Anyone else really struggle with unsolicited advice? Help me to be less prickly, please!!

[camillax]

I really, really struggle with unsolicited advice.

I realise this is generally a me problem (unless someone is doing it as a dominance display, which usually isn't the case, I think it usually comes from kindness).

But I really struggle with people assuming I don't know how to do something and telling me what to do, when I haven't asked for their advice.

Example, I moved house recently and changed gyms. Went to a Les Mills class at the new gym (for context if anyone don't know, Les Mills classs run internationally so you can go to pretty much any gym in the world and if you do a LM class you've done before you basically know what to expect).

Anyway. This other lady in the class (not the instructor) buzzed over, 'noticed' I was new and started giving me her advice on how to do the class (I've been doing BodyPump for 3 years, I don't need to do the entire class on beginner weights, which is what she felt the need to tell me to do).

It just made me really prickly. The class hadn't started. I knew how to set up. Why did she feel she needed to come and tell me what to do?

But more importantly why did something so minor piss me off?

Does anybody else get stupidly irritated by this kind of thing?

Build a straw man argument, by all means. But don't expect me to engage with it when you're too lazy to engage with the content of the thread.

Twatalert- Surely the irony there is that I did not ask if I were unreasonable. This isn't my thread. I offered an opinion on the ops stance, and gave an example of a situation whereby I myself had offered advice.

You insist upon giving me unsolicited advice that I was unreasonable. You're right. I do refuse to reflect upon that. As I said, I'm not really worried when people disagree with me or give me advice I didn't ask for. I'm okay with it.

@PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice people could always ask first 'sorry heard you talking, may I make a suggestion?' which is a lot more respectful than just assuming.

I think you know full well that the old lady and lost child situations aren't the same as the examples here on this thread. Nobody was in danger or vulnerable.

😂

I didn't ask if I was unreasonable either...This is chat?

Yes, there is a lot to be said from teaching ourselves and learning from our mistakes but obviously that isn’t always the best way to learn.

There was a thread recently where the poster told her DH that he didn’t need to use a calculator to add up the figures on an excel spreadsheet. That is an example of unsolicited advice that saves someone from taking longer than necessary to do something. Do you think she was wrong to tell him? What did it have to do with her?

As for who arbitrates an unsatisfactory result, in an informal environment that would be the person doing the thing. My point was if you can see they are likely to be dissatisfied because they are unaware of something that might help them, do you say nothing? Why wouldn’t you help someone if you can?

I never used the word rescue so I’m not sure why you put that in “”. I try to help people if I can and I’m grateful when people try to help me.

But you didn’t answer my questions.

Do you really just stand there watching someone make a fuck up of something or hurt themselves when you could help them avoid doing so?

And when they are disappointed or bleeding, how do you feel?

Follow on questions…. Do you keep quiet about them applying pressure to the wound if it seems they don’t know they should?

Do you ever tell them that you knew something that would help them but kept quiet so they could work it out for themselves as a character building exercise?

Did you see the video of the female pro golfer receiving the mansplained advice of how to take the shot from a random amateur the other week ? I don't know how she kept her cool.

Op- I appreciate you didn't ask if you were unreasonable. I didn't say you were unreasonable. I was responding only to the poster who accused me of being such and commented that should "reflect" upon that. All I meant to do was offer my opinion on giving unsolicited advice, but it seems to be risking derailing your thread. So I'll bow out now.

Omg this has blown my mind. Absolutely me all day long. Wow. Thank you for this insight. Actually stunned

Sorry, where in any of the scenarios discussed is anyone bleeding?

What's the feeling and thought you get when this happens?

Your questions are absolutely incoherent.

Would I stand by and not prevent an accident or administer first aid?

No.

What's that got to do with earwigging strangers on the bus and deciding you no better?

Good question. I find it intrusive.

I'm minding my own business and someone comes along and intrudes on my headspace.

If I'm at my gym, my running club, my workplace - all areas where I'm competent because I've taken the time to learn what I'm doing - then I find it exceptionally intrusive if someone invades my space to lecture me.

I hate how scared everyone is of giving advice in this culture cos of this attitude.

The number of times I've realised later that people around me got something that i didn't but never told me... wish they had... how could it not be helpful for people to share their experiences? How else do humans learn but from each other?

I don't like unsolicited advice . A pp hit the nail on the head when they said it often comes across as criticism.

Some people are just being obtuse @camillax I can only assume it makes them feel important, the same way as giving their unsolicited advise does. Best to just bear them no mind.

It really annoys me too, although I think there's a difference between unhelpful unsolicited advice, for example I have a friend who I can't bear to go shopping with because she's constantly trying to find me the thing that I want and pointing out really unsuitable stuff, versus genuinely helpful advice, for example the volunteers at the hospital who told me the best technique for pushing the unwieldy wheelchairs. I'm pretty sure mine comes from overbearing parents who wouldn't let me get on with things and always thought they had the right way to do everything, I'm in my mid 50s and my mum still tries to give me advice about things like shopping, going out in the rain, and how to drive anywhere in the town I grew up in and live in now! It drives me up the wall.

That makes sense. What's the emotion? Anger, shame, something else?

(Last post was harsher than I meant sorry! I have opposite experience!!)

@coastalhawk I think they learn by building connections with others and have conversations? Or by asking for advice? By trying new things? Just by being exposed to new situations? People do ask 'can you let me know if, when, how ..?' Its just part of each person's autonomy.

Exasperation, mostly! Because I'm in a particular headspace and absorbed in what I'm doing (or looking forward to it) then I have to change gears to accommodate someone else's intrusive ego.

Sorry OP didn’t realise posts had to be restricted to your experience in your exercise class. Noted.

Also noted is that you won’t answer my questions, which suggests to me that you probably do give unsolicited advice yourself from time to time or have realised your irritation with people offering advice is more about your own character flaws than theirs.

I strongly advise you to reflect on that 😂

Thanks for that!! I never knew .. really useful x

^

I don't think you're wrong to be annoyed by unsolicited advice. I find it very irritating because I think it's rude and often tends to suggest the advice giver thinks you're an idiot.

Actually yeah I think unnecessary advice is the annoying one!