Older women: how do you come to terms with losing your looks?

[TERFCat]

Yes, I know I'm vain! To be clear, I am not judging anyone's appearance but my own! I don't want to look old; other women can look however they wish.

Anyway, I've completely lost my looks over the past few years and it's getting me down. I can't afford Botox etc so that isn't an option.

Older ladies, how did you accept growing old gracefully?!?

I've got better looking as I've gotten older. Love my crow's feet and my confidence! I look great and don't feel I've lost anything.

Cosmetic surgery, Botox and fillers. Love 'em.

SJP

I am 52 and look great (but still obviously in my 50’s and was never even close to a ten!).

I do the basics: no smoking/no alcohol/ lots of fruit + vegetables/sunscreen
I have a decent haircut and have stopped dying my hair.
I am not over weight and wear clothes which fit me.
My eyebrows are done professionally but are natural.
I choose not to have fillers or Botox or the like
When I wear makeup I do it properly.

Having extricated myself from an awful relationship I look noticeably better than when I was married (not that that says much!)

How do I come to terms with it - well, the alternative is worse, basically, lol. Seriously though, I look after myself - skincare, make-up, hair care, decent wardrobe etc - then get on and enjoy my day! Feeling sad I don’t look 25 any more is crazy.

Us old hags tend to realise that there is way more to life than being shallow and are glad we have relationships based on who were are and not what we look like.

I never had good looks to lose so maybe if I had ever been pretty I'd feel differently but as it is, I don't care. Grey hair and wrinkles are unimportant.

Absolutely- no good comes of obsessing about flaws and working with what you have (making the best of it) is my approach too.

Sometimes women declare they don’t give a hoot about what they look like anymore - they don’t want to make an effort and they don’t care what anyone thinks as if it’s a badge of honour.

While some may find that liberating, I enjoy clothes, make up, high lighting my hair- it doesn’t define me but it makes me feel good about myself .

And don't look in the mirror til after 11.00

🤣 Yep I think it’s best to tell yourself that the person in the mirror when you stumble into the bathroom first thing in the morning is DEFINITELY NOT YOU

This is what's bothering me most atm.

I think it's fine to be sad about your looks changing. It doesn't make you vain or self obsessed. I have no intention of getting any Botox etc but I really dislike how my face of getting flabbier / jowls are more obvious. Because I looked better before.

I saw Olivia Colman chatting to Cillian Murphy recently. She asked if he'd had Botox, which he hadn't. She said "I have, loads of it!" Refreshingly honest!

I buy more expensive makeup these days and wear it more often than I used to. I makes me feel good. And that's ok.

I'm allowing myself to go grey rather than covering it up, but I'm spending more on hair treatments/ salon visits because it needs to look good as well as naturally changing colour.

I'm at an age where friends the same age have a real range of how they are ageing. Some still look very youthful and some much older. I'm somewhere in the middle.

The thing is it comes to everyone. The day we realise we're not youthful looking . The hot twenty somethings we see out and about will go through the same thing . Youth is fleeting . The best years are between 20 and 25 . It was around 25 I noticed the first lines and the odd grey hair . By 30 I could see a big difference . By my mid thirties my waistline thickened and my boobs and bum had sagged . By 40 I no longer cared .

’Muck’ ?? How odd. You sound really judgey. Another sucker of joy. Why can’t you do you without rubbishing others?

#@DrJoanAllenby
L.o.l 🤣

"Bloody cheek not all of us have losed our looks"

Lucky you then...

Personally myself in Western world 🌎 far too much emphasis on superficial things etc
and unhealthy obsession worshipping at alter of cult of youth Hood,
even some women paying lots of money and ending up unfortunately disfiguring their faces or and bodies,🥸
every age brings something with it that has meaning in different ways
Just our society is skewed messed up thinking 🤔 in this regards,

@SmileyClare Very true, many can be judgy about those of us who do like to make the best of ourselves. Probably because they feel defensive that they are being judged for not!
I honestly don't give a damn how people look.
I just wish women weren't so hard on themselves with aging. Such a waste of time and energy. I hate hearing that women avoid photos that their kids would love when that's all that's left. But it's society that's done it. Hollywood, celebrities, men. But we are amazing, the most amazing we have been with every year that passes! Older women are kickass warriors in my eyes. I feel I have so much more to give the world as I get older, I feel more me than ever. I wouldn't be 20 again for anything.

Were cillian M and Olivia C in a film together?

If not they should be

I look back to when I was in my 20s and I couldn't leave the house without being subjected to unwanted attention from men (and I considered myself fairly average looking). To be able to walk down the street almost invisible to men is incredibly liberating and more than compensates for any loss of looks.

I'm surprised to hear Olivia Colman has botox, seen her in a few things recently and looks like she's aging naturally.

Also the invisibility thing.. I never get this. My mum is in late 70s and still gets men chatting her up, 10+ below and above her age. I guess men have reduced testosterone in their older age so aren't pervs so it gets less, but there are still older men who want partners. I know of loads of pensioners who got together after their spouses died. My grandad persued an 85 year old woman when he was 84! She is also more well known and a part of the community than she's ever been, she's very visible. I notice older people talking to people more than anyone.
If invisibility just means not getting the perverts chasing you, followed by weirdos, then surely that's welcome.

Proves what I've just said.. why would anyone want to feel like a piece of meat?

Oh yes! I look back at any picture from previous years, and I looked far better than I thought I did. I always felt bad about me - for no good reason. Just typical female self-flagellation.

At 47, I am learning to give myself credit and enjoy my body and looks.... while I'm much less youthful and have objectively a much less good body (I'm significantly overweight and not healthy), I have style, confidence, and meet the world with a sexy generosity, that I think makes me more attractive than I ever was....

I do somewhat regret not finding that confidence earlier, when I had the young, shapely body to go with it.... but I think that's sadly very common for women.

Wanting to look good doesn’t automatically mean wanting to look sexually attractive does it?

Sometimes noticing you’re looking older is a reminder of your own mortality- that you’re one of the “older generation” and that your body is getting older not just on the outside but the inside too..and your life isn’t stretching out in front of you with hundreds of exciting new opportunities.

Most people aren’t simply thinking-Damn I wish people were eyeing me up and wanting to have sex with me.

I like to make an effort to look well out together, healthy, slim, trendy whatever.
If you don’t care about how you look, it doesn’t make you a superior person particularly, or put you on a higher level of thought processes.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look sexually attractive to the person you want to sleep with.

Because alongside grey hair, lines and saggy bits, I’ve gained insight, wisdom and perspective. I wouldn’t want to pretend not to have that experience, I wouldn’t take it as a compliment if someone thought I was mentally and emotionally on a level with a 25 year old. So it’s kind of illogical to view physical characteristics differently, and try and pretend to be something you’ve moved on from. It’s a particularly misogynistic position- fuelled by the desire to make money out of us- to see being an older woman as a negative. I don’t want to play along with that.

Also, trying to fight ageing is always going to be ultimately futile, and the more you invest in it, in both senses of the word, the more painful it will be to admit defeat in the end. It’s not mentally healthy to invest in clinging to something that you are guaranteed not to succeed at in the end. Better to find something that could actually make you feel happy and fulfilled.

Caveat, none of the above is incompatible with being fit, healthy and mobile and doing what you can to look good. You just need to let go of the assumption that looking good and looking young are the same thing.

@SmileyClare You're quoting me again when I've already said I like making an effort.
I would hope two people who love each other will always find each other attractive despite aging.
It comes across on here when people talk about invisibility, they're talking about sexual attention from randomers.

Whoops sorry I didn’t realise I’d quoted you twice. I’m sitting in the sun squinting at my phone, rather than singling you out intentionally!

You make some good points 👍