Anyone else really struggle with unsolicited advice? Help me to be less prickly, please!!

[camillax]

I really, really struggle with unsolicited advice.

I realise this is generally a me problem (unless someone is doing it as a dominance display, which usually isn't the case, I think it usually comes from kindness).

But I really struggle with people assuming I don't know how to do something and telling me what to do, when I haven't asked for their advice.

Example, I moved house recently and changed gyms. Went to a Les Mills class at the new gym (for context if anyone don't know, Les Mills classs run internationally so you can go to pretty much any gym in the world and if you do a LM class you've done before you basically know what to expect).

Anyway. This other lady in the class (not the instructor) buzzed over, 'noticed' I was new and started giving me her advice on how to do the class (I've been doing BodyPump for 3 years, I don't need to do the entire class on beginner weights, which is what she felt the need to tell me to do).

It just made me really prickly. The class hadn't started. I knew how to set up. Why did she feel she needed to come and tell me what to do?

But more importantly why did something so minor piss me off?

Does anybody else get stupidly irritated by this kind of thing?

@SirChenjins but isn't that a reasonable thing to do if you in fact really do not value their opinion and advice? I think the key is to not get wound up by someone's behaviour that has to do with them only. What would be an appropriate reaction in your opinion?

It was unsolicited advice which is what the OP was about.

You can presume whatever you like about what the woman said to her husband but he did not say “DW does this have an addition function?”So she gave unsolicited advice. To not do so would’ve been shitty.

Not offering advice when you know something that will help someone is shitty. Not everyone will appreciate it but if they take offence and get snippy when help has been offered with kindness that is also shitty.

Do you really stand by and watch someone fuck up or struggle when you know a way they can avoid that?

personally I’d assume the Pilates lady was just being kind and helpful. I’d thank her and mention that I do LM elsewhere.

"one thing I know from being established in this line of work is that you have to make the job work for you, rather than the other way around. So I'd urge you to seriously consider whether working weekends fits with your life."

this is more about her and how she feels about her work life balance. It’s not really about you

OP, but what if someone farted, like a really smelly one. Would you seriously just stand by without offering advice about their dietary choices? Or advise they change their underwear if it was a shart? 😉

😂

Did I ask you for any advice? Nope. Yet you’ve given me some. Thank you. I appreciate your concern.

And now I’m not going to give you or your unsolicited advice another thought.

🤣🤣

This just wouldn't bother me at all, I'd just laugh and say, well I should know by now!

@Lurkingandlearning I think you are trolling or have some condition because of which you can't see nuances.

If I saw my husband doing the excel thing I'd probably know him well enough to know whether he'd appreciate my unsolicited advice. I would definitely not interfere if I knew he doesn't like me to in general. So let him use the calculator if that's what he wants to do and if he isn't fed up enough with it to ask if I knew an easier way or use Google himself.

I really can't get into the business of watching others and thinking of solutions for them, especially strangers. It massively distracts from my own awareness and feelings. And before you come with more bleeding etc. it is nevertheless possible to be aware of ones surroundings and ask an elderly lady if she'd like help crossing the road. But I suspect you will continue to twist words and insist on whatever you are trying to pursue here.

You appear to be conflating two very different issues. Your examples are of providing practical help to those in need, e.g people bleeding from wounds. There is a difference between helpful problem solving where a person is clearly struggling and in need of a solution, and offering unsolicited advice to someone who is perfectly happy doing whatever it is they are doing. It is very arrogant to assume you know best and also very telling that you seem to assume a ‘rescuer’ position in relation to others, therefore positioning other people as vulnerable / fragile / in need of help. Why is it so important to you to be considered helpful? People learn by experience and mistakes, it is an essential part of life. You can find other ways to be helpful and feel valued in life beyond offering unsolicited advice to others in an attempt to feel good about yourself under the guise of ‘helping’.

Yes, it drives me mad too. Often, because the person 'advising' or offering suggestions knows fuck all about the thing I'm doing (or at least a lot less than me).

I was recently doing up a room, which involved significant semi-structural work that took a lot of very careful working out. Took someone to the DIY shop with me (a man) and had to listen to an non-stop barrage of advice and suggestions about what to buy, why I should buy this thing instead of the thing I'd already carefully chosen for the job...

This person has next to no DIY skills/knowledge and has never done anything like this themselves. Was close to strangling them -- especially when I took one of their suggestions on board (in an attempt at friendliness and inclusion 😂) and ended up with problems.

In defense of OP, I have two very bossy older DSis. They are controlling and perfectionists too. They have always given unsolicited advice to make themselves feel superior. A constant competition. And I picked a DH just like them.
It is exceedingly unpleasant when it happens time and again. Unsurprisingly, they do not like being told that it is bothersome!
I also agree with what @Lurkingandlearning said, they are all insecure, unconnected with themselves and I would go so far as to say narcissistic for two of them.

Yep, read my mind

“I can't engage with your questions because none of them - not one - makes any sense.”

Um. You just did.

But going back to your original question which I think was how to deal with unsolicited advice, I think if you can translate your words into a facial expression no one will ever bother you again.

You’ve had lots of posters totally agree with you, even I did to a point, yet my different point of view seems to have got you a bit discombobulated. Can we expect a future thread from you asking why you get so wound up by people who don’t agree with every single word you say?

No need to answer that question. I’m rather bored by you now.

You don't know if the young person is disabled and will in fact pay for a taxi to finish their fruitless journey.

Why would you let someone waste their time when you could spare them that?

If I genuinely didn’t care then it wouldn’t even register on my radar.

If I cared then I would do what you do (I think it was you? Apologies if not, I would need to scroll backwards to check) and change the subject or move away.

You didn't offer a different point of view, just a string of oblique and random questions.

By all means, please do formulate your point of view.

I was going to type up a reply but I see @Ivorymoon and @Twatalert have already said (perfectly) what I was going to say.

Do you often find yourself offering unsolicited advice? I do wonder from your responses whether it’s a habit of yours.

So? How absolutely patronising to consider that someone with a disability couldn't possibly plan for a day out without interference from a stranger.

Is it possible that when someone is giving unsolicited advice you are interpreting it as a criticism? Sometimes if we've dealt with a parent or partner who was hyper critical we begin to see things people say as a criticism of us and not how they were intended.
Yes everyone can get frustrated about unsolicited advice from time to time but if you find it particularly triggering perhaps it would help to think, wow this person cares enough to support me and give me ideas. Sometimes it will be people being annoying no don't, but perhaps seeing it generally as supportive will help lesson the overall feeling, making those ones not so bad?

@SirChenjins interesting. I can't say I disagree!

I'm autistic, sufficiently so as to be considered disabled under the Equality Act, and I often utterly fail to check whether a place is open because I have a certain amount of inattentive ADHD traits in my presentation. I'd much rather that someone said "I couldn't help but overhear you talking about going to X, I'm afraid they're closed for refurbishment" than that I got all the way there only to find that out.

How absolutely patronising to assume that you know what all disabled people would prefer.

God almighty. 'unsolicited advice' is just conversation and without conversation life would be dull indeed. My friends and family all 'advise' each other with recommendations, examples and experiences.

How weird it would be if you rang your sister to tell her all about your latest minor injury and she said 'oh dear' followed by silence instead of 'oh god, Sandra had that. She said honey was the best cure. I see Sainsbury's have some on special offer' like a normal bloody person.

'Oh no, got a problem have you? Oh well I'm sure you know how to fix it.' The nights must fly by round at your gaff.

And I have a diagnosis of ADHD, and I like winging shit and I'm incredibly resilient.

So I'm offended by the paternalistic idea that people with disabilities automatically need strangers to caretake them on outings.

Some of the best experiences of my life have been ones that didn't go to plan.

I think lots of 'advice ' is just chat. E.g.Friend 1 says, I'm so tired, I haven't made it to the gym in 2 weeks. Friend 2 days You should try X/Y/Z to help.
I find that kind of advice non triggering.
Advice from family, used to trigger me. I think it came from a place of superiority. Age & life seems to have cured it. Either they don't advise or I don't hear it.
I would be very thankful, as a tourist, to receive helpful advice about my museum visit, from a local - that's being friendly, in the best possible sense!

BTW you will get unsolicited advice from complete strangers when you have a baby. It is the weirdest thing. I rationalized it in my head that society is invested in my baby (maternity leave, children's allowance) and this was in a similar spirit.

I don't think either of your examples would have annoyed me OK but it depends on tone etc.