DP going abroad for football trip when I’m 34 weeks pregnant

[Beachyblue]

I posted in AIBU back in November regarding DP going to Germany to watch Scotland in the euros when I’ll be 35 weeks pregnant.

At the time, I felt pretty chilled out about it as the likelihood of baby coming early was slim. That was also the general consensus on the thread (https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4948557-would-you-be-ok-with-dp-going-on-football-trip-when-34-weeks-pregnant?page=1)

Since then, my NHS due date puts me at 35 weeks when he will be away and it’s been discovered that I have placenta previa and am therefore high risk. I’ve recently had a hospital stay due to a bleed and the consultant pretty much said it’s only a matter of time before I may bleed again and need another hospital stay. They said depending on how many bleeds I go on to have, I may need to stay in hospital until baby comes and baby may need to come much earlier.

They also said that my C Section will be at 37 weeks provided I don’t have a large bleed requiring a section before then. DP returns when I’m 36 weeks (he’s away for a week) and now I’m just a bit worried.

My main concerns are that I’ll have a big bleed and he won’t be there to take me to hospital, I’ll be admitted to hospital and he won’t be here to visit me and obviously that he could miss the birth of his baby and me having to go through the c section alone.

He seems completely unphased by this and assures me that he will get the first flight home should anything happen… just looking for some advice please!

I’d highly, highly recommend him canceling. I went into labor at work at 34 weeks and my husband was at work outside of the city. It took him time to get to me and it was deeply traumatizing.

Given that you’re high risk, what does he think will happen if something goes wrong? They don’t have special immediate flights for partners with wives who have just gone into labor.

Football is life.
If he can't see that he should be around and you need to persuade him then I would make alternative plans for someone who is really going to support you through the birth. This would make me furious and not want him there.
Seriously.
He is showing you who he really is.

@Matthew54 this is what I explained to him last night, plus the fact that the hospital aren’t going to hold off on delivering the baby until he arrives!

Thanks @Hiker50, frustrating but true.

He isn’t saying he is 100% going but hasn’t said anything about cancelling… I understand he doesn’t want to miss out on a ‘once in a lifetime’ trip as he’s had a shit couple of years however I’ve had to miss out on quite a few things including pre planned trips during my pregnancy and have just had to suck it up!

Seeing your child being born is a once in a lifetime experience. If he missed that for football, he should plan on missing a lot of other “firsts” because he would be getting served with divorce papers the following day.

I wouldn't be happy with him going. Good luck with the baby.

I’d probably be ok with him going as long as I knew how to get to hospital without him. I’m an optimist though and would be thinking baby will be well until he gets back! Only you can know whether you could forgive him for missing the birth

No, he needs to cancel. I’m sure you’re aware of the risks. You’ll need support.

He can probably sell his ticket nearer the time, they are in huge demand and someone will snap it up. So you could wait and see how things are going.

Is there anyway he can go for less than 5 days, fly out see the match and fly back again, perhaps only away for 2 days?

Could he at least reduce the length of time he is away? Ifs only Germany so one or two nights for a football match is surely more than enough?

@DGPP even with a high risk pregnancy?

I don’t think I could forgive him for missing the birth.

The tickets were very cheap, it’s the flights and accommodation he has spent an absolute fortune on. He is going for a week (which I thought was excessive anyway, before this).

I think if I have no further bleeds he will go, and if I do have anymore he will reconsider

I’d have been fine with him going as long as your pregnancy was progressing normally, and you had support around should something unexpected happen.

Now it isn’t I wouldn’t be. You are high risk and he needs to cancel.

I wouldn’t pussy foot around with this - tell him don’t ask him. Don’t start off on the footing of him being able to opt out of parenting, you both decided to have this baby.

Is he not insured? Would this not be covered?

Does he understand how life-threatening and risky a placenta previa can be? Does he realise that you almost certainly will bleed again as the baby grows? And that the doctors will do everything they can to get you to 37 weeks, but if it’s not happening, you will be prepared as much as possible and have a C-section under general? And your baby may need a stay in neonatal?

Sure, it would be sad to miss a trip, but if he can’t see that you are more important than a lads’ trip, then he’s a total cunt.

I daresay he’s the sort of man that if he did cancel, and you didn’t have an early C-section or bleed, he’d actually be angry at you because he ‘could’ have gone.

It really shouldn’t be this hard to ‘convince’ him to stay, so that if you need support during a medical emergency or the unexpected early birth of the baby you made together, he is there by your side.

Wether he went away or didn’t now, I’d still have seen the reg flag and be sad that I was spending my life with a man who thinks football and a week away is more important than my well-being (mental and physical) or our baby’s. You shouldn’t have to fight and state a case to be seen at this time.

This isn’t an ordinary low risk pregnancy. If it was then the situation would be different.

The tickets were very cheap, it’s the flights and accommodation he has spent an absolute fortune on. He is going for a week (which I thought was excessive anyway, before this)

An absolute fortune just before having a baby? He sounds like a dick.

Your DH obviously doesn't have the sense he was born with.

This is a potential medical emergency which isn't going to go away because he wants to be away having fun. It sounds very likely things could go wrong very suddenly. It's not you being a worried expectant Mum, it's medical advice which he is not listening to. He's acting like a child in danger of having his sweeties confiscated, not a grown man who should be supporting. his family

Apart from anything else, he is causing you stress and anxiety at a time when you should both be looking forward to the birth. As it is, it sounds like you are dreading the birth..and that's on him.

This is vile :(

How selfish can a person be?

I feel like I'd be packing his stuff when he leaves. You shouldn't even have to ask him to stay, after your medical prognosis he should have wanted to be home with you.

I'm so sad for you :(

And if you convince him to stay he's always going to be resentful that you 'nagged him into missing it'

And if he goes you're always going to be resentful that he chose a football match over the safety of you and your child.

Is he not aware that a bleed can be come a life and death situation?

I don't think there would be any coming back from this for me :(

Make your own plans for back up support now, OP. It's his loss if he's not the first one to see his newborn and isn't around for the first few hours to enjoy. Also, he's going to realise afterwards he's seriously let you both down.

If you have local friends/family talk to them about a lift, if they could stay with you during birth (if they can't midwives are absolutely lovely and will totally support you). An ambulance could be an option. If not, money for a taxi.

You shouldn't be left alone. There's just no question.

I don't think you should be left alone considering you are highly likely to have a medical emergency.

It may be that for him the reality of the forthcoming baby has not really sunk in. For you you are experiencing pregnancy and everything that comes with it. he has not yet had any of the reality of it. So it's still a bit hypothetical for him - sort of.

NB- this is me trying to put the most positive spin on his behaviour. Which tbh is not that impressive.

As a last ditch effort, I’d ask your midwife if she could explain to him how serious placenta previa is to both your health and that of your child’s. Have her explain everything that could go wrong and how imperative quick treatment is. If that still doesn’t move him, I’d plan on him not being there.

If he goes, arrange for a relative or friend to stay with you.

Make sure you have ambulance cover and can stay in hospital until you feel well enough to go home alone.
Do you have private medical cover for if you have no spouse to help out after a very early birth?

If all is well he will be back before the birth.

This is a bit of an overreaction and unhelpful to OP IMO.

The level of selfishness is quite astonishing. Assuming you live in the UK then there is no guarantee any ambulance e is going to reach you in time if you have an emergency- even if you are in a fit enough state to call for one.

Never mind everything that can go wrong, what about if you just need some moral fucking support from the person who is supposed to be on your side?

Do you have any pets or others depending on you? What happens to them if he pisses off to the football for a week and you have a medical emergency that puts your life and the life of your child at risk?

I'd find it hard to forgive to be honest. Plus this is quite a bad harbinger of how he may be as a father going forwards. Himself first at the cost of all others.

I'm really sorry OP.