DP going abroad for football trip when I’m 34 weeks pregnant

[Beachyblue]

I posted in AIBU back in November regarding DP going to Germany to watch Scotland in the euros when I’ll be 35 weeks pregnant.

At the time, I felt pretty chilled out about it as the likelihood of baby coming early was slim. That was also the general consensus on the thread (https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4948557-would-you-be-ok-with-dp-going-on-football-trip-when-34-weeks-pregnant?page=1)

Since then, my NHS due date puts me at 35 weeks when he will be away and it’s been discovered that I have placenta previa and am therefore high risk. I’ve recently had a hospital stay due to a bleed and the consultant pretty much said it’s only a matter of time before I may bleed again and need another hospital stay. They said depending on how many bleeds I go on to have, I may need to stay in hospital until baby comes and baby may need to come much earlier.

They also said that my C Section will be at 37 weeks provided I don’t have a large bleed requiring a section before then. DP returns when I’m 36 weeks (he’s away for a week) and now I’m just a bit worried.

My main concerns are that I’ll have a big bleed and he won’t be there to take me to hospital, I’ll be admitted to hospital and he won’t be here to visit me and obviously that he could miss the birth of his baby and me having to go through the c section alone.

He seems completely unphased by this and assures me that he will get the first flight home should anything happen… just looking for some advice please!

Complicated!

Without the bleeding I'd say 34/35 weeks is still so early (some women are pregnant a full two months longer than that), so the likelihood of the baby arriving that weekend are very slim.

Given he won't be doing much in the way of socialising post birth, I'd let him go but on the following agreements:

• If you are bleeding / have any medical incidents / are hospitalised in the days running up to it, he can't go.
• Knowing what the alternative return travel plans look like
• Guaranteeing he will be contactable at all times (maybe having a friends number just in case)

Once the baby is here you really won't want him gallivanting off with his mates for the weekend (and he won't be for some time), so better to 'let' him do that while the baby still isn't here IMO.

I'd ignore the comments suggesting he's a terrible person etc. I'm sure he's not - the reality is men aren't pregnant themselves so have a different lens on it, and he just wants to go on his fun trip with his mates.

Have you got a relative / friend who can be on call locally for you that weekend?

Hi OP,

I had placenta praevia with my first and my DH also tried to go to the football, although only about an hour away. The midwife told him very graphically what would happen and that they would not wait for him. Can you mention it at your next appointment if he's with you? He might listen to a doctor over you (annoyingly!)

I didn't have bleeds and my placenta was thought to be out the way enough to not need a c section. 35 weeks huge bleed, ambulance, baby born via very fast c section and I had lots of blood transfusions.
Quite a lengthy stay after the birth as we were both poorly

If he does go have you got anyone that can support you in hospital? Flying back won't cut it as baby will be born before he's at the airport at this stage if the bleed is big.

Now, I drove myself to hospital twice with placenta previa bleeds so that bit wouldn’t bother me, but if you were on precautionary bedrest in hospital then he needs to be nearby, because things can change in an instant. I was admitted with the aim of getting to 37 weeks after having once weekly minor bleeds, then one day after the last bleed I had a massive one at 34 weeks and baby was out a few hours later. As my consultant said the placenta gives warning signals with worsening bleeds and it is foolish to ignore them. Does he realise how serious placenta previa is for both you and the baby? Maybe he doesn’t understand? And if he understands and still goes that would genuinely be a dealbreaker for me. My husband went away for two nights with my blessing four days before our dd was suddenly born, by pure luck the bleed that had me admitted happened literally two hours after he got home. In hindsight being at home alone with two kids and placenta previa was a stupid idea but I suppose even I didn’t realise how fast a bad bleed can happen out of nowhere, and I was being optimistic and naive.

I don’t think it’s an overreaction.

Speaking from experience, you can lose a lot of blood very quickly with a praevia. It can be life threatening before, during and after a birth. If the OP is alone when it happens, she’s either faced with waiting for an ambulance alone, or worse, driving herself to hospital.

If he doesn’t understand that, or worse, doesn’t really care and would rather get pissed abroad with his mates, I don’t think I could come back from that either.

definitely not OK. Assuming you're not married, do not compromise yourself financially once baby is here. his behaviour does not bode well.

I think your pregnancy being high-risk and likely to involve (I mean, obviously I hope not!) further bleeds and an early CS changes things totally. Normally, I would be fine with this -- I commuted internationally weekly via a shorthaul flight until I was 36 weeks and couldn't fly any more, but my pregnancy, despite being 40, was straightforward. Yours isn't.

That sounds like the best solution. Don't think you need mumsnet after all.

You shouldn’t have to be persuading him to cancel, he should want to himself.

He’s an inconsiderate asshole.

I agree with this op. Feel angry on your behalf too that you are having to convince his to stay. It raises red flags for me as he hasn’t yet grasped the faintest concept of what it means to be a father and this level of irresponsibility tends to indicate that he never will.

I’m gobsmacked that he’s going for a week and not just a night and I’m confused as to how he will enjoy himself while he is there knowing that you and the baby could be in danger?

Do you have family and friends around you op? I wouldn’t explain or plead any more at this point. He is literally telling you that his enjoyment of football is more important to him than your health and that of your baby. Either that or he is gambolling the odds that all will be well. Either is crap and irresponsible but there it is.

I think in your shoes op I’d find this hard to forgive and I’d just quietly move out to be with people who do care.

So, it could be argued, is Scotland winning the Euros.

Sorry, are you really equating a sporting event, with the birth of a child? He has an actual personal connection to the baby. He doesn’t even know any of these people playing on a personal level. Absolutely not equivalent

To be honest we haven’t had much conversation regarding this. Until I was hospitalised at the weekend, I hadn’t really given it much thought and was happy for him to go away and was looking forward to taking a week off work and relaxing on my own before baby came. I think I was a bit naive about the realities of placenta previa.

The trip was booked for a week from the get go (to attend two matches and travel time between them) and had been being planned since before I was pregnant. It was only following my 20 week scan I thought it could be up in the air and only now that I realised it would be pretty stupid for him to go.

I think previous posters have maybe hit the nail on the head that he doesn’t fully understand placenta previa and the risks that come with it. I have a consultants appointment in two weeks time and will ask the consultant to explain the risks to him

I think he needs to grow up. His priorities are off.

I just typed out a long post, and deleted it as I am so angry with him for even thinking of it.

He needs to look up the maternal and fetal mortality and morbidity statistics for placenta previa.

He should be doing everything in his power to keep you calm, happy and off your feet so that you dont have another bleed which would put you and the baby at grave risk.

My friend had this and had a major bleed, the only reason they are both alive is that the ambulance got her to the hospital within 15 mins (we live in the US). Both my friend and the baby are ok but had major complications post birth and it has been a long haul for both of them. She also had to have an emergency hysterectomy so cant have any more children.

This really isnt something you mess with. Please wrap yourself up in cotton wool, stop lifting anything heavier than a kettle, sit and rest as much as possible and generally avoid stress.

I would make it very clear to him that if he misses the birth I can’t promise to ever forgive him, and I will call the baby my maiden name, and change my name back if I had changed it. I’d say I’ve grown this baby and if you can’t be there to help me through the hard part then you don’t deserve the name. (I haven’t changed my name so if a sporting hobby meant dh missed the birth hell would freeze over before that baby got his last name and not mine)

there are indeed many things that may only happen once in a lifetime, including very minor ones. Your wife having your baby needs to be top of the list. Your football team don’t care that much if you exist. Your wife on the other hand will never ever forget. You made vows to your wife and by not being there you’re breaking them in my mind.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and think perhaps he doesn't understand the enormity of this. Def get your consultant or midwife to explain it. Not that you should need to, he could google! But some people need a proper explanation.

He'll also come home pissed off as Scotland are hugely unlikely to get very far against Germany.

Just like that Russ Cook the "Hardest Geezer" who ran the full length of Africa when his wife was pregnant and giving birth and finished when his kid was 2 months old. I don't think the timing was coincidental.
What a great way of getting out of the birth and early baby days.
I'd have divorced him before he got back.
Your husband strikes me as the same kind of selfish.

There are factors you both need to consider here.

IF where he's going in Germany is a couple of hours from a decent airport, with just a few flights a day, and he'd be landing far away from you, absolutely not.

IF he's 20m away from an airport with flights every hour and you are 15m drive from Heathrow, then I'd say its a maybe.

Those factors could assist whether he could be at your side in 3 hours or 12...

Could you have a chat with your midwife on likely timelines if you have another bleed. I don't know enough about Previa to know whether it's a 'blue light to hospital and immediate crash section' situation, or a be admitted and have section on same day or next.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here but I can understand why you feel uncomfortable.

OP I rarely comment on threads but I had to on this one. You’re a high risk pregnancy and his going away for a week would increase your risks (potentially having to get yourself to hospital or wait for an ambulance). He mustn’t go, the risks are too great. Have you thought of showing him this thread and the responses? I can only think he doesn’t understand the risks associated with placenta previa and why it’s important he is with you in the later weeks of your pregnancy.

all the best, I’m sure it will be fine but there needs to be contingency if something does go awry! 💐

Ah I understand op; that puts a different perspective on it. Apologies if I came over a bit strong in that case. These things can creep up on you as the seriousness increases over time.

I hope he is listening to you now though op or will take on board what the medical professionals say. Good luck with your pregnancy and hope everything goes smoothly 💐

It could be argued but only by an idiot: the birth of his baby is “once in a lifetime “ for three people while thousands of people will see the sporting event. The sporting event will be filmed and he is only a spectator

The burth of his child is the most important team event that he will ever participate in. He needs to be there—he should be proud to be there—to support his wife and new baby.

This British attitude towards football just shocks me with its misogynistic contempt for female labour and the life of the baby.

This.

He sounds like an arsehole OP.

My partner wouldn't have wanted to be away at that stage because the thought of not being there in the case of a bleed / early labour etc would be far worse than the thought of missing a football trip.

He's prioritising football over your mental wellbeing at the most vulnerable time of your life - late pregnancy with risk factors.

What a dick.

Do you have anyone who could come and stay with you (or you with them)? If it had been me in this situation I would have had my mum to stay , you can't be alone for sure in case you start bleeding badly.
Saying that I don't think my DH would have gone with the circumstances being what they are, can't he sell his tickets? Yes he'll be gutted but is it worth more than being there for you and the baby?

But he could miss out on a proper once in a life event....the birth of your child. Even catching the first flight is too late baby will arrive before he gets to the check in desk.
Have you explained your fears? Has he talked to the midwife or doctor about what delivery would be like and the speed/risks etc?

This is why I voted no last time.