Ethnicity questions from in-laws!!

[Funinthesun20]

My in-laws don’t seem to understand my ethnicity and mostly “where my curly hair comes from?” And that of the kids curly hair and the fact that they tan easily!!

Background: So, I identify (mostly because I look) as a white woman with thick light brown curly hair. My kids (3) one is curly dark haired, two are blonde/light brown looser curls.

My grandad was a black man (Jamaican) , married an Irish white woman, and my dad and aunts and they are light skin but mixed race. My dad married a white woman and had 3 children. We are all light/white skinned but all with brown curly hair.

You could say that we (My dad, me and my siblings are “racially ambiguous looking” as in we are white with something going on!! 😛

My in laws met my grandad a couple of time when he was alive. But after 10 years it still baffles them that he is my grandfather!!
They are by no means racist, more ignorant I guess.

To be honest, since I have been wearing my hair curly (to help the kids love their curls, I needed to love mine and show them that their hair is beautiful) it’s become a thing to comment on, as I guess I do look more ethnic.
Asking “is it natural” “where does that come from?” “How do you get it so curly”

When my brother came home from travelling he had let his hair grow to a full hair of beautiful brown sun kissed curls and he was so unbelievably tanned! And they couldn’t get their heads around it when they saw pictures of him. Again, not in a racist way more in a completely oblivious way as to why he is able to tan so well!

I was blunt with them on Easter Sunday, after they commented on my hair and the kids hair as to where my hair comes from. I just kind of shouted out, well my grandad was black wasn’t he!!
My husband is completely on my side and said i wasn't rude, but firm.
He also doesn’t seem to get why they are so fascinated and perplexed as to how genetics work, and how my grandfather can be black but I am white!
He has spoken them about it and reiterated that my her grandfather was black.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post! It’s weird for me as I am in all sense a white woman. So I don’t think they can or are being racist to me as I am white like them? (I hope that makes sense?)

Wait, I’ve just re-read your OP - your in-laws actually MET your grandad? Oh maybe they are just thick then.

"To be honest, since I have been wearing my hair curly (to help the kids love their curls, I needed to love mine and show them that their hair is beautiful) it’s become a thing to comment on, as I guess I do look more ethnic.
Asking “is it natural” “where does that come from?” “How do you get it so curly”"

I'm not defending them as I have no idea what they think but is it because you didn't used to wear your hair curly that they are asking whether your curls are natural. Perhaps they thought it was natural beforehand?

I had some repeated encounters with rather dim people who could not seem to remember my explanation of why two of mine being flaming redheads ( DHs Dad had red hair)while neither DH nor I were ( although anyone with eyes should have been able to spot the reddish tone in my hair). Of it didn't fit their simplistic notion of how looks and genetics work they just couldn't keep it in their head and it seemed to surprise them every time. Maybe they just couldn't think of anything more original to say? 🤷

The confusion probably lies with the fact that OP says that she’s a white woman, not one who’s mixed race. Going by these two comments, I don’t think the OP believes that she’s mixed race simply because she’s white passing.

So, I identify (mostly because I look) as a white woman with thick light brown curly hair.

It’s weird for me as I am in all sense a white woman

I think if you accepted and owned your ethnicity then there would be no confusion. Or maybe your DH’s family are just stupid. Who knows

You're giving me flashbacks to an embarrassing night away with the in-laws a million years ago. Teenage DN had brought a friend, who was clearly a mixed race girl with light skin and afro hair. I've no idea of her family so maybe they knew was being raised by two white people and that was why they were so confused but the poor girl was asked so many questions about "where she got the hair". It was obvious to DH and I that she had a black biological parent or possibly grandparent but obviously not our place to comment other than to try steer the conversation to other topics. It was so bloody weird and awkward.

OP I wonder if it's because you don't fit in the neat box of "black person" or "mixed race" person that they have in their heads, and even more so if your appearance has changed. It must be very frustrating though.

@ButterflyKu you are right, I guess as I have always passed for white as that is how I look. Also, with most of my dad’s side of the family mostly also looking white we have all kind of lived as white people (I don’t really know how to word that better!)
But, I do say I’m mixed if the conversation is on topic.

I do think having my own children is making me more aware of how I should see myself.

The whole topic around being racially ambiguous is confusing, I feel I can’t relate to being black as I haven’t had to deal with any racism or discrimination that people experience and I have received all the privileges that comes from looking white.
Growing up and going to secondary school in the late 90s in a smallish city it was more clean cut, POC, mixed race or white. Nowadays, my kids have friends for all mixed and multi backgrounds.

This reminds me of a woman I know (Lucia) who is British born, but has Italian parents (moved here to the UK in the mid 1970s, had her in 1980.) Lucia has nearly black hair, dark skin, and deep brown eyes, as she has 2 Italian parents.

Lucia met her blonde, blue-eyed, fair-skinned husband Lee in 2010, and they got married in 2013. In 2015 they had their daughter Izzy. Izzy looks a lot like Lee, and right up to about 7 years old (so like, the last year or two,) she had light golden-blonde hair, and piercing light blue eyes, and quite fair skin.

Every time Lucia went out alone with Izzy, she was questioned constantly about whose child it was, and she continually said 'mine. She is mine.' She got smirks, and side-eyes, and frowns, and shaken heads. People seemed to disbelieve that Izzy was hers! Even when she was with her and Izzy's father Lee (who was blonde, blue-eyed, and fair skinned like Izzy,) they still asked who the little girl's mum was. Some people asked, and then asked again a few weeks later. And then kept fucking asking! Izzy is blonde and blue eyed LIKE HER FATHER!!!

It started to become humiliating and insulting and ridiculous. Izzy is nearly 9 now, and her hair is darkening, and her skin looks a little darker, and so it's happening less, but Lucia still gets it now and again, as Izzy looks more like her dad! (Izzy's husband!) Why don't people STFU? Why do they need to say anything? And why do they need to KEEP saying it? Are they thick? 🙄

They are thick and as my dad would say there's no arguing with stupid.

I'm with @TigerOnTour. How are they when you talk about your grandfather in general?

Surely they’ve got to be either very stupid or very rude? They met your grandad, they’ve met your brother but even without this why shouldn’t you have curly hair? This has made me think, I’ve known a woman for 40 years, she has black, curly hair, fair skin. From memory her parents had straight hair but never in all these years have I wondered “ where she got her hair from”

Some people are just thick and can’t comprehend that your children can sometimes not be carbon copies of a parent.
Our children are curly red heads. We and our immediate family’s are all straight dark haired.
Every so often we still get asked by family members on both sides were the red comes from despite being asked previously by these people and them knowing a great grandparent on each side was a redhead ! Been 20 years of it now.

Im in a similar position, i consider myself white british, i was born here and im olive skinned with black curly hair and blue eyes - the curls and blue eyes coming from my irish mum and the olive skin and black hair originating from my indian grandfather (dad's side)
If I had a pound for every time I've been asked "where are you from? No like what country" I'd be living in a very very nice house. Holidays are always interesting because obviously I tan easily and I make a quite stark contrast against my blonde fair skinned husband!

Do they not realise your grandad is biologically related to you?! Did they think you just picked him up along the way?
I don't buy that they are that stupid I'm pretty sure they are saying it to offend you.

Have they ever seen or met your Dad?
The next time they say anything just wash over it - my Dad's side have curls. Don't mention anything about race

Rinse and repeat.

They like your hair and want to talk about it with you! Nothing racist.

Those on here who are saying it's racist.... wow! Get a grip it really isn't. They're curious. And whilst they may repeat themselves, as many older people do, they just really love your hair. I wouldn't even say it's ignorance.

Too much faux outrage and absolute needless race baiting on this thread.

It's not rocket science is it

You're a quarter black

But genetics are unique and those are the bits that you have - they presented as you

I have a friend whose dad was Indian - her son looks more Indian than her! And her other child looks like Amelia out of the Enid blyton stories! Same grandad/mum and dad etc

I don't think this is something I'd lose sleep on. It's a bit funny of them, but I don't believe it's as unusual as you might think.

My partner is from a similar family situation. He is to all appearances a black Caribbean man, his mum was biracial, and his siblings through her, who have a few different dads, have quite a variety of appearances. They married pretty widely too and so the grandkids are really all over the place, some of them appear almost nordic, some are mistaken for hispanic, and some would generally be described as black. They also have a fair bit of Chinese DNA but for some reason that isn't often picked up on.

Outsiders are often quite gobsmacked to realize they are all blood relations and comment on it.

It's always a bit tiring when people comment again and again about the same thing, whether it is your hair, your carpet choices, or that you eat so many pickles. Some people are like that though, it's how their families make conversations. It takes all kinds I guess.

Being white or black are "race" categories. Which is to say that when push comes to shove, they are made up based on certain rather arbitrary criteria. At a certain point it becomes very difficult to categorize people, if they don't "look" like a certain ethnicity, and also don't have strong cultural ties, or community connections there, or the culture they most relate to is attached to the other racial group in some way.

Ethnicity is a different, though related thing, and you can be a lot more precise about it. You have Jamaican heritage, and so your ethnicity is European and African and maybe some other things too, and your cultural upbringing will depend mainly on who raised you and where. (I for example have some French ancestors, but zero cultural connection, none of that has been passed down. I do have some small German cultural references with family holiday traditions though.)

Some people, especially now, seem desperate to be able to categorize people by racial categories, but even if you include biracial, I think it's increasingly difficult to do that, particularly in families like yours. I think we'd really be better off to switch to talking about ethnicity for the most part.

This.

OP, you need to keep telling them "I'm a quarter black, or 3rd generation African genes.... or mixed race.....or whatever description suits.

If you say you're white (and you're not) then this is confusing their confusion.

Just be upfront about it.

Perhaps they don't think your grandad was your real grandad and thought he may be a step-grandad or something?

Yeah they are being twats op. Both my white best friends have black relatives and i’ve never thought for a moment to question it or make a big deal out of it. It’s not difficult.

And your hair sounds lovely!

My best friend is mixed Indian and white and always referred to as "racially ambigious"

Every holiday we went on the locals always talk to her in their language which is quite funny but she constantly gets asked where she is from and then people won't accept the answer.

We are irish but its always the where are you really from and now she just tells people she is beige. Half white half brown , beige. Shuts them right up because they don't know how to take it.
Her son has her big brown eyes and thick dark hair but his dad's pale skin. Genetics are weird and wonderful and people are nosey as hell. You've explained it once that's more than enough. After that they are just being rude.

op you are confusing; look white mention how white you are more than once, straightened or cut your hair so the curls were not as apparent and now expect family to see your ethnic diversity which you yourself easily hid.
maybe they thought you were adopted and that your grandfather was family via marriage vs blood.
either way now that you are embracing your ethnic background you might have to repeat your family history a few more times. annoying but in the end will be helpful for everyone.

I feel I can’t relate to being black as I haven’t had to deal with any racism or discrimination that people experience

Do you genuinely think that all there is to being a black person is racism and how one is perceived by white people? You haven’t considered thousands of years of global history, art, science, philosophy, agriculture, religion, storytelling …?

Extraordinary.

And as for ‘living as a white person’. How, pray, do you imagine your life differs from mine, day to day?

It’s (mildly) concerning that your language implies such a lack of critical thinking about your own heritage. And worrying for your children if you think being black amounts to nothing more than racism and hair.

This feels a little unfair. For many mixed race people (myself included) it can take a while to become aware of the breadth and depth of our history. Some of this can be down to family dynamics, some of it history (where my family is from as a nation they were too embarrassed by their slave history to want to own it), or just simply to not have had easy access to the information. Thankfully we are beginning to have much more honest conversations about race, identity and the impact of this on people, communities and culture. But it takes time and everyone moves at their own pace. I was late 30's before I became interested in my family history. Give the OP a chance.

And @Funinthesun20 your in laws are being very insensitive at best. Stand your ground and remember what your children see you and your DH accept is what they will learn to tolerate too. You are 100% OK to question this behaviour. It is not OK.

Again, @Thingamebobwotsit, the only thing you mention in relation to the entire existence of black people on earth is … slavery.

Why?

You've lived your life "passing" as white, and identifying yourself as white, so people have treated you as white. Ergo, you've experienced, and beneffited, from white privilege.

Now you've let your hair go its natural way, and have obviously ethnic children, people are starting to notice you're not white. So their racism is showing. And as you have never experienced it before, it is baffling to you.

OP, welcome to the world you've successfully avoided (by pretending to be what you're not) for many years. There is huge learning in this lesson. For starters, you can start reflecting about peope who simply cannot hide their ethnicity, and how different from yours their life has been without you even being aware of it.