Is this normal for children's parties now?

[bumblebee1987]

My DD is turning 5 soon, and we're planning her Birthday party. She's never had a party before, and she wants a big party with her whole class, so that's what we're doing.

I am a bit out of touch with children's parties, my DS is 11, and he didn't really go to many parties at all (I think partly due to having SEN, he never seemed to get invited) and we stopped trying to plan parties for him because generally they weren't well attended, and I couldn't face the heartbreak of so few people turning up.

Anyway, I digress! My daughter is in reception, and has so far been to six class parties since she started school. At every party so far, there has been a buffet for the parents, as well as alcohol provided at five of them (not a boozy affair, just a bit of beer and prosecco!). Is this normal now? I don't want to not provide food for parents if this is expected, but ideally I just wanted to focus on the children and just provide tea/coffee/bit of cake for parents.

Also, I am noticing a trend for both parents of the invited child and siblings to attend. Is this also the norm now? Would it be rude to politely ask that only the invited child attends? Obviously if a parent is struggling for childcare then siblings would be welcome, but my party budget/space doesn't really stretch to lots of additional children and parents! I would love to have a more the merrier approach, but based on parties we've been to so far, I think that could quickly spiral to a fairly substantial amount of children, and my daughter is shy and uncomfortable with people she doesn't know well.

I'm probably overthinking it all...haven't planned a party for a long time, can you tell?!

Haha, yes I do feel like kids parties have got a lot more extravagant these days! I remember parties similar to what you describe when I was a child!

Yes the sibling thing is a bit tricky as I absolutely don't want people to feel they aren't welcome, but it's tricky to politely ask that they only bring siblings if they actually have to, i.e- if your partner is at home, then please just bring the invited child as it's not a family day out!

If it's a "venue" party like soft play, parents won't expect to be catered for and can buy themselves a coffee or a snack if they want to. If it's a self-catered traditional party buffet, I always catered for parents and siblings as well. If it was at our house (I've already been accused of lying on MN this evening for saying we did whole-class parties at home 😂) then we did offer a beer or glass of wine for adults as well. And always spare party bags for siblings.

It's in the village hall, so everything will be sorted out and provided by us.

I can't deal with the lack of control with soft play type parties 😂

I've never been to a party in a village hall. That isn't a thing around here at all.

Soft play sounds so much easier. The parents stay so when their kid runs out crying/needing the bathroom - the parents do it.

When my kids have an activities parties in a venue where food isn't included, we order pizzas which we serve, followed by birthday cake. Always order extra pizzas because one ravenous kid will usually eat a whole pizza themselves!

For one activity party we had to supply everything ourselves from napkins to plates to the jugs for the juice. It was horrible and stressful. Never again!

DH and I don't drink alcohol at all, so I just wasn't sure what was normal or expected! It seemed odd to me at first, but I wasn't sure if the first party set the precedent and now everyone else has followed suit?! Maybe we'll buck the trend!

can adults not attend a party of some random pupil in their DC's class without drinking a beer or a glass of bubbly?

I would imagine the answer to that is very much yes?

Not sure why that doesn't mean it shouldn't be provided if the host wants to provide it though?

I imagine they can also manage to attend without the host providing food, but again that doesn't mean they shouldn't provide it if that's what they want to do.

@bumblebee1987

How did your DD cope at the other parties?

talk to her, she's the one wanting a whole class party.

she could just do an activity party with a few chosen friends, if she's too shy?

if it's actually a money thing, just do what you want/can afford.

these things are very different in different areas/grouos. You've been to several now so you know what your local norm is. But you don't have to go along with it!

I absolutely don't want people to feel they aren't welcome, but it's tricky to politely ask that they only bring siblings if they actually have to, i.e- if your partner is at home, then please just bring the invited child

As I said previously, village halls birthday parties are not a thing around here so I hope I'm not asking a silly question. Does it really matter if siblings attend? I mean it won't cost you any more than a little extra food and a few extra party bags? If it was a pay per head party, I totally understand you won't want to pay £15 extra per child but you have already hired the space so what does it matter?

It's weird that people seem to assume that accepting a drink at a social occasion means you couldn't last a couple of hours without one why on earth would it mean any such thing?!

Oh wow, that's so alien to me because around here, 90% of parties are in village halls and parents sort everything! I don't think either of mine have ever been to a soft play type party?!

Yeah and yet they'd probably be 'discusted' if there was no cake provided 😉🎂🎂

Honestly, the first four were awful, she stuck to me like glue and found them quite stressful. She's warming up though and the one she attended today she certainly needed me there, but she knows all of her classmates and was happy to participate. We have discussed it a lot, and said she can just pick a few friends to come to our house instead, but she is adamant that she is friends with everyone and can't possibly pick a few people, and unfortunately our house just isn't big enough for 30 children!

Oh wow, that's so alien to me because around here, 90% of parties are in village halls and parents sort everything! I don't think either of mine have ever been to a soft play type party?!

Soft play is only for the very young kids. What about pool parties/pizza making/football/climbing etc? They can't all be in a hall with a bouncy castle or looking at a magician?

Honestly, OP, it’s your daughters party and you do what works best. I like the above suggestion of popping something on the invite along the lines of “we kindly request no siblings attend, unless absolutely necessary, thank you for your understanding”. I have many times had to bring along my other child, always ask first, but wouldn’t feel offended if I couldn’t. Although I possibly wouldn’t have been able to make it.

I’d say provide a glass of fizz if you want, but it’s certainly not expected. Also, I usually just get a Wenzels baguette platter for the parents and do the kids food separately. Good luck, hope the birthday girl has a fab time!

no firewater at these events, a goodie bag, entertainment and possibly a paid helper or two - invite both parents and whole class - i'm glad we did not do it but that was over 30 years ago when ours were aged 5

When I have arranged parties in the past for her brother (years ago!), it was never an issue, but i'm just worried as she's a very different child and she can get overwhelmed and anxious when she doesn't know people. If the party is classmates that she is used to being around all day at school then I think she will be fine, but it's the potential for multiple children who she doesn't know being there, and knowing her, I just worry that it will be too much. (There is a long backstory with her anxiety, it's something we've been working on for a long time, but we just have to try and manage it where we can!) Really, a smaller party would probably be a better solution, but she is desperate to invite her whole class and have a hall and a bouncy castle etc!

Well my son hasn't been to a party since he was 5, and my daughter is 4, so we never got past village hall parties with him, and so far with her they have all been village hall bouncy castle parties because she's only very young still. To be honest, I don't like the idea of a party somewhere else where i'm not in control of everything, despite me being an over-thinker and worrying about this stuff, I actually like party planning!

Not normal here, neither are whole class parties.

When I have arranged parties in the past for her brother (years ago!), it was never an issue, but i'm just worried as she's a very different child and she can get overwhelmed and anxious when she doesn't know people. If the party is classmates that she is used to being around all day at school then I think she will be fine, but it's the potential for multiple children who she doesn't know being there, and knowing her, I just worry that it will be too much. (There is a long backstory with her anxiety, it's something we've been working on for a long time, but we just have to try and manage it where we can!) Really, a smaller party would probably be a better solution, but she is desperate to invite her whole class and have a hall and a bouncy castle etc!

She's been to quite a few parties by now and might not even notice that there are forty kids instead of thirty kids there? You could always tell her that Friend A and Friend' B's siblings might be there because otherwise Friend A and B won't be able to attend? Prepare her a little and see what her reaction is like?

To be honest, I don't like the idea of a party somewhere else where i'm not in control of everything, despite me being an over-thinker and worrying about this stuff

I mean this kindly. Do you think this rubs off on her?

Yes that's true, we don't need to send out invites just yet, so I could test the waters and see what she thinks about siblings coming. Maybe she'll just be so excited that she doesn't give it a second thought!

Former affluent London commuter town (state school) and now in Spain at private international school, and reception year and year one so far … all parties we’ve attended have had some form of adult catering. I just did pizzas, as someone expressed up thread - didn’t cost much and went down really well. In Spain it’s the norm for all parents and siblings to attend and also to invite whole class! In UK, it was common for one young sibling to attend … but I’d always ask if it was OK and also bring extra snacks for him. Regarding booze - most I’ve been to have had it in small amounts .. just a couple of beers or a small glasss of prosecco etc and also tea and coffee. My husband and I don’t drink, so we didn’t have any at ours, but it was also at a farm park, where it wouldn’t seem as appropriate! Ditto soft play! The ones in halls have always had it. I think as kids get older, parties become smaller, often you can drop and leave and no siblings (unless close friends and close in age) or so I’ve heard. Spain parties are always big or nothing, so I won’t be able to duck them .. or course some keep costs down and do marquee in the park etc as we have the weather.

I think in reception most parents would want to stay, it seems pretty young for a drop off party? That being said. When I did a party for my son in reception, one mum did ask to drop and come back, and it was fine - little bit awkward when the boy needed the toilet and came to me (I showed him where they were and hovered outside in case he shouted but it was awkward as I didn’t know him). Most parents stayed. I didn’t provide alcohol as it was in a soft play.

I have said no to my child going to a drop off party where I didn’t know the parents - didn’t feel right.

we did a party in the local park in year 1, this was great. We did wine, beer and soft drinks as we didn’t have a lot of costs at all.

Former affluent London commuter town (state school) and now in Spain at private international school,

😂Glad you clarified this important piece of information.

Oh I see how it could look like that, but I don't think so? In terms of me wanting to be in control, I don't mean that in a negative way, but I mean in terms of me enjoying researching decorations and planning food and just generally all the little bits and pieces that kids probably don't even notice, but I just put my heart and soul into anyway! So the idea of paying a soft play place £10 per child (or however much it costs!), and letting them handle it, takes away the stuff that I enjoy doing, if that makes sense? With regards to me being an over-thinker and worrying about the stuff in my OP, it's not something i've discussed with her, so I don't think it can have had an impact? We've just been merrily discussing party ideas and party colours and balloons and things!

My dd is 3 and has now been to 6 birthday parties, mostly whole-class.

Wine (and sometimes beer) was provided at all but one of them. Food for the parents was provided at about half of them (so yeah, there were a couple of parties with wine but no food for the parents. I picked off dd's plate!)

I really think it must be an area thing. Enough parents set a precedent and then you want to keep up with the Joneses. We did food and wine at both dd's 2nd and 3rd parties too.

Tbf, dd's birthday is in the summer...a summer birthday party with lots of food and cold prosecco and a bouncy castle for the kids... it's just quite a nice way to spend a Saturday!

Ds's birthday is near Christmas time and I can't imagine ever doing that dry either.