Should Ex-Dh new wife have stepped in to help him have contact with the DC ?

[LostInCommunictaion]

Back Story :

DH suffered a massive MH break down and it became untenable for him to continue living at home with the DC.

He moves in with his family, 3.5 hours away. I maintain contact, between DH and the DC, driving the 7 hour round trip.

After some time, due to safeguarding issues, additional measure need to be put in place during contact. DH / his family refuse any additional measure so I am unable to continue with contact.

DH , with support from his family to navigate the complex processes , divorces me , remarries and moves 8 hours away. The DC are not given his phone number / address. At this point DC are 15,13,11,9

Over the course of the next decade EX-DH texts maybe 5 times to the DC. Each time this ends when the DC ask questions DH doesn’t like and he became very verbally aggressive.

Very sadly DH died in a tragic medical incident last month. We were informed via a third party. DC are now aged 25,23,221,19. He was at the time still suffering from significance mental / physical issues and required support.

His widow sent a very distressing text to my DD saying, amongst other things, “ Your mother wouldn’t let him see his kids”, “He spoke of his kids every night and every morning for 10 years, he loved you all dearly”.

I realise that grief can make people say / do some very strange things and that must always be taken into account.

But , before his passing, in 10 years I was never contacted by EX-DH or his wife. There was never an approach for mediation or a court process started to set up contact arrangements.

It is convenient, for their narrative, for me to be labelled the “bitter, twisted” ex who has “kept his kids from him”. But If someone I loved , who had significance mental / physical issues and needed support, told me every day for a decade what they longed for I would move heaven and earth to help them.

How would you feel if this were your family / DC ?

The new wife got together with someone with severe mental and physical health issues, as well as memory loss.

Given this kind of man is not generally attractive to most women, I would guess she has a lot of vulnerability herself.

Much as I would want to set her straight, she is grieving and more than likely incapable of taking on board what you tell her.

Honestly I would breathe a sigh of relief that this chapter of your life is over and never have contact with her again.

they always had contact details , phone numbers , FB , home address

I think you should write the letter, as you say, for you. Send it but keep a copy to show your children/ read back to yourself if this is ever needed. As you say the truth is important and does matter. One could even argue she deserves to know the truth, as it seems she's only ever heard half the story from her husband.

I understand and you’re probably right to keep the moral high ground but to involve the adult children when it’s too late to respond is unforgivable.
She sounds batshit and jealous of you all.

even if I do send something , it won't be now, she is in agony right now and I need to let my emotions settle as well.

I think the title to this post is slightly misleading - but fwiw his wife is bang out of order texting your dd and you so absolutely have to tell her.

Did she have kids with him? Did your ex DH family believe his lies about you? She is vile for sending that and then blocking.

The wife is behaving badly but she is also going through her own grief at the moment. Engaging with her won't impact the man who made so many wrong choices just someone else who loved him.
If you want a sense of closure write a letter to him with everything you wanted to say and then burn it.
Engaging in a conflict with this woman is striking out at the wrong person ultimately.

"One could even argue she deserves to know the truth, as it seems she's only ever heard half the story from her husband."

she heard most of the lies from his sister rather than him.

She might have supported him in a different way if she knew what actually happened, which is sad as now there's no way to "fix" that.

You will never win, as all that is left is family grieving either the real man or the father that your children never had. No one wins.
the widows spiteful messages are uncalled for and wrong but what can you achieve? In your place I would be defeated and desperate to correct as you have had to pick up the burden, but I would hope that my friends (real or online) would remind me in this situation that no good will come from trying to get her to rewrite her history. Comfort yourself that if she did not contact the children prior to your X’s feather or cremation she must know have some awareness of her shaky ground.
i’m sorry your are in the situation, I hope your children find peace. Walking aware in the face of injustice is hard but with so little to gain it may be the least painful option.

I was just going to post just this.

Don't lower yourself by ever contacting this woman, and nothing you could ever write would make any difference. He's dead, it's over. All that matters is what you share with your children.

Hopefully that tells DD everything she needs to know about this person. She's not acting in anyone's interests but exDh and her own.

I'm sorry for your kids having to navigate this. I'd make sure they have the facts from their side. Not sure there's any value in contacting this wife. She won't listen

"Engaging in a conflict with this woman is striking out at the wrong person ultimately."

I dont want to engage in conflict, jsut set out the facts.

As DH was vulnerable in his MH / memory , she , as his wife , held the responsibility to start the process through SS / the courts for him to have contact with his DC , he was not capable of that .

I do like the Queens "recollections may vary" , just perfect

Do set out the facts. Write it all down. Your DC may not want it now but it will perhaps help them at one point in the future. But the facts are for their benefit not for this wife

As DH was vulnerable in his MH / memory , she , as his wife , held the responsibility to start the process through SS / the courts for him to have contact with his DC , he was not capable of that

No, she didn't. She really, really didn't. Let this idea go.

you are all right , contact will achieve nothing for her , I will take a step back , take a breath and just navigate the world my DC have to inhabit now , with out their dad.

"As DH was v"ulnerable in his MH / memory , she , as his wife , held the responsibility to start the process through SS / the courts for him to have contact with his DC , he was not capable of that"

"No, she didn't. She really, really didn't. Let this idea go."

if someone you loved told you every day for 10 years what they wanted and couldn't get for themselves and you did nothing , isn't it your place to help them , isn't that literary what a wife IS ?

I to agree with a pp that a woman who created a life with your ex was likely to have significant vulnerabilities herself.

She also really didn't have any responsibility to start court proceedings etc for him. That isn't any partner's job. She wasn't his lawyer.

She could and should have been a lot better behaved to your dc when their father died.

Setting out your understanding of the facts will change nothing for her, she has her own version which are much easier for her to believe.

Recollections may vary is an excellent mantra to keep in your head as you move forward.

He's probably fed her a whole other narrative where you're the bad guy.
Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to explain yourself to her. You owe her nothing. Leave her to her delusion. She's not your concern. She lives 8 hours away. Just block her number and forget she exists.

In terms of the kids, I'm sure they're under no illusion that a loving and caring father would move 8 hours away from them.

You do need to let the idea that she should have taken over maintaining contact go.

Not your circus, not your monkeys is the default advice to all stepmums on here.

Given his mental state anyway and potentially her own it might have meant more harm than good for the DC anyway

Maybe to you, she felt differently. If your ex was that incapacitated, he wouldn't have been capable of supervising the children, so you think she should have? They aren't her kids. Honestly, the reasons why things played out the way they did just don't matter anymore. All that matters is how you move forward with your kids.

I'd take a step back and focus on what is a very complex situation for your children.

Her actions or inaction isn't the issue here. Anyone on his side of the family could have stepped up. His mental health was the issue and that's nothing you or anyone else could solve for him.

As long as you kids are aware of the actual facts - and your ex and his family inaction - does it really matter - this person is nothing to them and I'd assume they aren't going to have any future contact.

Sending an abuse text to a 19 who just been informed they've lost their Dad - however not in their lives he may have been - it's not the action of a classy well adjusted person. Trying to guilt trip them for how their adult parent felt about them a child with no to limited means to change situation is nasty as is throwing shade at you their remaining parent and then immediately blocking so teen can't respond leaving them upset with no response possible.

She in ill informed nobody lashing out at your kids - she doesn't matter don't waste mental energy thinking about her at all.

She had zero responsibility to ensure he had contact with his kids regardless of his mental health. Personally I'd find a man who chose to move 8 hours from his kids completely unattractive but we all have different standards. The reason he had no contact is fault alone.