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Original poster

Is this odd for me to ask? - DSs girlfriend?

337 replies

Isthisweirdthough · 14/03/2024 22:08

Ds has been with this absolutely lovely girl for around a year now. I adore her.

I managed to get 2 very good tickets for a band I love, and I know that she loves them too. The tickets were expensive so I want to take a fan.

Is it odd to ask her? I've bought tickets for ds, her and me to go to a couple of things before and its been fine, but this would be me and her alone.

It would involve travelling and an overnight stay.

This is my sons first serious relationship and I really want to include her in stuff, but don't want to be too overbearing either.

Would you feel weird if your boyfriends mum took you to a gig alone?

OP posts:
ramonaquimby · 14/03/2024 22:37

I think quite odd

familyissues12345 · 14/03/2024 22:40

I used to do loads with my boyfriend's mum at that age, I was like the daughter she'd never had!

If you think she might feel awkward then I'd say the same as other pp, I'd see if your son wants to come along and entertain himself whilst you're at the concert

Original poster
Isthisweirdthough · 14/03/2024 22:44

Unfortunately there's not a lot I can do about the overnight stay, the joys of living in the arse end of nowhere is the travel to do anything vaguely fun.

I'm sort of loathe to run it past ds to be honest, he's been brought up to know he can't control or decide on behalf of his partner, so I don't really want to go back on that now he has one.

I'm seeing her next week actually so will maybe just over explain that she hasn't to feel obliged but I have this ticket and she's more than welcome to come if she wants and can get time off work.

I had an overbearing mother and my MIL was the same so I'm really trying to get the right balance of involved and interested but not too much, I don't want to mess up.

She really loves the band though, maybe even more than I do, and we will be in the 2nd row so it will be amazing.

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Original poster
Isthisweirdthough · 14/03/2024 22:46

Scarletttulips · 14/03/2024 22:36

If it’s not til Christmas you son can ask for time off as precooked holiday.

It's in May so not much time at all.

We are all going to a gig at Xmas but that's with her, both my sons, one of my daughters and my partner.

OP posts:
novocaine4thesoul · 14/03/2024 22:47

AnaMaeve · 14/03/2024 22:30

Could DS accompany you both on the trip, staying in the apartment, with the two of you going off to the concert?

Would feel much more like a family trip.

I think this a great idea, you have said yourself that he would not fancy going to the concert, but I am sure lots of DC would love to have a trip away with their partner, and would be happy to have DM bankroll it (for the small "cost" or in most cases "advantage" of having mum there too) You have your own space. There is also nothing wrong in asking your DS what he thinks about you just going together or with him etc. Nobody is stealing anyone's relationship here and it is nice that you want to get on with your DS girlfriend and it can pave a good relationship in the future. Equally, don't be insulted if it is a no, not everyone is that confident, just take someone else. xx

WhateverMate · 14/03/2024 22:53

It all sounds a bit intense if I'm honest. She's only been with your son around a year, yet last Christmas she bought you a necklace with 'family' engraved into it?

And you go out together for lunch on a semi regular basis?

I mean if that's the case, I don't know why you feel awkward about asking her to go and see a band?

Sasqwatch · 14/03/2024 22:59

Isthisweirdthough · 14/03/2024 22:15

She's 22, we do go for coffee or lunch on a semi regular basis without ds.

Ds wouldn't be coming because I don't have a ticket for him, he wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

I've booked a 2 roomed apartment anyway, I'll take one of my other dc if its a bad idea to ask her, they aren't keen on the band and I know she loves them which is why I thought of her. I just don't want her to think I'm 'that' kind of MIL(ish).

I think it’s lovely, you sound a great ‘Mil’.

Original poster
Isthisweirdthough · 14/03/2024 23:01

I'll definitely ask ds to come, I don't think he will be able to unfortunately.

It's not intense really, I am agonising about getting this parenting an adult thing right, and trying to include my sons partner enough, but not too much (I had an absolutely horrendous upbringing so have absolutely no basis on what normal is, so check in with MN all the time when I'm unsure) I'm not feeling awkward about asking her, I would love to go with her, she's great company, I just wanted some advice on if its weird to ask, and how to go about it without sounding as though I'm some overbearing potential MIL from hell.

She's very important to ds, so that means she's important to me too, and I just want to get things right.

OP posts:
midnights0 · 14/03/2024 23:04

I think it's a lovely idea

theduchessofspork · 14/03/2024 23:05

If she’s 22 and you meet up anyway I can’t see why it wouldn’t be fine?

theduchessofspork · 14/03/2024 23:06

.. but if you are worried it will overstep his boundaries just check if he’d mind you asking her.

RosePombear · 14/03/2024 23:07

You sound lovely!!. I’m sure she would love it, it’s not weird to ask at all .

BarbieDangerous · 14/03/2024 23:08

saveforthat · 14/03/2024 22:13

Why did you write very good and then cross it out? Who"s the band?

OP was doing that to highlight that she purchased two very good tickets to see the band. Meaning they’re probably great seats and/or were expensive to buy.
Nothing more…

OldMrsHempstock · 14/03/2024 23:09

I went to a couple of gigs in my 20s with my then-boyfriend's mum, we had a great time!

WhateverMate · 14/03/2024 23:09

I understand what you're saying but as you and her have a fairly intense relationship already, considering they've only been boyfriend and girlfriend for about a year, it's probably not that weird.

LenaLamont · 14/03/2024 23:09

I think it sounds a very kind thing.

Ask if she fancies coming with you. Give her a reasonable 'out' to save face if she doesn't (in case she's the sort of person that would find an overnight thing awkward)

"GF, I managed to get two tickets for That Band We Love for London in May - do you fancy coming with me? I've got a 2 bedroom apartment reserved and it would be my treat. But if you've got too much on or it's too long a journey, I completely understand. Check your calendar and let me know."

AncientBallerina · 14/03/2024 23:09

Can you set up a WhatsApp group (family/close friends) and ask if anyone wants to go? Then you’re leaving it open and she can let you know if she wants to go? I do that a lot so no one is under pressure to do things they don’t want to.

HoppingPavlova · 14/03/2024 23:11

Maybe I'll message her and ask if she got tickets, and I know she will say no, and I'll tell her I have 2 but not sure who to take then she can either say herself, or suggest someone else

If you sent that message to me I’d be miffed. I’d take it as you have a spare ticket, had discounted me as a possibility (given you were not asking me directly if I wanted it), and were casting the net wider. I’d distance myself from you with such a message. Why not just say straight out you have a spare ticket and accomodation with seperate rooms booked and if she would like to go the tickets hers, but you completely understand if she’s not up for it or can’t go and will then take someone else? Why does this have to be so hard?

GYNisaliarWTF · 14/03/2024 23:15

I’m here to say a few things

  • you sound absolutely delightful
  • you’re worried that you’re doing it wrong, bad mums don’t worry they’re doing it wrong
  • I’m 30, I love gigs. If she isn’t coming, I am
  • you sound super thoughtful & mindful of both their feelings, but if you already meet up for lunches etc, and providing you’re not planning to ask her to go away for the night with you on a monthly basis (I’m sure this is a one off) - then absolutely.
  • I’d kill for a mother in law that thought about me like you do her, and been cautious in your approach, so be proud of that.

just say ‘hey DS’sGF, I’ve got tickets for bestbandever, wanted to give you first dibs on coming with me before I ask anyone else as I know you love them! Date is ‘x’ & I’ve booked an apartment, it’s all paid for! If you do fancy it please let me know, and if not don’t worry, I’ll ask one of the rest of the clan!’

I saw your PP, if you tell her you’ve got tickets then expect her to volunteer herself, that likely won’t happen (my mother would say that would be really cheeky to suggest)
and I’m assuming as you like her so much, she’s been brought up fairly well & would also not wish to come across rude to you.

good luck OP you’re doing a smashing job.

Roryhon · 14/03/2024 23:17

I’d ask her, but say you don’t want her to feel obligated or awkward and you understand if she doesn’t want to. Explain what you’ve said here, that you know she really likes the group and that’s why you are asking her.

PangoPurrl · 14/03/2024 23:17

HoppingPavlova · 14/03/2024 23:11

Maybe I'll message her and ask if she got tickets, and I know she will say no, and I'll tell her I have 2 but not sure who to take then she can either say herself, or suggest someone else

If you sent that message to me I’d be miffed. I’d take it as you have a spare ticket, had discounted me as a possibility (given you were not asking me directly if I wanted it), and were casting the net wider. I’d distance myself from you with such a message. Why not just say straight out you have a spare ticket and accomodation with seperate rooms booked and if she would like to go the tickets hers, but you completely understand if she’s not up for it or can’t go and will then take someone else? Why does this have to be so hard?

The OP has already explained why she is finding this hard!
I think that you sound fantastic OP, and the fact that you already do coffees and lunches with her would suggest she is happy in your company, and would hopefully be comfortable doing this trip with you. I'm dying to know who the band is!!

Lockpeopleinrooms · 14/03/2024 23:18

Weird. Does she deals want to hang out with you? Not being mean but realistic!

Catsandcuddles · 14/03/2024 23:18

Honestly I don't know why people on here things this is odd.

i think its great you have a good relationship with her and It's a lovely idea. She an adult, she doesn't need your DS to accompany her everywhere. You already know she's a big fan of the band ,just ask her. The worse she can say is no.

Lockpeopleinrooms · 14/03/2024 23:21

I'm sort of loathe to run it past ds to be honest, he's been brought up to know he can't control or decide on behalf of his partner, so I don't really want to go back on that now he has one

but she’s not your friend. She’s your child’s girlfriend.

also, if you have two tickets how can you bring your son?

it feels very weird to me

SilverTay · 14/03/2024 23:22

You sound like an amazing MIL. I know how you feel about not wanting to be "that" MIL.

My son and his GF are getting married soon and it's hard (for me) to get the balance of being too involved or looking like I don't care.

To be fair I don't really care where I sit or what button hole flower I have. Of course I'd love to sit at the top table, but all I want is for it to be the best day ever for my son and his wonderful partner. So I answer "It would be nice to sit at the top table, but whatever suits you two"

I sometimes think I come across a bit nonchalant, but I've read so much on here about awful MILs I'm terrified to put a foot wrong! Hahaha

So OP, what I'm saying is - I feel your pain.