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Original poster

Is this odd for me to ask? - DSs girlfriend?

337 replies

Isthisweirdthough · 14/03/2024 22:08

Ds has been with this absolutely lovely girl for around a year now. I adore her.

I managed to get 2 very good tickets for a band I love, and I know that she loves them too. The tickets were expensive so I want to take a fan.

Is it odd to ask her? I've bought tickets for ds, her and me to go to a couple of things before and its been fine, but this would be me and her alone.

It would involve travelling and an overnight stay.

This is my sons first serious relationship and I really want to include her in stuff, but don't want to be too overbearing either.

Would you feel weird if your boyfriends mum took you to a gig alone?

OP posts:

marshmallowfinder · 15/03/2024 03:16

Oh goodness, I'd feel weird if I were her. Agree with the pp who said it's all a bit intense. 🫤

MrsDoubtfire123 · 15/03/2024 03:58

If you have a 2 bed apartment booked ... You can invite your son and his GF , but only you and her go to the gig …. And he can get a takeaway for the 2/3 hours you are gone. That way it’s a little trip alway for them and you / her get to see a band you like. I would love this suggestion😂

Spencer0220 · 15/03/2024 04:12

I'd absolutely love it if I had a nice relationship with my mil and she thought of me as a plus one for a band I enjoyed.

I'd consider it an honour she invited me and not another friend.

But I'd think hard about doing an overnight on my own with her.

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Josette77 · 15/03/2024 04:24

Op you are lovely.

Invite her, she'll be thrilled!

Ignore people who find it intense or weird.

You sound like you have raised a lovely son and have a great relationship with his gf.

ohdamnitjanet · 15/03/2024 04:31

Abouttimeforanamechange · 14/03/2024 22:28

I wouldn't appreciate it of I was your DS. He's your DS' girlfriend of 1 year, not your friend.

DS doesn't get to control what his mother and his girlfriend do. It would be a red flag if he tried.

My ds would be delighted if I got on well enough with a gf to do this. He’d tell me if he thought she wouldn’t want to go.

ohdamnitjanet · 15/03/2024 04:35

Isthisweirdthough · 14/03/2024 23:01

I'll definitely ask ds to come, I don't think he will be able to unfortunately.

It's not intense really, I am agonising about getting this parenting an adult thing right, and trying to include my sons partner enough, but not too much (I had an absolutely horrendous upbringing so have absolutely no basis on what normal is, so check in with MN all the time when I'm unsure) I'm not feeling awkward about asking her, I would love to go with her, she's great company, I just wanted some advice on if its weird to ask, and how to go about it without sounding as though I'm some overbearing potential MIL from hell.

She's very important to ds, so that means she's important to me too, and I just want to get things right.

I don’t think it’s weird at all, my ds would be happy if a gf of his and I got on well enough to do something like this. I don’t know why you don’t just ask your son if he thinks the gf would like to go? That’s not asking permission, it’s just testing the water.

similarminimer · 15/03/2024 05:04

Come off it! You bought a spare £250 ticket without wondering who was going to use it?

I think you missed the point anout asking your son hoe he felt - its obviously not to ask him to decide on her behalf - it's to ask if he feels comfortable- before you even think of asking her.

Do you think you have always really planned to take her and dont want barriers to that

43ontherocksporfavor · 15/03/2024 06:37

I think it’s fine.

FlamingoQueen · 15/03/2024 07:09

You have to ask her! Imagine if she found out you had 2 tickets and took a non fan with you! Ask her, say she doesn’t have to reply immediately which gives her time to check if she’s working or pretend that she’s working if she doesn’t want to go. I bet you she says yes please!

MintyCedric · 15/03/2024 07:16

I think it’s absolutely fine to ask her and am a bit bewildered by the negative responses on here.

I went to the theatre with my first bfs when I was 17 and we’d only been together a few months.

We subsequently split up but I’m still in touch with her thirty years later and she came to my wedding!

FusionChefGeoff · 15/03/2024 07:23

I always try to give people the 'out' in the question something like "Are you free on xxx?? I've got tickets and would love to treat you but don't worry if you can't make it"

So it's quite easy for her to say no as she can just say she's not free??

Original poster

Isthisweirdthough · 15/03/2024 07:23

Frangipanyoul8r · 15/03/2024 02:17

Being friends with a child’s partner like this puts a huge amount of pressure on your DS to make the relationship work. Back right off and make some of your own friends.

I can't hold back on getting to know her or bonding with her just in case they split up at some point.

You absolutely can and should.

Genuine question- how long should I back off for?

What if they split at 2 years, or 5, or 20? Should I just never get to know her?

I do have my own friends, I don't need any more, but this woman is very important to my son, we aren't friends, but I do care about her, she's been in my life for over a year now.

My ds won't feel pressured by me, I have made absolutely sure he never feels any pressure and I always support him, even in the tougher times, we have a very open and honest relationship, and he would tell me if it wasn't working. If they split then DS is my priority, as he always has been.

OP posts:

Catsandcuddles · 15/03/2024 07:28

Frangipanyoul8r · 15/03/2024 02:17

Being friends with a child’s partner like this puts a huge amount of pressure on your DS to make the relationship work. Back right off and make some of your own friends.

I can't hold back on getting to know her or bonding with her just in case they split up at some point.

You absolutely can and should.

Ignore posts like these, of course you should continue make an effort to get to know her, she could be your future DIL. You don't need to back off, sounds like you have a lovely relationship with her.

I'm sure OP has her own friends, but she wants to take someone who will enjoy the experience as much as she will. You don't sound too intense at all OP, I would love a relationship like this with my MIL.

Original poster

Isthisweirdthough · 15/03/2024 07:30

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 15/03/2024 02:55

You are massively overthinking this. Why did you buy two tickets in the first place? Presumably so you could take her.

Just ask her. All this guff about parenting adults is just tying you up in knots for no reason. If she wants to go to the concert with you she will, if she doesn’t she won’t.

Overthinking and overanalysing every move you make is pointless.

This is what I do, I overthink everything wrt my kids. It annoys me no end.

I start off wondering something normal like "should I ask her" and end up spending hours thinking about every possible scenario that could ever happen.

That's why I often come here to ask, seemingly, pointless questions pretty regularly because I do tie myself up about everything.

OP posts:

Ioverslept · 15/03/2024 07:32

I'd ask the son what he thinks as he knows both of you

Original poster

Isthisweirdthough · 15/03/2024 07:33

similarminimer · 15/03/2024 05:04

Come off it! You bought a spare £250 ticket without wondering who was going to use it?

I think you missed the point anout asking your son hoe he felt - its obviously not to ask him to decide on her behalf - it's to ask if he feels comfortable- before you even think of asking her.

Do you think you have always really planned to take her and dont want barriers to that

I just bought two because they came up on resale, were great seats and I just grabbed them quickly on impulse.

Then I sat and thought they were so expensive I really want to take a fan who will appreciate it, and she was the first person I thought of.

I'm not short on people to go with, I just know she would love it, I just don't know if she would love it with me.

OP posts:

dastidlydaschel · 15/03/2024 07:34

I don't think it's weird at all OP. She likes the band, they've been together a year, you already get on well enough to have coffees with her socially without DS and she bought you a thoughtful sentimental Christmas gift.

I'd do separate hotel rooms though.

Approach it by messaging DS "I've got 2 tickets to see BandName in City. I know GF likes them and wondered if she'd like to come with me? It would mean an over night trip. Would you be ok with that? Do you think she'd like to come or would she think it's weird me inviting her? I don't want her to feel obliged."

See what his response is and go from there.

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 15/03/2024 07:35

Not weird.
invite her.

Original poster

Isthisweirdthough · 15/03/2024 07:36

FlamingoQueen · 15/03/2024 07:09

That's true, I never considered how she would feel if I don't ask.

I'm going to ask and give her the excuse of work and tell her to check her schedule so she just has to message and she can then say that can or can't go depending on how comfortable she feels.

OP posts:

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 15/03/2024 07:44

You sound lovely by the way. I had that sort of relationship with my first boyfriends mum, losing her was harder than him when we broke up!

Mrsjayy · 15/03/2024 07:47

Isthisweirdthough · 14/03/2024 22:15

She's 22, we do go for coffee or lunch on a semi regular basis without ds.

Ds wouldn't be coming because I don't have a ticket for him, he wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

I've booked a 2 roomed apartment anyway, I'll take one of my other dc if its a bad idea to ask her, they aren't keen on the band and I know she loves them which is why I thought of her. I just don't want her to think I'm 'that' kind of MIL(ish).

yes ask her she may be your Dil one day this is building up a good relationship.

Notamum12345577 · 15/03/2024 07:51

Isthisweirdthough · 14/03/2024 22:26

I'm not sure she will feel obliged to say yes, at Xmas time I had a conversation with her and I explained I've never done this parenting an adult thing, especially one in a relationship, and had a good old chat about stuff, so she knows she never has to feel obliged to do anything and I'll never take offence.

And she bought me a beautiful necklace with 'family' engraved into it which was so sweet of her, and I know they are looking to move in together after summer, so I really just want to include her (just enough, but not too much so Im overbearing though).

Maybe I'll message her and ask if she got tickets, and I know she will say no, and I'll tell her I have 2 but not sure who to take then she can either say herself, or suggest someone else?

But she might feel awkward suggesting herself if you ask who you should take 🤣
I would just say ‘I have got a spare ticket, say no if it would be too weird for you, but do you want to come?’

Coptional · 15/03/2024 07:52

You sound like a really lovely thoughtful mum and woman xx

crumblingschools · 15/03/2024 07:53

Would she feel awkward that you were giving her a gift that cost £250 plus share of cost of apartment?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/03/2024 08:01

I think it's a lovely thought, OP, and as long as you give her an easy way of declining, I don't see an issue with it.

My dd gets on fabulously well with her bf's mum and she would think it was supersweet if the mum came up with something like this. I don't think her bf would be bothered by it either.

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