How do I tell my neighbour I can hear her?

[BoomBoomBoomLemmeHearYouSayWayOh]

We moved in semi-recently and I can hear my neighbour having sex.

First time I thought it was a one off (maybe his birthday, 😂) as I didn't hear anything the first few months.

But now 2 or 3 times a week I can hear her (only her not him) as if she's in my hallway!
It's not a creaky bed or anything that can't be helped, it's loud, dramatic moans and 'yes, yes' type stuff

I have preteen/young teen kids who can clearly hear her too and it's really starting to piss me off when she starts.

DH and I manage to have sex without the whole house knowing. Never mind the neighbours.

I don't know her that well so I don't know whether to

A) bang on the wall (which I did last time but it was only my fist and I don't think she could hear it over her own squeals, so next time I'll use a shoe)

B) Wait till I see her and say something, which I have planned to do but just not seen her and I feel knocking on her door is way too intrusive. And WTF would I say.

C) put a note through the door. But again WTF do I write?

I feel almost rude asking her to keep it down in her own home but it's embarrassing sat in bed reading, listening to her howling.

A few nights ago DS was sat in bed with me and she started and he was so embarrassed.

I wonder if that's why the previous house owner sold/moved out 🤣🤣
Don't mind the angry comments OP, it's totally normal you don't want your children hearing these sounds.

Probably, imagine that coming up with the conveyancing solicitor in searches and surveys....have you ever had a dispute with your neighbours....yes we fell out cos I could hear them shagging all the time that's why we're moving!!!!

If you can hear her, she can most definitely hear you, why do you think you manage to go without making any noise and no one knows? Noise travels both ways.

I've been following your post, are you actually sure they are having sex or do u think they're making porn videos, and all this noise is for effect. The way you describe it is its very theatrical and put on like in films!! BTW I don't think you're a prude, I would seriously have to say something either by note or knock on door , it's all a bit ott

I would record the noises and play it back on full volume as soon as they’ve finished. They should get the message and technically you can record what you like in your own house so you’re not doing anything wrong

Because some of us are not noisy? I would be mortified to know that my Sons bedroom is right next door to mine.... and he potentially could hear me. So I would have some awareness to keep it right down. There's no real need to be moaning out loud FFS!! We are adults.

I find it unhinged that parents on hear feel its OK for your kids to hear you make sex noises and just pass it off as "a part of life". It's disgusting and it shows a lack of respect for your own kids!

Exactly 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

But the neighbours are having sex in their own bedroom, not in OPs bedroom, people are fine to have sex and make any sounds they feel like. You can gag yourself not to make noises if you so wish but you have no agency over how other people chose toenjoy themselves in the privacy of their bedroom.

Does that mean they can play slayer at full volume at 3am in their own room? Or have parties 6 nights a week? Or take up playing the drums and practice at 11pm every night in the 'privacy of their own bedroom'?

They might be in their own room but they are not exercising 'privacy', the opposite in fact. The or noise is affecting us, their neighbours, in a negative way and that's not alright.

@Wouldyouguess You cannot make any sounds you like in your own home. You need to be reasonable. Having loud sex and waking people up is not a reasonable level of noise and it can be actioned through the local authority.

It is a myth that people think you can do what you like in your own home. If it has a negative impact on others and becomes a nuisance then no you can't do as you please.

@Wouldyouguess It would be a case of 'privacy of their own bedroom' if they kept the noise to a level where it was only detectable in their own bedroom, not through an exterior dividing wall and an internal bedroom wall.

If they were having sex at a normal level (please consider I cannot hear any other normal level noises from their room such as talking, laughing, sneezing etc I only ever hear these people during sex) and I was at the wall with a glass listening then complaining, yes that would not be acceptable. I would be invading their privacy. But with the level of noise they make, they are invading mine.

People do have the right to make a certain level of noise in their own home without question. Everyday noises.

But the point is this is excessive noise, way over talking level. It's shouting.

And if they were making that level of noise in any other context (arguments for example) that would not be acceptable.

The fact that it's sex doesn't negate the fact it's disturbing our peace.

I wouldn't have the front personally to make a point of going round to confront her, but I would probably be tempted to make a comment in passing, ie if you see her in the front garden or pulling up from work, make a reason to go out ie take recycling out etc and make a comment like "you sounded like you were having fun last night" she will probably be so mortified she might keep her noise down.

If however she doesn't care and proceeds to be extremely noisy you could ask her to keep it down a bit as the kids find it embarrassing.

And last resort is sound proofing the joining wall.

I know if it was me the first comment alone would be sufficient to make me shut up lol

Do you never watch sex scenes in movies? Not all women are shouters and screamers. It's perfectly normal for women to have amazing sex lives without being loud. If OP says she is quiet I believe her.

I was just thinking, "That's what Roseanne and Dan Connor thought too!".

Maybe she is recording something for OnlyFans or is a camgirl?

I had a neighbour like that, it was only her you could hear, moaning and screaming and howling! Then she got pregnant and it all stopped and did not resume after the birth...

Ha reality bites!

Have some fun with it. Next time you hear them give them a round of applause when they are done, or very loudly marks out of 10 or a running commentary as if it's a sports event. Or perhaps you and your DH do a very vocal fake sex session of your own complete with moans, dirty talk and screaming.

What do you mean by that? Surely she can only hear her if OP is making as many (or close to) the decibels the neighbour’s making? Doesn’t mean she can hear OP talk or sneeze.

I actually don’t like noisy sex, it’s distracting. I don’t mean there should be a no noise rule but too much noise means (to me) the person isn’t really engaged in the sensations and is just acting up.

What I meant is that OP may be thinking she is a ninja while having sex but that people may very well be aware of her, it's just that she thinks they dont. And I lived in a flat when I heard people cough, sneeze and walk and talks, so... Wonder of OP would like a bank on the wall every time she makes a step because someone hears it.

But I'm not heard by anyone. 😂

How many times do I have to explain? We have thick victorian walls and we don't hear anything. Nothing.

The only thing I ever hear is the baby if he is crying full throttle, toddler meltdown, and only if I'm in the room next to his nursery and there's no TV on.

Or her having sex.

If normal noise carries I would hear other, normal family noises. I hear NOTHING. So a normal level of noise does not carry through the walls only SHOUTING.

Its a terrace and there's a family of 6 on other side and I've never heard a dot from them. Not a thing.

I do not shout when having sex so I know I can't be heard by anyone, not rocket science.

I think you've got a pretty good handle on the situation, OP - I had a neighbour like this and we only heard noises when they had sex.

Also, it's absolutely not OK for anyone else to regularly hear your sex noises when they have no choice in the matter. Kids should absolutely not be hearing sex noises - that's seriously not OK. It's not prudish to say this - I've done some absolutely outrageous sex stuff with an (adult, consenting) audience so I can categorically say I'm not a prude but this is Not OK.

I think you should just knock on her door and have a matter of fact conversation. It’s just sex, isn’t it?

I would clap and scream out 7 out of 10 for that performance or something along those lines and if that didn't work I'd have to go and knock and say "I want some of what you're having!!"

On a serious note I would just write a letter and say that they are entitled to enjoy each other but that the kids can hear them and you're running out of excuses to tell them what could be going on next door as you have already told them it's a murder but she's still around 🤣