Anyone else really struggle with unsolicited advice? Help me to be less prickly, please!!

[camillax]

I really, really struggle with unsolicited advice.

I realise this is generally a me problem (unless someone is doing it as a dominance display, which usually isn't the case, I think it usually comes from kindness).

But I really struggle with people assuming I don't know how to do something and telling me what to do, when I haven't asked for their advice.

Example, I moved house recently and changed gyms. Went to a Les Mills class at the new gym (for context if anyone don't know, Les Mills classs run internationally so you can go to pretty much any gym in the world and if you do a LM class you've done before you basically know what to expect).

Anyway. This other lady in the class (not the instructor) buzzed over, 'noticed' I was new and started giving me her advice on how to do the class (I've been doing BodyPump for 3 years, I don't need to do the entire class on beginner weights, which is what she felt the need to tell me to do).

It just made me really prickly. The class hadn't started. I knew how to set up. Why did she feel she needed to come and tell me what to do?

But more importantly why did something so minor piss me off?

Does anybody else get stupidly irritated by this kind of thing?

Oh the irony. The fact you are clearly so triggered by the thread and lack of response from the OP suggests that you are perhaps reaching the realisation that the advice you give to others is often unsolicited and unwelcome. Hence your attacking and defensive stance.

Reflection does not appear to be your forte.

Op- sorry to potentially derail further, and please feel free to ignore me, but your particular situation has triggered a thought for me. In the gym I'm almost inept. I know how to do the basic things I was taught at induction but no more. Except for some machines where I have seen other women using, and have - invading their headspace and their own workout- politely asked them to show me how to work said machine when they've finished their set. This approach has always , from my perspective , gone down well- the women have always helped me and offered lots of advice and been nothing but supportive and kind to me . My question then is - particularly in a gym type setting- is asking for unsolicited advice equally as bad? As I'm committing the same sin of interfering and interrupting their headspace?

Do you ever help people OP? Not just when directly asked to do so, but when you observe that someone might need help (checking they want it first).

Surely if you didn’t get that thing you didn’t know then you would just ask?

Sharing experiences is a great thing when it’s part of a conversation or where one person understands the other and knows the level of their experience, their preferences, likes etc. When that relationship doesn’t exist and one party decides to foist their experience on another without that knowledge (as per the OP’s gym lady) or without first checking their experience/opinion is wanted then it’s intrusive, interfering and unnecessary.

Of course, if someone is literally about to bleed to death then that’s a different matter (although that’s not what the OP is about obviously)

I'm going to answer your question in good faith.

If I see someone stuggling with heavy bags/pushchairs etc I hold doors open for them. That's not advice, though, is it?

We're talking about unasked for advice in this thread. Not practical assistance. So what's your point?

Assistance example: holding open a door for someone with an armful of shopping

Advice example: shouting at a person with armful of shopping "you should have got a basket."

All this crap about bleeding and wounds and never helping etc is a straw man extravaganza.

I can't even with this thread anymore.

I don't think I can answer this not knowing your gym, but all of this should have been covered in your induction and honestly while I'd be happy to help you should be asking the qualified and insured gym instructors for your own safety.

I don't think I am that bothered about strangers giving me the odd bit of unsolicited advice - either take or ignore depending on situation! However I have a friend who always goes straight to offering advice/opinions framed as advice on any thing you tell her. She seems to essentially see herself as expert in everything even when other people in the room are vastly more qualified on certain topics. I wouldn't say it makes me angry though but I recognise it is quite annoying.

I have a friend that does this, even about things I obviously know more about (because I'm involved in them). Never ever does she say I don't know, she just has an opinion and/or advice on everything. Tells me what I need to do etc. It drives me round the bend and I find it deeply irritating however she's my friend so I try to ignore it because she's like it with everyone.

I would assume this comes from a place where you struggle with advice because you confuse it with criticism.

Most people give unsolicited advice, it’s almost unavoidable by our nature because we relate to people based on our experiences don’t we. So it’s very normal for people to offer opinion or “advice” as a way to build common ground / connection, a lot of the time it’s totally unconscious.

of course there are those bossy twats, but most people are just generally kind and nice and well meaning. I think you probably see it as a criticism and this makes you defensive and cranky.

working on your self esteem may offer you more accepting of “advice” because you’d be way more nonchalant about it, your confidence in yourself would allow you to just nod and smile or politely redirect the conversation (where the person is not an arsehole mansplainer!)

Most people give unsolicited advice, it’s almost unavoidable by our nature because we relate to people based on our experiences don’t we. So it’s very normal for people to offer opinion or “advice” as a way to build common ground / connection, a lot of the time it’s totally unconscious

Do you honestly think that most people would give the kind of unsolicited advice the OP described? The 2 instances the OP described didn’t warrant any interference from either the lady at the gym or at the letting agents.

If I think back to the interactions I’ve had today I can see there were at least 3 occasions when I could have foisted my advice on others but I didn’t - no-one looked like they needed it or wanted it. They were dealing with it in their own time in their own way.

I’m exactly the same as you OP. It instantly gets my back up if I feel I’m being told what I should be doing. I get it all the time now I’m a mum, especially from MIL and I really struggle. I’m certain she’s seen me giving eyeballs towards my husband multiple times.
funnily enough I also had it in the gym recently. I changed sessions of one of the circuits I do to a different time. Woman in there assumed I was brand new and started trying to give me newbie tips. I wanted to scream “I’ve been here for a year lady, and I pay the trainer to critique my form, not you!”.

the issue is definitely a “me” thing, I just don’t know why or how to stop it bothering me so much.

If you look back through the thread you will see that I said I give unsolicited advice and sometimes it is not appreciated. So would you say reading is not your forte?

It seems this is one of those threads where the OP doesn’t want posts with points of view that are different to hers. She certainly doesn’t like answering questions.

Do you think the person on the other thread shouldn’t have told her husband that Excel adds up numbers?

I think it usually comes from kindness

No it doesn't. It usually comes from a desire to show off. I used to do it all the time. It took me years of effort to stop myself.

I hate it as well.

I have a bag where the front pocket zip is broken. Consequently I never put anything in there but I do still use the bag. The number of people who tap me on the shoulder to tell me my bag is open is infuriating. I have to remind myself that they each think they're being helpful, but it is so irritating!

Another one who hates unsolicited advice - it does feel intrusive and a bit controlling.
I also have an overbearing mother who treated me like I didn’t know what I was doing. This has made me wonder if I gave off a feeling to others that I wasn’t quite sure so others would then give me unsolicited advice too. I cut contact with my mum about nine years ago and I’ve noticed I don’t get anywhere near the amount of unsolicited advice now compared to years ago.

Weirdly I had an incident today which wasn’t so much unsolicited advice but I did feel judged about the way I was doing something. I was using my phone to pay for some shopping when another customer started a bit of a rant about how everyone uses their phones these days and how she prefers to use cash. The customer was actually in front of me and had just paid for her shopping but she must have seen me get my phone out, but I can’t work out how she was affected by whichever method I choose to pay with? Did wonder if she felt threatened by me choosing a different method of payment to her and therefore had to be very firm with everyone around her over what her preferred method was.

I meant ‘help’ as a catch all for advice and practical assistance. I wasn’t being critical. But I guess you are right, advice is not necessarily helpful.

You are clearly a wise and thoughtful person. Probably far deeper thinking than most people so I would say you are analysing others behaviour and finding more explanation than there is.

Most people do innocently offer unsolicited advice on occasion, without really thinking too much about it. They would be aghast at the meaning you’re reading into their behaviour.

So I’m going to guess you’re an intelligent person who thinks more deeply than others. Yet you think of it as a criticism of you. Reframing might help.

The Excel example is nothing like the OP, just as the previous nonsensical example someone gave of bleeding to death bears no resemblance to what the OP describes.

Presumably in the Excel case she said something like ‘do you know there’s an auto sum that adds the numbers in a couple of seconds? I can show you if you like’ and not something like ‘don’t use a calculator, you’re doing it wrong. Use Excel’ and presumably she knew that her DH doesn’t actually prefer using a calculator and instead would probably appreciate the time saving’.

@LoadsToLose people innocently offering advice really just means that they have no awareness of why they are doing it. And this doesn't absolve them of accountability.

What makes you think I’m interested in answering your deliberately obtuse questions? Previous posters have clearly described why you are being ridiculous. Why not demonstrate your fantastic reading skills by giving those a read. You might learn something 😊

Sure, but you can’t stop people giving unsolicited advice. You can only control your response to it. Why bother wasting your energy/ emotions getting annoyed with them?

I too experience unsolicited advice, but it doesn’t annoy me. If they’re not a person I value the opinion of, I just sort of glaze over or politely excuse myself/ change the subject. I let it wash over me, ignore and move on. I wouldn’t take them to task over it / react passively aggressively as I wouldn’t care that much.

@LoadsToLose yes agree. I believe someone already answered it needs work on self esteem. That's certainly the case for me. OP has other reasons though why it bothers them which I can't relate to as my experience is different.

@LoadsToLose I find you emotional detachment from these situations inspiring btw. I wish I could do that! But not yet.

But you obviously do care @LoadsToLose - otherwise you wouldn’t excuse yourself, glaze over or change the subject. You are subconsciously reacting to them by acknowledging they are people whose opinions you don’t value and that their advice is unwelcome.

@Lurkingandlearning your questions seem like a mad waste of my time, since they have little to do with the thread. But here goes:

But you didn’t answer my questions.

Do you really just stand there watching someone make a fuck up of something or hurt themselves when you could help them avoid doing so?

Define a 'fuck up'. For example I can watch someone make dinner in a way I wouldn't make it and not feel the need to hector and jump in and jab their cooking with a spoon. Is that a helpful answer?

If I could see someone was going to seriously hurt themselves I would intervene. If I felt my child might scrape their knee in the park because they were running around I wouldn't force them to sit on a bench. Do you see how broad your questions are as to be useless to the thread?

And when they are disappointed or bleeding, how do you feel?

I can live just fine with someone else's disappointment over a meal that isn't quite as they'd hope it was. I think that's normal?

Who is bleeding in this cavernous scenario? How do I feel when my child scrapes a knee and bleeds? Inwardly sad but also happy when they pick themselves up and keep going? Devastated when they lose a limb, I guess.

Follow on questions…. Do you keep quiet about them applying pressure to the wound if it seems they don’t know they should?

What wound are we now talking about?

I give up on the last question because you haven't even bothered to give the hypothetical scenario to which it relates.

I can't engage with your questions because none of them - not one - makes any sense.

Do you feel seen and heard now?