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My Wife The Abuser: The Secret Footage

164 replies

Lumpalicious · 18/03/2024 22:15

Anyone watching? Channel 5 now.

OP posts:
Careforcarers · 19/03/2024 17:40

Brotherlove · 19/03/2024 15:14

I posted on Mumsnet last year....my brother was in an abusive relationship and overwhelming the comments were - you are talking rubbish 🙄🤬, you have got it in for his wife etc etc.
My brother and his children are safe, loved and rebuilding their lives😊

Edited

I did as well, several years ago about my brother (I had a different username).

Similar, no sympathy at all. His ex wife was a vile abuser but to the outside world was pretty and believed by everyone. He lost everything but a bag of clothes and sofa surfed for several years since she financially abused him as well. People don't tend to believe pretty women can do that.

ruhroh · 19/03/2024 17:41

TabithaTwitchel · 19/03/2024 11:18

I agree entirely with @Jellycats4life

It's truly awful what has happened to this man. This woman's sentence is not long enough - she'll go on and do it again to someone else, I have no doubt

But a small part of me can't help but shake my head that this does such a disservice to all the countless female victims of male domestic abuse, where it's so commonplace, it barely raises an eyebrow.

I can see your point if it's a big documentary about a woman faking rape claims (when statistically that's not the case)... But here, I don't really think it's a gender competition, or that awareness of 1 issue detracts from another.

I didn't catch this documentary but in another similarly brutal/sadistic case a while back, the police refused to believe the man was being abused by the woman.

Whereas after decades of campaigns, awareness being raised, etc, authorities are relatively alert to and trusting of claims by women being abused. I was even asked about my male partner and assured of secrecy in hospital when really I'd just been a clumsy idiot!

Not to be all boohoo men but domestic abuse victims, regardless of sex, should be given the same credibility. Again not a competition

ruhroh · 19/03/2024 18:06

Jellycats4life · 19/03/2024 10:51

Double standards is right. It’s no coincidence that when a woman is a domestic abuser, we get TV documentaries (there was one on the BBC quite recently) and widespread horror and condemnation, whereas male domestic abusers are simply too prolific to raise even the slightest glimmer of interest. Their victims either get murdered or blamed for not leaving.

Not wishing to denigrate this man’s suffering. It’s just very telling that his story has such a high profile.

Nah, people are just morbidly curious, no double standards.

If there are a glut of male DV documentaries like there have been female DV docos/campaigns, the public would lose interest too, I guarantee.

The psychology of female victims has been made very well known to the public. We've all already seen numerous documentaries, ads, campaigns, etc. The psychology of male victims is harder to fathom, to me.

90% psychological stuff aside, the fact is, female DV victims ARE actually under physical threat in the moment, and even if they escaped they would still be vulnerable to their abuser physically finding them.

Whereas with male DV victims, it's a 100% psychological game. They've literally convinced themselves not to fight back for decades despite the fact that they could overpower the woman in minutes. In terms of physical size, it's like a woman compliantly letting herself be abused by a small child for years. It's horribly fascinating.

However, say I had a £100 bill I could ONLY donate to either male OR female DV victims. I would donate to female victims because statistically there are more, plus the cause of female DV victims is way more well known. A one-off TV programme I chose to watch has nothing to do with it.

Good thing though, as I said above, that it's not a gender competition or zero-sum game! Whereas a doco about a false rape claim might be, because it perpetuates the message that you should disbelieve potential rape victims.

Male DV docos don't undermine anyone's word, though. Awareness has no downsides. It's immensely childish to turn everything into a gender competition.

DeerWatch · 19/03/2024 18:12

My mother was always a very controlling person who my father idolised. When they retired she threatened divorce if he didn't agree to a move away to the middle of nowhere. I now know this is when the abuse escalculated towards him. She also did not allow him to get the hip replacement surgery he needed and because of that he is now completely bedridden in a nursing home.

At the end of 2020 she rang me up to say in the middle of the night she had gone into his room and hit him over the head, he fell onto the floor and she laughed at him as he was crying. In the summer of 2021 I got a phone call from a paramedic trying to make sense of the state my father was in as they had been called out. He was apparantly in such a state of shock that he sat motionless for 30 minutes not saying a word. I told paramedic of the abuse she had given him in preceeding months and he suspected something similiar had happened, bruising later appeared when he was in hospital but my dad wouldn't say how he got it.
He then went home and a few weeks later he had to be removed to a place of safety after the home carer called police as she was frightened that my mother was going to attack him again.

The hospital called the domestic abuse team and dad spoke to them but would not proceed with any action even though I offered to help with it. I believe he has only admitted to a very small bit of the abuse given to him.

I no longer have any contact with my mother.

skygradient · 19/03/2024 18:25

This is a terrible thought but... She looks nastier now because she's almost 50 and has aged (we all age btw).

She was really pretty and innocent looking in her 20s. I wonder if she would have had a higher chance of being believed, if he had reported it then?

Would people, or even the police, have believed her rationalisations for the videos – I was at breaking point from his abuse, I was defending and retaliating, etc?

Just like how there are still a surprisingly large amount of people who believe Lucy Letby, Eleanor Williams, etc, because they're young pretty white girls.

Also, she took a shit on his head? Wtaf? And the peeing everywhere?

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 19/03/2024 18:27

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/03/2024 15:52

I too know a man who was abused. He's a big man, she's tiny. Didn't stop her smashing a bottle into his face among other things. He refused to seek help. It's emasculating I think, especially when you're a tall well built man. I don't know what things are like now but they stayed married.

IMO, no matter if the man is bigger or smaller, any woman that is seriously nasty will take it out on their man and the man more often than not will not just not report it but will feel too ashamed to discuss with family etc.

Up until the advent of the net - most people thought only men abused children but we all know there is evil in genders.

Going back to man beating wife, or wife beating man physically/mentally or both - men will rarely come forward and I may be wrong, but the cops may be more inclined to believe the woman, especially if she is smaller, I don't know just guessing.

More should be done to help those that are living a life of hell with their OH

usernother · 19/03/2024 18:39

Just read that she copped off with the husband of the friend who put her up while she was on bail. He left the friend to go off with Spencer. She is a despicable awful person. I really hope she's never allowed to see her children. I hope she's reading these comments too.

ItsJustNotHappening · 19/03/2024 18:46

I posted on the other thread. Does anyone know why it was deleted?

StaunchMomma · 19/03/2024 18:59

This was such a hard watch.

I actually found the Police response incredibly effective. They are human beings, at the end of the day. It was a very unusual case and I'm sure many would be emotional if faced with such a broken human being. It can be incredibly reassuring to victims to feel heard, believed and supported.

I'm so glad they got a conviction. She is one evil woman.

Mariannelovesconnell · 19/03/2024 19:02

@EmilyGilmoreenergy My husband's ex wife was a midwife, a very respected part of the community, as was Sheree I believe. Whenever she was abusive it was in drink, so she could effectively function when sober, however she was a vicious bastard when drunk and I witnessed it when she turned up to our house having driven there drunk one night, it was like Jekyll and Hyde. I would have battered her but rightly so my husband said violence doesn't solve it. The police turned up locked her up for the night and released her without charge. This was in a very middle class area much the same as was portrayed on the programme, I think the police thought mmmm, they don't live in a shit hole ergo it can't be abuse, just a misunderstanding, it was very much abuse and I suspect that despite her surgeon father and senior nurse mother something had happened to her whilst she was a child.

newnamethanks · 19/03/2024 19:17

Let's take a moment please to remember Erin Pizzey. Before Erin there was no such thing as a Women's Refuge and domestic violence was just a shoulder-shrugging, well, are you looking after him properly? response from police. She set up the first refuge against a lot of opposition. We should all thank her, even though many feminists decried her views, she made a huge difference for all women. Everyone should have access to a place of safety.

AStepAtaTime · 19/03/2024 19:39

Jesus. That poor man - what an evil
woman to do that to him over such a sustained period of time. I may watch it but it does look really disturbing. So brave of him to speak out and to try and help others. May he find peace.

icelolly12 · 19/03/2024 21:10

Poor guy, is it just me or does it seem like he has some sort of special needs/learning disability? This would have made him much more vulnerable and potentially more susceptible to manipulation.

ruhroh · 19/03/2024 21:24

icelolly12 · 19/03/2024 21:10

Poor guy, is it just me or does it seem like he has some sort of special needs/learning disability? This would have made him much more vulnerable and potentially more susceptible to manipulation.

Why do you say that? He seemed quite self aware during the documentary.

I think part of it was death of his mother at 9 years old, combined with a more laidback/pleasant personality in general.

He said that he remembers how he suppressed his emotions, almost like physical pain, when his father told him that his mother had died, because he was taught that boys shouldn't cry, men shouldn't show weakness. He would suppress his emotions like that when the wife demeaned him, to the point she would call him a robot.

I'm only a fraction into the documentary but a lot of it is making sense. Young beautiful woman, pleasant laidback man, occasional rages that they both attributed to her unhappy childhood at first, only becoming crazier bit by bit after marriage... Her threats to pretend he was an abuser so he wouldn't be able to see his children, him deciding to record it after that threat, but not being able to pull the trigger for years due to fear that he couldn't see his children

AmaryllisChorus · 19/03/2024 21:33

icelolly12 · 19/03/2024 21:10

Poor guy, is it just me or does it seem like he has some sort of special needs/learning disability? This would have made him much more vulnerable and potentially more susceptible to manipulation.

No, he hasn't. He's a really bright man - an IT designer. But he was struggling to speak, think and process what he had to recall due to trauma, so his reactions were delayed at times. I thought he seemed such a lovely person. It's heartbreaking that he felt he had to put up with it for so long.

skygradient · 19/03/2024 21:37

If a female had that quantity of recordings, I can see a documentary being made too.

I've seen some comments on the DV court process that said it's actually very rare a case succeeds even if you have evidence of injuries. Most DV cases don't have any actually watertight proof.

The police officer was saying this case is different from all the other cases bc there's actually all the video recordings over years (which he must have backed up to a cloud somewhere).

HesterPrincess · 19/03/2024 21:52

Someone commented on another thread I read that she's in an open prison, has regular visits from friends and family.

Wonder if they're going to visit again after watching....

MoonWoman69 · 19/03/2024 21:54

@DeerWatch I am so sorry. That is truly awful. Had she always been like that? I make no wonder you have no contact with her, I wouldn't either 💐

Abhannmor · 19/03/2024 21:58

Brotherlove · 19/03/2024 15:14

I posted on Mumsnet last year....my brother was in an abusive relationship and overwhelming the comments were - you are talking rubbish 🙄🤬, you have got it in for his wife etc etc.
My brother and his children are safe, loved and rebuilding their lives😊

Edited

So sorry about your brother. Glad there was a happy outcome. ♥

Brotherlove · 19/03/2024 23:02

icelolly12 · 19/03/2024 21:10

Poor guy, is it just me or does it seem like he has some sort of special needs/learning disability? This would have made him much more vulnerable and potentially more susceptible to manipulation.

He presented as someone with PTSD.
Given his trauma it is amazing how articulate he was, and how he could speak & recount things.

Brotherlove · 19/03/2024 23:03

Abhannmor · 19/03/2024 21:58

So sorry about your brother. Glad there was a happy outcome. ♥

Thanks 🙏🏻

Hijabimama · 20/03/2024 00:44

4 years means she’ll be out in 2 as it’s halved but I do hope the ladies in prison give her the time of her life inside abd show her how it feels to get bullied!

usernother · 20/03/2024 10:38

Also read that her brother threatened to ruin Richard's life if he didn't drop the charges. He offered him money to do it. What an awful family Sheree Spencer comes from.

Gary73 · 20/03/2024 11:14

I saw the interview so watched this morning, I've worked in mental health for over 20 years and seen a lot, this would be one where we all leave wherever we have met and there is utter silence, personally I know I'd have cried as soon as I could !

This is a must watch for adult's so hopefully all can react in the same way as this man's family and friends, they probably saved his life and the children's future.

Two more must watch are Coming Out Documentary and Joe Bell, both on Amazon and both true stories, tissues at the ready !

Gary73 · 20/03/2024 11:56

I suppose the debate should be at what age should these kind of documentaries be shown? Personally I think in the last few years of school and they should be compulsory? We are kidding ourselves if we think they haven't seen worse before this age however at least this gives the full context?

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