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Sex/gender disappointment- why is it always boys?

131 replies

Beautifulsunflowers · 26/03/2024 20:41

I’m just interested- I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread where the poster is disappointed at having a girl.

Surely there’s always a 50/50 chance of either sex.

I post this as the mother of two boys so maybe there’s something I’m missing. Im not trying to be goady - I’m genuinely curious.

i struggled with infertility and after successful ivf I was just so thrilled to be having a baby I really didn’t mind what sex I had.
Further ivf attempts failed so we went through the adoption process and the social worker asked us if we would like a girl as we already had a boy - she thought a girl would make our family complete - I told her that I just wanted a second child to complete our family, to be a sibling to our son. I couldn’t understand deciding on a second child but only wanting a particular sex.
In the event I discovered I was pregnant just before facing panel. I got my second child to complete my family - a second boy. I was delighted! I’d have been delighted either way.

So I’m just really interested in what makes people disappointed in having a boy? It does make me feel upset when I read those posts, as though boys are second best and not as valued as girls.

OP posts:
TheHeadOfTheHouse · 26/03/2024 20:47

I think it’s generally because women post on here and not men.

in real life I’ve noticed that women want a girl and men want a boy.

i also think boys are stereotyped as being slower than girls to do things, harder to toilet train, take longer to mature, rough etc.

also some conditions like ADHD and Autism are more common in boys etc, so I do think people have a negative perception of a boy.

Delatron · 26/03/2024 20:51

I have never understood this either - but I guess I secretly wanted a boy! And I got 2. Then I get people asking if I am sad not to have a daughter. Not really.

DH wanted girls. So we were completely the opposite of what is ‘normal’.

NahNeedsGarlic · 26/03/2024 20:51

No idea. Boys are awesome.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

GoodnightAdeline · 26/03/2024 20:54

Look at how men are discussed on here as a group. Is it a surprise women worry about raising them? We can’t say how awful men are in one breath and in the next insist we don’t know why some women would prefer to raise girls.

In my case, I was also worried about the possibility of SEN/autism as it seems to be much higher in boys (or if did, girls seem to be catching up now). But the majority of children I know with behavioural issues are boys.

YouveGotAFastCar · 26/03/2024 20:54

in real life I’ve noticed that women want a girl and men want a boy.

Interesting. This is true of a few couples I know, but I definitely know a few couples where the man is keen for a daughter, too.

I suspect a lot of people just get sucked into the convention/societal urge for “one of each”.

lochmaree · 26/03/2024 20:54

I've noticed this also OP and find it strange. But I also have 2 lovely boys. People seem to think we will have another to 'try for a girl' but we arent. I had a moment of thinking it would be a shame that we won't raise a girl, but not in any significant way.

MondieBee · 26/03/2024 20:54

I think women often want girls. After all, girls are what we know. We know what it is to be a daughter. There's also a lot of single parents out there so a lot of girls who've grown up with just their mum. So again a daughter sort of feels right.

I was brought up by a single mum and have two sisters, five female cousins etc. So I was just convinced I would have a girl... I've got two boys. Luckily I wasn't disappointed. We're thinking about trying for a third child and I have to say I have in mind again that I'll have a girl this time. I don't know why! I'll probably have another boy.

My friends with daughters, it does seem easier when they're little. Teen years on the other hand..

Lemonademoney · 26/03/2024 20:55

It always makes me feel sad. I’ve experienced a lot of negativity from other people by having three (brilliant) boys. People love to make you feel bad.

BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 20:56

For us it was the other way around.

I have both but I think boys are awesome.

My DD is incredible too but I feel I have to defend boys more since more seem to want to have a girl.

Avopopcorn · 26/03/2024 20:58

I thought my second was a boy and I was delighted. My first born is the best little boy in the world. When I found out I was having a girl it took me a bit to get my head around. She's fabulous of course, but I'd have been thrilled with another boy. I don't get it.

ssd · 26/03/2024 20:58

Men get a really bad wrap on mn, its no wonder boys get the same.

KalaMush · 26/03/2024 20:59

I agree with pp that a lot of women want a girl and men want a boy (and more women post on here). I think it's to do with imagining a "mini me" so men think about playing football with their son and women picture their daughter's wedding day or something. Massive generalisations of course.

Neodymium · 26/03/2024 20:59

My first was a boy. I really wanted a boy, and I would have been really disappointed if I had a girl. I also wanted to have a boy for my second too as I wanted brothers, and again, I think I would have been disappointed if I had a girl. My 3rd is a girl, I was expecting another boy. My dh wanted a girl so I was glad to have a girl then for him.

JudyP · 26/03/2024 21:01

I have 2 boys and am 100% happy but when the second one surprised us I had about 60 seconds of - ah well so no hair grips and ribbons and dresses or girly things - silly I know but fleetingly there - but it wasn't disappointing to have a boy just a momentary pang for what I wouldn't have ( we only wanted 2 ) but my mother and MIL were much more disappointed as we only have boys in the family and I think they also saw the lack of girls in their futures - but 2 boys are the best now that I am 16 years into having 2!

NahNeedsGarlic · 26/03/2024 21:02

Also growing up I was the only girl in my generation on both sides of the family, so I was used to being around boys. Girls were some weird alien concept for quite a few years, most of my childhood friends were male. 😂

JudyP · 26/03/2024 21:02

To add to my post what I mean is that 2 of any sex might leave just a slight tug at the heart strings as to what will not be now that your family is complete

LadyDaisy42 · 26/03/2024 21:02

We have boys, and I'm not disappointed by them, they're my absolute world, I just wanted to also be a mother to a daughter. I don't want to be the only female in my household. When I was expecting DS2 we had a private gender scan and the woman doing the scan said to me that, having another boy means I'm "the odd one out". I'm baffled that she honestly couldn't have thought of anything more positive to say. My SIL has the only girl in the family and its blatantly obvious who my MIL favours amongst the grandchildren. Like others have hinted at, it's often the comments and actions from others that put a negative perception on raising boys.

VivaVivaa · 26/03/2024 21:04

4 years ago, I wouldn’t have had a clue. With lashings of hindsight and after 2 boys, I reckon, almost always subconsciously:

Lots of women have a fantastic, close relationship with their own mother and want to emulate that.

Most women gravitate towards other women for friendship and feel they understand women more.

Girls are often seen as ‘easier’ and quicker to develop when little (The interplay of genetic differences vs social conditioning is a whole other topic for debate!)

Lots of women don’t have a good relationship with their in-laws and worry about taking on this role in the future.

‘Boys toys’ are often marketed as aggressive, loud, messy and requiring loads of parental input. ‘Girls toys’ are quiet and lovely and can be done independently. Again playing into the narrative about girls being easier.

They’re the main ones I reckon.

Gottagottachchch · 26/03/2024 21:04

It is strange, and maybe to do with men in general getting a bad wrap and being bunched together, and also women maybe wanting girls? It’s definitely a modern thing though and in a way shows how much times have changed that people actually want girl babies now…whereas through most of history people only wanted boys, to the extent that baby girls were put out on mountainsides to die! Perhaps it’s their turn to be the preferred sex in terms of babies 😂🤷‍♀️🤔

Rainyspringflowers · 26/03/2024 21:08

I’m just interested- I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread where the poster is disappointed at having a girl.

I have, although it’s not hugely common. I think that’s because it’s a female dominated site. I know a lot of my friends partners have a strong preference for boys after a girl first time.

Surely there’s always a 50/50 chance of either sex.

If your odds of winning the lottery was 1 in 2, you’d probably go for it. Probably a bad example but there’s a good chance you’ll get what you ‘want.’

I post this as the mother of two boys so maybe there’s something I’m missing. Im not trying to be goady - I’m genuinely curious.

i struggled with infertility and after successful ivf I was just so thrilled to be having a baby I really didn’t mind what sex I had.

The opposite is often true for babies conceived after some difficulty. There’s some research on it, I will try to find it.

Further ivf attempts failed so we went through the adoption process and the social worker asked us if we would like a girl as we already had a boy - she thought a girl would make our family complete - I told her that I just wanted a second child to complete our family, to be a sibling to our son. I couldn’t understand deciding on a second child but only wanting a particular sex.

Again though, this isn’t really what happens in the wild so to speak. In the western world anyway, girls are favoured over boys for adoption to the point where I believe there is a waiting list for healthy girls under two (or certainly used to be.)

In the event I discovered I was pregnant just before facing panel. I got my second child to complete my family - a second boy. I was delighted! I’d have been delighted either way.

Congratulations Flowers

So I’m just really interested in what makes people disappointed in having a boy? It does make me feel upset when I read those posts, as though boys are second best and not as valued as girls

It’s a really complex one and the problem is there isn’t an ‘answer’, or at least, not a definitive one which addresses all situations and people in those situations.

There is, or can be, a very shallow sort of view relating to pink dresses and so on and I’m not going to say that no one longs for a girl for those reasons as I am sure they do, but I know so many intelligent, thoughtful, educated women who have admitted either a longing for a girl (they have stressed this is a fictitious as well as not instead of their boys) or relief and delight when they had a daughter. I would consider myself in that last category. I got pregnant for the final time in October 22. I was 42, so just seeing the two lines was a ‘wow.’ I also knew I would be unlikely to see them again even if it had been a good idea, so it was definitely my last baby.

As the pregnancy went on I did have this real longing for a girl. I barely even considered it might not be. My head did - kept mentally correcting my pronouns and telling myself it was probably a boy and I just didn’t know how I’d feel. My real worry was being told it’s a boy and feeling sadness then guilt for being sad at a beautiful baby … I was actually worried about it right up until I went in for my c section when I realised I adored whoever was inside me whatever the sex.

But as to why, I think there are societal and personal reasons. I do think people forget that we often don’t know how we’ll feel until we’re in a certain moment.

Oversharingsonewusernamehaha · 26/03/2024 21:12

I had 2 boys, we were fortunate to get pregnant a 3rd time. It wasn't to have a girl, it was to have 3 children. We had a girl. She's lovely, but I'm so fed up of the "I bet you're relieved" comments. I nod along to not be confrontational, but I find it so disrespectful to my beautiful boys. All are precious gifts and my eldest son and daughter are more alike than the 2 boys.

BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 21:14

Don't be nodding along @Oversharingsonewusernamehaha . Defend and own your boys.

Oversharingsonewusernamehaha · 26/03/2024 21:15

BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 21:14

Don't be nodding along @Oversharingsonewusernamehaha . Defend and own your boys.

Sometimes I do, but not always. Especially at a checkout or something. It happens so much!

Iwantmybed · 26/03/2024 21:17

I had this! Wanted a boy, convinced I was having a boy. Finding out I was having a girl took me weeks to adjust to.

MorrisZapp · 26/03/2024 21:17

I wanted a girl because I am one. I had a boy instead and it was a shock (yes, despite the obvious odds). I love him beyond measure now of course, wouldn't change a thing. But he didn't feel 'mine' straight away.