do with her husband and his past, or she was controlling and enjoyed not having his kids around etc as a pp said.

If the latter, no conversation will ever go anywhere. I understand the fantasy of telling someone who's behaved badly how it is, but it never goes well. If it's the former and she was just a bit of a mug, lapping everything up he said about you and the kids, I couldn't be the person to potentially shatter the view she has of her now dead husband.

What she said to your dd was dreadful, but your dd still has you to explain that she was greiveing, and unfortunately xyz is the actual truth about dad. This woman can never resolve anything that you tell her with her husband so it has the potential to hang there for ever, messing with her head and making her question the reality of her marriage. I'd hate to risk doing that to her. If she continues to harass any of your children then that's another matter, but otherwise I'd just leave it, even though you're in the right.

It was wicked of the new wife to send that message but I don't think she had any responsibility to have sorted out contact with the kids. I think you need to let that idea go.

It's pretty nuts of her to have sent that message though. There must be something wrong with her apart from grief.

I just wish the only memories they had of him were up until his illness. All the lovely memories are now forever tainted with the hurt he caused.

We are trying to think of it as two people , Daddy and Dad, but it hard as even though he was ill he still made choices.

If he had been unable to control his actions it would make everything so much easier

But he was a lovely , really lovely daddy to them when they were younger. it just so sad

Continue to look after your kids, just like you always have.

They are old enough to see the truth - dad had their numbers, but in the 5 poxy calls/texts that he managed, turned aggressive at every communication. He moved 8h away. These are not the actions of a dad who weeps daily & shakes his fists at the heavens for contact with his kids.

They know this.

It's absolutely not fair that you've been branded the bad guy. I'd want to shout the truth at anyone who would listen too, but the wife sounds like she's got something going on there, and engaging with her or the family potentially (probably certainly) invites a whole lot of negative drama into your life.

I'd imagine that's the last thing you need.

I am so sorry to hear about all that you and your children have been through. It sounds very difficult and distressing.

It is so, so common for men to claim that their crazy, nasty ex-partners withhold contact with their children. Very often that is not the case at all; it's the man who just doesn't care enough to put the practical and emotional work in to maintain contact.

This applies to men who are perfectly well in body and mind, nevermind your ex's issues. They can't be bothered with their kids but don't want to be blamed for the lack of a relationship. Sounds like not wanting to be at any fault applies to his wife too, in your case.

Try to put this woman and her baseless accusations out of your mind and take care of yourself and your family going forwards 💐

Can I throw something out?

This is purely an observation from your posts and is my completely unqualified, amateur therapist thoughts.

Could you be also grieving a little for your exDH? Hear me out!

You've explained he was a terrible husband and quite frankly a piss poor father to your children.

Now that he has died, you'll never have the opportunity to tell him this.
You perhaps remember the good times, because there must have been some, but you'll never get to tell him or show him that you and your children have wonderful lives despite him.

Because of this, and his death, you are now blaming his new wife and family for his choice to be a terrible father.

Does that make sense?

Without sounding wanky, I think you also need some sort of 'closure'.

I’d be annoyed. But why on earth does it matter?
Arguing with a grieving woman isn’t going to benefit your children in any way.

thank you all , I've said it before , but I'll say it again MH should be on prescription !

I have raised our kids for the last 14 years and I would not swap a second of that , not for anyone.

He missed out and in some way so did his wife, the Dc have grown in to , even if I say so myself, really lovely , decent people . People I love to spend time with.

If circumstances had been different Dh and his wife could have had some wonderful holidays with the DC..

though all of the shit ( and there's been a a lot) I've had over the years I'm the lucky one. I got see them grow.

You've explained he was a terrible husband and quite frankly a piss poor father to your children.
Now that he has died, you'll never have the opportunity to tell him this.
You perhaps remember the good times, because there must have been some, but you'll never get to tell him or show him that you and your children have wonderful lives despite him.

I am grieving for him, He didn't divorce me his family did. He divorced me when he had a short term memory of 3 minutes but was still considered to have capaclity.

I chose not to date whilst I was raising the kids, so I have not had a relationship since him. I am doing some OLD now though.

I miss the man he was, I loved him deeply, we were together for 25 years , he was my best friend.

I have grieved, not so much for him , but forvwhat could have been, for the conversations we will neber have

It's still raw and the pain/hurt/anger/frustration/bewilderment are still fresh/retriggered.

You can only control what you do not what others choose to do.
You are only responsible/accountable for your own actions.
You made a decision to protect your children until your ex was better.
It does not sound as though he ever got better.
Whether it was the sickness talking or some kind of personality disorder, "walking on eggshells" is dv territory.
If he did have any control over his actions later then there should have been regret, remorse, reconciliation and remediation from his side not aggression.

He is now at peace. Try and look for some good and say your farewells.
Be kind to yourselves. You don't have to forgive although it helps, so I'm told.
It's coming to terms with grieving what you wished you'd/they'd had.
If it transpires he was well enough to be that to his second wife at a later point, that does cement a selfishness. He made his bed therefore and laid in it, despite all protests to the contrary. If he had wanted to reach out to his children that was on him to do so, whilst he was alive, not berate them.

X-post

Warn your kids, make sure they know the truth about their father and his family, and suggest they (but don’t tell them to) block the widow. That’s all you can do.

Anterograde amnesia?
Sometimes, even if you recover, you cannot recollect facts.
So in theory, he might have forgotten what led to your estrangement.
Brain damage can also cause personality change.
Awful - all of it - it's a living bereavement but they aren't dead.
I know someone currently caring for mixed dementia. They are struggling.
I am sorry for your loss OP and hope that you can move forward x

Some people are just not rational and want to believe their own version of reality despite the evidence to the contrary. As long as your kids know you tried and they would have remembered the long car journeys.., I personally would draw a line in the sand I doubt she will accept the truth.

his Mh issues have just made it all so much harder to deal with.

When I say I'm divorced and its "complicated" People just don't get it , not that they should, but to me , its doesn't feel like a standard divorce ( even if there is such a thing)

I wouldn't engage with her at all, ever. She's clearly had something to say, done that and that for her may be enough. She will also have believed every single thing her husband told her, and more so now in the mist of her grief. She shouldn't have text your daughter but giving some back won't change a thing now.
Concentrate on your children and supporting them through their loss

Oh I would respond, but it would be along the lines of this....

"A lot of water has passed under the bridge and recollections may vary. I have no intention of getting into past events with you. I appreciate you are grieving in your own way but so are my children. If you are going to say nothing but that which causes them further distress then please do not contact them again."

There’s no point trying to change this woman’s opinions, it will do nothing, and quite clearly she believes what she believes. If she doesn’t realise moving 8 hours away from your children and I assume never being near to them, you won’t see your children.

My Facebook recently came up with a post from my friends ex about how he has no access to his children etc. up until that point he hadn’t even tried to see them for over 10 years. He obviously got lots of support about how awful my friend is.

As long as you know what the truth is and you validate what your children remember that’s all that matters.

Op I divorced on very similar circumstances. A long marriage to a good man, his mental health all of sudden took a turn and he was a different person.

Even now I wish I could have the man I first married back. I really loved him. But he doesn’t exist anymore. The kids don’t even know where he is, so I do get it.

But him not seeing the kids isn’t her fault. At all. You have no idea if she is village. You have no idea if he was aggressive and scared her. You don’t know SHE was controlling.

Everyone knows what he wanted them to know. Which has set up a situation where you are all blaming (at least partially) eachother for his behaviour.

The step mum has blocked so they cannot respond even if they wanted to, only if she vents/spits venom at a later point.
It does sound very complicated.
It doesn't sound like a standard divorce, no.
I'm also as to how that degree of memory loss at the time = with capacity.
It must have been very confusing and traumatising for you.
I'd be looking at therapy if you haven't already been offered some x

I would respond now.
Stick to the facts, bullet point them, such as ExH contacted no more than x times in x year, DC we’re not informed of his critical illness nor invited to family only cremation, visitation needed facilitation with safeguarding in place which wasn’t supported by in laws and there was no contact at all from her offering to support ExH having a relationship with DC which led to different conclusions being met from your side.

Leave the emotion as much as you can however tell her in no uncertain terms does she get to lash out at your children however much she is hurting. If you want to leave the door open that is up to you - I’m not suggesting burning the bridges however a rock solid boundary needs to be dropped on her right now.

I am so sorry your children are going through this and that your daughter was targeted by the widow - there is absolutely no excuse for that.

As someone with step children and a mother myself with a ex who doesn’t see them I think you are right to be upset . I would indeed made sure to tell her she was vile to send that to the children and very wrong .
Personally I would never marry or even date a man who has children he doesn’t see . No matter what the reason , there is always a way . Thankfully hubby is a great dad and step dad .
My ex tells people I never let him watch our son ( now 20 ) despite being a complete lie , for years I kept contact with his family until he told them to stop speaking with me and their grandchild .
still I know for a fact he still tells people it was me . Simply because I refused to stay with him or have a relationship. In his words 18 years ago “ I don’t have much time or money so I don’t want to waste my holidays or money seeing him “.
some people are just bad parents , unfortunately when people die the bad seems to be forgotten ! This idiot of a woman needs to be reminded her husband was a terrible dad and that she is just carrying on his work by trying to traumatise your kids .

I also wondered if it were a text that was sent in fury/grief/anger and then instantly regretted, hence being blocked. Doesn’t excuse what was said in the text.

@LostInCommunictaion maybe the awful texts were her on his phone. So much you will never know. You could write her a letter now with a view to sending it later, detailing what happened. You may find you feel better having got it down on paper and no longer want to send it. I’m so sorry, this all sounds rotten and unfair. I hope you and DC feel better soon.

Don't engage further, there's no point. Support your DC to see that unfortunately their Father had difficulties which meant he was not part of their life and did not have a true view of his situation. I'd ask them to bear that in mind if she gets in touch again. Nothing else is in your control.