Anyone else really struggle with unsolicited advice? Help me to be less prickly, please!!

[camillax]

I really, really struggle with unsolicited advice.

I realise this is generally a me problem (unless someone is doing it as a dominance display, which usually isn't the case, I think it usually comes from kindness).

But I really struggle with people assuming I don't know how to do something and telling me what to do, when I haven't asked for their advice.

Example, I moved house recently and changed gyms. Went to a Les Mills class at the new gym (for context if anyone don't know, Les Mills classs run internationally so you can go to pretty much any gym in the world and if you do a LM class you've done before you basically know what to expect).

Anyway. This other lady in the class (not the instructor) buzzed over, 'noticed' I was new and started giving me her advice on how to do the class (I've been doing BodyPump for 3 years, I don't need to do the entire class on beginner weights, which is what she felt the need to tell me to do).

It just made me really prickly. The class hadn't started. I knew how to set up. Why did she feel she needed to come and tell me what to do?

But more importantly why did something so minor piss me off?

Does anybody else get stupidly irritated by this kind of thing?

The reason it bothered you is that it taps into something at your core that you believe about yourself. Can you work out what that is?

Just interrupt and say 'oh thanks, but I've actually been doing these classes at another gym for three years!' and then make some polite chit chat.

If I were to go amature psychologist I'd say your annoyance comes from lack of confidence/imposter syndrome and therefore finding the idea of someone incorrectly thinking you don't what you're doing triggering.

That's pretty much what I did say to her and then I felt really bad.

Maybe I need to work on it being ok for me to be assertive to bossy people.

Yeah, I'm like this.

I read somewhere that if you have cold/difficult/cruel parents (I do) then you grow up so flippin' self-sufficient (check) that you absolutely cannot ask people for help (check) therefore when they offer it, no matter how well-meaning, you aren't equipped emotionally to accept it, because you feel shamed. Full circle back to parents having shamed you for needing help. Check check check for me but you may be different!

I don't think you need to feel bad about that, although I guess it depends on tone.

I'd also reframe it from bossy and assertive to helpful (albeit misguided) and polite. A lot of it is in your perception of it i.e. she was being bossy not helpful and you had to be assertive instead of just polite.

This certainly fits

@NuffSaidSam I'm actually with acknowledging her bossiness. You don't interfere with whatever someone else is lifting if they haven't asked for advice, that's isn't helpful it's overstepping.

LM instructors always give that advice to newcomers anyway, so to be fair she was stepping on the instructor's toes more than mine.

I'm only going off what you said in your OP which was

which usually isn't the case, I think it usually comes from kindness.

If this specific case was one of the times it didn't come from kindness maybe you could give us another example where it did? Otherwise it's quite difficult to say why it annoys you so much. Everyone is annoyed by bossy people, most people can cope with misguided kindness.

@NuffSaidSam that's actually really helped.

Now that you say that I think bossy people are really annoying and maybe I feel bad thinking that so try to pretend they are just being kind.

Perhaps that's the bit I need to work on. Stop making excuses for overbearing arseholes and don't feel guilty when I give them pushback!

Thank you!

I have been stewing on this exact same thing for the past few days. As much as I know it has more to do with them than with me...it still pisses me off because I end up looking incompetent.

Example: my advisor friend commented that my cat has lost weight. I said it's likely because he's no longer struggling with hairballs as they tended to make his belly look bigger and I have found something good that helps. She proceeds to advise me to massage his belly to help and that's what she did with her kids. Utterly fucking ridiculous. You don't massage a cats belly and was she actually saying her kids had hairballs? She had no idea how ridiculous it sounded.

Another time I shared with her how my apartment doesn't get sun and therefore it's difficult to grow anything. Few days later I get a video of some Instagramer about some houseplant that doesn't need much sun. I already have this plant and could have googled it myself. It's also toxic to cats. Which brings me back to another video she sent me yonks ago about toxic house plants. Yeah I knew that already.

It pisses me off because I didn't ask for advice and I don't have actual problems. I was just sharing these things with her but her advice giving makes it look I shared a problem to which she knows the solution. And then I look like an idiot for getting annoyed just because 'she wanted to be kind and had no bad intention.

Following, as this also drives me mad. Particularly when it’s from overbearing strangers. Also when people try to wave me into parking spots. I want to run them over.

I had this when I started Pilates in a new area. I just smiled and nodded at the advice and then just got with the class, which I in fact found quite easy. In situations like this, I wouldn’t argue or really acknowledge, I’d just let my let my actions show my experience. I didn’t get any advice in my next class or going forward (apart from the instructor).

Do you tend to run into bossy people at a lot? At work etc? I appreciate it can be really overbearing.

I really disagree that much of any unsolicited advice giving comes from a place of kindness. It creates a power dynamic in which the advice giver feels better about themselves. Many psychologists state that unsolicited advice is always criticism. So no, I'm not cutting such people much slack, but it is true that it's our problem on the receiving end if it irritates us so much.

Personally, I also get frustrated as it makes a real connection with this friend difficult if I usually end up as the one receiving unsolicited advice and the one that needs help with the most basic things.

If it comes from a stranger like in the OP set up id definitely see it as criticism.

Is it just unsolicited advice you dislike or just unnecessary advice?
If I don’t know how to do something I’ll either ask or google it, therefore I don’t often need the advice.
lots of people don’t actually do that.

I know now it annoys me and I generally pre-empt the advice if I’m going to a new class/activity.

i still haven’t quite got over some of the ‘training’ for parts of my actual job / volunteer position that are either so obvious that a baboon would be able to do them, something I’ve been doing for years or (when I do speak up) something that’s being shown incorrectly. We got about 20 minutes into a training a couple of weekends ago and the trainer hadn’t calibrated the machine and had it on the wrong setting….it was very badly done and I hopefully handled it okay.

But unless it’s something completely wrong and I haven’t pre-empted it, I just nod. People like being useful and usually it’s done under the best intentions.

Ok, I've thought of another one!!

I've been self employed in a professional role for about 10 years now. Recently I enquired about office hire with someone locally, due to aforementioned move. They replied back with the availability which was mostly only over the weekend.

I replied, along the lines of "thanks for letting me know, I'm not sure if I'll be doing any work over weekends but I'll get in touch if that works out for me." To me this was a polite, ah well, shame our availability doesn't match.

And she replied, can't remember the exact wording:

"one thing I know from being established in this line of work is that you have to make the job work for you, rather than the other way around. So I'd urge you to seriously consider whether working weekends fits with your life."

I assume she thought that I was newly qualified and wanted to act as 'oh sage giver of advice'.

Again I found it rude, not helpful.

And before anyone says perhaps it was about committing to a contract this is literally £12 per hour ad hoc room hire, no major commitment to her!

Good point. Unnecessary advice, that no one asks for.

My mate telling my tyre looks a bit flat, showing how to find the bit on the inside of the door that says the number it needs to be pumped up to and how to do it. Golden!! And I'm very grateful for that.

So it's unnecessary advice.

Loads of people find unsolicited advice annoying. It’s annoying because it’s presumptuous and intrusive. There’s nothing wrong with you because you’re annoyed by it. Seems like a standard human response.

I have a genuine dilemma about unsolicited advice. I’ve read many times people don’t want it and you shouldn’t say anything unless asked. But in reality what should you do if you are aware of someone doing something that is potentially harmful to some degree or a just doing something in a way that is not beneficial to them either because it will take longer than necessary or have an unsatisfactory result?

Do people really just watch in silence?

Sometimes people don’t ask for advice because they have no idea there is advice that could be had.

So, I do give unsolicited advice. The most frequent being “Your shoe lace is undone.” When I do offer unsolicited advice I try not to sound like a smart arse. I’m often thanked sincerely, sometimes insincerely and sometimes rudely. I’d rather someone be a bit miffed than say nothing and watch whatever they were trying to do go wrong - put a picture in a frame upside down for example.

And I appreciate unsolicited advice in those sort of situations. In fact a lot of the things I know come from unsolicited advice because I didn’t know I needed to know the advice I’d been given so wouldn’t have asked for it.

If you do watch in silence, how do you feel when things go wrong and you know you could’ve prevented it?

I know exactly what you mean OP. This type of advice doesn’t come from a place of kindness, it comes from an opinionated place where the person dishing it out hasn’t been blessed with an ounce of self awareness.

I have a stock of standard replies that I draw on e.g. that’s an interesting viewpoint, or I’ll bear it in mind, or we’ll have to agree to disagree, that sort of thing and then move away from them. Inside I’m usually telling them to fuck off to the far side of fuck 😂

See, now this is an interesting point:

"just doing something in a way that is not beneficial to them either because it will take longer than necessary or have an unsatisfactory result?"

This is how people learn. It's good for building resilience, self-confidence and new skills.

So what if it takes 'longer than necessary'? What does that have to do with you?

And who arbitrates on whether something is an 'unsatisfactory result'?

Why would you feel the need to 'rescue' someone from doing something in a way that you wouldn't?

I absolutely hate it too, especially from dhs family
My family never give unsolicited advice whereas his family want to control everyone's lives and are so bossy and opinionated. I've found that dh doesn't actually have his own opinions, he always asks what other's think. He cannot think for himself because of his family interfering all his life
Peevs me off big time
I just nod & smile now when they talk 🤫

I fear I'm the one annoying others! I often give unsolicited advice/ opinions - the most recent being telling the girls in front of me on the bus that their day plans wouldn't work- they were planning a trip around my home city and the place central to their plans isn't open on a Monday- they hadn't checked and just assumed. I shouldn't have been eavesdropping and had no place to interrupt them, but I did. I told them the museum isn't open Mondays, but the science museum and a local gallery will be.

I then had to sit internally kicking myself until I got off and wished them luck. It's not malice or bossiness and it's certainly not superiority! I just can't help myself . I know I just come across as nosy and perhaps I am? But it's kindness that motivates me.

I also tell people of their lace is undone, for the same reason.

Why were you so worried about how their day would go that you had to interrupt strangers? Do you struggle with anxiety? What's the worst thing you were imagining would have happened if they got there and found the place closed?

I hadn’t seen your latest post re unnecessary advice. How does anyone know what will be necessary to someone else?

Is it the way people offer unsolicited advice that bothers you- maybe their tone or an assumption you are clueless rather than the advice itself?

That I completely get. No one likes a smart arse. That manner when offering advice is a bit like boasting really. No one likes a boaster.

Perhaps you’ve met more than your fair share of smart arse boasters. That would make anyone sick of unsolicited advice.