Should Ex-Dh new wife have stepped in to help him have contact with the DC ?

[LostInCommunictaion]

Back Story :

DH suffered a massive MH break down and it became untenable for him to continue living at home with the DC.

He moves in with his family, 3.5 hours away. I maintain contact, between DH and the DC, driving the 7 hour round trip.

After some time, due to safeguarding issues, additional measure need to be put in place during contact. DH / his family refuse any additional measure so I am unable to continue with contact.

DH , with support from his family to navigate the complex processes , divorces me , remarries and moves 8 hours away. The DC are not given his phone number / address. At this point DC are 15,13,11,9

Over the course of the next decade EX-DH texts maybe 5 times to the DC. Each time this ends when the DC ask questions DH doesn’t like and he became very verbally aggressive.

Very sadly DH died in a tragic medical incident last month. We were informed via a third party. DC are now aged 25,23,221,19. He was at the time still suffering from significance mental / physical issues and required support.

His widow sent a very distressing text to my DD saying, amongst other things, “ Your mother wouldn’t let him see his kids”, “He spoke of his kids every night and every morning for 10 years, he loved you all dearly”.

I realise that grief can make people say / do some very strange things and that must always be taken into account.

But , before his passing, in 10 years I was never contacted by EX-DH or his wife. There was never an approach for mediation or a court process started to set up contact arrangements.

It is convenient, for their narrative, for me to be labelled the “bitter, twisted” ex who has “kept his kids from him”. But If someone I loved , who had significance mental / physical issues and needed support, told me every day for a decade what they longed for I would move heaven and earth to help them.

How would you feel if this were your family / DC ?

I would get your kids to preemptively block her if they haven’t already. Agree with other posters saying to write down the facts should the kids ever want them.

I would also write furious letters to him and her and his family - tell them everything you think in no uncertain terms. And then destroy the letters,

Not in Scotland are you?
Inheritance etc?

Maybe she's trying to ensure that you don't find out that he actually did love them so much that he left half his estate to the dc?

Very gently, this does seem like classic displacement to me.

It's very hard for you- This was a man you loved and shared your life with, who then changed into someone else, had another life, had vulnerabilities which made him selfish. You seem to be quite protective of him still, making excuses for his behaviour because of his MH. That is completely natural, given your history.
But his wife has been fed a version of events by him; his sister too. He may have even believed it himself as time went on. He created a narrative where you were the bad one, in order to absolve himself of the responsibility of fatherhood. His wife believed it. That is really not her fault. She shouldn't have texted your daughter, but in her eyes, she's telling the truth- in her eyes, she probably feels a duty to your children to let them know that their father loved them and spoke of them often.

Your ex could have texted your kids. If he was well enough to talk about them day and night, he was well enough to send a kiss via text. It was not his wife's responsibility to arrange contact, although you have no idea whether she offered to or not- he obviously didn't want to see them, or he would have been in touch.

You're angry at the wrong person, because it's easier to be angry at a woman you don't know than with a man you once loved, and who you are, on some level, grieving for.

I really feel for you. It's such a huge thing for you and I hope you have support and a shoulder to cry on, because grief in this kind of situation is complicated and difficult.

There is absolutely no point engaging with this woman. It really doesn't matter what she thinks. Save your energy for supporting your children through this.

She was very cruel to message your daughter like that, grief or no grief. You have to set out the truth for your children’s sake. I am very sorry for them!

I am absolutely lost on all the "vile" messages? Why are they vile? It's pretty clear your ex fed her a load of lies, and it wasn't her place to try and go round them or challenge them.

He's lied about you, to her. Probably hamming it up all the time about how your alienation of the children was causing him so much hurt. He sounds like he was a real catch.

She just lost her husband and her grief has apportioned blame to you, because she thinks you contributed to making him unwell with his stopping child contact tales.

Remember this is the reality she's been fed for over a decade. That's a long time for a lie to have been drilled into her head.

You could message her, if you desperately felt the need too, and tell her in a very calm and polite way (any other will make you look aggressive/crazy and she won't believe you) that you did not prevent child contact and you are sorry to hear that this is what she had been led to believe. That he contacted the children directly and let them down multiple times, you were not even party to the conversations, but the children still have them on their phones and sadly it was their dad who failed to turn up and see them, and not any kind of prevention on your part. Maybe add that you are sorry for her loss, and that you do not intend to further affect any perception of her late husband, so you will leave her to grieve in peace and could she please afford your children the same respect.

That, will have far more effect/clout than any "he's a liar" angry messages. Please stop claiming she's vile though. She can only go on what her husband made her reality. Of course she'd be upset, you would be too if you thought that was the truth. It's not your fault she was lied too, but it's not hers either. You both picked this prince, and that's where your anger should lie, not at each other.

Not in Scotland are you?
Inheritance etc?

They were living in scotland , why ?

I would absolutely not engage with her to put her right as to what happened. Leave her to her grief. I would just write to her and say that you’ve seen the messages to your DD, they are hurtful and elements of them are untrue. Your children have lost their father without an opportunity to put things right or say goodbye. She should not contact them again directly and any essential messages should go through you.

He was the ne at fault, he had the opportunity every day to text his kids, he didn't.

With what she has been told I am , indeed, the " bitter ex" , who did indeed " keep his kids from him"

and , you have got me thinking, it would not surprise me that he told her not to make any effort to set up contact. Why should he / she put in any effort ? He's the victim here right ?? Throughout our marriage he was a selfish man, my needs / opinion in particular was always ignored. I think the thought of actually having to involve / consider me in any way was abhorrent to him, even if it meant he didn't see his kids.

I think I may contact just to say anything she has to say to the children has to come through me. Im not letting them be hurt like that again ., grief or no grief

If they are living in Scotland then she cannot prevent the children from any inheritance. Make sure if he has anything that the kids are included

I think it’s for your children as well, so they know you stood up for them. She may be grieving, but that’s just tough shit, she didn’t care about you all when she sent that message.

She will believe it because that's what he told her.

I don't think it's was her job to try and achieve contact though. He probably told her he'd tried "everything".

f they are living in Scotland then she cannot prevent the children from any inheritance. Make sure if he has anything that the kids are included

I doubt he has any money , but I presume any will he has written would override any possible inheritance issues

No, in Scotland children are entitled to a share of "moveable" assets regardless of what any will says. That won't include property though.

I don't think it's was her job to try and achieve contact though. He probably told her he'd tried "everything".

TBF I expect his sister told the wife that they had "tried everything" ,

his sister is , by far, the most controlling, self centered , narcissistic person I have ever met. Once the main topic that came up over and over . over an entire weekend , was , I kid you not , a spot on her face.

She was very influential in ex-dh life and was instrumental in him divorcing me / losing contact with the DC.

This.

Your DCs know the facts that's all that matters isn't it?

As a PP says, you aren't going to change her mind no matter what you say.

No, in Scotland children are entitled to a share of "moveable" assets regardless of what any will says. That won't include property though.

He did not have any property, but TBF if I were to pursue this I just look like the "grabby ex" .....sigh

but it is interesting information , thank you

OP, I understand that this is a very difficult and emotional time, but I think you are being dreadfully naive and also trying too hard to shift the blame here.

Your Dh had significant mental health issues. There were clearly issues with his family. Subsequent to your divorce, you had limited contact with him and what contact you/ the DC had was not pleasant. He subsequently remarried. He was ill and died without anyone telling you.

And now this woman has sent a bunch of "vile" messages to a young person about their dad and you just a) believe what she says and take it at face value ie "he missed you all so much and talked about you every day and b) even if he did do all that, you are blaming her instead of looking at the bigger picture of his, and his family's, generally abusive and unpleasant behaviour.

As you still refer to him as DH and are clearly grieving, I think you would probably benefit from some counselling. this has clearly been an extraordinarily difficult situation for all of you. I am sorry you have had to go through this.

hi, just easy to say DH tbh.

I have taken on board the main thrust of posts here , he chose not to see his dc. the fact that has now died doesn't change that fact, he chose to live 8 hours away / allowed himself to be influenced to live 8 hours away. he had countless opportunities to keep in touch , he didn't

One incident really stick in my mind, he did , for about 2 years send the DC a Christmas card each , " to my son..." " to my daughter..." etc , really , lovely, personal for each Dc. His final Christmas card , was a joint one "to you all at Xmas" , they weren't even worth 4 separate cards and stamps

No , not in Scotland , even with a will the children cannot be deprived of a inheritance

Honestly would gather the kids all together and have a family meeting and get them to ask you anything they need to know so you are clear and transparent.
I would also say that you had lovely times and were in love when you had the children but his mental health problems meant you had to get safety for the kids as you love them dearly.
He definitely did not try to contact the kids every day and tell them how many times he did in reality.
They can still grieve for the loss of their father but blaming you for his lack of parenting is either wicked lies and/pure fantasy.
She is grieving and looking back with rose tinted glasses. She is deluded.
You, on the other hand, have been a rock solid Mum and am sure they love you dearly and trust what you say against some random mad woman but you need to set the record straight and leave them in no doubt xxxx

Honestly who cares what a bunch of narcissists think of you. If there is anything to be had, do it for your children. They deserve to have something from him to remember.

Honestly who cares what a bunch of narcissists think of you. If there is anything to be had, do it for your children. They deserve to have something from him to remember.

I will look into this , even if its comes to nothing just to have a moment for her of "his had kids, they existed " .

How dare she. She's grieving, so what. His 4 children who were deprived of a father are grieving too, and she's chosen to make their bereavement worse. She knows that he could have contacted his children. They've been adults for years. She didn't contact them when he was ill, she didn't include them in the funeral, she didn't question his efforts to maintain a relationship with them. Haven't she, and him, done enough damage.