How do I tell my neighbour I can hear her?

[BoomBoomBoomLemmeHearYouSayWayOh]

We moved in semi-recently and I can hear my neighbour having sex.

First time I thought it was a one off (maybe his birthday, 😂) as I didn't hear anything the first few months.

But now 2 or 3 times a week I can hear her (only her not him) as if she's in my hallway!
It's not a creaky bed or anything that can't be helped, it's loud, dramatic moans and 'yes, yes' type stuff

I have preteen/young teen kids who can clearly hear her too and it's really starting to piss me off when she starts.

DH and I manage to have sex without the whole house knowing. Never mind the neighbours.

I don't know her that well so I don't know whether to

A) bang on the wall (which I did last time but it was only my fist and I don't think she could hear it over her own squeals, so next time I'll use a shoe)

B) Wait till I see her and say something, which I have planned to do but just not seen her and I feel knocking on her door is way too intrusive. And WTF would I say.

C) put a note through the door. But again WTF do I write?

I feel almost rude asking her to keep it down in her own home but it's embarrassing sat in bed reading, listening to her howling.

A few nights ago DS was sat in bed with me and she started and he was so embarrassed.

Well, ahem if I could hear people talking …..

A mini Oscar statue?

Sorry but that is nit true , I lived and grew up in Italy , Portugal and Spain and it’s nit normal to hear your neighbors having sex and in those 3 countries I lived in apartments. There is no way this would be tolerated with children nearby

She would never say yes to a coffee but it does indicate that you still want to be friendly and a kind of 'no hard feelings' sort of thing

I never said it was normal. Nor did I say it was abnormal.
But PP have referred to couples being "at it" and "doing the deed" and such like and I think comments like that show an element of sexual repression. People from other countries may be sexually repressed too.

I can see how hearing people having loud sex through the wall might be annoying but I can't help but feel that the OP might be guilty of thinking that the world revolves around her and her children.

Do what i do burst out laughing really loud and boom,boom shake the room she bangs,she bangs.my neighbours bedroom is through the wall from my sitting room so i once said to her can you pull your head board away from the wall please as my sitting room is just next to your bedroom.Downstairs sleep in sitting room below me so i just laugh so loud they stop it's not my fault they got 3 kids &2 bedroom flat

A few things I tried with my neighbour when he finally got a girlfriend (he's an ugly, aggressive, lazy, useless twat):-

Laugh really loudly.

Shout 'she's faking it'

Sing/play 'What's the story Morning glory' really loudly

Sitting in my garden last summer with my friends round discussing the neighbours sex life in a voice loud enough for them to hear after we hada prosecco or 2 totally sorted it though 👌 😳

Hopefully it's a new relationship and the novelty will wear off soon and they'll start having normal quiet sex!

Post her a gag with the note.🤣🤣🤣

You have loud sex don’t you? 😁

“Alexa, please play sex noises”
Job done

The people sticking up for the neighbour are you into loud sex and don't mind who hears even children? Me & DH are quite adventures but don't like to involve anybody else.

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. I think if I was the neighbour either a bang on the wall or a note would be equally mortifying but I feel the banging on the wall is slightly more aggressive than the note. The note seems friendlier.
On a different note (pun intended) I find things like this hugely fascinating. For millenia, humankind lived cheek by jowl, in one room certainly and perhaps even sharing a bed. There was no privacy whatsoever anywhere or at anytime and yet the human race continued to procreate and pootle along as normal. Even right up until probably the 1920's/30's depending on economic status. You wouldn't have your own bedroom if you was poor, you all bunked in together. It's fascinating how social attitudes change over time, and now the thought of anyone hearing anything is horrific. Yet for thousands of years people had sex not just in earshot of their kids etc but in the same room, or even the same bed as their family members! Imagine that! Crazy to think now isn't it?
For the record, I have to get my husband to check my 13 year old is asleep numerous times before we get down to it, and then are pretty much silent, just small whispers and moans. If alone during the day we are louder but I still wouldn't want my neighbours or the street to hear anything. My husband is louder than me and sometimes I've had to put my hand over his mouth at the point of climax (when we're alone, not at night when son is sleeping it's just during the day he's more likely to let his hair down more lol). The thought of anyone hearing us makes my blood run cold. But still, from an anthropological stand point, the change in attitudes over time is interesting

I might have to get an alexa for mine!! I call her “oh baby”

Absolutely ‘reached the level’
Which is 34 db. ie 10db above the normal and measured inside the complainants home or outside in the street if more than one are complaining.
As it’s such a grey area councils will only measure the db if more than one is complaining and they know when the noise is likely to occur.

Given this is unlikely OP might be able to get a warning letter sent from the council which might do the trick.

Lots of good advice. You could also, after they've gone quiet, simulate the same (or do it for real of course) at the top of your lungs while bashing the headboard with a hammer and playing a sexy song on full volume?

This is the last time I'll be posting on this thread as being told I'm repressed or boring or a prude etc just isn't what this is about.

And people saying "If I can hear them, they can hear us" is absolutely not true as I would feel absolutely ridiculous moaning and shouting at that immense volume!

For context in her bedroom where she is making this racket we have never heard ANY other sound. Nothing.

Not a sneeze
Not a cough
Not laughter
Not a wardrobe door slamming
Not a drawer closing
Not a song playing
Not her child
Not the TV.

Absolutely non of those NORMAL volume, every day noises are audible through the wall.

Yet the level of noise she makes during sex has woken me up.

If she was having sex at a normal level of noise I wouldn't hear her.

She is being disrespectful moaning so loud it can be heard in my sons roo. Through 2 walls.

There's absolutely no need for it.

I have a brilliant sex life, varied and exciting but I manage to do that without involving my kids or neighbours.

No. The council won’t leave a recording device I’m afraid as it needs to be proved where it’s coming from.
They have to do it themselves.

Apologies. It’s not a recording devise 🤣🤣. It’s a sound pressure level metre that measures the noise level….

There's such a huge part of me that wonders if you're in Coventry in my old house but from the sort of replies you've had it looks like people have no problem with this level and type of noise everywhere!

You're not unreasonable to ask them to keep it down.

They might ignore your request though. I doubt she's shy about being heard if she's as loud as you say she is. Maybe think about what you'll do if they ignore your ask/what your options are.

Good luck!

Normal, decent people would be mortified to know that their neighbours' kids or teens could hear them having sex. Doesn't matter if the kids are old enough to know what it is; it's embarrassing! Yes, I judge people who are happy to have other innocent strangers (including neighbours) overhear their performatively loud sex.

@Minymile Within my local authority, there is no level that noise nuisance has to reach. If it's having a negative impact on other peoples lives, they will install noise monitoring equipment. In my experience, it doesn't need more than 1 person complaining.

@Wingham the council will provide noise monitoring equipment if it has reached a level where it is necessary to do so. They won't rely on recordings made by the complainant as they could have been made anywhere and there's no proof it is the neighbours in question.

Ok. It doesn’t in mine.

Nor will they come out in the early hours or at the weekends unless they have prior notice.

They will send ‘advisory’ letters out but that’s it.

They say they follow the Govn advice on this re measuring dbs. We have checked the Govn website and they are.

Perhaps you’re lucky to live in a council with enough money, It seems we aren’t.

Not sex noises but the flat downstairs from me used to have an arguing couple and now an angry dad shouting then baby crying and screaming… both told me they were “passionate”.
Both situations quietened down immediately and significantly after a knock on the door asking if everything is ok and can I call for help, the police, perhaps? or social services? for them.
The arguing couple reacted with a charm offensive, wrote a card thanking me for checking on them and left a lovely orchid outside my door.
The unhappy family ignore me in the hallway but dad no longer shouting so much.
Be brave and talk to them about it. They will be far more embarrassed than you

You should have alerted social services. That baby is being subjected to a form of abuse.