Is this normal for children's parties now?

[bumblebee1987]

My DD is turning 5 soon, and we're planning her Birthday party. She's never had a party before, and she wants a big party with her whole class, so that's what we're doing.

I am a bit out of touch with children's parties, my DS is 11, and he didn't really go to many parties at all (I think partly due to having SEN, he never seemed to get invited) and we stopped trying to plan parties for him because generally they weren't well attended, and I couldn't face the heartbreak of so few people turning up.

Anyway, I digress! My daughter is in reception, and has so far been to six class parties since she started school. At every party so far, there has been a buffet for the parents, as well as alcohol provided at five of them (not a boozy affair, just a bit of beer and prosecco!). Is this normal now? I don't want to not provide food for parents if this is expected, but ideally I just wanted to focus on the children and just provide tea/coffee/bit of cake for parents.

Also, I am noticing a trend for both parents of the invited child and siblings to attend. Is this also the norm now? Would it be rude to politely ask that only the invited child attends? Obviously if a parent is struggling for childcare then siblings would be welcome, but my party budget/space doesn't really stretch to lots of additional children and parents! I would love to have a more the merrier approach, but based on parties we've been to so far, I think that could quickly spiral to a fairly substantial amount of children, and my daughter is shy and uncomfortable with people she doesn't know well.

I'm probably overthinking it all...haven't planned a party for a long time, can you tell?!

Food for the adults has been 50:50. At any party where the food was made/bought by the hosts then yes, but I’ve also been to play barn or trampoline park type affairs where it’s only the kids included in the food. Tbh it might be best to get numbers in advance and go for something like that rather than a self catered party. That way you also won’t feed siblings. Tbh though for my son’s birthday we only spent £30 on food in Aldi and made loads of sandwiches plus crisps, hummus and carrot sticks and tomatoes and there was plenty for adults and kids and extras. Just make/get a big enough cake.

In reception definitely the parents stayed (mostly just one parent, a few children had both parents stay), and in year 1 it was about 50/50 split whether people stayed or dropped and went. I always provided food for the parents as well, and drinks wise it was more coffee / tea and cold drinks, although the odd one would have a glass of wine. For context though we live in a very rural area so everyone had to drive to our house and most of them lived in similarly rural areas. I used to make things for the parents that could just easily be reheated on the day - vegetable curry, lasagnes, vegan chilli etc, and just cook a vat of rice while it was reheating. That’s what seemed to be the norm at parties we went to as well, but occasionally it would be a buffet. Of course you only have to do it once or twice and then your child will be in year 2 and no parents will stay so you only have the children’s lunch to think about 😂 We have always had whole class parties but there are only 8-10 in a year group at my children’s school so combined with a few other friends from outside school it’s usually 16 ish children plus mine. I did one huge party for my eldest when he was 5 and one for my youngest when he was 4 and we had about 40 children and an entertainer etc, they were fun but I think they enjoy the smaller parties at home more. I’ve never had siblings turn up unannounced, so that’s not been a problem.

I used to do parties for my son when he was younger, there was always tons of sandwiches, crisps, jelly and loads of homemade cakes: carrot cake, coffee cake, Victoria sponge, fairy cakes and a bought Birthday cake on the table so the adults who stayed could help feed the kids and munch a piece of cake. I would offer cups of tea, but wouldn't dream of putting out any alcohol.

Whose party is it?

Why is 5 a bit young for a drop off party? They are dropped off for school arnt they?

Not exactly the same thing is it.

Never had alcohol, or food for parents, although we all dived in like gannets once the kids had finished. Sometimes tea/coffee/squash was available for parents but at 2 hours max you can probably survive.

We always did parties in the garden/garage so did offer tea and coffee, but at softplay or somewhere like that you'd buy your own. I'm fairly sure hall parties really just catered for the kids. (Not fancily affluent, but M/C village life).

Rare for both parents to stay, it would normally be one until the child was old enough to be left - but occasionally both came if no other siblings, or SEN. Sometimes parent would ask if they could bring younger sibling/s - as we had space I always said yes and made them party bags, but nobody ever turned up unexpectedly.

Food! The first couple of years I made loads of sandwiches and fruit kebabs etc. Don't! They are too excited to eat anything much and what they do eat won't be the 'healthy' stuff. A big bowl of mini sausage rolls, loads of crisps and some small cakes, and some carrot sticks, dips and grapes is all you need.

And remember to ask about any intolerances etc. Ideally do the party between 2 and 4 or 3 and 5, so they've had lunch, and are ready for party snacks after an hour or so.

Love the idea about the superhero capes for party bags. The bags were always the hardest part - that and getting the cake cut up, wrapped and put into each (named) bag before they all go home. We had themed parties so I always tried to put themed stuff in the bags, it was a soul-destroying use of many hours of my life.......😄!

And make sure you have a whatsapp group for all parents, or phone numbers etc - just in case a parent goes home or for future years etc. Good luck!

Why isnt it?

Goodness that sounds awful. Parents stayed with nursery age chn but once at school i stipulated drop off and pick up times in the invitation. Parents mostly appreciate a couple of hours to do some jobs.

Never did with ours (teens now). As PPs have said, the first couple of years were usually supervised, although if you know your child is really good friends with x and x's parents are happy to keep an eye on both, for example, you might leave.

A very boring way to spend our time when parents of 4/5/6 year olds - but it soon passes. Once you have seen how your child is in that set up you can judge whether you are happy to leave them (and after checking with the hosts - even 'safe' places like soft play may not be totally secure).

I think the main thing is that it would be unfair to expect the party hosts to feel responsible for an unsupervised child, whereas at school the teachers take on that role. But my DCs did go to one party in a locked hall with a Mum who was a pre-school teacher, and she was happy for us to drop and run. That was the only one for the first couple of years though.

Thank you for your explanation I coulndnt possibly hsve known any of this before!!!! But FOR THE CHiLD there is no difference.

@Julimia but you asked the question 😂. I think @Teenagehorrorbag explained it great.

Of course it’s different for the child, it’s a bloody party, not school! There’s no school like structure, perhaps different adults and kids and plus, a 5 year old doesn’t get to decide whether they feel comfortable staying, whether it feels different to school or not, it’s down to the parents.

Personally speaking, I've done both. I've held a party in a hall for one of my children with a soft play brought in for the children and have supplied a buffet for all in attendance. There was a bar at the hall so if people wanted some alcohol they had the option to purchase this. I found this the most expensive.
I've also done soft play at a soft play location where there isn't a buffet and only the children are supplied with food. This was cheaper but shorter.
I've always just done what I can afford for my kids.

I held one at the weekend:I cater for the adults but only as far as tea/coffee and central food. No alcohol as we're in a rural area in Scotland and everyone drives to the venue.I deliberately invited siblings, but my daughter knows them all (small school, where the kids mix with the older years). Inviting them removes the ambiguity and allows for easier planning.What I don't like is the trend of party bags for the parents which some friends have done. I don't think it's at all necessary and adds pressure to other parents who can't afford it (as they include booze and other expensive treats). I'd prefer to spend money on the children.

I’m have only been to a few parties where they have catered for the parents (this was the same parent three years running and wasn’t a whole class thing) never had any others and wouldn’t expect it either.
Depending on where the party is maybe offer some hot drinks but don’t feel
obligated to do it.
Parties are for the children not the parents.

Mumsnet fucking hilarious. 'plied them with alcohol'. Lol.

I would say most I take DS to have some alcohol and some nibbles for the adults. That's what we did too this year, last year it was in the morning so I did hot drinks and warmed up pastries. One went all out with charcuterie board, cheeses, hot pastries etc etc.

Absolutely no suggestion of anyone leaving five year olds, but sometimes we do split and share between a group of friends.

I have never heard of this. We have attended loads of parties. I think it is terrible if this is an expectation. You're already offering plenty, and for a small gift/sometimes no gift. I don't see how parents can expect this tbh. What a greedy society we live in. Can parents not make it about the children,without needing something as well? There is always usually a little cafe you can pay for a drink/snack, if necessary.
Each to their own, but drunk parents at a dc's party is cringe, you'll always get somebody who will drink too much, and most driving. If parents want this, why not have a party for grown ups without the dcs.

My thoughts exactly. At a 5th birthday party, a parent thought it appropriate to drop and run. The host was not informed, the invitation didn't suggest that this was okay, and the parents weren't friends.
The host had to follow their little girl around to get her for the buffet/cake/help her when she fell and hurt herself. The poor woman had enough to do running around, making sure everybody was having a good time, looking after one of her own dc who was in the spectrum etc. It was ridiculous and so very ignorant of the parents. In addition, the venue was also open to the public!!

Make your invitations clear. I've always made my own Word Doc party invites. State the start and finish times and RSVP info. At 5 years old, always invite parents to stay. (The parents of your children's friends are the more important friends you have as they grow up. They're your childcare, your children's supporters, the one's who will wave at them in school performances and all the above vice-versa.) Alcohol is not needed - although we always brought along a box of wine and a few beers, because when we socialise ourselves, we provide alcohol. At 5 years old, parents expect to stay. So look after them a bit. Probably 1 or 2 parents at the party, you'll form a really close friendship with over the next 5-10 years. They'll be the people with the same values as you. And if you're lucky, the same sense of humour.

I like a drink but can not get my head around alcohol being provided at children's parties. I have five children ranging from late 20's down to 9 and have been to many parties and have also hosted many parties and this has never been a thing. Its like you are hosting a party for for everyone and not the target audience (children). Then again I am from a very working class area and money can be an issue, parties can be expensive enough as it is without the extra pressure of thinking you have to budget for food and alcohol for the parents as well.

I have only been to 3 kids parties so far, 2 of them being for the same child. 2nd and 3rd birthday. They really went all out with the food. A slow cooker filled with some kind of cowboy stew. A taco station, cheeseboard, loads of stuff. I was really impressed.

The last ones buffet was big too, definitely catered for adults.

This year will be DS4 first proper party and I intend to make the usual children's buffet but also some bits for the adults. No alcohol though. If you can't go without a beer for a children's party, then I probably don't want you there lol

At the parties I went to where this happened - and when we did it at ours - it was just the offer of a glass of fizz from a bottle of prosecco / cava, not everyone wanted it, probably cost £20 or so in all.

It's not catering for all the adults, getting in a range of drinks like you'd do for an adult party. And it wasn't lime the adults had lots to drink - just a glass.

It was a nice touch, I was pleasantly surprised to be offered it and did the same at ours, it be ame a bit if a tradition among DS's friends. The same didn't happen with Dad's friends parties though.

Can I give you some advice from the future.
When it comes to kids parties, do exactly whenever the fuck how want.
Don’t waste a second angsting over what you “should” do. Invite who you want, leave out who you don’t like (whilst not being actively unkind, hopefully), have the venue and activity you want without worrying how people will get there, where will they park, does the time of day work for those with toddlers blah blah.

Kids have the same fun whether they are haring around your garden with a bowl
of crisps on the side or taken to Alton Towers and given a full buffet. Any parent with any kind of nous won’t give a shit and will just throw their kids out of the car and enjoy a sit down.
The kids will have a blast then never think about your party again. Any angst is totally
wasted.

I recommend Cotton Twist for party bags.

Yeah same.
At our last party we gave the adults a mug of mulled wine and a mince pie, which they appreciated in a drafty church hall in December. It wasn't as if everyone was getting smashed.

This is mumsnet. You must be an alcoholic!