How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

35 hours? Are you having a joke? Seriously?

One of the boys in my class’ dad is a senior teacher and SENCO at an elite boarding school. The hours he works are incredibly long in terms of being on site, but he does seem to do a lot less at home than me. His wife and I recently talked about this when she helped on a trip, and she says he’s not home before 10pm three nights a week (hour long commute). However, he hardly brings any work home, and his holidays are his own.

I teach in a state primary. In school for 7.30am, leave at 5pm and then normally work 7-10pm three or four evenings a week. Obviously when reports are due I do have to work entire weekends/pull all nighters, but that’s once a year. I work a long day every week during the short holidays (DDs go for a grandparent day out). DH does all our cooking etc, but I bring DD1 to school with me (she’s in reception in my school, next village along from us) and drop off/collect DD2 at grandparents, who do preschool runs.

It’s hard to say whether your DH is working excessively, but I have heard that hours are longer in the private sector, though workload is lower. Sympathies with him for the being stressed during term time - poor DH says I’m so snappy unless it’s a two week school holiday!

This

I think long-term we will look to him moving to the state sector, or at least regularly review as his career progresses. His current place only has accommodation for single staff not families or we’d have gone with that I think. Things will ease for us come September to some extent due to change in circa for various family members and perhaps in the long term he can reduce his hours and I will
up mine.
Am certainly not looking for sympathy points, I know lots of people have it just as hard when it comes to long hours. For us we seem the last 3 or 4 years have been really hard for a number of reasons, we work to improve one situation but then something else crops up. But we will keep plugging away.

Why do you let him get away with not being hands on and staying out every night?

And why are you having another child if life is so difficult?

I'm a bit worried that so many teachers have such poor comprehension skills. It is obvious that he can't leave at 4 pm in a boarding school where he is on duty till 9pm. What don't people understand?

OP I hope he gets nice long holidays, independent schools do seem to get longer holidays.

Married to a teacher who is studying part time
We have a cleaner and a gardener fortnightly and get a general handyman in for all the odd jobs like putting up shelves / painting etc. I do almost all the drop off / pick ups except for one day a week when I'm in the office and he does them.
(I work full time)
It's expensive to pay someone else to do a deep clean / garden once a fortnight, but it has made a real difference to our quality of life as things don't get overwhelming. And I save a fortune on holiday care! DD starts school this year and hopefully that will be at his school so that will also be a support with some drop offs or pick ups if necessary.
We also do a lot of batch cooking and meal planning - we have to be super organized.
(DD 4 and DSS 15 live here full time)

This isn’t a teacher issue. I was a Head and a mum to a young child and juggled it like all my other non-teacher friends.

it’s takes juggling, and prioritising and not doing it all. DH works crazy hours too and needs direction and reminders that I’m not a SAHM.

boarding is great in that all meals are provided ( less to think about) and generally longer holidays and sometimes funded accommodation.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross I've been a teacher for over 10 years and u have never worked in (or had friends work in) schools where the caretaker doesn't lock up at 6pm. Any thay don't really don't have welfare of staff in mind. Independent school would be the only exception here. OP if you husband doesn't like the private sector he could always look for a job in state schools?

@Chikoletta How many hours do you work currently?

Strongly advise he tries to move to a day school! I've worked in independent schools for a decade, but only day schools, which actually offer a better quality of life for teachers than state schools IMO.

I do think independent schools are especially difficult for early career teachers - because the have the worst of both words. Planning still takes ages and loads of extra tasks you would not have in a state school.

My mum was a teacher and she managed to pick me up from the child minder every day but she did work until 10/11 most nights at home to make up for this. Teaching is such a hard job!
We had a cleaner every week as I just don't think it would have been viable others. She was a single mum.

Hmm strange my OH is a teacher and is actually home by 4pm. I’m home at 6 when I’m in the office but recently I now work from home.

The only issue with term time is when he has a heap of marking to do, but he will bring it home and be on “do not disturb” mode or it will mean we loose him on a weekend. Again marking from home but this only happens about 3/4 times a year. He has the occasional training which might happen a few times a term.

Also he has an early bedtime - we are also expecting and I wonder how many night shifts he will take.

Something else to add is that his commute time is about 20 mins so if yours has a longer commute time I can imagine it adding up.

I guess if you had to work long hours when you were at school, then perhaps it’s different per school. But I would be questioning why 9pm is the norm.

I did it as a single parent. It's bloody intense but he has no excuse to opt out!

Beyond his compulsory evening shifts, he needs to be pulling his weight more though OP.

You know yourself that in teaching, as with any job, there's people who prioritise their time at work and people who prioritise their families. There's a lot of parent teachers who find that their housework is a lower quality in term time because of workload and that in the holidays that's their catch up time, but that's very different to being quite as hands off as you've described.

In a state secondary, doesn’t lock up till 2000

If you read the whole thread you’d know why he works till 9 🤦

its a boarding school

Yea, but teachers are actually held accountable so can't just delete emails/WhatsApp messages and pretend everything's fine.

I work in an independent school, and my husband does the lions share during term time. He does schools runs, packed lunches, cooking etc. I do cleaning and washing. During the holidays I do everything

All meals are not provided for staff? Lunch would be on a working day for the teacher. Not for the family.

Workload is definitely not lower. Standards are very high in high performing schools. Lazy staff are soon obvious and it doesn’t go down well.

He sounds incompetent in his job. He’s an infant school teacher. I work in the private sector and most have left by 5pm. However, the senior sector leave late, some as late as 7pm, never 9pm unless its parents’ evening.

@surreygirl1987 interesting, I honestly might be misremembering the hours at DH's previous school. Obviously they were long and crazy, but I remember it being very flexible. However it was a school where all teachers were required to live on site (you had to get permission to live out!) so he'd often be home during breaks etc. Also we only had a baby at that time. I might feel differently now with two school age children! Our current school is super family-friendly.

Agree that you have to commit wholeheartedly to boarding life or it won't work. DH is a housemaster and we love it, but the school continually has issues with staff who don't realise what they've signed up for and don't want to be all in. It can be a wonderful family life, but it's unique and not for everyone.