How to deal with neighbours who bang and shout when my toddler cries?

[17O222]

We live in a flat and my 2 year old (obviously) cries when he wants something, hungry, wakes up etc. like any other normal 2 year old. I don’t feel he cries any more than a normal toddler of his age and we don’t leave him to just cry and cry.
I completely understand that this would be annoying to neighbours, I don’t enjoy it either!
My neighbours upstairs have started banging, stomping, turning their music up so loud we can’t hear the TV and sometimes screaming. These people are in their mid 50’s so just odd behaviour.
How would you deal with this or would you just ignore it? I feel like it’s really stressing me out everytime my toddler cries now because I’m worried at how they’ll react. We can’t afford to move right now so that isn’t an option but hopefully in a year so we’ll be able to move.

No advice, sorry, but absolutely astounded at the number of posters thinking that a two-year-old behaving like a typical two-year-old justifies passive-aggressive harassment from grown-ass adults in their fifties.

I bet you all think that battered wives and rape victims bring it on themselves too, as it's the exact same "logic" of excusing the perpetrator because the victim dared to exist.

Neighbour mediation service? You can access and invite them. It can really work amazingly and the opposite of confrontation.

Sorry but this level of crying isn’t normal.. I’ve had 2 2 year olds and have one nearly 2 year old to go and they’re not crying/didn’t cry unless hurt! Certainly not because they’ve just woken up or are asking for something to eat!
the behaviour from upstairs is ridiculous too though.

Our 23 month old only tends to scream when he hurts himself out his older brother does something mean.

Except for bedtime, when he calmly climbs the stairs and plays hide and seek looking for mummy and his older brother who hide under the covers in one of the bedrooms. He remains calm when he's put into his sleeping bag and is put into the cot. He then goes batshit crazy for ten minutes when we leave the room to let him to sleep in his cot.

I'm sure he'll grow out of it, but I'd be fucking fuming if the neighbours started banging on the walls and playing loud music.

I concur with the previous posters that have suggested phoning the police and saying you've heard screaming from the flat above and are concerned for their safety.

Let the weirdos explain their lunatic behaviour to the police and get their behaviour on record in case it escalates.

Shouting at someone is very different to someone in a different flat shouting..?

Wait a second - @Loulou599 are you saying it was intimidation for the man to take his toddler to meet the neighbour who had a problem, but it was ok for the woman to scream and bellow at a crying toddler? I think you really have some confused ideas over appropriate behaviour and who was actually trying to intimidate.

@Littlepicklepie

Shouting at someone is very different to someone in a different flat shouting..?

Yes, I'm sure the toddler is reassured that the screaming and banging is coming from behind a wall.

This thread is one of the worst things I've ever read on the site. I cannot believe the way people are bending over backwards to excuse the neighbours' behaviour.

Fucking Victorian, isn’t it?

2 years olds still don’t have the full concept of social norms, of not understanding why they can’t have what they want that very instant, how to handle their emotions (or even what are emotions), and how to communicate them effectively. It takes a long time of parental strategies for them to start working. My daughter matured much quicker than my son in that respect, but still took a while. My son, sheesh, whole different ball game. We need to stop applying the same expectations of older children on toddlers. Frankly, it’s unrealistic and ableist.

Reasons why children cry:
Don't want to wake up
Want food straight away
Don't want to wear trousers/skirt/nappy/socks
Don't want to sit in pushchair/walk
Want TV
No, not that one, want Bing
Other child snatched toy
Dont want bath
Don't want to get out of bath
Don't want nappy and clothes (again)
Angry/sad at being told off
Hurts self when playing
Don't want to go to bed

2 year olds can't all talk well and even if they can, are still infants that use crying as a method of communication. You can't talk them out of it, you can't smack them out of it. It's a developmental stage, as you know.

The kind of weird neighbours who resort to banging and shouting probably aren't the best judge of what's "normal" for a 2 year old.

So, just to be clear, because the adults are only making noise (by choice, not normal adult behaviour) while the child is making noise (not a choice, developmentally normal) then OP should just accept being harassed in her own home?

I don’t know if you know this, but all children are individuals. That means that they’re not all the same as each other and ‘normal’ behaviour is a range.

I don’t really understand the correlation between talking and expressing emotions either. Even the most well spoken 2 year old can’t pin point each and every single emotion causing discomfort, most adults can’t either. We naturally avoid uncomfortable emotions because they don’t feel great, it takes reflection and tuning in to ourselves to be able to sit with and articulate what’s happening for us. It’s okay for kids to cry at this discomfort, before co-regulating and exploring with an adult. I’d be amazed if I met a two year old who never cried as a result of their own confusing emotions around sharing, not getting their own way, tiredness etc. On that basis, I don’t believe toddlers ‘excessively cry’, unless they are in pain from illness or injury. There’s a quite a range of ‘normal’ for toddlers, the neighbour sounds petty and perhaps abit of a ‘know it all’ because she’s a teacher. Which by the way, doesn’t place her in the default position of knowing everything about two year old development.

This sounds like our old neighbour but she was below us. It really affected my MH and I thought I was doing something wrong in my parenting. It escalated to her playing music at night if my little one who was 1yr old at the time cried in the night. We kept diaries, we made complaints. We loved our home but staying there just wasn’t an option when she was so unrelenting in banging and making a point of complaining.

the only way out for us was a move, as you own, you may not want to move but you may feel better for it.

I agree that the NDN behaviour is not ok. It’s PA to say the least.

But have they complained to the OP before and she has brushed them off because that’s what children do? Like she has on this thread

Has she tried to keep noise to a minimum and taught her dc to be quiet - one thing that I’ve always found surprising for example is how quiet toddlers in France can be vs the U.K. The only explanation I found was that they are taught to not scream etc…very early on.

Has she tried one if the numerous proposals on this threads like carpets or soundproofing her flat?

Has she actually talked to her NDN?

Some people are twats. But imo often issues with neighbours are down to a break down in communication between the two parties.

Sound proofing in lots of flats is crap. That’s the problem, not your child or your neighbours.

Invest in professional soundproofing if you can. That’s what I would do if I owned a flat.

Bollocks they do, they tantrum just like kids from every other country 😂

Yes 2 year olds cry sometimes but it shouldn't be every time they wake, want food etc. none of know how often or how loud it really is.

I would work on teaching your son to ask for food etc then the problem will go away.

We have a toddler next to us (adjoined) and we don't hear her, I lived in a flat when mine were small and never got complaint, perhaps you could look at noise insulation panels even

I don’t get your point. Someone said the man was intimidating the neighbour. I saw it that he was showing the neighbour the child . Ie, when see a cute little toddler being a toddler, it’s hard to be angry at them.

noise is noise. anyone would find loud noises annoying (Like you do too), whether its a child or music its offputting

Do you scream and bang walls when the noise of small children annoys you?

Are you the neighbour?

no I'm not. but it doesn't matter what the noise is - I can see why it would be annoying

It’s clearing annoying them but it’s tough really. I have a 2 year old and new neighbours and I do feel sorry for my neighbours at times, but I also feel sorry for me more 😂.

It is what it is, you can’t force a child to not cry (unfortunately). Just carry on with your day. If they lived where you do, they would probably be banging on the ceiling with a mop because they can hear foot steps.

Speak to env health. They might have some ideas about how to reduce noise transmission and also may put a noise monitor in yoyr flat- your neighbours sound like they have mental ill health....