How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

We are identical to this- teacher and none teacher couple.

We outsource where possible - cleaner, gardener, ironing service when things build up. I teach too. Term times are crazy and literally one week to the next. Holidays we chill (still do work but pace is easier). It is a roller coaster and I deliberately didn't pursue teaching until. DC was older and fairly self sufficient as I didn't think it was fair to have two parents so busy in term time.

Of course it does. If you read the op post she says he works in an independent school. This could mean extra hours working in the boarding house on a rota evenings/ weekends and also running clubs/ coaching sports etc too.

The OP told us in her very first post that her husband worked in an independent school, and you told her that his having to work until 9pm a couple of nights a week was bullshit because you’d never worked in a school that didn’t lock up by six. Unless you’ve worked in an independent school, your experience is completely irrelevant to the discussion 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm a teacher and my DH definitely does the majority of the housework/nursery drop offs/bed times/cooking in term time. I'm in school from 8am-5pm then another hour or so working in the evening plus a few hours on a Sunday. And this isn't optional stuff I can just choose not to do, I have to do it.
I'm probably leaving teaching in the next year or two for this reason like so many others. I miss my evenings with DH and being more present with my children.

I was a single parent, full time teacher and increasingly became a carer for elderly parents. I ran a club at weekends. There’s no reason why between two of you, you shouldn’t be able to cope, even if it is sometimes tiring and stressful. You’re both trained teachers, so between you you should be able to organise yourselves, even if he has to work long hours some days.

My mum was a teacher.
She did all the:
cooking
cleaning
shopping
child rearing
errand running
looking after the elderlies
GP appts
and every other job that needed doing.

My dad went to work, came home, showered, ate, drank, watched tv and went to bed.

I think you have a man issue, OP, not a teacher issue.

Yes, seriously! Do what you get paid to do and negotiate your working time agreements properly. If it can't be done in those hours then it can't be done that week. I get paid for 195 days per year, 35 hours per week plus CPD. It is possible to protect your sanity by working to your contract, you learn that when you take industrial action and after teaching through covid in centres and online lots of people decided to cease the free work for the government which amounts to minimum wage or less. No thanks.

Twaddle. @DreamTheMoors I've been teaching for thirty plus years and it has got significantly harder over the past ten years. If OP has a "man issue" then my DH has a "woman issue" as he carries most of the load here during the term due to the hours I work.
OP, it won't get easier. Career progression means more responsibilities or schools won't want him and more responsibility means a greater workload.

Oh god I wish.

Can confirm last week I worked til 10pm one evening (school trip) and next week I will work till 10.30pm one day school trip and 7pm another school function.

i still do all the bloody laundry though 🤷‍♀️

To be entirely honest op, my DH has been out of the house at 6.45 and home after 9pm almost every single day of our married life. He isn't a teacher. He takes a week at Christmas, Whit week and the whole of August. Presumably your DH has a minimum of 12 weeks holiday every year.

I am not quite sure why you have a problem.

For the naysayers, dd is teaching, early career, secondary. I am surprised she works so hard. She's in school at 7.45, home by 4.30/5 most nights but often does at least two hours work in the evenings. She also runs drama club once a week which means she's at school until 6pm. Add in a parents' evening every term and after school subject/curriculum meetings and it's more full on than I imagined.

I wonder why people even get married half the time.
Let alone marry a teacher.

I’m one at an indie school. I’m also a single parent to two SEN children who need my full time support in evenings. I have no support from my ex or family.

I am exhausted. Today exhausted. I don’t keep on top of housework or gardening or anything really. I do homework with both of mine and am grumpy and tired as twice a week - I put an all-nighter eg I work through and don’t go to bed and get my marking and preparing done then. It’s the only way I can do the job as I can’t drop them off to breakfast club until 7.30 and I pick them up at 5.30 pm. I am also despite my best belt tightening £200 in debt each month- so it is mounting up. 1 year left for eldest and then 8 years for youngest. But I will be 60 by then. It had taken a huge toll on my health.

OP, my apologies on behalf of many of my fellow professionals who have exceptionally poor comprehension and reading skills.
Just wanted to add the following point to the mix when folk are saying that is how it is in independent boarding schools, yes absolutely, but it often isn’t made clear before you join at all.
If you are coming from the state sector where 2 break or before school duties are standard you may not think to ask if you will need to be in school until 9:30pm 1 or more nights a week as it is outside your frame of reference (nearly got burned myself, a few mates did).

Chikoletta · Today 20:33

To all the posters asking why I chose to have another child - accidents happen. I couldn’t ethically choose abortion (no judgement on those that do - im pro-choice) so here we are.

Fair enough. I think posters were surprised that you were having another baby when you're already finding life challenging. I couldn't have either.

Of course it's not irrelevant

there are different expectations because there are extra things going on, not to mention school on Saturdays.

@Britpop123

or they'll remember the brilliant things they did in the holidays with Dad, or being able to do their chosen hobby or having a great garden to play in.

I'm the teacher and I chose to send my kids to the school I work in. They come with me in the morning and a childminder after school. Most of the week I collect them and take them to their hobby. It is 3 nights a week starting a 5pm after school. My DH works from home one of the days so he can do the drop off. He also collects from school one day a week but 3 days a week it is me and the kids, meals in slow cooker ready when we get home.
Being a teacher and a parent is tricky but manageable if you are organised. There is one night a week that we have meetings and other occasional things like parents night or a concert but otherwise I can work round things. I'm in the middle of reports. I've been doing all the stuff with my own kids then starting reports at 8pm working until midnight all last week. I'm half way through them now though, thankfully!
Your DH sounds like he is making excuses and needs to organise himself better to have a better balance.

This is nothing to do with being a teacher. I work 10 hour days in healthcare, my DP does similar but les intense hours. We both do our bit. I find teachers quite prone to this sort of exeptionalism.

@lemmefinish

im regularly picking up at 9 and sometimes at 10pm, so yes unless you think the kids are there by themselves??

Can he use Chat gpt 4 to help with lesson plans and schedules etc? Planning every minute of class time was so time consuming as a teacher and Chat gp4 does it in seconds..

The OP still hasn't said if she works; she did say she used to be a teacher.
Perhaps if her husband is the sole earner with a large family to provide for he is feeling considerable pressure to ensure job security?

Really?

have you ever worked in an Indie??

definitely not.

But OP's DH is not obliged to work in this type of school if it isn't compatible with his family situation.

My wife is a teacher, not private. She doesn't t drop anything in term time.
It's more that after we have shared the kids homework support if they need it.
First one home talks to the kids about their day any probs etc then we share the info.
We take turns or usually do dinner together.

Then while the kids are plugged in for a bit of chill (no screens upstairs though.)
I used to teach at the same school and we were best friends. Why wouldn't I want to share and make things easier for my friend?
She has just moved schools to one that is 10 mins away rather than 45. That has made a huge diff in working together as just more time.
I work from home but don't finish until 6.30.

I think it gets easier as the kids get older. We have tea after the children's baths and then us play watch a film, tv show etc while finishing up any planning/work we have.

In the holidays my wife plans things for them to do -and they have a great time. She gets to be 'present'all day while so take days off when I can as I have less holiday allowance no. We do sometimes use a childminder whoxh is fine when you pay before tax

Don't have load manic money but think we make an effort to prioritise us, if we don't work then everything gets harder.

I can't currently drive due to a medical condition so we go shopping together at the weekwnd as well.

Would things be easier if you could drive/access some childcare?