How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

Well I’m single mum to three under 10, one 9 months, things out of my control happned did not plan it to be like this. I’ve just gone back to work I do all drop offs pick ups, cleaning, washing etc no family help what so ever. least you get a break in the school holidays that’s all I can say

I'll admit I don't know anyone that works at a boarding school and while the hours/pressures/expectations are different, I'm pretty sure it's the not the only long hours job that could leave a partner doing the lions share of the work.
So the problem is not being a teacher per se (albeit teaching in a boarding school is less flexible) but the hours hes working not being conducive to family life
A PP compared an HGV driver and this was dismissed as less pressured etc ...Its like comparing apples and oranges - different sorts of pressure ....but the partner at home (whether their OH is a lorry driver/teacher/surgeon etc) will all be in a similar position. After doing a 12-15 hour day of any sort of work means the person won't be on top form or eager to get stuck into household chores and admin.

Op, in answer to your question, you make choices as a family.

It does get easier - I’m 5 years in and I only bring exam marking home, and will normally spend between 1 hour marking a set of 25-30 foundation combined sconces papers, to 6-7 hours marking Biology Higher papers. Year 7,8&9 papers I’ll mark during breaks at school. I do get to work at 7 and leave at 5pm, but am only PT 4 days a week, but I also am a head of year (270 pupils).

My OH is a matron in a very busy hospital unit - now they work long hours, regular there from 7am to 8 pm 5 or six days a week.

Lesson planning becomes a 5 min task once you have a full repertoire of lessons as you can view them and adapt according to your classes.

Could you please confirm how many hours you do at work as it’s not clear?

Sorry but no. I’m a teacher and I do all the drop offs, cook the majority of the meals and we take turns doing bedtimes/bath times. I often have to do my work on an evening BUT I do this after bedtime and regularly have to spend a couple of hours on a Sunday working (trying to reduce this but it’s hard!)
I will say though, our house isn’t beautifully clean and amazingly presented (we are looking into a cleaner). We do keep it clean but it’s not spotless.

Or if they are supporting the family financially alone! Depending on the ages of the children I really don't understand how running a house is so difficult, even pregnant, three hours a day should be more than enough time. Who deals with the outside stuff I often wonder when jobs are being itemised?

Exactly! It seems that many believe that the teachers are out after the last child, having to stay a three hours for meetings etc is not unknown.

He works at an independent boarding school……

Calm down, comprehension is poor on MN! People only take in the information that suits their narrative.

Ok coming back here to read the latest has made me wonder if I’ve accidentally walked into AIBU instead.

To all the posters asking why I chose to have another child - accidents happen. I couldn’t ethically choose abortion (no judgement on those that do - im pro-choice) so here we are. But those criticising me, please don’t act like you all your life’s are perfectly under control and unexpected events never happen - it’s just not true.

He’s taking the piss! You come home, help with the kids, have dinner etc then work when they’re in bed.

Have you enquired if there is accommodation at the school suitable for a family?

Rent your own house out..
Wouldn't suit everyone but if something has to give....

BS yourself. Parents evenings when I was a kid were once a year per kid, now they can be once a term or more. Teachers in secondary who teach across several years often have the damn things every week.

Well it’s not going to be any easier with a 4th child op. Going by your other posts this is number 4 as I’ve noticed you’ve avoided answering how many

Nah,sorry this is bollocks. By these standards, DC would only eat or wash in the holidays as DH and I are both teachers.

I'd be interested to hear whether female teachers get to opt out of family life during term time too.
lots of female teachers go part-time to manage the job and their families.

and male teachers have the same right to request

I have 3 friends who move to private schools. Yes, the hours you have to be on the premises are longer in term time, but the number of weeks in a term are fewer. They all prefer it.

Many Private schools also have excellent discounts on fees for the dc of staff, and many also have Nurseries which operate for all the time the staff are there too.
You need to sit down together and work out a better way of living for you as a family.
Whether that is more money spent on things to help with the house during term time, or whether that is things like a better way to do drop off (a car for you? School / Nursery that is closer? / dh dropping them off at breakfast club on the way to work?) or whether that is him finding a different job (though he will never find one with that much time at home during the holidays private schools have) is going to be different for different families.

@Chikoletta I know you said you used to be a teacher, but what do you do for work now?

I was a teacher for many years but gave it up to become a HLTA as the demands of the job were just ridiculous and I found I didn't have enough quality time for my own family really.

To be honest, his working hours don't sound at all different to many roles and professions, so I think it is just life really.

this is possibly a good option though at DHs school you have to be house staff to have this. and even some of the assistant houseparents don't and have to live off site. it does free up money though for more household help

Nope it's exactly the same. My husband picks up a lot of the slack- does all drop offs pick up, tea, clubs, lunch boxes. I spend every Friday night cleaning, every weekend doing a million loads of washing, do all childcare, marking, planning. Then week returns husband steps in. It's exhausting for all of us.

DH and i both work at an independent school.

Basically the house is pretty chaotic in term time. We have 4 DC (aged 7 to 3 months). We prioritise time with the children over housework and have very little time for it. Some gets done after the kids are in bed, some gets caught up on at weekends. But frankly we aren't generally tidy during term time!

Sometimes I worry about how the children feel about that.... we don't quite too into unhygienic, but kitchen and bathrooms DEFINITELY don't get a proper clean often enough.

So do female teachers get a "pass to ignore housework"? Well yes and no! Only absolutely essential stuff gets done during term.

I'm married to a farmer not a teacher, this is my life constantly. Honestly I'd as well be a single parent most of the time and you just have to get on with it (not looking for a sympathy vote) but just saying there are a lot of jobs where husbands work these hours without the school holidays

@Chikoletta I am also a teacher and this year cut down to 4 days. As the high earner in our family we have had to be more careful with money but the difference it has made is unbelievable. Though I don’t do the late hours your DH does I stay late 1 out of 4. The other 3 I come home and then start work around 7.30pm once my dd is in bed. Tonight I will be working as my DH is off tomorrow so won’t want to do my usual routine of Sunday working! It’s a tough job and I honestly can’t imagine having to do boarding duty on top of that. I suppose it comes down to you both discussing options. Is there another school he could try and work in that would not require the additional boarding hours? Can you afford for him to drop a day? It’s very difficult as my DH works extremely long hours and I often feel like I am spinning plates trying to do it all. If I could go back in time this isn’t the career I would choose but then I love children and helping them grow so can’t imagine doing something else! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think it’s related to him being a teacher OP. Having young kids often coincides with the time in your life when you’re really pushing your career forward. For us it was from aged 30 to 40. We both were putting a lot of hours into our professions and had a young family. It was tough. We outsourced everything we could afford to, but it was still very difficult to manage the load at times.

On the bright side, it does pass. We are both (mid 40’s) established now at the top of our professions and our kids are teens so they help around the house and life has relaxed a lot.

So I wouldn’t wistfully dream of your DH having a different job as it would probably still be as hard, unfortunately it’s just the time of life you are in right now.

Boarding school life as a teacher does not get any easier. The only families I know who made it work long term were heavily embedded in campus life: houseparents, or both partners employed by the school. It’s totally unmanageable and unless there is a big financial advantage to working in this particular school I would be looking for a new post.

c) school hours and expectations seem excessive. I've never known a school where teachers need to be on site 8:30-5:30 every day. DH has always had some earlier and some later finishes. Also two boarding duties a week doesn't sound normal for a regular member of staff either... typically it would be one for a regular teacher attached to a house.

Nah my old boarding school hours were 8:30-5:30 (and I often had meetings at 7:30am AND after school), and my husband's boarding school hours were 8:30am-6pm , and he had to do a boarding duty every week plus Saturday school plus extra curriculars as a 'regular' member of staff. You might never have known a school like this, but there are LOADS around!

I agree with what you day about not living 40 mins away though. My husband used to, and it was awful. He'd get back past 11pm on boarding duty nights and was constantly late for work. It was a horrendous juggle and didn't work for us. We should have taken one of the school houses, but my husband wasn't keen. Now we live less than 15 mins from our schools (day schools!), and it is all much less intense. Moving schools was the answer for us. In my experince, to make a boarding school job work for you, you have to commit as a family - i.e. live there (do they not offer free or cheap accommodation??), make use of the facilities, put your children in the school (I presume staff discount?). Boarding schools are only really worth it if you make use of those perks. If not, why doesn't he just move to a day school and then family life will be easier for everyone?