DH has just told me he's going on a lads weekend and won't be here for my birthday

[Yaddayadda89]

I'm really pissed off.
It's not a special birthday, I'll be 44
This year I'm going away with girlfriends for a week abroad. I'm working a second job to pay for this. The week away is not to celebrate (or even near date wise) my birthday.
AIBU to say DH can't go away ? I've said it's only fair he has time away too, seeing as I'm going away.
But on my birthday ?

I think it’s much more egotistical to put someone else down just because they enjoy celebrating something that you don’t think is necessary 🤷‍♀️

Oh goodness sake, grow up! You can celebrate another day with husband. Maybe on your bday you can go to a spa alone or with friends etc. Its not a big birthday and if ut really means something, then say next year keep day free.

Good god. Why are being so precious.

It.does.not.matter.this.much.

100%, you have every right to a week away but how dare he go for a weekend. Put him firmly in his place op.

I don’t know why the OP is getting such a hard time. It’s not the lads’ weekend that is the issue, it’s the timing of it.

Has he actually worked out it’s on your birthday, OP? Or has he forgotten that? Have you got children you’re going to be looking after all weekend? If not, I’d plan something nice without him and if he suggests celebrating your birthday on a different day, tell him you’ve already done it.

"AIBU to say DH can't go away ? "

You tell your DH he can't go away? Or do you just mean 'sulk and make his life miserable if he does it without your 'consent'? Seems childish to me but maybe you pin a lot on being fussed over on your birthday, as he doesn't do much for you the rest of the year? In which case I sympathise and he should be nicer year-round.

I'm perfectly happy to time-shift my birthday to fit in with other members of the family, and do so all the time, considering there are three adults with jobs to take into account. Heck, when my daughter was a nurse on shifts we even time-shifted Christmas.

I think it's reasonable of him to consider going, he didn't choose the date and you haven't made any specific plans that can't be moved.

I ran a 10K on my husbands birthday last year, I had planned to do this particular race with my friend and it unfortunately fell on his birthday. I did it anyway because it was once a year opportunity and a couple of hours out of the day.

I wouldn't mind if he went away on my birthday (unless he pulled out of a party or something prearranged) and would just celebrate another day because to me it's the act of celebrating that matters, I don't care when it is.

We've moved birthdays, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas for various reasons.

Unless this is part of a wider picture of him generally not caring about you then I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If it is part of a bigger picture then it's the bigger picture that's the issue, not this one particular occasion.

meh i don't know why it matters - spend birthday with friends or do something with husband a different weekend

' wasn't involved in the weekend away planning and had no input on the date. It got booked, he got invited'

This. He didn't choose the date to commit the horrific crime of being away on his wife's birthday.

Op. You have your 'girlfriend' trip, let him have his trip. Celebrate before or after. I I'm stunned at the knots folk tie themselves up in over nothing at all.

The timing of it is her complaint, people get that and still think she's BU. Her DH didn't choose the timing and even if he did it is an overreaction that she wants to veto his holiday with his friends cos celebrating her birth must happen on the day or it doesn't count.

Personally it would make me feel like shyte if my partner bailed out with the lads on my birthday, I would find it inaceptable, this said… if he “compensates” for it when he comes back and takes me out to a weekend trip and a posh diner, shoves me with affection then I would be ok with it. Yes he can go with the lads but he will have to compensate to keep me happy otherwise I’m dumping his a-ds.

Would you be equally as bothered if your birthday was a Tuesday? Would the posh meal still have to happen that night, even if you had to be up at 6 for work?

"If not, I’d plan something nice without him and if he suggests celebrating your birthday on a different day, tell him you’ve already done it"

God I couldn't survive in a marriage with that level of passive aggression.

Seriously you are going to be 44, not 4. Seems so childish.

AIBU to say DH can't go away ?

Then

I would never tell him what he can or cannot do and vice versa. I'm just really disappointed that its on my birthday.

You're getting a hard time because of your initial AIBU.

Your AIBU is actually "AIBU to be disappointed", which I don't think anyone could deny. It's fine to be disappointed and have a bit of a moan about it, the move on.

What a d h, I'd be pissed off too, sorry OP. He doesn't respect you
🤣🤣🤣 Got to love a dramatic opening post!

So what do you all think she should do on her birthday while he’s off on holiday with his mates?
Same as me when DH is not available on my actual birthday day, go out with my friends and go out with Dh when he's back.🤷‍♀️

So he's meant to miss a whole weekend away with friends just for a run of the mill birthday that can be celebrated another day
His wife’s birthday. You know, that person he’s supposed to care about
if it was a milestone birthday, fair enough, but come on! Go out tbe night before he goes away or the night he comes back. Go out with friends on the day if it's such a biggie to you but blimey, what a fuss!
Does he need to work a second job to pay for his lads weekend? If not, why not
Say what?
I really don't understand this comment. I dont need to work a second job when I go away for a week, never mind weekend. Why would this Dh?

I love birthday's especially my own. Me and dh go out, then me Dh, the kids and their partners go out for a meal. I also go out with my closest friend,maybe to a spa or go in to the city and I also go out with a crowd of friends. It doesn't matter which order we do it as long as we all have fun.

I do, 'do birthdays' well sort of. I think I'd be a little bit 'oh' but ultimately I'd let it go and not make a big deal. As you said he didn't pick the date and it would be a pity for him to miss out.

I would go to celebrate your birthday at another time though

Really? Guess it’s times to LTB for daring to be away for your birthday.

If my partner was invited on a pre-booked weekend that fell over my birthday I am certain he would just decline. He's not even the sort who makes a big deal over special occasions, but it's normal to want to spend your partner/spouse's birthday with them.

And I would say it was up to the birthday person to decide whether they were OK with their spouse not being around for it. If OP is cool with him going, then fine. But it sounds like she isn't. That should take precedence.

I think the real issue here is lack of communication. A calm, warm conversation about it, rather than "it's booked I'm going" and I don't think you'd be so upset. A bit disappointed maybe but not upset. Maybe a conversation about that would be better. But you're a grown up, it's just one birthday. Go out with friends or treat yourself to a facial or see your friends

Hm.
Your "DH" is a bit of a piece of work.
However, I would celebrate on my own and do what I want, if I were you, whatever rocks your boat.
My husband is usually pretty decent (we are child free) and I often think about how I would spend birthdays, Christmasses etc. if living on my own.
Try that! 😁

If he told me he was going if maybe he a bit upset however if he discussed it and recognised it’s my birthday and wanted to run it past me I’d say definitely go. This would be the same vice versa

If it’s not a special birthday & you haven’t already made plans together, I don’t really see the problem. Do something nice together the weekend before or after instead. A group holiday is hard to arrange around everyone’s lives. Do something on the day with your family / friends & celebrate together another time.

Oh behave. The whole group aren’t going to organise a weekend away around one wife’s birthday.

YBVU.

Is it because that's the only weekend that works for everyone? It wouldn't bother me tbh, my husband is away for my birthday this year too as it was the only weekend that worked for the whole group. He did check whether I would mind before he committed but it really doesn't bother me. We will just celebrate my birthday when he gets back and I'll enjoy my day with my friends or family