Sex/gender disappointment- why is it always boys?

[Beautifulsunflowers]

I’m just interested- I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread where the poster is disappointed at having a girl.

Surely there’s always a 50/50 chance of either sex.

I post this as the mother of two boys so maybe there’s something I’m missing. Im not trying to be goady - I’m genuinely curious.

i struggled with infertility and after successful ivf I was just so thrilled to be having a baby I really didn’t mind what sex I had.
Further ivf attempts failed so we went through the adoption process and the social worker asked us if we would like a girl as we already had a boy - she thought a girl would make our family complete - I told her that I just wanted a second child to complete our family, to be a sibling to our son. I couldn’t understand deciding on a second child but only wanting a particular sex.
In the event I discovered I was pregnant just before facing panel. I got my second child to complete my family - a second boy. I was delighted! I’d have been delighted either way.

So I’m just really interested in what makes people disappointed in having a boy? It does make me feel upset when I read those posts, as though boys are second best and not as valued as girls.

It baffles me and it only seems to be on here too. Traditionally in many cultures boys are favoured and the patriarchy is alive and well so a boy is more likely to earn more, be more successful etc etc

Personally I didn’t care, just wanted a healthy baby. I got a (awesome) boy. He seems pretty easy in terms of raising him (just needs loads of snacks, exercise and cuddles) I love that we don’t have to faff with hair/fliddly clothes and his friendships seem pretty uncomplicated compared to the little girls I know (who are so mean to each other)

Obvs just my experience but yeah bizarre

I’ll confess I felt maybe a minute or two of disappointment when I found out I was having a boy. But it quickly passed and by the time they are in your arms it makes zero difference.
For me I don’t think it’s about the childhood of raising a boy or girl, it’s their adulthood. It’s a generalisation of course but I do think there is some truth to the saying
”A son is a son until he takes a wife- but a daughter is a daughter all of her life” in that the job of most important woman in a man’s life often (and rightly so!) changes to his wife (a heteronormative assumption of course!) but I’ve seen this play out in my own family. Brothers call mum every few weeks when they have something to say, me and sister call her “just for a chat” or for advice on something our kids are doing that is driving us mad. Not every woman has that good a relationship with their mother of course so this is just a generalisation.
For me as well, my MIL is great, if she came round and my house was a mess and I hadn’t showered she would never judge me or say anything, but I do always feel a need to tidy up a little and at least brush my hair. I’m happy for my own mother to walk into pure chaos so there’s a more relaxedness with your own mother.

I make a lot of effort for DS to have a great relationship with both sets of grandparents, but do I probably skew toward my own parents more? Probably. It’s the relaxedness again.
So when I think about DS as an adult I do worry about there being more distance between us and any grandchildren, but want him to be happy and have a family of his own. On the one hand I want my little mummy’s boy to be my little mummy’s boy forever, but would I ever want to date a mummy’s boy myself? Hell no! Very conflicting feelings.

But no, right now, it makes zero difference. He’s my world and I’d never want anything different.

I don't get it either. We had issues around having children. Easy to get pregnant but not stay pregnant. We finally had our 2nd when our eldest was 6. We didn't find out the sex during pregnancy and everyone said things like "wouldn't it be lovely to have a girl so you have one of each", even people who knew our struggles said this. We just said we are over the moon to be having a second child, we don't care what is between their legs 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I wanted a boy because I didn't know what I could do with a girl. I was quite a tomboy. Got a girl, she's amazing! So amazing second time round I wanted another one. Got a boy. He's amazing too!

I wanted boys and got 2 girls - no disappointment as we didn’t find out so just loved them when they arrived. Also it is not always boys - you want to hear the comments I’ve had regarding having two girls - your poor DH/oh isn’t it a shame no one to carry on family name/bet you are dreading the teenage years etc…

In no particular order
-because toddler boys are usually more boisterous than girls
-because lots of men don’t make an effort with their parents whereas more women do
-because women mostly post on here and a good number of people want a baby the same sex as them

I can't have children so if that were suddenly reversed then I really wouldn't care whether I had a boy or a girl. Although having been a volunteer in both Scouting and Girlguiding, this has taught me that boys must be much harder to raise. I must have seen hundreds of children over the years, I can count on one hand the number of really challenging girls I've seen whereas I've lost count of the number of really challenging boys. There have been a great number of really well behaved boys of course, but the most difficult behaviour has almost exclusively come from boys.

I have 4 boys and was always saddened by people thinking I was going on so we’d have a girl. People wouldn’t believe me when I said I honestly didn’t mind, although the difference was I knew someone who’d lost a baby as I was in early days of pregnancy with my first, and I was in a car crash (not the most serious one but battered the car and I had to go to hospital) so I was literally just always thinking ‘please let the baby be ok’

I wanted a girl first, and that’s what I got. But I know I would have been slightly disappointed if I had a boy at that point.

We later decided we would have two children and no more. I absolutely wanted a boy, just for the having one of each aspect. I knew again that if it were a girl I would definitely be disappointed, more so because I knew I’d never again have the chance to have a boy after that. I got my boy so I never actually experienced any gender disappointment but I do get it for those who have. We haven’t had a boy born into the family in 30 years so I was chuffed and so was my extended family 😂

Ps when you have boys girls are like a different species, either having nieces over or girls at birthday parties, I’ve found I don’t know what to do! (Sons birthday party last year the boys and girls split and then some of the girls seemed to be left out and what with trying to sort out arguments and trying to get them off phones, it was interesting!) The boys just played rounders/ football/helped with pizza/played with the dog!

It's surely down to how their characters are? the sex of the child itself doesn't matter.

A good natured girl or boy is going to be far ''Easier'' than one who is 'difficult'.

I don't know

Deep down I wanted a girl baby although i tried not to think that

I had a girl. Im so pleased I have a daughter. I can't have any more

If she had been a boy, i would have loved him unconditionally

In the real world it is both, equally boys and girls. Perhaps more in Mumsnet because there are more women here? Perhaps more women would like a daughter?

For my first I didn't mind either way. For my second I will have a slight preference, because I'd like one of each (but really I just wish for a healthy baby). Whether I wanted a girl or boy depends on what I had first!

In developing countries boys are still favoured by the patriarchy - to the point that female infanticide is still a thing. I reckon that balances MN’s preferences.

I think women imagine having girls so that when they grow up, they can share their interests. E.g. I have seen women saying they can’t wait for their daughters to grow up so they can get their nails done together and go on spa days. I’m not stereotyping women here as I also enjoy these things! I’ve also heard mums to be complain that boys clothes aren’t as cute. Depends on your opinion as I HATE the endless pink of girls clothes.
I have a little boy and he’s the light of my life. He wears cute clothes and is deeply invested in construction vehicles (which I have also learn a lot about so I can join in with him). I’m currently pregnant with a girl which I’m very excited about, but at the same time, I’m not getting carried away about her being a “mini me” - she’s going to be her own person with her own interests. Maybe she’ll like diggers too, or trains, or unicorns, or princesses. None of these are of interest to me, but I’ll happily share her enthusiasm for them when she’s little!

Anyone who works in nursing or care work will tell you that it's far more common for daughters to be involved with the care of their elderly parents than sons. My mother had 2 boys and 2 girls. She's in her 90s now and needs a lot of looking after - guess which of her children are involved in that? Yes, me and my sister. I have to say however that my husband (an only child) does loads for his parents and I've never had to remind or coax him to send cards, buy gifts (not that I would anyway), so there are exceptions.

I really thought I wanted a girl (although not sure if that’s because girls names are just more fun to pick out…) and was nervous of having a boy (I guess having been a teenage girl etc I naively thought I might have a roadmap that I wouldn’t with a boy).

I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant (ivf pregnancy) and when they said boy at the scan I was surprised at how much it didn’t matter to me and I was just excited to have a pregnancy that was (touch wood) going to plan. Since I’ve told people I’m having a boy I’ve only had positive comments, particularly from colleagues with boys about how loving they are.

I do think there is a natural inclination to prefer the same sex - whether that’s the road map idea or it makes parenting less scary to think about as it’s easier to imagine that they’ll be just like you so you’ll figure it out more easily. The other stuff - worrying about being a MIL etc I guess comes down to your own experiences. And as others have mentioned on here that’s going to skew to women’s negative experiences as nobody is going to waste their time starting a thread about how they had a really nice glass of wine and a chat with their MIL yesterday.

DH is very close to his parents and is probably stereotypically better than I am with mine in terms of chatting to them regularly. I really get on with my in laws - in many ways they’re easier than my actual parents, I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. Growing up my grandparents were an equally large part of my life and my Dad would do anything to help out his mum or his mother in law. My close male friends have similar relationships with their family and are also close with their in laws. In terms of stereotypical activities DH and I are equally happy to go shopping/out for coffee/the theatre or to go watch sport/go to the pub etc so I guess we’ll just see where our son’s personality takes us!

I’ve got 2 boys and a 3 month old grandson. There’s no disappointment here.

I didn’t mind what I had when I was having DS1, who turned out to be the easiest, most placid baby going. He was the complete opposite to the tornados that were my nieces so when we decided on having another, I really wanted a boy naively thinking we’d get another DS1. We didn’t.

We’ve been lucky with our sons, or maybe it’s how we’ve raised them I don’t know, but they’re kind, gentle, respectful young men, who are close to us, each other and are wonderful partners. I’ve never had a row with DS1, we’ve had disagreements, but we’ve never done the shouty, screams thing to each other, he’s not like that.

From when DS2 was born he was a “mummy’s boy” and I know that’s looked down on, on here, while women and girls who spend time with their mums are applauded. We did everything together. A few weeks ago, we were talking and DDIL said she’d always wanted a little girl, because she is close to her mum, but when she’d seen how close me and our boys are she wasn’t worried about having a boy. DS2 said “I never could have imagined loving anyone as much as you back then”.

I get a text or a phone call every single day from my boys, sometimes DS1 can’t because he’s in the army, but that phrase about a son is yours until he gets a wife boils my blood. It’s complete bloody nonsense.

My own mother is a toxic cow. She has caused me so much pain and anxiety through my life it’s unbelievable and my sister is a bully who has bred bullies. Maybe that’s why I was quite happy to have boys?

I was chatting to a woman in the Asda checkout queue recently and she was fussing DS2 (14 months) in his pram. She said is he your first? I replied no I have an older child too. She asked is your eldest girl or boy? Boy. She said ‘oh never mind!’ NEVERMIND! What a thing to say to a stranger?

We struggled with miscarriage and secondary infertility so perhaps my situation is different but I am beyond thrilled with my sons. I have also never had a longing for a girl. DP had always wanted girls so the reverse of most men wanting boys is true for us.

This, exactly. I can't explain it much better. I love my son but I want to be a mother to a girl as well and I'm massively jealous of anyone who has both.

...

I'm autistic and the black and white expectation I had of having one of each has driven me to perinatal mental health with this (currently mystery) pregnancy. The thought that it might be another boy often makes me want to run away from the situation. It's a horrible feeling.

I know how people will react too if this child is a boy as everyone knows we want a girl. All I'll get is people saying sorry or feeling badly for us or people with girls rubbing it in my face that I don't have one by saying things like 'Oh want to swap? My girl is so annoying' like I see on threads like this all the time 🙄

This baby is the product of recurrent miscarriage and IVF treatment. I know that because of that, the expectation is that I no longer get a choice about what I want anymore. I just have to be grateful for the child we have.

It's not about wanting pink and nice clothes (incidentally my son's favourite colour is pink and, along with liking vehicles and football, he's also into unicorns and ballet). It's a weird biological need to produce a girl that I can't get rid of no matter what I do.

My daughter is nothing like me - couldn’t be further from a Mini-me. I can’t imagine her visiting me in a care home either, unless she mellows with age.

I have older boys and the comments I received from women were shocking -

“Why didn’t you want a girl?” (I didn’t know I could choose)

”Oh no! You had another boy”

”Well, I’m sooo glad that I had a girl”

”Come back next year and have a girl” (from a midwife, hours after I had given birth to my second son).

“Thank goodness you’ve got some balance in your family now” (hours after giving birth to my daughter).

People are weird.

It’s very sad, although I suppose it’s no different from the fact boys were preferred for hundreds of years.

I don’t think 21st century Britain is generally well set up to channel the sort of physical energy that boys can have more of than girls (not always) in healthy and positive ways. That energy can therefore come across as being boisterous/naughty/aggressive. If I were living my life with small children over again , I’d try to get out of the city and live a much more physical, more embodied life- at least for a few years. Out of the head and into the heart. We managed it to some extent- being outdoors, away from screens, lots of physical activity- but you can’t beat physical activity with purpose to teach children that being active, energetic and strong is a wonderful gift, not an inconvenience.

I also think some women want a girl as an excuse to indulge their own love of “girly” things. But you don’t need an excuse. If you love Flower Fairies, embroidery and Brambly Hedge, bring more of that stuff into your own life. You don’t need to channel it through a daughter, who may not like it anyway.

When I was pregnant with my first I was convinced it was a boy. When I found out I was having a girl I was a bit flat for a while, but it passed quickly and was totally gone by the time she was born. My 2nd baby was a boy and I was over the moon. With my 3rd I was hoping for a girl again and by the 4th I really didn't mind either way. I ended up with two of each and in all honesty if I had to choose 4 girls or 4 boys... I'd pick 4 boys. Girls are unsuspectingly difficult in other ways, lots of emotions and moodiness. So many friend issues with my eldest girl. My boys have been typical boys and broken lots of things (including themselves, so regular a&e trips) but I find this easier to deal with.

I think it's this too.

Girls feel familiar to me, I feel like I know what I'm doing. I am a girl, I have a sister, it was often me, my sister and our mum doing things.

I now have a little daughter and my sister is pregnant and having a boy. She has expressed a little disappointment but only really because she's enjoyed buying my little one all the pretty girly clothes etc. It will be lovely to have a little boy in the family 😊

Yes I find it strange too, I am a mum to two adult DS’, they are absolutely great, really kind and caring, never given me any bother. Most of my friends with teenage DD’s have had a very rough time, I don’t envy them at all.