Should Ex-Dh new wife have stepped in to help him have contact with the DC ?

[LostInCommunictaion]

Back Story :

DH suffered a massive MH break down and it became untenable for him to continue living at home with the DC.

He moves in with his family, 3.5 hours away. I maintain contact, between DH and the DC, driving the 7 hour round trip.

After some time, due to safeguarding issues, additional measure need to be put in place during contact. DH / his family refuse any additional measure so I am unable to continue with contact.

DH , with support from his family to navigate the complex processes , divorces me , remarries and moves 8 hours away. The DC are not given his phone number / address. At this point DC are 15,13,11,9

Over the course of the next decade EX-DH texts maybe 5 times to the DC. Each time this ends when the DC ask questions DH doesn’t like and he became very verbally aggressive.

Very sadly DH died in a tragic medical incident last month. We were informed via a third party. DC are now aged 25,23,221,19. He was at the time still suffering from significance mental / physical issues and required support.

His widow sent a very distressing text to my DD saying, amongst other things, “ Your mother wouldn’t let him see his kids”, “He spoke of his kids every night and every morning for 10 years, he loved you all dearly”.

I realise that grief can make people say / do some very strange things and that must always be taken into account.

But , before his passing, in 10 years I was never contacted by EX-DH or his wife. There was never an approach for mediation or a court process started to set up contact arrangements.

It is convenient, for their narrative, for me to be labelled the “bitter, twisted” ex who has “kept his kids from him”. But If someone I loved , who had significance mental / physical issues and needed support, told me every day for a decade what they longed for I would move heaven and earth to help them.

How would you feel if this were your family / DC ?

I'm going against the grain but I'd contact her and tell her in no uncertain terms, grief or not, that she's not to contact your children with any further lies. And then very plainly and shortly lay out the truth, XX or yourself did nothing to facilitate contact over the last ten years, XX has had up to date contact details throughout this time, if he spoke about them as you say , then you both knew where they were. I'm very sorry for your loss, but I will not let that be an excuse for upsetting my children.

"She also really didn't have any responsibility to start court proceedings etc for him. That isn't any partner's job. She wasn't his lawyer."

But he was supported to divorce me, that's a complex process.

But she didn't even help him to get support to do it himself , when he was unable of it on his own.

Imagine your DH wants to travel but has significant MH issues that prevent this. Do you , as his partner just shrug and say " well I'm not a travel agent" , " you'll have to sort it yourself " , even if you don't want to organise it then at the very least get a MH charity on board that can help him / tell his social worker.

You need to stop judging people by your own standards. Just because you would support someone in a certain way doesn't mean she would.

Maybe she liked the fact that he couldn't do things for himself. Maybe she liked not having to bother with someone else's children. She could be a narcissist or a complete psychopath. You'd have to be a special kind of something to shack up with someone so mentally incapacitated that he can't book his own train ticket. Not everyone has good intentions.

Imagine your DH wants to travel but has significant MH issues that prevent this. Do you , as his partner just shrug and say " well I'm not a travel agent" , " you'll have to sort it yourself " , even if you don't want to organise it then at the very least get a MH charity on board that can help him / tell his social worker.

If this was is was an issue - she has even less reason to lash out at you and your 19 year old - if she has any self awareness she'd already know this - so really even more reason to completely ignore and keep her well away from your kids lives.

The past is done - the could've and should've don't matter - focus on the now and what your kids need. This person isn't very nice grief stricken or not - avoid her and don't give her any "in" into your lives.

I agree. I know she's grieving but so are your kids and she's the adult! I'd want to make it crystal eat that she's never to make contact with them again and that if she wants to discuss the past 10 years the. It's with you and not the kids.

Maybe she liked the fact that he couldn't do things for himself. Maybe she liked not having to bother with someone else's children. She could be a narcissist or a complete psychopath. You'd have to be a special kind of something to shack up with someone so mentally incapacitated that he can't book his own train ticket. Not everyone has good intentions.

I think his not "having" kids was very convenient.

This has given be a new perspective,

She isolated him form all his friends , and the ones that met her said she came across as very controlling.

She shouldn’t have sent your children a text but neither should she have facilitated contact on his behalf. That’s not her place. He probably did love his children but such severe mental health issues can do all sorts of things to a person and he probably wasn’t in a place where he could be any kind of father with her help or without

thank you all for listening, i wont be ably to say these things IRL .

but neither should she have facilitated contact on his behalf. That’s not her place

but I think it is , in these circumstances, as he was unable to do it himself.* If his wish was to see his kids and he could not sort that out himself then I think it is her place. *

Yup. Looks like she saw a vulnerable man and swooped right in. Has she by any chance financially gained from being married to him? Also I'm surprised that he managed to get married when a phone call to his kids is too much for him to handle.

He moves in with his family, 3.5 hours away. I maintain contact, between DH and the DC, driving the 7 hour round trip.
How long did you do this for? What was the initial plan?
Why did their gp/aunt not drive over to you to take the kids out?
DH / his family refuse any additional measure so I am unable to continue with contact.
What was the additional measure? Would no one literally or metaphorically meet you half-way?
DH, with support from his family to navigate the complex processes, divorces me, remarries and moves 8 hours away.
Why had you not instigated divorce already? How did he start an affair if incapacitated?
The DC are not given his phone number/ address.
You had neither either? Were the gp/aunt LC or NC at this point?
Over the course of the next decade ex-DH texts maybe 5 times to the DC.
So they/you did have a mobile phone number?
He was at the time still suffering from significance mental / physical issues and required support. so impossible for custodial visits at that distance
But, before his passing, in 10 years I was never contacted by EX-DH or his wife.
He was clearly unfit but not sure how you expected her to facilitate visits from eight hours away or vice versa. Am amazed there was nobody able to facilitate phone calls/whatsapp/zoom though, especially during lockdowns when we all learnt how
There was never an approach for mediation or a court process started to set up contact arrangements.
Practically, at an 8 hour distance with a mentally and physically unwell man, not sure how this could have panned out
If someone I loved, who had significance mental/physical issues and needed support, told me every day for a decade what they longed for I would move heaven and earth to help them.
I assume you did at the time. Then felt it was no longer tenable. Totally understandable. But if this woman had never met her stepchildren and was told you thought it best to be NC by your ex SIL, would you have overridden those boundaries?
How would you feel if this were your family / DC ?
It kind of is. Without going into detail, I facilitate all contact between my kids and their father by phone/whatsapp. Geographically, we are an ocean apart. It is always me that makes contact. If I didn't, we'd all end up LC/NC. I am often bitter and resentful but nonetheless keep in touch. If he divorced me and got remarried, I'd remain in touch until my oldest turns 18. Your youngest was 9. I'd therefore have kept up communications via the in laws or the mobile number on the texts until I was formally told to stop in writing. Or unless the children stated categorically they wanted no contact themselves.

None of the shoulda, woulda, coulda helps you though.
It was a dick move of the new wife to contact then block.
It was a dick move to cremate without notice.
It is a dick move not to invite them to any memorial service.
It is bloody awful that their aunt and grandparents also appear to be NC.
It is unfair you have to now navigate your kids through the grieving process alone.
It is possible that they may have already had to grieve him and he was not the father they wished for. Nonetheless feelings may be triggered, especially the eldest two who may have memories. It sounds a bloody hard situation all round.
But they are all adults now at 25 ,23, 21 and 19. They will need to come to terms with it and therapy might be useful, especially if they do have unresolved issues, questions or what ifs.
Good luck and God bless. You've all been through a lot and there are no winners here.

Stop making excuses for him and stop blaming her. If his mental state is so bad that he can't make a phone call or book an online ticket then should he really be spending time with his children? Him not seeing his kids was entirely his choice. As was moving 8 hours away from them.

I feel like you're finding it hard to accept that your ex did not give a single shit about his kids. I understand why that would be a hard thing to accept. But it seems to be the truth.

None of the shoulda, woulda, coulda helps you though.
It was a dick move of the new wife to contact then block.
It was a dick move to cremate without notice.
It is a dick move not to invite them to any memorial service.
It is bloody awful that their aunt and grandparents also appear to be NC.
It is unfair you have to now navigate your kids through the grieving process alone.

This.

lots of questions , I wont be able to answer them all.

Basically his family cut off all support / communication / support with me and the DC. They did not care if he had contact with the DC. I was unwilling to engage with them in person as they had threatened me e.g. "I don't know what I would do if I see her"

After a very long period of no contact we did have his number , once he texted , but as every text always ended in aggression form his side the DC did not initiate any contact.

People can have difficulties in their H that affect one are of their lives but they can still have contact with their children.

I feel like you're finding it hard to accept that your ex did not give a single shit about his kids of

He could have done so much more, even with his MH issues.

He could text , why didn't he text every week just a " I'm thinking you" text.

He got to live the life he did because he didn't have to bother with his kids, because I was raising them.* *

But he also got to play the " I miss my kids, she wont let me see them " card

If the message was sent late at night, you perhaps she was drunk. I’d ignore her and any further communications with her met with silence. As above, recollections do vary.

They were crappy grandparents and aunt then. I'd go so far as to say crappy parents and sister to your ex too, if they knew he couldn't make custodial arrangements and they didn't care or bother.
They had more duty to do that potentially than the new partner. What do we owe each other? I'm still not sure I know the answer to that as far as family and partners go.
I assume his family felt you weren't there for him in his hour of need/didn't keep your vows/didn't cope/dumped him on them? But I would have done the same in your shoes so as not to go under myself.
Nobody chooses to be a single mum of four. Nobody.
Mental health and depression and co dependence is a nightmare. You also have to safeguard and put your children first, especially where someone might pose a danger to themselves or others.
The DC being at the end of aggression would not have boded well for any visitation. I suspect that was defence as attack from his side - it's hard to tell how incapacitated he was but it sounds as if they dodged a bullet tbh.
Not all communication or visitation is good. He should have been there for them, health issues or not, but it comes down to capacity and support.
It appears there was support to divorce you but none for supporting his children.
I would try to think of a good memory and dwell on that rather than what should have been. He was either incapable or didn't care. Your children have had a decade knowing that and I'd be very surprised if they didn't see the full picture already. Just concentrate now on getting through the next few months and taking care of each other x

Ultimately he missed out because he chose not to be a part of their lives. Like you said, he could have texted but he didn't. His choice. I don't think you can blame his wife for that. He can say he missed his kids all he wants, but actions speak louder than words and his actions or lack of showed he didn't care.

You and your kids know the truth. It doesn't matter what anyone else things.

Your ExH wife is vile. It's unhinged behaviour to send those messages & not invite children to a funeral & cut them out of any memorial process

However the person at fault for the lack of contact is your ExH, your ire should be directed at him. The relationship with him you hoped for your children is never going to be possible now so you are focusing on the wife.

I hope your children are OK. Thank god they have you to look after them.

Someone in a long-term relationship with someone that unwell, from the start, screams co-dependency. Which means she has a raft of issues of her own. Just because she throws a ball, doesn't mean you have to chase it. I guarantee further contact with her will bring nothing positive.

Look after your DC, reframe the whole things as 'well, your dad clearly cared about you but wasn't well enough to express that in a good way' and move on.

Thank you all for all your messages.

He was responsible, he could have done so much more.

Thier narrative is I threw a vulnerable, unwell man out.

In reality he was vile to me and the kids, but just us , lovely to everyone else.

His attitude would change ,literally, walking through a door.

After a specific incident I was physically afraid of him, we'd all be walking on egg shells for two years.

I had to chose between caring for him or caring for the DC there was no middle ground. I chose the Dc , and I would a 1000 times over.

Sadly when we , as a family , really needed support I was undermined by his family and members of my family . It was an unsustainable situation.

I

He got to live the life he did because he didn't have to bother with his kids, because I was raising them.
If he was mentally/physically unwell, I doubt it was a life anyone would envy
But he also got to play the " I miss my kids, she won't let me see them" card
Only to his family and second wife. It sounds like it was can't not won't for their own protection.

It's difficult without knowing the set of circumstances.
If he was down/ill and you chucked him out, but he was well enough to get remarried then unless he was being exploited, it appears he's just another feckless father/downbeat dad.
If he was down/ill and his family took up the reins to try and get him better/rehabilitate - but with no regard to his children's feelings - then any "blame" for the NC should be shouldered by them in part.

But sometimes there's no one to blame but the circumstances we find ourselves in. You can be angry about that and the injustice of it but it doesn't change what happened and why.

She is likely to be rewriting history purely to make herself feel better and so nothing comes back on her now he has died. The important thing here is that your DC know the actual truth, which they lived. They are adults so they are going to be fully aware that their father never contacted them etc. They have lived your true version of events.
I think contacting his wife will be setting yourself up for more trouble. Their circle of family and friends will believe their version of events and anything you say will probably be twisted further. She is highly unlikely to show people the letter so they see through her, and if she does show people it will probably be used as ‘proof’ of your ‘cruelty’ to the ‘poor widow‘. I would just focus on your children in this situation and forget the new wife. All ties are broken with her now that her husband has died.

I am so sorry for everything you and your children have had to go through. You have had to be unimaginably strong.

As other posters have said, there's nothing to be gained from engaging with his wife. She has her own version of events, that's she's believed for many years, and you are not going to be able to change her mind, especially now when she is grieving. Of course what she did was wrong, but you are only going to cause yourself more pain by contacting her.

Focus on yourself and your children and whatever you all need to get through this horrible time.

He was vile to me and the kids

So you grieve for the man you first met and married, the person he once was, the dad he started out as/could have been in a parallel universe but the reality doesn't change love. You did what you did to safeguard your children. You know that. They know that.