Older women: how do you come to terms with losing your looks?

[TERFCat]

Yes, I know I'm vain! To be clear, I am not judging anyone's appearance but my own! I don't want to look old; other women can look however they wish.

Anyway, I've completely lost my looks over the past few years and it's getting me down. I can't afford Botox etc so that isn't an option.

Older ladies, how did you accept growing old gracefully?!?

It's how people feel and on this forum we're allowed to express our feelings to others. There's always someone to come along and point out the obvious which we're all aware of. Feelings are allowed without judgement.

Sort your shit out OP. Youth goes, and you cannot get it back. But do not devalue what lies ahead, because there is so much to enjoy. I love the knowledge and calmness I now have. I love I am fit and healthy. I do not look like my 20 year old shelf, but I prefer my 40 something self. I prefer who I am.

It's how people feel and on this forum we're allowed to express our feelings to others. There's always someone to come along and point out the obvious which we're all aware of. Feelings are allowed without judgement

Yeah, I dont understand responses like that either. By this rationale, every single worry any of us has can be vanquished with "at least you're not DEAD yet" cant it. Is that actually helping anyone though? would you tell a friend worrying about her career, kids, parents or partner "you're not dead so shut up"?

We all have worries, big and small, it's what makes us human. Talking about those worries and seeking other opinions on how people deal with them can help us gain perspective. Its actually a very healthy thing to do and shutting it down immediately with "at least you arent dead" is really insidious and unhelpful.

And that works both ways. Posters - including myself - feel very grateful to still be alive, fit and healthy. Learning to embrace the positives is so important - we can’t do anything to halt the passing of the years, so celebrate them and challenge the idea that you lose your looks as you get older. The pressure placed on women in particular to look a certain way is immense and it’s BS.

There are plenty of threads on Style and Beauty about the ‘wonders’ of Botox and fillers by people who feel they look better/younger with them - maybe the OP would have been better posting on that Board.

I try to focus on keeping healthy. Thats very important to me as I get older.
Also I quite like becoming invisible to men. I have never really enjoyed their attention tbh.

Personally I've learned to value my whole self more. I take pleasure in what my body can do. I don't take that for granted any more. I've also learned to give less of a fuck.

Keep my BMI down, try and drink water, wear minimal makeup, I did have my eyebrows done, but a natural looking feather brow, these have really helped. I do lots of walking, yoga and lift some weights. Had recent issue with my foot which has really scared me, so I really look after my feet and do exercises for these. I will be 58 this year, I’ve outlived my DM by 6 years, am the age when my late brother passed and I hope to outlive my DF(72). I need to through 60/62 without any major health issues which happened to DSIS, which has left her walking with a stick. And I want to see my DC settled and have a bit of retirement enjoying myself not working. I’ve got quite a lot of wants there, what I look like isn’t a big priority.

Losing your eyesight (close-up vision) at the same time definitely helps!

No not every worry can be solved with the dead line. Just this one.
Eg If I lived a life with awful pain as I got older, I wouldn't say "oh it's fine, better than being dead!" or if I lived in awful poverty etc.
But wrinkles and grey hair happen to us all, it isn't physically painful or stressful.

Maybe you haven't lost anyone who was young. It changes our perspective. It then feels daft worrying about wrinkles when loved ones are lying in the ground not being able to enjoy life.

And calling it insidious is shitty. Many people have said the same thing on this thread. It's actually offering a helpful way of thinking about it, reframing it.

People don't 'lose their looks', they just change as they age.
I'm heterosexual but have seen beautiful women of all ages.

Death changed my view. The very day my relative was given 6 months - out of the blue - I started the one thing I always wanted to do, and am still doing it 2 years later.

Exercise. Fit healthy people of any age look attractive even with the grey hair and wrinkles.

Botox looks shit.

Maybe you haven't lost anyone who was young. It changes our perspective. It then feels daft worrying about wrinkles when loved ones are lying in the ground not being able to enjoy life

I lost both my parents young actually. My mum never got to meet her grandchildren or to see me get married. That doesn't mean I get to minimise other people's concerns or worries forever after. Telling people to be grateful they arent dead isnt offering a helpful perspective. A more helpful perspective would be to list all the positive ways you have dealt with it and how to re-frame your mindset rather than immediately shutting it down. It comes across as patronising and pious.

What we've said is a positive way of dealing with it, those of us who think like that don't worry about it anymore and are free of it! So definitely positive advice.
And now you're trying to shut me down 🤣
We'll just have to agree to disagree.

I’ve found my eyesight worsening as I age so when I look in the mirror, it’s still quite a flattering slightly out of focus image staring back at me. 😂

My other tip is to let the mirrors in your house get a bit dusty for a nice soft focus reflection- ignorance is bliss- confidence is everything!

Staying thin and fit also makes me feel confident in myself.

I understand, it’s something that I struggle with too. And then I remind myself of my lovely friend who died when she was 18 - and how sad it is that she never had the privilege to grow old. If only I could have here here today with laughter lines and a few grey hairs. And that thought reminds me how lucky I am to be alive, wrinkles and all.

@LuciferRising Exactly, it changes so much doesn't it. I wish with everything we didn't have to lose people.. but it's one of the best motivators to do what we want to do and not sweat the small stuff.

I actually think that I’m becoming more attractive with age. I’m in my 40s, have lost weight recently, know what clothes suit me more than I ever did before and I have a confidence that I didn’t have when I was younger. I eat well and look after myself.

But then, I was never considered a great beauty in my youth - maybe that’s the difference?

I never realised I was vain/shallow until my face started collapsing.

So now I just avoid looking in mirrors- especially with my reading glasses on.

I find it helps to find a few older women as role models- I look at how they put together an outfit, do their hair and carry themselves.

Some women couldn’t care less about their appearance, I enjoy clothes, make up and styling my hair.

You don’t have to “give up” trying to look good and write yourself off.

I think you do lose your looks (or what our society values as looks in women) as we age. It is what it is. The only real alternative is dying young and I don't fancy that one much.

Same, but I do dye my black and white eyebrows!

You know, it’s definitely true that I didn’t realise what a stultifying distraction the male gaze is. I definitely have always enjoyed male attention (it’s fun), however I find as I get older that I am less bothered about it and it frees you up to focus on SO many other more interesting things.

dont look at old pics - excericse, stay positive, wear what you want and try to stay happy - as we all grow old gradually, we well all, ie all humans will feel like that at some stage and some more often than others

Just look at some of those in Hollowood, plastic surgery, mush lifts outcomes - natural looks are often much better - dress elegantly if you can, light makeup, try to act your age, lol, and all will be good

btw, young at heart is young in the mind and outlook - it is what it is and try to stay as active as possible and watch the drinks and cakes if you can