Ethnicity questions from in-laws!!

[Funinthesun20]

My in-laws don’t seem to understand my ethnicity and mostly “where my curly hair comes from?” And that of the kids curly hair and the fact that they tan easily!!

Background: So, I identify (mostly because I look) as a white woman with thick light brown curly hair. My kids (3) one is curly dark haired, two are blonde/light brown looser curls.

My grandad was a black man (Jamaican) , married an Irish white woman, and my dad and aunts and they are light skin but mixed race. My dad married a white woman and had 3 children. We are all light/white skinned but all with brown curly hair.

You could say that we (My dad, me and my siblings are “racially ambiguous looking” as in we are white with something going on!! 😛

My in laws met my grandad a couple of time when he was alive. But after 10 years it still baffles them that he is my grandfather!!
They are by no means racist, more ignorant I guess.

To be honest, since I have been wearing my hair curly (to help the kids love their curls, I needed to love mine and show them that their hair is beautiful) it’s become a thing to comment on, as I guess I do look more ethnic.
Asking “is it natural” “where does that come from?” “How do you get it so curly”

When my brother came home from travelling he had let his hair grow to a full hair of beautiful brown sun kissed curls and he was so unbelievably tanned! And they couldn’t get their heads around it when they saw pictures of him. Again, not in a racist way more in a completely oblivious way as to why he is able to tan so well!

I was blunt with them on Easter Sunday, after they commented on my hair and the kids hair as to where my hair comes from. I just kind of shouted out, well my grandad was black wasn’t he!!
My husband is completely on my side and said i wasn't rude, but firm.
He also doesn’t seem to get why they are so fascinated and perplexed as to how genetics work, and how my grandfather can be black but I am white!
He has spoken them about it and reiterated that my her grandfather was black.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post! It’s weird for me as I am in all sense a white woman. So I don’t think they can or are being racist to me as I am white like them? (I hope that makes sense?)

I’ve had to battle racism all my life. I’m born and bred Aussie but I am first generation. When people see me they think I look like I’m from somewhere in Europe to someone from Sri Lanka. I’ve had people (complete strangers, people I work with and so-called friends) ask me what is my nationality, where is my accent from and then they try to guess where I’m from. I say, I’m Aussie, it’s an Aussie accent and they insist I’m not Aussie and carry on. I’ve had this my whole life. I hate it but I ask them what do you think an Aussie looks and sounds like. I don’t get angry though. I can’t quite say what it makes me feel but definitely uncomfortable and like I don’t belong.

I’d turn it around. ‘Do you honestly think not one little part of dhs genetics are from grandpa Jim?’ Pause. ‘Of course it is…’ you: ‘Is it only when someone’s grandpa was black that you don’t understand genetics then?’
i don’t think that would be rude of you at all.

Fucking hell where do some of you get off badgering the OP to see herself the way you see her?

I think that perhaps they ARE a little bit racist…. They’re constantly going on about it, asking where it comes from, etc… They’re trying to push the conversation. Surely nobody’s that thick that they keep “forgetting”. I don’t blame you at all for losing your shiz over this and actually think you have been more than patient and restrained.

So very true!! 🌹

*I meant to add that I am the token blue-eyed blonde from a very mixed race background. (Jamaican, Jewish, Eastern European, Portuguese, French…) It is obvious with the rest of my family but not me. As a result I identify as white, my brother as mixed race. In theory I could choose to identify as mixed race too, but have always been told that I am white by the rest of my wider family. It’s how I grew up and how I always felt. It wasn’t a “thing” said to isolate or divide me, but just a fact. Outside of that I have lived with the benefit of white privilege and part of that is nobody interrogating me about my background/demanding that I explain myself - because literally no one cares.

Cannot believe the people on this thread (at least one of whom has admitted to being white) telling the OP how she should describe her race! 🙄 Surely that is very much her concern, and not yours?

Oh wow, there are posters who have admitted, actually admitted, to the crime of being white??!

That's so shit, I'm sorry that happens

No she doesn't they need to use their brains

That's so sad

It’s a form of mentionitis and it’s racist.

Being white is fine; being white and telling other people that they are mixed race when they have described themselves as otherwise is not.

They sound weird. You’re a quarter black and three quarters white so of course you’re going to look white to the main extent but will have traits from your grandad like the hair. Are they really thick or something?

They do sound ignorant and racist. Can’t you just say bluntly, every time they raise it, ‘my grandfather was black’ and repeat. I mean, they know this so the fact they keep asking is rude and odd.

Because she is white looking. It gets weird when you start calling yourself something that no one can see. People don't generally announce their colour but on forms where you have a section to fill out for ethnicity it doesn't fit some of us very well. My kids are all white. Green eyes. Brown hair. I am half east Asian. I look pretty Caucasian. I grew up in the UK. I say I am biracial. My kids never know what box to tick. There is nothing that fits them. Asian means Indian in the uk. Then there is often Chinese, Bangladeshi and some other random countries. They usually tick 'other'. But honestly they just look white. Their experience is white. They prefer to be known as having my mixed heritage as frankly it's cooler rn. But it just garners rolled eyes if they say they are 1/4 Asian. It's like when completely white people start saying they are black or mixed race as if they have experienced the issues black peoples have when they haven't

My daughters are both mixed race. (My husband is 3/4 Jamaican 1/4 Italian. I am white)

Not derailing your OP thread. Jamaican is a nationality, not a race. One of my friends is a white Jamaican, but equally could have been of any other non-black race, because historically, the Caribbean has many races living together.

I dislike the assumption that if you're a Jamaican you must be black. I've even heard the comment that she can't be white because she is a Jamaican. #ignorance

At what point do you drop the mixed descriptor?
1/8th?
1/200th?
Because ultimately we are all mixed.
But if someone is 1/8 or 1/16 something and 15/16 something else they start to look very woke and try hard to start calling themselves mixed race.

The kids are white. With a black ancestor.

its very odd they are so obsessed with your looks - but I am mixed race and pass as white - but still I refer to myself as mixed race. I used to refer to myself as white as it was easier on forms until I realised that I am technically mixed race and wiping out my heritage due to me thinking I look white so therefore am white.

The irony is that the descriptor as you call it comes close to the racist idea of the "one drop" rule.

Beige going to remember that for the next time someone asks about ethnicity.

Ooh, I'd be so tempted to pull them aside next time with DH and basically act like you're really concerned they are struggling with their memory.

'Diane, are you feeling okay? I dont want to upset you, but we've told you that my grandad was black about 20 times now, and you keep forgetting... have you found yourself being forgetful about other things?'
Passive aggressive as fuck but the idea is funny.

Perhaps they’re just a bit slow and trying to work it out, hence the constant hair comments. If you met a white woman, knew her for years and were totally familiar with her long straight chestnut hair and blue eyes, but then suddenly her hair has curls, you might ask similar questions about whether the curls are natural too because you’d be missing the fact that her straight hair, which she’d had for years was actually the ‘not natural’ bit and now she’d reverted to her natural curls.

You might think that’s obvious in your case because of your black grandfather, but as others have said, perhaps they think he’s not a blood relative or something or there’s adoption involved somewhere. They might not want to ask that, so the curls have become their focus.

Explain simply and briefly, eg “These are my natural curls. I straightened my hair before. I have these curls from my black grandfather. I am mixed race”. Literally spell it out as though you’re talking to young children. If they then persist after that, then you’ll know it’s racism and rudeness.

Asking “is it natural” “where does that come from?” “How do you get it so curly”

Say “follicles “ and if you mumble it the right way it will sound a bit like “fuck you “.

Hope that helps 😁

I'm going to be brave here.

My DCs have luscious red hair. Loads of it, one wavy, one straight, slightly different shades of red.

People ask this ALL the time.

DH and I are white, but with both Celtic and Northern European ancestry. So ' white other' If you like.

Now I know we don't have the issues that people who are of other races have to deal with. But really I just think part of it is the human response to what is beautiful/unusual, and people being a bit thoughtless at what to say. A relative of mine had similar from people when she had twins... she constantly questioned it.. why are people commenting all the time? I said it's just the human condition to comment on beautiful/unusual (to them) things.

OP I bet your DCs are both beautiful and wonderful people, and you ILs are simply not thinking this through and could be more creative in their affections!! Solidarity that it bothers you though!