Ethnicity questions from in-laws!!

[Funinthesun20]

My in-laws don’t seem to understand my ethnicity and mostly “where my curly hair comes from?” And that of the kids curly hair and the fact that they tan easily!!

Background: So, I identify (mostly because I look) as a white woman with thick light brown curly hair. My kids (3) one is curly dark haired, two are blonde/light brown looser curls.

My grandad was a black man (Jamaican) , married an Irish white woman, and my dad and aunts and they are light skin but mixed race. My dad married a white woman and had 3 children. We are all light/white skinned but all with brown curly hair.

You could say that we (My dad, me and my siblings are “racially ambiguous looking” as in we are white with something going on!! 😛

My in laws met my grandad a couple of time when he was alive. But after 10 years it still baffles them that he is my grandfather!!
They are by no means racist, more ignorant I guess.

To be honest, since I have been wearing my hair curly (to help the kids love their curls, I needed to love mine and show them that their hair is beautiful) it’s become a thing to comment on, as I guess I do look more ethnic.
Asking “is it natural” “where does that come from?” “How do you get it so curly”

When my brother came home from travelling he had let his hair grow to a full hair of beautiful brown sun kissed curls and he was so unbelievably tanned! And they couldn’t get their heads around it when they saw pictures of him. Again, not in a racist way more in a completely oblivious way as to why he is able to tan so well!

I was blunt with them on Easter Sunday, after they commented on my hair and the kids hair as to where my hair comes from. I just kind of shouted out, well my grandad was black wasn’t he!!
My husband is completely on my side and said i wasn't rude, but firm.
He also doesn’t seem to get why they are so fascinated and perplexed as to how genetics work, and how my grandfather can be black but I am white!
He has spoken them about it and reiterated that my her grandfather was black.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post! It’s weird for me as I am in all sense a white woman. So I don’t think they can or are being racist to me as I am white like them? (I hope that makes sense?)

Absolutely! I am either 1/16 or 1/32 North African (I forget which). But I am a pasty white woman who has never experienced racism, so it would be an absolute piss-take if I were to describe myself as mixed-race.

Fun fact- Ian Duncan Smith is 1/8 Japanese. I doubt he describes himself as mixed-race.

Why do you identify as a white woman? How does that help your children embrace their heritage?

Wow. I can’t believe this is still happening. It happened to Mum in the late 70s. She is dark-skinned due to Indian ancestry. I had blond hair and blue eyes as a small child. Constant questions from strangers. One woman threatened to call the police as she thought I’d been kidnapped! My colouring is from my Dad.

They know. They are just being awkward. Everyone knows that most children look similar in some way to their parents, grandparents, siblings etc whether it be hair type, colour, skin colour, size or shape of nose, eyes etc.
At some point they must’ve said “oh my son’s blonde/brown/black hair or short/long legs (etc) he gets those from me.”

Again, the judgement.

The children will be 1/8th Jamaican. It's not a big deal. They can be interested in it if they want, or just live their lives without giving it much thought.

I'm not sure why people whose ancestry involves another skin colour are obliged to actively proclaim and embrace it in a way that my 1/4 Polish children are not.

This, I’d call it out.

‘we’ve had this discussion so many times are you getting forgetful or do you have an issue with my ethnic/genetic background/hair?’

That's not funny

It's not remotely funny, and anyone who does this is almost certainly a shittier person than the person they're trying to shame.

Instead of trying to find power struggle or convoluted ways to make this right, can you not just wear your heart on your sleeve?

Next time it comes up say "look, I don't know whether you mean it like this, but I need to tell you that every time you comment on my curly hair and where I get it from, it feels like you're alluding to my ancestry in some way, as if it were a problem. It makes me feel depressed and uncomfortable. Maybe you didn't mean it like that but that's how it makes me feel."

The OP is 3/4 white so I don’t get why posters are insisting she isn’t white?? How much white do you have to be to be called white?
OP I’d have a stock answer ready and repeat and rinse - they have a black great grandad. End of.

I will hold my hands up and say that due to being focused on the blatant racism aspect of this, I have been insensitive towards people with memory issues - apologies.

I'm not sure how old your in-laws are but this "not getting it" type behaviour is common in older adults I work with long before the more obvious memory issues. I say stubbornness, not being able to accept facts, etc is classic.

This. Where the hell do people get off telling others how they should identify racially or ethnically? And I say this as a person of mixed heritage myself. OP get your husband to make it clear that the subject is not to be raised again. I grew up with years of this shit in my family and its ignorance and racism, plain and sinple.

I’d love to say I can’t believe my own eyes but I sadly can. If this was the other way round and OP was 1/4 white you’d better believe she’d be called black with no question from most people. I completely understand why she identify as white - she mostly is. Where do you draw the line anyway? It is sounding disturbingly lint the American one drop rule.

I am perplexed why curls are the thing that causes so much confusion!
I have loads of Jewish friends who are white with insanely curly hair, who attribute the curls to the Jewishness. Never once crossed my mind to interrogate further and in fact Never crossed my mind to ask in the first place as its just "curly hair". Some people have it, some don't
I feel for you OP. I just don't understand why it's so hard to process for some folks.

By the way I read an interesting article about people who are white British decent but tighter curly hair and the majority when they had blood tests had indications of African ancestry, often 5-6+ generations previously so whilst they appeared white, they still retained the curly hair gene. I find it fascinating myself. Absolutely not racism just curiosity as to how we get our features. My own dc have curly hair, their dad has curly hair and is of Irish descent, family tree only goes back to the 1860's ... I wonder??? But it is interesting not anything more

I think it's unreasonable to tell another person how they should identify their own ethnicity

Thanks

I'm white so I can't really judge whether this is racist or not.

I had a friend at uni who was quite similar. She had sort of golden tanned skin and blue eyes and hair that was dark blonde but curly and with an obvious sort of afro texture. I think she had one black grandparent, like you. I thought she was absolutely beautiful and was kind of fascinated by her ethnicity, but obviously didn't keep bringing it up in conversation after the first conversation when she told me about her black ancestry. I can sort of imagine that your in laws might have the same reaction to your ethnicity but just no filter so they keep saying what they are thinking out loud rather than keeping quiet about it. Your husband needs to explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable and ask them to stop mentioning it.

It is racism.

OK to ask at first, not to keep on at it. Some people have curly hair, some people tan easy. We had a lady in ghe office who'd be pasty white over winter and the first hint of sun she'd turn brown, really dark brown.

I too am mixed-race. My DH is white. He has said to me often that he had absolutely no idea how deep racism goes until he married into my family. He had been blind to it. And by that I mean the casual, ignorant, every-day-bias kind of racism that non-white people see and live with every day.

My in-laws are your classic "we're not racist" ignorant-as-shit racist twats.

I have given up trying to explain racism to white people.

Op isn't black though, stop trying to frame this as being racist

I have a quarter white child and idea of him claiming to be black is laughable. He's of African descent but he's not black. Black is a phenotype. African/Caribbean whatever are different similar gene pools.

An op herself said she doesn't choose to identify as black so that the end of the matter.

Apologies are rare here. So thanks for reflecting.

I agree it would help if you referred to yourself as mixed race.

Mind you, we all are in one way or another.