Is this odd for me to ask? - DSs girlfriend?

[Isthisweirdthough]

Ds has been with this absolutely lovely girl for around a year now. I adore her.

I managed to get 2 very good tickets for a band I love, and I know that she loves them too. The tickets were expensive so I want to take a fan.

Is it odd to ask her? I've bought tickets for ds, her and me to go to a couple of things before and its been fine, but this would be me and her alone.

It would involve travelling and an overnight stay.

This is my sons first serious relationship and I really want to include her in stuff, but don't want to be too overbearing either.

Would you feel weird if your boyfriends mum took you to a gig alone?

If she loves the band that much I think it'd be more weird if you didn't ask her.

She often works nights so I could ask her to come and then say I totally understand if she can't come due to work and just message me when she finds out, then she won't have to tell me face to face and has a ready made excuse if she wants one. Does that sound OK?

Thank you for saying I sound lovely, I honestly doubt myself all the time. I have no idea what 'normal' is for a family (abusive childhood, abusive marriage, dp doesn't have kids so has no idea either) so I'm really just trying my best.

Thank god for MN, I ask stupid questions here all the time that may be obvious to other people, but sometimes I just need reassurance (sorry).

She really is an amazing young woman so the last thing I want to do is upset or offend or make her feel awkward in any way. My lovely son picked a good un ☺️

That's it, we just want our kids to be happy, in whatever way suits them.

I know we have the books we get from the midwife during pregnancy, why don't they give us a book when our kids hit 18 so we know what to do 🤣

I can't believe how many people on this thread are referring to the OP as her MIL??

They've only been dating around a year!

It's nice that you're getting on well with your son's girlfriend, but remember relationships often come and go, and that can be hard enough in itself, without such early intensity.

Ask your son for his thoughts

In all fairness I said 'MIL' as a shortcut, I don't think I am anywhere near a MIL yet just easier than saying her boyfriends mum, that's all.

I sound intense because I'm trying to get things right, in reality she got me a meaningful and thoughtful Xmas gift and we get coffee or lunch once a month and message maybe every couple of weeks. It's not intense at all, I'm just stressing about doing the right thing here. I'm actually really chill irl because I come here and talk things out before I do a lot of things, MN is my sounding board for what's normal behaviour.

Just offer her first refusal, as you know she likes the band, and don't over complicate things. Enjoy the concert.

I think the fact she is 22 and not 16 or 17 makes a big difference.
I think the fact that you have already met up with her for lunch or coffee puts you on a different footing from most of us too.

What I would do in your shoes is to start the conversation with "I hope you don't think this is weird, and you can 100% say no and I won't be the slightest bit offended, but...." and you can finish by saying you'd got some other people you could ask but wanted to ask her first as you know she wants to see the band. That way she needn't feel 'obliged'.

I mean, I, too was going to suggest inviting your ds to go too, but if his new job means he can't, then he can't.

Oh I have definitely over complicated things, I start off wondering if I should invite her out to a gig, and I end up analysing everything to the point I've imagined all my kids will go NC with me because I've made such a terrible mistake 🤣

Thank you everyone, I'm just going to mention it next week to her and take it from there.

I'm another in the "you sound lovely" camp!
I think if people find it weird then maybe they have different relationships with their adult children (also OK!). I still feel very young at heart and get on so well with my teens and their friends, so I don't think it's weird at all. Recently my dd (20) was organising a charity fashion show, and it was a double ticket, so she suggested I go with her bf ( who, like you, I really like) We had a good night, but I was really worried other folk would think me some kind of cougar!!!
I'd say just ask her!

I have young adult sons in relationships and I don't think I would feel comfortable going directly to their girlfriends first.

I think I'd probably talk to the son, invite them both away . If he says he can't make it, ask if he thinks GF would be cool with coming on her own. So not asking his 'permission' as such, just sussing out how she might respond.

From experience, it makes the relationship more complicated for young adults if they are integrated with the family. I really liked my ds’s first proper girlfriend and she liked me. All very nice until they have their problems.

DS actually put up with a lot that I had no idea about - her threatening to tell me things, getting angry that he might tell me things because she didn’t want me to hate her, DS hiding some awful things she did because we were all due to have a bbq together or whatever.. It complicates things for them when they’re so young.

Just noticed a couple of people asking who the band is.

It's Take That, I know it's sad but they were a light in an otherwise shitty childhood for me, so this is a massive deal for me (slowly been checking off seeing all my childhood heroes for years, trying to heal something I suppose) she started loving them when they came back again so we've bonded over our love for Take That many times before. £250 a ticket though 😭

I managed to get 2nd row, tickets right in the centre so I am BUZZING.

Just get ready to dump her when it all goes tits up and you have to be Team DS

Not that this is right but you will have to pick a side

edited to say I am only saying this because op stated it was his first serious relationship

I think it’s a nice idea

I do too.😀

I think it’s so sweet of you to think of her and offer. I would love it if my bfs mum thought of me this way! I would just ask her, and say I’ve got 2 tickets if you’d like to come along but don’t worry if you don’t want to or can’t make it. Think of it as a nice girls night away! I’ve only read your post so hopefully she says yes and can make it, good luck :)

Oh for sure they have had their issues at times, who hasn't, but they are moving in together soonish, so she's going to be around for a good while at least.

I can't hold back on getting to know her or bonding with her just in case they split up at some point. My ds loves her, she makes him very happy, and she's a fantastic young woman.

Maybe they will last, and maybe they won't, but I'll just continue to get to know her meantime. If it doesn't work out I'll be there to support my son, as I always have, and I'll just look back fondly on the time spent getting to know her and wish her well moving forward.

At the moment they are planning a future together so I'll just follow their lead with that.

That’s quite an expensive gig

VERY expensive, I've never spent that much on tickets for 2 people before, and probably never will again.

Will be worth it though.

Just invite her and have a fab time. You sound great

Being friends with a child’s partner like this puts a huge amount of pressure on your DS to make the relationship work. Back right off and make some of your own friends.

I can't hold back on getting to know her or bonding with her just in case they split up at some point.

You absolutely can and should.

You are massively overthinking this. Why did you buy two tickets in the first place? Presumably so you could take her.

Just ask her. All this guff about parenting adults is just tying you up in knots for no reason. If she wants to go to the concert with you she will, if she doesn’t she won’t.

Overthinking and overanalysing every move you make is pointless.

Great idea , have a fantastic time .
I went to Barcelona with my future mil after dating her son for 8 months.

I wouldn’t do this, if I was her I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying ‘take me!’ Even if I wanted to go. Just ask her but give her an easy out - say she doesn’t need to answer now and to think about it. Tell her you can easily take someone else if she doesn’t fancy if but you are asking because you know she’s a fan.

I think it’s a lovely idea if you get on well. Have you asked your son’s view?