Anyone else really struggle with unsolicited advice? Help me to be less prickly, please!!

[camillax]

I really, really struggle with unsolicited advice.

I realise this is generally a me problem (unless someone is doing it as a dominance display, which usually isn't the case, I think it usually comes from kindness).

But I really struggle with people assuming I don't know how to do something and telling me what to do, when I haven't asked for their advice.

Example, I moved house recently and changed gyms. Went to a Les Mills class at the new gym (for context if anyone don't know, Les Mills classs run internationally so you can go to pretty much any gym in the world and if you do a LM class you've done before you basically know what to expect).

Anyway. This other lady in the class (not the instructor) buzzed over, 'noticed' I was new and started giving me her advice on how to do the class (I've been doing BodyPump for 3 years, I don't need to do the entire class on beginner weights, which is what she felt the need to tell me to do).

It just made me really prickly. The class hadn't started. I knew how to set up. Why did she feel she needed to come and tell me what to do?

But more importantly why did something so minor piss me off?

Does anybody else get stupidly irritated by this kind of thing?

Absolutely nothing wrong with being helpful….if you don’t want any advice then just ignore it 🤦‍♀️I genuinely couldn’t get worked up about it .
I work with people who are a lot younger than me and at times they come across as patronising..I just smile and thank them and ignore .

I agree. And totally feeds in to the earlier point I made about resilience. We need to make mistakes in order to learn and grow.

The more I think about it the more I think unsolicited advice givers are probably catastrophisers, certainly going by the input on this thread so far, anyway.

Sounds like you need to find out why this triggers you so much. Did you have a controlling parent or partner?

I wasn't so worried and no I don't suffer anxiety. But the museum is outside city centre. They'd have walked a mile there and back unnecessarily. And in March in Wales that walk would probably have included copious rainfall. They were young. I just wanted to help, and I think I did. But I don't know. But I'm mortified that I may come across as bossy or superior.

Great Post. Made me think a lot.

Yes I definitely had a bossy mother. I said it makes me prickly, not that it triggers me.

Two miles of walking for a young person is a bad thing, in your mind? Why?

@Lurkingandlearning at first I thought you refer to life or death situations but then mentioned shoes laces and picture frames. I don't believe this warrants unsolicited advice.

I can't help but think that people who give a lot of unsolicited advice are insecure and not really connected to themselves? I don't even notice if someone's laces aren't done and honestly they can very likely handle this or an upside down picture frame. They may feel they are helping someone but why do they need to feel like they have been useful?

You were being very kind to help these girls. Personally I would have been extremely grateful.

You are very goady

Because they clearly weren't familiar with the city (else they'd have known and would have been on the train that could have taken them practically there) , they'd have wasted their time and the weather is shit. Surely you'd rather NOT walk needlessly and get wet ? So it's just helpful if someone lets you know you're about to waste your time? Like when you approach a shop/ cash point and someone lets you know as your walking up, not to bother because it's closed/ broken? I think that's helpful and appreciate it. I certainly don't feel defensive or upset. Even if their advice is incorrect/ unnecessary/ I don't agree, I don't feel upset. I just smile nod and get on with my day. I assume they were trying to help but were wrong. I never assume malice when ignorance is an option.

@catscalledbeanz nah, you were unreasonable getting involved. They would have learnt to check next time whether something is open. They would have gotten there with the museum closed and could have improvised. Both give a lot more experience and memories. Maybe they were just chatting and would have checked later if things are open etc. but you assumed you'd have to interrupt or they would have walked into a nightmare.

@catscalledbeanz you were kind, in anyone’s book who isn’t better off living in a cave cut off from all humanity, totally self sufficient and knitting their own food out of horse hair 😂

Ooh and the sockpuppets are out!

Twatalert- walked into a nightmare?!?! That's a bit far isn't it? I assumed no such nonsense! Yes I assumed they'd rather not waste their time and get wet unnecessarily, and of course they were free, and perhaps did, choose to walk there anyway having assumed I'm a crazy random weirdo. I'm sore they had a good time regardless.

@catscalledbeanz well you sure wanted to make yourself useful so I guess that was achieved.

I'd also argue that the lesson is the same. They still ended up with their plan to visit the museum scuppered and so would have learnt to check next time? They'd just have had a softer lesson? If I can prevent someone learning life's lessons the "hard way" I will.

Can I give an example of a time I have given unsolicited advice and see what you make of it? A number of years ago I was doing a group bike sponsored event and we all trained as a group over several weeks. One of the group was complaining that her knees were sore after one of the training sessions. So I said that I had noticed that she had her feet angled outwards on the pedals as she cycles (she had been in front of me) and I wondered whether this might be twisting her knee and causing the pain. She then consciously changed the position of her feet on the pedals after that and said she didn't experience the knee pain after future rides. I think, and hope, I was right to speak up and save her pain by sharing information she wasn't aware of.

I don't think I am in the habit of regularly giving out unsolicited advice and I certainly wouldn't have done what the lady in your Les Mills session did but I probably would have told someone if the tourist attraction they were planning on visiting was closed that day, and I would hope someone would do the same for me.

I totally agree it’s annoying and I’m very mindful of not giving unsolicited advice myself - because it’s irritating to be on the receiving end of an opinion you never asked for. Of course some people are well meaning and/or perhaps don’t have brilliant social skills and are just making conversation or speaking for the sake of speaking. It’s the repeat offenders that annoy me the most. It is often condescending and comes from a place of hidden insecurity disguised by the mask of needing to be in an elevated position of knowledge.

I tend to minimally respond to such comments e.g a brisk ‘yes I know that, thanks’ does the job.

I don't believe it is the same as walking somewhere for nothing and then having to make alternative plans on the spot. You seem quite resistant though to self reflect after being advised you were unreasonable.

@Ivorymoon yes it's the repeat offenders that are the real problem.

I’d rather live amongst people like catcalledbeanz than the OP, who doesn’t appear to be the sort to walk an old lady across the road or help a lost child.

I don't think the cycling example is unsolicited because she initiated the conversation by talking about her knee pain, and you were in a position to offer advice.

To counter that; when I was in a running club I had at least three people come up to lecture me on my unconventional running style, two of whom suggested I go for gait analysis.

I have done gait analysis and am well aware on my unconventional running style, which is due to a long term spinal condition.

I didn't bring it up my running gait with anyone at club. Ever. And their 'intervention' only served to make me feel self conscious.

I was also faster than every single one of the people who thought that it was 'helpful' to point this out to me and hadn't asked any of them for advice on improving my running.

I really hate unsolicited advice on parenting teens from people who have toddlers, or don't have kids at all.

Following as I’m seeing MiL for lunch tomorrow 🤣🤣🤣