DH has just told me he's going on a lads weekend and won't be here for my birthday

[Yaddayadda89]

I'm really pissed off.
It's not a special birthday, I'll be 44
This year I'm going away with girlfriends for a week abroad. I'm working a second job to pay for this. The week away is not to celebrate (or even near date wise) my birthday.
AIBU to say DH can't go away ? I've said it's only fair he has time away too, seeing as I'm going away.
But on my birthday ?

Yeah. WTF is wrong with that?
Oh, I know. As adults, we aren't allowed to make fuss of ourselves or have a bit of simple joy.
Here to serve and die.
Screw 🪛 that.

Depends on how you usually celebrate birthday's?

if you always do something he should have checked first and considered not going but what if that’s the only weekend others can do

me and my dh have missed each others birthdays on occasion but we also aren’t fussed on birthdays so it’s not a big deal to us

i get the feeling this could be about more than just your birthday and your dh being a bit shit in general though

Well me and DH show love and affection to each throughout the year AND make a fuss of each other on birthdays, at Christmas, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentines Day etc.

DH often buys me flowers, a plant (I love plants), a book, a cd, dvd, earrings etc. I often buy him a gift if I see something I know he will like. We both surprise the other with meals out, nights away. We tell each other every day, more than once, that we love each other.

You are 44 not 14. Why do adults think the world needs to revolve around them on their birthdays?

I know plenty of people in real life that make a fuss about birthdays. Both my siblings have partners that always at least take them out for the day, buy them a present etc but often take them away for 1 or more nights.

I want to celebrate my birthday on the actual day not the week after. Would you celebrate Christmas a week later?

I doubt they expect the world to revolve around them but their OH should be doing something with them and for them

It’s ‘a birthday’ why does one day matter
Your going away , he’s going away. get over it

Stop sulking.

Do something you want to do on your birthday.

(There is the passive aggressive option of texting him pics throughout the day with

Here I am on my birthday lunch
My birthday trip to the xxx
My birthday dinner table for one
My birthday cupcake with one candle

And arranging a girls' weekend away on his birthday )

Or the adult option of just telling him truthfully how you felt, that you were upset he wasn't there with you for the birthday you planned. No demands, no tit for tat, just communication.

This

So then would you be really hurt/pissed off if he wasn’t around for your birthday as the date clashed with something else? Would you read into that that he doesn’t care about you, doesn’t value you? Doesn’t respect you? As so many PP’s have said?

Surely if you do all those things you mention then you know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves and cares about you. No need to read anything else into a timing clash.

And if the OP loved, cares and wanted the best for her DH then she wouldn’t want him to sacrifice a rare weekend away having fun with his friends just because of a birthday that can be celebrated any time or even not at all?

My response would depend on how the news was shared. Did he apologise and ask if you'd mind or announce it was happening regardless. If it's the latter I'd take a long hard look at my relationship as this indicates selfishness and a lack of consideration.

Oh my goodness.

I was raised to see birthdays as special (not everybody gets to be the age you are) but this is ridiculous. Go the following weekend. The sky won’t fall down.

This is such crap. Why is he disrespecting her, she’s said it’s not a special birthday ? They could celebrate it either before or after he goes. And she’s going on holiday for a week with friends - is that disrespecting him ?

Well me and DH show love and affection to each throughout the year AND make a fuss of each other on birthdays, at Christmas, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentines Day etc
DH often buys me flowers, a plant (I love plants), a book, a cd, dvd, earrings etc. I often buy him a gift if I see something I know he will like. We both surprise the other with meals out, nights away. We tell each other every day, more than once, that we love each other

We are pretty much the same except cds and dvds, I didn't realise they were still
a thing ( not being snarky)
This is why I wouldn't be pissed if we went out the day before or after my birthday if something came up. The world does not spinning if I have a fabulous time with dh a day or so either side of my birthday.

So seeing as you hadn’t even suggested it, let alone book it, you hadn’t made plans for your birthday?

This reminds me of my 35th birthday. My DH had booked a Michelin starred restaurant in town for us but at the last minute, due to a work emergency, I had to fly out of the country that day.

Rather than lose his sizeable deposit for the table my DH took my FIL for the meal. They then sent me many photos throughout the evening of them both enjoying my birthday meal including the cake and candles that the restaurant had made as a surprise! I have to say I was a bit miffed as I was sat alone in my hotel room!

I'd be really disappointed but i'd also be telling him he needs to buy you a very special gift to make up for missing your birthday and take you out the weekend before too.

Honestly that sounds exhausting and expensive. Who has the time and money to make such a big deal of every occasion and spoil each other all year round. Sounds like overcompensation to me. If you're secure in your relationship you don't need to prove it with money.

I would now rather just forgot my birthday this year as the 1 person I want to spend the day/eve with won't be here

This sounds very petulant and punishing. Can't you just celebrate another day? You're 44, not 6!

I don’t understand why such a fuss has to be made if it’s not a landmark birthday. DH and I get each other cards and we’ll maybe have a nice bottle of wine with dinner, or we’ll maybe go out for a pub meal but it’s no big deal if neither of those things happen. Do you feel secure in your relationship OP ?

Haven't read the full thread, but who cares about birthdays after the age of 10? You can celebrate it another day, or just do something nice for the hell of it.

I'd be more annoyed if he comes back so hungover he is good for nothing for the rest of the week, and if he/you can't really afford it.

"I've not said he can't go , I'll just be in a massive mood with him for a prolonged period of time " vibes.
You hadn't literally made plans as nothing booked. You are turning 44, it's not your super sweet 21st. Most people celebrate on a different day as work will often get in the way. Think you just need to put your big girl pants on and book something when he is free.

Well I should have guessed some misery would be along to make snarky remarks about my relationship.

For your information, we have been very happily married for 44 years. We haven't always had the money to treat each other as much as we do now so we make the most of it. Plus books, flowers, cd's etc hardly cost the earth do they?

We don't buy each other things all the time but if one of us sees something the other will like or knows the other wants something we will usually buy it.

We are totally secure in our relationship and certainly do not feel the need to overcompensate.

Are you 8yo, is he going to miss your Frozen cake and Bouncy Castle?

Oh another misery talking about security of a relationship.

Lots of couples make a fuss of birthdays. When I met DH 44 years ago he said he thought birthdays should be special and he has always not worked on my birthday and at the very least taken me out for the day. Some years he has taken me away, sometimes for just the night, over times for 2, 3 or even 7 nights.

I also have always not worked on his birthday and we have gone out for the day or gone away.

My siblings do the same as do my nieces and nephews so it really is not unusual