Anyone else really struggle with unsolicited advice? Help me to be less prickly, please!!

[camillax]

I really, really struggle with unsolicited advice.

I realise this is generally a me problem (unless someone is doing it as a dominance display, which usually isn't the case, I think it usually comes from kindness).

But I really struggle with people assuming I don't know how to do something and telling me what to do, when I haven't asked for their advice.

Example, I moved house recently and changed gyms. Went to a Les Mills class at the new gym (for context if anyone don't know, Les Mills classs run internationally so you can go to pretty much any gym in the world and if you do a LM class you've done before you basically know what to expect).

Anyway. This other lady in the class (not the instructor) buzzed over, 'noticed' I was new and started giving me her advice on how to do the class (I've been doing BodyPump for 3 years, I don't need to do the entire class on beginner weights, which is what she felt the need to tell me to do).

It just made me really prickly. The class hadn't started. I knew how to set up. Why did she feel she needed to come and tell me what to do?

But more importantly why did something so minor piss me off?

Does anybody else get stupidly irritated by this kind of thing?

100%

Thank you

Well - this is doesn't apply to all the situations described here , but if I were given unsolicited advice I would just say Thank you with a breezy smile & get on with whatever I was doing.

I think the giving of unsolicited advice or instructing people needlessly comes from different places, although mist people who do it are probably unaware of what they're doing and how bloody irritating they are.

I used to walk with a stick due to a medical condition. You wouldn't believe the number of men (always men) who told me when it was safe to cross the road. They had no idea of my walking speed or anything, as we stood at the kerb, waiting for the lights to change. 'Come on, we can cross now' they'd say, dodging the traffic as I insisted on waiting for the green man.

The other thing that happens to me is people assume a low level of knowledge, so they'll translate bits of French, for instance, that crop up in films or whatever. I wouldn't assume others' knowledge in that way.

I know why I don't like it - because it makes me feel like the other person thinks I'm some kind of half wit.

But obviously they often don't know what I already know, or don't, about the topic. I work in HR and had a manager in the business explaining restrictive covenants to me at length the other day. I had to say "I know, it's my job to write them". Not just annoying but he was wasting my time with his wibbling on for no reason (he had asked me if we could enforce a contract clause).

And just today, I was doing a two second job of putting a picture up in the downstairs loo when my dp came along, made some comment and helpfully turned the light on "for me" which almost blinded me as I was looking upwards, which was dangerous because I had a bloody hammer in my hand. After I'd done it, he came in and said "don't you want it a bit higher" to which I said no, if I had wanted if higher I would have put it higher. And I was very close to telling him to piss off (we don't live together btw).

All I hear from these encounters is "I know better than you". And it really winds me up.

Bossy mother - bingo.

Presumably all of those giving you this unsolicited advice have come across as bossy

I don’t mind a bit of unsolicited advice and I would have been grateful for @catscalledbeanz input in that situation, that would come under banner of helpful information, same for alerting me to shoe laces or any other impending danger. It’s usually when it’s basic common sense, or the advice giver cannot accept they’re wrong that I have a problem with. I have a former best friend that used to give out her unwanted opinions and advice on a range of topics from health to how to run a business ( she has never been a business owner, or a doctor)
On the surface she came across as friendly and helpful, but the more you got to know her the more arrogant and controlling she was.

What a ridiculous thread …in a nutshell I think that OP and others just think that they no best about their own interests. Weirdly even if people think they are experts about their own interests,other people can give a different perspective.
My husband is a very experienced mountaineer,climbing is his life and he has written books,but I have given him advice about his wellbeing,along with other friends. He has not felt even remotely offended 🤷‍♀️

People are so weird about their right to give their opinions
you can see that on this thread with the dramatic responses.

i don’t think you need to feel bad op, people giving unsolicited advice are rude and annoying. It assumes that they know (your situation) best, and that you give a fuck about their opinion.
and it’s typically absolute useless nonsense that’s being spouted as though it’s words of wisdom being gifted upon you, or as though you’re a silly child being scolded.
i think being irritated is a proportional reaction to that

Well I'm married to a person who does this all the time and it drives me nuts and I want to punch him in the face tbh.
I've been driving for 40 years but he still wants to give me the benefit of his experience all the time. Same with having a shower or feeding the dog or peeling a vegetable. It's like a control thing and we've almost come to blows over it.

I have honestly found this thread so interesting. I clicked on it initially because I do find unsolicited advice irritating at times and agree that many of these examples are bad. Equally I think some are fine and wouldn't annoy me and I'm aware that I am sometimes in the advice giving position. I think when I am I try to do it in a supportive and as non intrusive way as possible but I do still sometimes do it. I'm trying to work out what are acceptable and unacceptable times but I think in part it's tricky because it looks like people do have quite different ideas about what is ok or not. I definitely relate to the idea that unsolicited advice can make you feel like the advice giver thinks you're stupid or useless and that can be annoying, especially if it is someone whose opinion you care about. My sister often assumes I don't know stuff and explains it to me and I generally just say 'Yes, I know that' but it can be difficult to respond that way without sounding arsey. I think as with most things it is probably about balance and about how you do it, but I can see not everyone would agree. I would probably have mentioned to the lady with the twisted baby sling strap and asked if she wanted me to help her with it. I would probably have said, 'I can see your sling strap is twisted, would you like me to help?' and I'm sure I would have jumped in on the museum example too. I acknowledge I like to help people but I also feel very strongly about community and others helping people too. I can think of many examples of kind strangers giving me both practical help and advice over the years and also times when they have been annoying or I have felt they have over stepped. It's interesting, to me anyway, to try to pinpoint the differences in those situations but I suspect the line is different for everyone.

Giving your DH advice about his wellbeing isn’t remotely what the OP is talking about. Presumably (unless you’re also an experienced mountain climber) you don’t give him and his friends advice about the technical aspects of a difficult climb?

Recently I lost my mother to vascular dementia. The end was brutal and it had been difficult for quite a while. My Dad is in his 90s, lives on his own. I'm an only child, I live over 200 miles from them and I work full time. My only child is an adult and lives a similar distance away in a different direction. So my life is busy and stressful. But the unsolicited advice I keep getting, well meaning though it is is very difficult to handle.

It's all about context surely. Unsolicited advice in the gym is annoying and intrusive. Telling someone coming out of the loo that their skirt is in their knickers is kind. So I'd have no issue with the museum being closed example but the Les Mills one would really irritate me, especially as I'm a qualified PT. I do a lot of classes for my own health and when I go to a new one, get a lot of 'help' from regulars thinking it is my first time, even when I explain I know what I'm doing.

God I was pissed and antagonistic last night. Arguing in an empty room about nothing. Sorry all 🤣

Sending you a big hug, that's exactly how I felt when I read it!

Also read (on Twitter, could be shite) that never asking for help is actually a trauma response to your childhood, so along similar lines. I certainly seize up when someone suggests I ask for help with something. My immediate response is 'absolutely no way will I be doing that, why are we even talking about it'. Oh dear. It does explain a lot about me 😭

Asking for help or advice is one thing. Offering help is another thing. Both are healthy, constructive interventions. So is assisting in a life-threatening emergency, with consent if it can be given. Plonking your uninvited advice or person on a situation is rude, intrusive, and all about using others for your own needs.

It's a matter of consent. Some of these replies read similar to blokes whining that they'll never have a relationship if they have to worry about consent!

Oh no! I'm a teacher and seriously doubting how irritating I am when giving unsolicited advice when telling my students they need to study like this, study harder, how to incorporate healthy study habits, what I think they need to work on, lecturing them on their bad habits eeek. Come to think of it, I'm a parent too - all the healthy wholesome habits of brushing teeth, regulating snacks, etc I'm sure would come across as irritating unsolicited advice. I hope I'm not risking them going no contact with me in future. I'm starting to think I should keep my mouth shut on all things, unless they ask how exactly they should wipe their bottoms.

I wouldn't worry, @Soggycocopops. They'll have tuned out your revision hectoring after the first time, and your DC will let you know when your health reminders have become redundant! It'll look like this -> 😏🙄😣😠🤪