DP going abroad for football trip when I’m 34 weeks pregnant

[Beachyblue]

I posted in AIBU back in November regarding DP going to Germany to watch Scotland in the euros when I’ll be 35 weeks pregnant.

At the time, I felt pretty chilled out about it as the likelihood of baby coming early was slim. That was also the general consensus on the thread (https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4948557-would-you-be-ok-with-dp-going-on-football-trip-when-34-weeks-pregnant?page=1)

Since then, my NHS due date puts me at 35 weeks when he will be away and it’s been discovered that I have placenta previa and am therefore high risk. I’ve recently had a hospital stay due to a bleed and the consultant pretty much said it’s only a matter of time before I may bleed again and need another hospital stay. They said depending on how many bleeds I go on to have, I may need to stay in hospital until baby comes and baby may need to come much earlier.

They also said that my C Section will be at 37 weeks provided I don’t have a large bleed requiring a section before then. DP returns when I’m 36 weeks (he’s away for a week) and now I’m just a bit worried.

My main concerns are that I’ll have a big bleed and he won’t be there to take me to hospital, I’ll be admitted to hospital and he won’t be here to visit me and obviously that he could miss the birth of his baby and me having to go through the c section alone.

He seems completely unphased by this and assures me that he will get the first flight home should anything happen… just looking for some advice please!

Reported for personal abuse

i would just tell him straight that you need him to
cancel

DH and I lived apart for most pregnancies and we always cut it very fine in terms of when he was going to be there shortly before the due date. And I was always happy with that risk.

But your situation is ridiculous, you have actual health risks and he is planning to be gone on your now-quite-possibly-due date. Of course he should cancel. And shouldn't need to be told!

This is a condition where, simply put, you need to plan for the worst case.

It is not classist to suggest a sport is not as important as a child. Rather, it’s a natural distinction.

OP, I’d enlist people who can drive you and have them on notice if he goes. I hope nothing happens and you have a safe delivery.

Dh flew to Canada for a week when I was 35 weeks pregnant. He came back on Saturday and on Sunday I was in maternity hospital to be induced because of preeclampsia. Baby was born on Monday.

I thought it was fine him to go as previous birth went over 40 weeks and I was at the end induced.

Reported for personal abuse

I think it's worse to tell a pregnant woman with a high risk condition to pander to her husband's week-long holiday but maybe you can dish it out...

@CaterhamReconstituted it hasn't taken me much to look up what the OP's condition could mean, or do you not expect a hardcore male football fan to research a condition his pregnant wife has, as it might get in the way of the all important football scores

Whilst I'm not denying that it is probably sensible for him to cancel his trip, I am puzzled by some posters concerns that the OP could fall unconscious at home alone, could die because an ambulance can't get to her past enough and he isn't there to drive her etc.

Are you saying that the OP should not be left alone at all? Ie does the man here need to either work from home until the baby is born, or take a prolonged absence from work? Does he need to check on her health several times during the night? Is she allowed to be alone whilst he pops to the shops?

Yes, going to Germany is very different from going to work, but the risk of an emergency when alone exists in both. Either period are overstating this risk, or thr OP and partner need to sit down and plan , to ensure the OP is never alone.

I think you need to sit him down and explain in pretty brutal terms just what 'medical emergency' really means. Make sure that he understands that you need to have a designated person who will be able to make decisions about your baby's care in the event that you are unable to. Then you get him to write out a consent letter to this effect for you to take into hospital with you. Then he needs to recruit a very trusted friend or family member who will undertake to stay available and sober, all the time he is away in case you need urgent transport to hospital. He will also need to provide waterproof covers for the car in case you bleed on it. Absolutely no way you can be sure of getting an ambulance. I would be laying it on pretty thick.

Actually my friend with PP was advised to not be alone at any time . This was before working from home so we had a rota of close friends and relatives during the day and her dh took over after work. It was that or be admitted.

To answer the 'never alone' thing. As a previous PP patient the bleeds later on can be very big and very dramatic.
Your entire blood volume goes through the placenta every hour. I had to travel completely flat and slowly in an ambulance. There is no way I could have driven because you need to be upright for that and you quickly become dizzy and if it continues, unconscious. It would not be safe to do so.
You could be left alone and could phone an ambulance and leave the doors open. But it would be helpful to have someone nearby that can accompany you towards the end of the pregnancy.

I lived in a big city and wasn't far from a hospital even when I wasn't near my hospital. For women that live not near a hospital they are usually admitted early on bed rest towards the end of the pregnancy.

The OP should be getting regular scans to see how near the placenta is and what it is doing.
The risk may change either for better or worse towards the end of the pregnancy. The consultant should be able to advise on likelihood of this.
Also ask to be checked for vasa praevia as a safety as it increases the risk.

PS the Euros is actually in Scotland as the next hosts so it's not once in a lifetime. The UK are hosting in 2028.

It wasn’t that I can’t take it when dished out. It wasn’t a mere difference of opinion. That poster said I was a “dickhead” which falls within “personal attack” and it not permitted according to MN guidelines.

I know. I owned that. You were being ludicrous.

Thanks.

In that case, why is he even considering still going
Bonkers.

Thank you for all of your replies, I have read them all.

I do think ever since being told about the placenta previa I’ve been a bit blasé, especially as the consultant at my 20 week appointment said the only thing to avoid was intercourse and other than that I could carry on as normal. Since having the bleed however I do have many more restrictions, have realised how serious it is and have done my own research.

I do believe my partner generally just doesn’t realise how serious this is so the best way forward is for him to come to my next consultants appointment for her to explain it to him

Or he could do his own research - much quicker than waiting for the appointment.

@MILTOBE he could yes, however I know a lot of people think when you google something it’s complete worst case scenario and it’s sometimes better coming from a doctor. The appointment is in less than 2 weeks but anything can change even in that time

How could there be catastrophic consequences if he goes? If OP has a bleed that requires a hospital visit then how does the presence of the man affect it? How does him going to football affect the risk in any way?

Catastrophic consequences to OP's mental health if she has a bleed requiring hospitalisation or a risk to her / baby's life, all without her partner by her side to support and advocate for her. At an incredibly frightening and dangerous time. As someone who recently gave birth, i can tell you that for many women that would be incredibly traumatic even with a partner there, let alone without them.

Google the condition, then come back and tell us you (hopefully) do now understand why so many of us think his decision is incredibly selfish. I can only imagine you haven't done so and are therefore minimising the risks unknowingly and in the process accusing people of being OTT about it.

Many women with previa cant be safely alone, its one of the reasons that a large number of them are admitted to hospital as a precaution. The other reason is to enforce /encourage restricted activity as its so hard to be on bed rest at home when you can just see the washing that you could fold (but then you pick up the basket of clothes) etc etc
The reason that being alone at night is more dangerous is that when you are asleep you are less likely to be aware that a bleed has started and might just get to the point where you have lost enough blood to be unable to rouse yourself and call for help without waking up. My friend with previa was made to promise that she would always have another adult sleeping in her bed with her when she was asleep, or they would hospitalise her. She is lucky to be alive, although it will take her a long time to reconcile herself to not being able to have a sibling for her LO due to the hysterectomy she had to have to save her life.

Previa is like a sword of Damocles, if you are lucky, it wont descend. If it does, the consequences can be devastating

Let him go...

and you get family or friend/s to stay with you
or you go and stay at family or friend/s

and find an alternative birth partner

you don't need him there, you want him there, he wants to be at football

for him his wants are more important than your wants or needs...

it does appear he is showing who he really is, good - now you know.

if he misses the birth
if something goes wrong

he has the rest of his life to live with it...
and I am sure his memories of the football match/s will be of great comfort to him

and I think you will be letting him go, permanently.

I am shocked how selfish he is and do remember your thread.
He should never ever have booked it for the weeks around when you are due.
Now you have other complications and must be feeling fragile not knowing what will happen or when baby will be born that he must have some empathy and want to stay to support you. Can he not go just for the match day and another day and come home so that is a compromise if that would work. If not, he is showing you how unsupportive he is going to be for the rest of your life as so selfish and I would tell him to fuck right off to be honest if he does go for a week. Shocking how some people are. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted how things go. Are his family not shocked at his behavior.

I just read up on this condition and he should not be going for a week or leaving you at all. Please rest up and look after yourself and the baby and tell him if he goes to not come back.

Flipping heck OP. When my sister was going through the same thing her OH got himself cleared at work to ensure he was only at the local dept down the road from home, and anything he didn't need to be doing on site, he worked from home or they moved his schedule around so he could focus on my sister. On the one day he had to be out of town for a few hours for something that could not be moved, one of the family went to be with her.

All of the above was done without any discussion with BIL because he automatically knew what his priorities were.

The fact your H hadn't cleared everything except essential life stuff for this period before your newest update is bad enough, but now? You shouldn't have to tell him or ask him let alone have to spell it out.

He needs to pull his head out of his arse. I'd struggle to get past this, I really would.

Wouldn't any caring person take it on themselves to find out what the condition meant and how it can be life threatening why should he be told? Why doesn't he care enough?
Giving birth is scary enough without this many of us have complications on the day and obviously dates are not exact.....why do many have the mentality that it's nothing to give birth..and anything is more important than that?

btw does daddy to be realise babies can and do come early ?!!!