Ethnicity questions from in-laws!!

[Funinthesun20]

My in-laws don’t seem to understand my ethnicity and mostly “where my curly hair comes from?” And that of the kids curly hair and the fact that they tan easily!!

Background: So, I identify (mostly because I look) as a white woman with thick light brown curly hair. My kids (3) one is curly dark haired, two are blonde/light brown looser curls.

My grandad was a black man (Jamaican) , married an Irish white woman, and my dad and aunts and they are light skin but mixed race. My dad married a white woman and had 3 children. We are all light/white skinned but all with brown curly hair.

You could say that we (My dad, me and my siblings are “racially ambiguous looking” as in we are white with something going on!! 😛

My in laws met my grandad a couple of time when he was alive. But after 10 years it still baffles them that he is my grandfather!!
They are by no means racist, more ignorant I guess.

To be honest, since I have been wearing my hair curly (to help the kids love their curls, I needed to love mine and show them that their hair is beautiful) it’s become a thing to comment on, as I guess I do look more ethnic.
Asking “is it natural” “where does that come from?” “How do you get it so curly”

When my brother came home from travelling he had let his hair grow to a full hair of beautiful brown sun kissed curls and he was so unbelievably tanned! And they couldn’t get their heads around it when they saw pictures of him. Again, not in a racist way more in a completely oblivious way as to why he is able to tan so well!

I was blunt with them on Easter Sunday, after they commented on my hair and the kids hair as to where my hair comes from. I just kind of shouted out, well my grandad was black wasn’t he!!
My husband is completely on my side and said i wasn't rude, but firm.
He also doesn’t seem to get why they are so fascinated and perplexed as to how genetics work, and how my grandfather can be black but I am white!
He has spoken them about it and reiterated that my her grandfather was black.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post! It’s weird for me as I am in all sense a white woman. So I don’t think they can or are being racist to me as I am white like them? (I hope that makes sense?)

Are you seriously saying your husband wouldn’t get pissy if the same people constantly questioned him over the same thing?

Especially if it’s in a disparaging manner.

Isn’t that a bit rude?

Beat me to it.
You're not white. You're mixed race.
If you love saying your grandad is black why don't you acknowledge this?

@allthevitamins interesting point and thank you for being brave enough to ask it. I will respond in the spirit of enquiry that I think it was intended in.

I am mixed race. I come from the NE UK. I have lived in the South of the UK for a very long time. When people ask me where I am from, it is never about my accent and they never really want the answer of XXX near Newcastle. For many they will keep pushing until I either fire off a response or ignore them. But the question is always posed as a way to question the colour of my skin and why I look different. It also invariably only ever happens in predominantly white areas and often is accompanied by either a dumbing down of conversation (a poc can't possibly have anything interesting to discuss) or being blatantly ignored.

If, however, people ask me what my cultural heritage is - or more specifically where the regional accent is from - I am happy to answer. At least both questions are honest and up front and can often lead to a really interesting set of discussions.

I would love to say we live in a utopia where all questions are equal. But sadly we don't. And people from minority groups (whatever the colour of the skin or minority status eg disability) get very good at assessing which are the genuinely curious questions and which have an undertone.

This is what annoys me about America and the 1 drop 'rule'.
People feeling confused and as though they need to meet some arbitrary standard of a race to identify with it.
Going through struggle isn't what makes you mixed race; having a half black parent is, it's really as simple as that. 😊

There is way more to being black then experiencing racism and discrimination. WAY more.

You’re white passing but you are a quarter black. You can refer to yourself as a quarter black, mixed race or you can simply keep on saying, ‘my grandad is black.’ Truth is, you have black in you and it doesn’t quite seem like you’ve embraced that. If you consider yourself to be a white woman then you can’t really be surprised that you’re being asked questions when your non white features start to show.

It’s really important to understand who you are especially as you have children

As race is made up, if OP says she's white, then she is.
If you actually look at skin colour, then 'white' people can be pink, red, yellow, brown, purple, blue etc.

You explained this perfectly 👏🏻 😊.

There is one race. The human race. I am aware of that.

OP can identify however she wishes. But she is denying a part of her heritage- and it is always the "black side". I am voicing my frustration as this is very common in mixed heritage or ethnic families- particularly if the primary caregiver (usually the mother) is white. Black people, whether others would care to admit it or not, have negative associations- if it's not do with their looks, it's to do with representation, history and so on. White caregivers who are in interracial relationships and have mixed children, often do not aim to bring awareness or teach their children about their multicultural heritage. I was one of the lucky ones. My mother, who is white and brought up myself and my siblings single handled, made sure to teach us about where are from (mostly from my dad's side). She only brought us black Dollies growing up (as she wanted us to have toys that represented us), we went to Ivory Coast every couple of years, she made the typical culture dishes from Ivory Coast, as well as embracing and teaching us about Sweden (but more the latter). Due to her, I am proud of my multi heritage's and pass this onto my children.

A few posters have mentioned that it is ok that OP is not recognising her heritage and not everyone has to. But I find that it is mainly white people who voice these views. FYI it is very important for a child to know of their heritage and culture background. That's how culture and languages cease into existence.

The OP claiming that she is white, is akin to saying that she is rejecting her part heritage from a direct relative (her father) which is sad.

The OP claiming that she is white, is akin to saying that she is rejecting her part heritage from a direct relative (her father) which is sad.

No it's not. You'd never tell a black woman with type 4 hair that's shes denying her heritage if she called herself black.

As someone with a 1/4 black child and two 1/4 white children, none look mixed, they all look like one race - nothing like me as an actually mixed race woman. They are seen as one race. People can describe themselves however they feel comfortable, whether that be mixed or white/black respectively.

It's not the responsibility of op or anyone else to single-handedly end racism or whatever, and it has nothing to do with how they feel about their family members/heritage.

Once maybe, if they didn't know her grandad was black, over and over again is racist. OP, I agree you should say ' I'm mixed race' every time they comment.

@Spindly

As a mixed race woman, do you teach your children or bring awareness to your multicultural heritages? Your response to my post suggests not. But I'm not surprised as this is very common. Teaching your children about their cultural identity is very important. If you cannot see that, then that is sad.

You know there's this thing called colorism happening in the Black and Hispanic communities too. I'm a 70s kid and I remember a time where it was normal for grandparents and parents to guess a baby's skin color based on their ears, hoping and praying they'd be lighter. Funnily enough now it seems like the tables have turned a bit. Lighter-skinned biracial people are sometimes seen as "not really Black" or "too white." As a mixed girl, I've heard my fair share of criticism like, "You think you're so great because your hair is curly." (What they mean is having looser curl pattern).There's also extra judgment if your mom is white instead of your dad being white since historically Black women have been rejected by Black partners who prefer white women. IG the way you might understand it if you're a white person is the stereotype about white women with Black men is similar to the one about East Asian women with white men. So if you're a kid of that mix you can get a little extra scrutiny. My kids have a dark skinned Black dad and part of my choice was about them being able to identify as Black and avoid being racially ambiguous, which can be tough when you're "not white enough" for white people or "not Black enough" for Black people. It's all so tiresome.

OP I think you need to be straight with your inlaws and ask them to please stop. You have every right to do this. Also, get DH to speak up on your behalf!

The issue is the constant questioning about how they look though. If someone constantly says ' why is your hair so curly?' ' How come you tan so easily?' Etc and the answer is ' I have a Black great grandparent' then the great grandparent becomes more relevant. If they keep on asking, despite knowing the answer to the question, it becomes offensive, because it sounds like they are hoping for a different answer to the one they have been given. My children are mixed race. The only people who ask them 'where they are from' are the Indian kids at their school. Many are first generation Immigrants as we are in a University city. It's funny because they keep badgering them to ' embrace their heritage' and getting them to learn Malayalam!' ( it's not our native language!)

I think thatvdepends on why. OP said she is proud of her grandparents and they had a mixed race marriage, so presumably fell in love. I would hazard a guess that the Jamaican and African American European DNA came in a large part through the rape of slaves by slave owners. Not a great thing to identify yourself with.

You've extrapolated that because I haven't told them they must identify as mice don race, despite not looking mixed race? What does that have to do with what I said?

Not embracing your heritage isn't rejecting it though. My adult kids don't embrace or reject their non-white heritage. Apart from some meals I can't think they do anything to acknowledge that they have a non-white grandparent tbh. The grandparent was not a nice person so that might influence things.

Interesting that previous posters think the mother should be responsible for teaching the kids about their heritage even if they are the 'white' parent. If my husband isn't fussed about it then I'm not either. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It's interesting but it's not relevant to their lives.

You are white. You don't understand or see the importance. It shouldn't fall on the mother, but it is often the mother who is the primary caregiver. It should be both parents and it is both your responsibility to teach your children on their heritages. Why marry / have a partner who is of a different nationality to you and not bother to teach your children on their heritages- it is usually their ethnic side (fit want of a better word) that is ignored.

Yep. Being African American (and descended from slavery) is really something that messes with your mind. Most of us have a mix of West African and European blood in us, which is already a bit heavy due to the fact that a lot of that European part came from brutal acts. And then, it hits you - some of your own ancestral bloodline was responsible for hurting and enslaving other parts of your ancestral bloodline. That's just... wow, it's really tough to process.

@Spindly

Not acknowledging your heritage is akin to rejecting it. Saying that you are white but have a father who is part black/Jamaican heritage is a bit .

Yes, if I'm not going to explode the thread by bringing up the dreaded Meghan Markle, I have seen it said that she is pretending to be Black because her mother has some White ancestry- it always makes me cringe that people are so blinded by their hatred of someone who has nothing to do with them that they forget slavery existed!

@secular37
You are white. You don't understand or see the importance. It shouldn't fall on the mother, but it is often the mother who is the primary caregiver. It should be both parents and it is both your responsibility to teach your children on their heritages. Why marry / have a partner who is of a different nationality to you and not bother to teach your children on their heritages- it is usually their ethnic side (fit want of a better word) that is ignored.

My kids are adults and have had very 'international' lives. As a white person who you have said 'doesn't understand' it would seem weird to think I'm responsible for teaching them anything!
My kids can decide what their 'cultural identity' is by themselves. If they wanted to. They won't though as it's not relevant to them and they don't care about it other than enjoying a few favourite dishes and having a passing interest in it. They are worldly kids and I like that side to them.

I mentioned it in another thread but might have had a different user name but I can trace my family back with a direct line to a slave owner and a freed black slave. It was a long time ago though!

No, it's a perfectly sensible answer if you present, phenotypically and culturally, as one race over another. I really don't see the problem.

Every 3/4 black person i know describes themself as black or light skin. They never say mixed.

I think an earlier poster hit the nail on the head with the point that there’s a difference between race and cultural heritage - which is why it’s offensive to ask a black british person ‘where are you REALLY FROM?’ but not nearly as offensive to ask something like ‘what’s your heritage?’ The former makes it clear the questioner is entirely focused on the person’s skin colour and what makes them ‘other’, while the latter acknowledges them as an individual with their own mixture of cultural influences.

As I mentioned upthread, my partner has Romany heritage (probably about 1/4, although personally I think blood quantum is meaningless bullshit). His great uncle was a well known bare knuckle fighter, he spent some of his early life living in a trailer - but he wouldn’t describe himself as Romany because that’s not how he sees himself culturally or socially. He’d say he has Romany heritage, but he’d predominantly see himself as a bog standard white english bloke. That’s not him rejecting that part of his heritage - he just feels that his life has been more shaped by other cultural influences.

Of course a) that’s just one person and b) the experience of being romany and the experience of being black have some overlaps but aren’t the same. But my point is that someone can be proud of and acknowledge parts of their cultural heritage while also feeling like a certain descriptor doesn’t apply to them or feel relatable.

Im mixed race and racially ambiguous, I can look more "white" in winter when my skin is paler and if I straighten my hair. When my skin is more tanned and my hair is curly I get more questions.

My sister on the other hand refers to herself as white. She inheritied my mums pale skin and straight, lighter hair. I don't see personally why she should have to refer to herself as anything other than white.

We dont have a cultural heritage that is anything other than white. And if our non white grandparent had wanted us to have a cultural heritage that was anything other than white then maybe they shouldnt have slept with a prostitute and left her in poverty and deprivation to die in a workhouse when she became pregnant.

My nephew also refers to himself as white. He also had curly hair but probably gets it from his dad who has irish ancestry.

Im not ever going to be impressed with people who tell any of us how we have to refer to ourselves. Race is a social construct anyway so demanding we call ourselves mixed race or white or not white or anything is just irritating. And tbh lots of people think its okay to police my use of mixed race if they dont think I look "mixed" enough so its not even like theres a common consensus on what each phrase means.

OP - my in laws also hate it when I have my hair curly and make comments about it. To the point where I realised I was automatically straightening my hair before seeing them without consciously realising why I was doing it. It seems to offend them that I am "corrupting" their family whiteness and that requires lots of comments. They are very daily mail reading though so its rare we agree on anything and I just see them as little as possible now.