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Original poster

DP going abroad for football trip when I’m 34 weeks pregnant

138 replies

Beachyblue · 08/04/2024 08:24

I posted in AIBU back in November regarding DP going to Germany to watch Scotland in the euros when I’ll be 35 weeks pregnant.

At the time, I felt pretty chilled out about it as the likelihood of baby coming early was slim. That was also the general consensus on the thread (https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4948557-would-you-be-ok-with-dp-going-on-football-trip-when-34-weeks-pregnant?page=1)

Since then, my NHS due date puts me at 35 weeks when he will be away and it’s been discovered that I have placenta previa and am therefore high risk. I’ve recently had a hospital stay due to a bleed and the consultant pretty much said it’s only a matter of time before I may bleed again and need another hospital stay. They said depending on how many bleeds I go on to have, I may need to stay in hospital until baby comes and baby may need to come much earlier.

They also said that my C Section will be at 37 weeks provided I don’t have a large bleed requiring a section before then. DP returns when I’m 36 weeks (he’s away for a week) and now I’m just a bit worried.

My main concerns are that I’ll have a big bleed and he won’t be there to take me to hospital, I’ll be admitted to hospital and he won’t be here to visit me and obviously that he could miss the birth of his baby and me having to go through the c section alone.

He seems completely unphased by this and assures me that he will get the first flight home should anything happen… just looking for some advice please!

Would you be ok with DP going on football trip when 34 weeks pregnant | Mumsnet

DP is booking to go to the Euros in Germany to see Scotland play a couple of games in June (exact dates to be confirmed). He said he will be away for...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4948557-would-you-be-ok-with-dp-going-on-football-trip-when-34-weeks-pregnant?page=1

OP posts:
jannier · 08/04/2024 12:05

MidnightPatrol · 08/04/2024 09:41

Complicated!

Without the bleeding I'd say 34/35 weeks is still so early (some women are pregnant a full two months longer than that), so the likelihood of the baby arriving that weekend are very slim.

Given he won't be doing much in the way of socialising post birth, I'd let him go but on the following agreements:

  • If you are bleeding / have any medical incidents / are hospitalised in the days running up to it, he can't go.
  • Knowing what the alternative return travel plans look like
  • Guaranteeing he will be contactable at all times (maybe having a friends number just in case)

Once the baby is here you really won't want him gallivanting off with his mates for the weekend (and he won't be for some time), so better to 'let' him do that while the baby still isn't here IMO.

I'd ignore the comments suggesting he's a terrible person etc. I'm sure he's not - the reality is men aren't pregnant themselves so have a different lens on it, and he just wants to go on his fun trip with his mates.

Have you got a relative / friend who can be on call locally for you that weekend?

Edited

He's away a week....baby is probably coming sooner as the doctor won't leave it that long....as she's said in op..
Do he's due back the week before latest they will leave baby
She's understandably anxious already.

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 12:09

Football is a massive deal for some men. I know women don’t understand this but it really is. Him saying he will get a flight home in an emergency seems a reasonable compromise.

RedMark · 08/04/2024 12:14

As a huge football fan myself, yanbu. You and baby come first.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3rd trimester Childbirth Families General pregnancy
SpringLobelia · 08/04/2024 12:16

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 12:09

Football is a massive deal for some men. I know women don’t understand this but it really is. Him saying he will get a flight home in an emergency seems a reasonable compromise.

Oddly enough @CaterhamReconstituted ...'having a baby is a massive deal for some women. I know men don't understand this but it really is. ' ...

I'm not even going to say what i really think about your post. And the 'some men' who think going out on the piss is more important than their wife having a baby when the pregnancy is already severely medically fragile.

ChimneyPot · 08/04/2024 12:18

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 12:09

Football is a massive deal for some men. I know women don’t understand this but it really is. Him saying he will get a flight home in an emergency seems a reasonable compromise.

A life threatening medical condition could also be considered a massive deal.

OP I think having him attend the consultants appointment with you so he understands the risks is a good idea.

If he decides to travel anyway do have someone stay with you or stay with someone else.
Don’t be alone in your condition.

ChimneyPot · 08/04/2024 12:18

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 12:09

Football is a massive deal for some men. I know women don’t understand this but it really is. Him saying he will get a flight home in an emergency seems a reasonable compromise.

Repeat post

ChimneyPot · 08/04/2024 12:18

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 12:09

Football is a massive deal for some men. I know women don’t understand this but it really is. Him saying he will get a flight home in an emergency seems a reasonable compromise.

Repeat post

SpringLobelia · 08/04/2024 12:21

MN seems to be doing alot of triple posts today.

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 12:22

SpringLobelia · 08/04/2024 12:16

Oddly enough @CaterhamReconstituted ...'having a baby is a massive deal for some women. I know men don't understand this but it really is. ' ...

I'm not even going to say what i really think about your post. And the 'some men' who think going out on the piss is more important than their wife having a baby when the pregnancy is already severely medically fragile.

Show quote history

Of course having a baby is a big deal. I’m not even saying I agree with his decision. But I’m looking at it from his perspective. The Euros are a big football tournament.

There’s much for him to weigh up but saying it’s a sign that he’s a terrible person etc really isn’t the case (assuming he is otherwise a good person).

Garman · 08/04/2024 12:23

Out of interest I showed my husband this post and reminded him of his trip away when I was 33+ weeks and loosely scheduled for a C-section at 38 weeks and he went away, and he agreed hugely that yes we were idiots and that was the worst idea ever. Hopefully talking to the consultant makes your husband understand the possible severity of the situation.

Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes · 08/04/2024 12:23

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 12:09

Football is a massive deal for some men. I know women don’t understand this but it really is. Him saying he will get a flight home in an emergency seems a reasonable compromise.

They shouldn't become parents if football is more important than their wife and baby's health,

Goldfishonabike · 08/04/2024 12:26

Beachyblue · 08/04/2024 08:35

@Matthew54 this is what I explained to him last night, plus the fact that the hospital aren’t going to hold off on delivering the baby until he arrives!

Thanks @Hiker50, frustrating but true.

He isn’t saying he is 100% going but hasn’t said anything about cancelling… I understand he doesn’t want to miss out on a ‘once in a lifetime’ trip as he’s had a shit couple of years however I’ve had to miss out on quite a few things including pre planned trips during my pregnancy and have just had to suck it up!

One should think the birth of his child would be a once in a lifetime thing! He sounds like he needs to wake up to the realities of parenthood

Goldfishonabike · 08/04/2024 12:28

Also, is this your first child? If so he needs to start ti understand his responsibility, for some men that sadly takes time. Took years for DH, but even he wouldn’t have dreamed of planning to go away near my due date. Please make sure he or someone else is there, having a stressful birthing experience can be traumatic and lead to post natal depression, it’s so very important you feel safe and supported at this time.

pikkumyy77 · 08/04/2024 12:45

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 12:22

Of course having a baby is a big deal. I’m not even saying I agree with his decision. But I’m looking at it from his perspective. The Euros are a big football tournament.

There’s much for him to weigh up but saying it’s a sign that he’s a terrible person etc really isn’t the case (assuming he is otherwise a good person).

Edited
Show quote history

A person’s character is revealed when they prioritize a trivial want over their partner snd child’s need. It absolutely challenges any notion of this man being a “good man” that he would consider going on a road trip as a spectator while his partner and future child endure a high risk pregnancy and birth.

Women and babies die in birth, or can be injured. My DH and I made plans for devisionmaking and health care before my two births in case I was incapacitated and could not make decisions for us. It boggles my mind that any adult male would not be aware of the necessity to sacrifice a petty homosocial orgy of drinking and etc… for his partner and child.

qwertylal · 08/04/2024 12:54

He should cancel. I had placenta previa, thankfully I had no bleeds but I still had to stay in hospital for 2 weeks prior to C-section at 38 weeks.

mateysmum · 08/04/2024 12:55

You don't say if you have somebody else who can come and stay with you if he does go. If you do then I still think he's an arsehole for going, but you would be physically OK, but you must not be left alone.

Does he realise that you have a life threatening condition and not to be overdramatic or scary but does he realise that the phone call he may get whilst away might not be with the news of a birth but of the death of his wife and child, because help did not get to them in time?

It really is that stark. He may have been plodding along happily, thinking this is just a baby, nothing for him to do at the moment, ages to go, might as well do something important like watch footie. Things have changed and he needs to wake up to his responsibilities.

TeaAndStrumpets · 08/04/2024 12:58

mateysmum · 08/04/2024 12:55

You don't say if you have somebody else who can come and stay with you if he does go. If you do then I still think he's an arsehole for going, but you would be physically OK, but you must not be left alone.

Does he realise that you have a life threatening condition and not to be overdramatic or scary but does he realise that the phone call he may get whilst away might not be with the news of a birth but of the death of his wife and child, because help did not get to them in time?

It really is that stark. He may have been plodding along happily, thinking this is just a baby, nothing for him to do at the moment, ages to go, might as well do something important like watch footie. Things have changed and he needs to wake up to his responsibilities.

A million percent this.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 08/04/2024 13:00

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 12:09

Football is a massive deal for some men. I know women don’t understand this but it really is. Him saying he will get a flight home in an emergency seems a reasonable compromise.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 13:05

pikkumyy77 · 08/04/2024 12:45

A person’s character is revealed when they prioritize a trivial want over their partner snd child’s need. It absolutely challenges any notion of this man being a “good man” that he would consider going on a road trip as a spectator while his partner and future child endure a high risk pregnancy and birth.

Women and babies die in birth, or can be injured. My DH and I made plans for devisionmaking and health care before my two births in case I was incapacitated and could not make decisions for us. It boggles my mind that any adult male would not be aware of the necessity to sacrifice a petty homosocial orgy of drinking and etc… for his partner and child.

Show quote history

I don’t agree. It’s not a trivial want to him, that’s what I’m saying. Your view about it being homoerotic and unimportant is just that…it’s your view, not his. It doesn’t make him a bad character to think differently to you.

I think we forget that it’s a very recent thing for men to helicopter their partner’s childbirth. Years ago it was perfectly normal for men to be absent - childbirth was seen as a female domain where men got in the way. Sometimes even midwives would look upon any man suspiciously and shoo him away. My dad was in the betting shop when I was born and my mum never held it against him.

We are not delicate flowers who need a man to be next to us at all times. Men’s value comes in other ways.

He should have his trip and be on the other end of a phone for genuine emergencies.

Blackcats7 · 08/04/2024 13:05

He is an elderly child. Sorry you are lumbered with him OP. I suspect this may be the shape of many let downs to come.
I think you need to plan other sources of support as clearly his priority is himself.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/04/2024 13:07

He should contact his insurer to see if he is covered by your medical advice that he be on emergency stand by due to a high risk pregnancy

Ponderingwindow · 08/04/2024 13:07

It’s time for him to grow up. He should be worried about doing everything he can to protect you and the baby. Even if all he can do is keep an eye on you for symptoms, make phone calls, and drive you to the hospital, he should be there to do those things.

mateysmum · 08/04/2024 13:08

CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 13:05

I don’t agree. It’s not a trivial want to him, that’s what I’m saying. Your view about it being homoerotic and unimportant is just that…it’s your view, not his. It doesn’t make him a bad character to think differently to you.

I think we forget that it’s a very recent thing for men to helicopter their partner’s childbirth. Years ago it was perfectly normal for men to be absent - childbirth was seen as a female domain where men got in the way. Sometimes even midwives would look upon any man suspiciously and shoo him away. My dad was in the betting shop when I was born and my mum never held it against him.

We are not delicate flowers who need a man to be next to us at all times. Men’s value comes in other ways.

He should have his trip and be on the other end of a phone for genuine emergencies.

Show quote history

And how will being on the phone "for genuine emergencies" help the OP when she is bleeding heavily and waiting for an ambulance?
This isn't simply about being at the birth. The OP has a condition that may put her and her child at risk, but hey, she'll be fine left alone. Football is SO much more important than your wife and child.

ManonDe · 08/04/2024 13:10

The situation is that this man's wife may require immediate emergency help that unless she has someone with her she might not be able to call for or ask for. And she might therefore die.

The situation is that in any case something catastrophic might go wrong in labour because of a current, ongoing, diagnosed medical issue.

Most vaguely functioning men might chose to prioritise this over a football match that is - at the end of the day- pointless and not a life or death matter. The fact that most men in the past were able to go to the betting shop and be absent is not here or there. THIS woman has a current medical need to be monitored and it is potentially deathly dangerous for her to be left alone.

Or- she might just want her partner and the father of her child to be there for her in case she needs him.

The idea that a football match and a piss up for a week in another country is more important is frankly insane. If he chooses to value that over his wife and child then he needs his arse kicked back to bachelorhood.

Farahfawsett · 08/04/2024 13:11

Let's presume you aren't pregnant, but your DP has been told by medical professionals that he has a serious health issue that could kill either him or your child or both, but just for the next few weeks.

Instead of staying by his side and ensuring that you are with him and your child through this harrowing time, giving comfort and support, making his life easier and ensuring you can quickly drive him to a hospital if need be, you say "fuck that! There's men in Europe kicking a ball around, that's much more important" and fly to a different country for a week.

How do you imagine your DP would feel about that? Knowing you might be in a different country as he bleeds to death on the floor of your home, unable to get medical help or assistance and knowing that his child is also dying unaided?

Would he send you off with a cheery smile? Tell you to enjoy yourself?

Of course he wouldn't, but I bet you wouldn't do it either.

He's a selfish pig if he even considers going, I can't believe he hasn't already cancelled.