Accidentally settled for such a small life

[longingfor]

I didn't really realise until it was too late, but I had my kids at 22 and 25. I got married at 26. I live not far at all from where I was born and raised. My eldest is happy and settled in school so I can't move, my husband is happy here. It's not an urban area (small town in Wales), jobs are limited. I do admin and earn £26k, even if I re-train the only jobs around here are within the NHS or the local council. We go on holiday once a year, but mainly kid friendly sunny breaks. I have good friends and do a city break with them once a year. My life is just so small though, isn't it? One of my sisters lives in Australia and is experiencing a whole new life to what we knew. My other sister has an amazing career and makes over £100k a year, doesn't have kids, goes on amazing holidays and seems to be out all the time having meals and drinks and experiences. I love my kids and my house and my husband and my friends but I can't help but feel panicky when I think about the choices I've made. How much I've limited myself to a place which can't do anything for me. I feel claustrophobic. I don't know why I'm posting, I've made my bed and now I need to lie in it, I suppose. Be grateful for the good bits, my kids etc. It just feels a bit like, is this it? I'm not even 30 yet, and it feels like everything is just done, and small. I don't know.

dont compare yourself .just think by the time you’re 50 your kids will be grown up and gone and you will have the world at your feet! You will still be young enough to do whatever you want

It's only small if you think it is, some would think it's heaven...

My parents had me young (18 and 22) and were awful parents. Then they had my sibling at 36 and 40 and were infinitely better parents to them. So I saw that and thought it was best to have children when you were older. I was wrong - what matters is whether or not you are a kind and decent person who is able to put your own needs behind those of your vulnerable children.

I've had my children later and I will be too old to do much once they are grown. You however, will not! Do not stop enjoying today by wishing it were different.

Sounds like there are many positives to me OP. Life will get easier as your family grows.

So beautifully put this actually made me cry given your situation too @5YearsLeft . May you find joy in every second of your time too x

I do hope your return to this thread OP, so many different ideas on here. I work in a library and I watch a lot of TV and as I read your post I thought, this poster literally has the idyllic life that writers and directors create to appeal to the rest of us with less than perfect lives.
You live in a small town so you know everyone so great for your mental and physical health. And it's in a lovely area.
And all the rest of the details just sound so healthy and comfortable. Anyway that's my way of looking at it!

This is your ‘nearly 30 midlife crisis!’

You could run for local council, that would be interesting, and it would give you an alternative view of the area where you live.

At least you are only 30. Imagine being nearly 42 and having children aged 17 and 5. Imagine you got diagnosed with adhd at the age of 39 and knowing that without a shadow of a doubt that with an earlier diagnosis and medication there is no way you would have chosen this 'small life' for yourself. Time is on your side, believe me. Good luck xx

Your oldest can only be 7/8? Moving school etc is less of a deal at that age than at 15 or something.

Bloody hell lass you've got years to change things.

I had 3 children by your age and no lw I'm in my 50s I finally have a good career.

"If you're on social media, delete it. It will make you feel bad."

If you're unhappy with your life, deleting social media isn't going to magically solve it.

I had my children at 21 and 23, ordinary admin job since 16. We are enjoying life now, much more disposable income, holidays, trips, festivals etc now that the children are adults so life changes and we are really enjoying our 50s.

This is a very short period of your life. Blink, and your children will be grown up. There’s plenty of time to do the things you want to do.

I love a quiet life, but if it’s not for you, you’re young, and we live many lives in one lifetime.

Lots of people think they're unhappy with their life BECAUSE they see other people's highlight reels on SM.

OP will know whether she's truly unhappy with her lot or whether, as others have said, comparison is the thief of joy.

I’m not sure why there seems to be lots of people telling the OP she should be grateful/love her life.

If you are in the ‘wrong’ life for who you are then it doesn’t really matter if it sounds idyllic to everyone else.

OP - like some others say if your life feels wrong and claustrophobic to you then I would start to try and find ways to change it. I’m much older than you and now trapped by circumstances ( child with Sen and single parent). One of the things I wish I could have been looking back is braver and more able to take a risk to follow the type of life that I knew deep down I wanted. I am lucky in that pre kids I did do a lot of things I loved. If such a big jump doesn’t seem possible then try and find the small things to do now that, sounds corny, but feeds your soul, who you are. For example my compromise is I live in a big city as this means when I do get out I can go to the ballet and theatre - my passion - and meet people who also love it. This expands my life whilst in the same place!

You are young though so you do have time - don’t try and push down what you feel because you think you ‘should’ be grateful for the life you have.

She hasn’t said she’s unhappy because of life on SM she said she’s unhappy because her life is small and she’s never really spread her wings.

Are you near enough to a University? If so could you retrain in something medical related there?

Other people's lives are still there whether you're seeing them on social media, in real life or in TV! This feeling isn't CAUSED by social media and OP's unhappiness is not going to magically go away.

My sister had her son at 20, lives five minutes from my parents and works an admin type job.

I moved to London, make over £100k and had my kids at 31 and 33.

I had a FANTASTIC 20s, went travelling multiple times, all the uni experiences, worked abroad, loved living in the city. My sister was doing the baby thing, as a single mother. It was hard.

BUT I am now struggling with the early kid years while hers is getting independent. I’m going to be tied down with huge mortgage payments and school fees (I know, it’s a luxury to be ‘tied down’ with these things but it sure doesn’t feel that way) for the next twenty years while her son will be independent before she is 40. I love my husband but she has the freedom that comes from being single and no desire to change that. I have better holidays and more expensive clothes but she has more time, both for her son and herself. And she has much more support from my parents just because they are closer to her.

My point is that there are pros and cons to both options. Sometimes I am jealous of her ‘small’ (but comfortable, supported and familiar) life and sometimes she is jealous of mine. You’ll always wonder about the path not taken but life is too short to do everything - and you’ll have child free time to do a lot more while you are still young.

But obviously if you are unhappy change it - do an online degree, move area, take up hobbies that give you purpose.

Dont worry this wont last.
Whats happened is that since you had your babies you have been living ' in their bubble'. It feels like theres no escape but gradually as they get older you will spread your wings. It might not be till theyre both in Senior school and when om Senior school its a shock because suddenly they have their own social circle and youre excluded. So this is where your own life expands and you are Reborn, free to experience whatever you want.

But she’ll still be stuck in a small town with limited opportunities. I think she should move away now, while the children are still young. Otherwise she’s wasting years of her life unnecessarily.

Small towns have trains and buses and coaches or access to motorways and airports! we live in a lovely village near a small town. If I feel claustrophobic I book a day return to London and enjoy a day out. Birmingham airport is a 30 mins away and we can visit Europe for a few pounds. Airfares are inexpensive these days.
Please don't let small towns hold you back.
OP tell us where you are and we can help suggest some adventures.

You’ll only be 45 when your youngest is an adult. You can retrain, travel, whatever. The world will be your oyster!
Meanwhile, another 45 yr old who took a different route, may well be struggling with relationships/infertility etc.
You’re just on the small children treadmill, it won’t be like this forever!

I did all the family stuff young too but consequently was able to go to Uni when I was 40 (sponsored by my employer) to get a professional qualification. Then I did another stint to do an MSc & graduated again @ 50. All the study led me to a much better career than I could have anticipated when I was at home with young children. Opportunity comes around when you least expect it!

I had my kids young, now 40 and I can go away without worrying about school holidays etc etc, and am still young enough to enjoy things. Was I a bit envious when I saw people my age living it up? A little yes, but now I can and they can’t as much as they have young kids, also at my age my earnings are also higher than they would have been in my early 20s, so I can afford to do all that stuff easier!