Sex/gender disappointment- why is it always boys?

[Beautifulsunflowers]

I’m just interested- I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread where the poster is disappointed at having a girl.

Surely there’s always a 50/50 chance of either sex.

I post this as the mother of two boys so maybe there’s something I’m missing. Im not trying to be goady - I’m genuinely curious.

i struggled with infertility and after successful ivf I was just so thrilled to be having a baby I really didn’t mind what sex I had.
Further ivf attempts failed so we went through the adoption process and the social worker asked us if we would like a girl as we already had a boy - she thought a girl would make our family complete - I told her that I just wanted a second child to complete our family, to be a sibling to our son. I couldn’t understand deciding on a second child but only wanting a particular sex.
In the event I discovered I was pregnant just before facing panel. I got my second child to complete my family - a second boy. I was delighted! I’d have been delighted either way.

So I’m just really interested in what makes people disappointed in having a boy? It does make me feel upset when I read those posts, as though boys are second best and not as valued as girls.

I have two boys. First time round I think I secretly hoped it was a boy but didn’t find out until birth, but second time we found out at the 20 week scan and I was a tiny bit disappointed to find it wasn’t one of each. I think there’s a bit of me thinking the mitochondrial DNA passed only from mother to child has come down these countless generations and it ends with me. Plus I am outnumbered at home and there’s nothing pink in the whole house! But I see my friends who have girls really struggling with so many of the issues girls have and raising boys does feel more straightforward on the whole. They are super loving and there’s a lot to be said for having two of the same sex (both enjoy football and gaming, hand me downs etc).

Oh and I had a lovely afternoon out last weekend with my teenage son clothes shopping and going for coffee so it’s definitely possible! (I don’t <think> he’s gay but who knows, and don’t mind either way, of course!)

With a name change, I'll bite. My Dad was a dick to my mum. My brother is a dick. My stepbrother is a gaping asshole. I have been abused and assaulted by men, and I didn't want to raise someone to abuse and assault others, but I didn't feel I had any good model for how to raise a decent man. Finding out I was having a boy was fucking terrifying. Every time someone on here says "oh, women should be ashamed of wanting girls" it infuriates me, as there is no recognition of the trauma with which some women come to parenting.

So far so good with my lovely boy, and I now have one of each, but I find it really difficult to balance teaching them how to be in a world which tells my son he's entitled to everything he wants, and my daughter she's entitled to nothing.

I think it’s just because people are more likely (not always) to want a child of the same gender as them, and it’s women who are more likely to be posting online about gender disappointment. I think men are just as likely to be disappointed at not having a boy, but you might not hear about it as much.

Personally I don’t understand it either. I’ve longed for my own baby for as long as I can remember. I also had pretty terrible anxiety during my pregnancy and spent every day convinced I was going to lose the baby at any moment. When my son was born I felt nothing but relief that he was safe and healthy. It had never even occurred to me to have a preference for a boy or a girl.

I have 3 daughters, two of whom are teens. I love them to bits, but must have been a serial killer in another life
I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a boy, to balance things out. I wonder if they'd be more affectionate than my girls, who aren't in the least bit huggy.
So I'm very pro girl but not at all anti boy!

There are globally 90-100 million 'missing' women because of infanticide, sex-selective abortion and neglect of girls.

Women in the West may express a preference for girls but they aren't killing little boys because of sex disappointment.

There are so many social, genetic and cultural differences in being and raising a male is it any wonder we're more likely to gravitate towards the familiar?

I had no preference either way when I was pregnant neither did DH (who had a DD from a previous relationship).

What was weird though was I was sure I was carrying a boy. I just "felt" it.

At the scan they said it was a girl and I was really surprised/shocked.....I wouldn't say disappointed at all.

A few minutes later and baby decided to move and lo and behold - yes it was a boy.

Thing is in those few minutes I knew it would be ok even if it wasn't what I expected. I just needed to readjust.

I've honestly never felt the need to "complete" my family by having a girl. In part because I got the opportunity to step parent my DSD. Different to being her mother of course but it didn't make me want a DD of my own.

In deciding to get pregnant I just wanted to be a parent. End of.

I feel lucky to have had a healthy child and the opportunity to be part of DSD's life.

I genuinely find this whole "gender disappointment" thing odd. Especially when families go on to have many, many children until they get "the right one".

It's bloody awful in the context of a friend whose parents had 4 girls before getting their "golden child" boy.

The girls were second best after he was born and despite them all doing well academically/career/socially and him being (put nicely) an absolute screw up who thinks the world owes him a living and is gods gift yet still lives with (and steals from) his parents, is the the apple of their eye (and they wonder why their daughters don't want to help them as they get older and "support" their brother and keep them at arms length).

I'm always a bit worried about people who want a boy/girl rather than a child if I'm honest.

I've also name changed to give my thoughts on this one. As some of it might be recognisable.

So, I wanted a girl.

Don't get me wrong, I'd have been absolutely delighted by any child I'd have been lucky enough to have (especially after miscarriage before eventually having my daughter).

But if I was completely honest, and looked myself in the mirror, I did, absolutely want a girl.

Why? Few reasons.

The first one was that DH already has two boys from his previous marriage. And there was just this bit of me that felt like having a girl would be new. I was (wrongly) worried that having done it all before, he'd somehow be the knowledgeable one, with all the experience. And I thought a daughter would be different and something that we were doing together for the first time. That's probably really shallow and stupid, but it was definitely there.

The second is that I am a girl. I went to an all girls school. I have lived my life around women, and I think I have some understanding of what it is to raise a woman. Whereas the idea of a boy was scary and unknown. Even really small things like how do you teach them to pee standing up? And When? Etc. I didn't have that instinct of what it is to be a good mother of a boy.

Third and final personal one for me. I have a spectacular relationship with my mother, and we are so, so, so close. My father is a dickhead, awful man, who I avoid as much as possible. I think psychologically that plays into something about closeness with mothers. And the idea I'd have a daughter who was as close to me as I am to my mother.

That's my personal ones, when I pick it apart and examine it, that's what I think was going on.

On a societal level. As PPs have said, the first and most important thing to mention is that on a global scale and a historical scale, the preference has been overwhelmingly for boys. So while it is a trend on mumsnet (and maybe in the UK to a degree) it's very localised to this time and place.

Several causes I can think of.

• I do think there is a truth to women wanting men and men wanting boys sometimes, because it is far easier to imagine raising a child who is like you and will go through broadly the same biological and emotional milestones that you went through. And of course there are far more women than men on mumsnet, and I think women are more likely to examine and worry about and discuss these things.

• there is definitely a thing some people have drilled in about what happens when they are grown up and married. PPs have mentioned the often-fraught MIL / DIL relationship, but even on just a basic level, so many men are really shit at this stuff (and have been in the past).

Think how many women are either doing all the emotional labour for their husbands or refusing to do it (so it doesn't get done). Even my DH who I love dearly, has been saying "we must visit my mother" for over a year now. But has he organised it? No.

I call my mother weekly. I see her at least once a month, usually more. I put my daughter on FaceTime to her regularly.

I ask my husband regularly if he's called his mum, and occasionally remind him to organise going down. But I'm a new mum with a full time job, and I refuse to add that emotional labour to my list.

Basically lots of men (Not all Men) are crap at this stuff, and have always been crap at this stuff. And I do think there is a certain fear of losing sons when they get older.

• the other one which PP mentioned is that a huge number of women have been assaulted and traumatised by men. There's no getting away from that. And it is hardly surprising that those women may want a girl. Or be really worried about how to raise a good man, when so many people have failed at that.

• there is possibly a societal thing about girls being easier. Although actually everyone I know tends to generalise that girls are easier when small and much more terrifying as teenagers. So, I don't put much weight behind that one.

People talk about the clothes / toys thing, but I don't buy that. I certainly believe that some people think it's more fun to buy girl clothes (I do, and my friend who loves the bones of her son and wouldn't swap for a girl ever, adores being able to buy clothes for my daughter because children's girl clothes are insanely good) but I'm not sure that's a big enough thing to factor into what child you actually want.

I wanted a girl but for me it was fear of the unknown! I’m a girl, have a sister, raised by a single mum. No male cousins etc. Feñt more confident if I had a girl. This is completely irrational, obviously. Ended up having a girl so who knows what I’d be like with a little boy! I really doubt I’d have cared once I had him though.

I wasn't bothered either way but ended up with 2 of each and love it

From looking at both my Grandmothers. One only had boys and she was a lonely woman once her husband died. Her 5 sons rarely bothered with her. My other one has two daughters and three sons. DDs she talks to all the time and barely hears from her sons.
It seems the boys were lovely until they grow up and move out and then don't bother much. So that's why I really wanted a DD. My boys are lovely and I can only hope they still want to keep in contact when they are grown.

It's especially women age 60+ that comment on my 2 boys and girl. I suspect they think you'll be closer to grandchildren? My girl is much younger than the boys, so it's obvious she's last.

I've had to attend the passport office before as my mouth and eyes naturally look like i'm happy/smiling (now noted on records as all my photos used to get rejected). So I guess I walk around looking really happy, perhaps people think it's because I've got a girl after 2 boys (if they don't know me) and are emboldened to comment as I look friendly? Possibly.

Surely there’s always a 50/50 chance of either sex.

Wrong, if you have 2 of one sex 75% chance the third will be the same.
IVF babies are more likely to be boys.
What I'm not sure about is if the man has say 2 girls with one partner, does the same rule apply if he goes on to have a baby with a different partner? 🤔

also some conditions like ADHD and Autism are more common in boys etc, so I do think people have a negative perception of a boy.

ADHD and Autism are just as likely in girls, just less likely to be diagnosed.
ADHD is more likely to be inattentive type, so without the hyper bit that makes it noticed.
Girls are also better at masking / hiding their Autism. It also means that they are likely to be misdiagnosed with Anxiety rather than ASD.

I do think there are differences between boys and girls, boys seem to have more energy and want to be running around being active.
On a rainy 🌧 day boys seem to out number girls in the park. Usually because they have been far too active in the house and parents think they need to burn of energy regardless of the weather.

I also think women want girls who they hope will remain close to them as adults and do things like spa days. While men hope to have boys to go to football or play golf with.

Girls certainly get nicer clothes with prettier colours. Once you are beyond baby stage boys stuff is all boring navy, grey, sludge.

But whatever people do or say don't ever say to anyone excited to be pregnant after TTC for years that you have a preference over the sex.

It’s mostly tied up in stereotypes. Other reasons can be equally as damaging for relationships even if you get the sex of child that you want. If you have disappointment after the sex of your child, I firmly believe you need to get to the bottom of it and change how you think.

My son and daughter are both lovely, neither particularly fit the stereotype, no football mad son or shopping loving daughter here! I didn’t care what sex they were, they’re both the best kids ever produced because they’re ours! 😁

Perhaps it’s a reflection of the quality of their own relationships?

I wanted one of each.

slightly disappointed that my only one is a boy. He is wonderful, but I do worry that he will be more likely to drift from me as he gets older.

I think a girl is more likely to become a friend and/or stay close. I’m very close to my own mum, but DB is less so. He loves her but still acts like a giant man child.

I think I’m influenced by my own family- im definitely closest to the women. The men have all been rather disappointing.

you also only have to see all the problems people post on here, which often come down to a man being a bit shit/ not communicating.

Even fairly decent men seem unable to have an open and honest relationship with their mother, or keep her in line if she’s making DW uncomfortable.

and the flip side where a poster will talk about how they hardly see their GC, because their DS doesn’t ensure it happens and goes along with a DW who doesn’t want to spend time with her in - laws or include them in her kids lives.

I think in most families the grandkids are closer to the maternal grandparents because women are better at maintaining family ties.

it also makes me sad as my son is not great at texting when at his dads -‘I already feel like I’ll be chasing him to communicate as he gets older.

Exactly. Why should anyone be surprised? The kind of abuse I see boys heap upon their mothers IN PUBLIC … I almost never see from girls

I think it’s how you bring them up. Make family important, spend time together, listen to them, don’t judge, talk about anything and everything, be welcoming of their friends and partners etc.

My adult son is really close to us. He texts most days, phones us and his younger sister to chat regularly. It’s just how we are as a family. There’s no reason a son will be less close but it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, you expect it, you behave differently, it comes true.

I agree. I have 5 boys and I've never quite 'got' the disappointment

I have one DS, someone asked me if I'd try for a girl so I'd have someone to look after me in my old age 🙄

I think it depends on your background too. I know a lot of farmers. Boys are the preferred sex for many landowning families as they want someone to carry on the family name. A farmer who has only daughters usually would want a son. I know several families with three daughters and then a son.

Interested to hear of women growing up in female-dominated households wanting girls. For me, the teen years were horrendous with stroppy hormonal girls mixed in with a menopausal mum, and I say that as one of the horrid teens at the time. I was relieved to have a boy (so far) because of this.

My sister has two girls and I'll be interested to see if history repeats itself.

It feels like one of the best bits of having a boy. The teen years will have their own difficulties of course, but at least they will be novel to me and I don't have to experience what my poor Mum did.

Another here where DP would have liked a girl and I was delighted to find out we were having a boy!

I think women envisage the ‘mini me’ thing - dressing up in pretty outfits (sometimes matching 🤮), going for shopping/spa days. The whole thing like the scene in ‘Mamma Mia’ when the mum and daughter are getting ready for the wedding. Thinking they won’t be able to do similar with boys. Just my opinion.

My husband’s grandmother has limited English and health issues so doesn’t really say much to me except when I got married. She gripped my hands and said ‘give me a granddaughter’. She has sons and daughters, grandsons and granddaughters, so I honestly don’t get it.

While I understand some individuals may be dreaming of one or the other, I wish other people would keep their opinions out of it.