Health visitor stressing out dd

[Babynan22]

My grandson is 11 months old. He will seem to sit up when on dds bed or the sofa. But he won't sit up on the floor. He can roll over and if he's laying on his back or front he kind of pushes his legs and ends up a few feet away. She does get him doing tummy time etc but he always gets very upset . She still trys though.

Hes quite small but he's in proportion. His mum is only 5ft 2. His dad is around 5ft 6. His nan on his dad's size is only around 5ft. 2 and her build is slight. So it could just be that GS takes after them . HV said hes around the Size of an 8 month old.

The other day the health visitor used a bit of string to see if GS would try and grab it but he was not interested. Hv was saying he should be trying to grab it by now.

He's mostly a content happy baby . Dd can encourage feeding but she can't force feed him. Once he's had enough he just spits it out and turns his head away . He smiles laughs listens, tries to copy .

Hv makes comments like when ever I visit you he's always in that chair. But he's not always in the chair. May have been in it when she knocks but that's likely to be because dd . Has probably had some cleaning to do before hv turns up.

She's always trying to force dd to go to play groups dd has made it clear that she does not Want to she hates them places etc.

Dd did have a social worker for quite a long time due to DV . He's in prison now. Social services have now closed the case . We are wondering if the HV is judging her because she had a social worker.

Incase it matters there is autism in both sides of the family

How is the HV judging her?

The baby's development is delayed from what you've said and there's been past safeguarding concerns.

The HV is right to be trying to get her to take the baby out to groups.

Think if it from the HV's perspective, there's a gross motor delay, a nearly 1 year old isn't sitting up reliably and when she see's the child it's always strapped into a chair.

I would be concerned too.

The HV—and your DD—are surely both wanting the best for the child which should include early intervention and supplemental support for issues of poor growth or development?

Ok: over feeding is not going to make a naturally small person larger. But more stimulation and socialization can make a slowly developing child more interested, challenged, securely developing.

I've always hated playgroups. I'm guessing from reading between the lines that GS gets plenty of socialisation with extended family (certainly with one grandparent at least, ie op)

"Average" sizes are just that - a perfectly healthy 11mo could be the size of an "average" 8mo because the variation between 10th percentile and 90th percentile is so wide.

Some HVs are a bit daft. I've only met one that has ever seemed with-it.

It is going to be a bit stressful if your child isn’t meeting developmental milestones. So the fact that she feels a bit anxious isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you see what I mean?

Baby groups can be a great place to learn new activities to do with your baby. I find the social aspect awkward too but I do pick up some good tips. If she’s not keen on them then could you offer to go with her? Or take him for her?

My dd has always met her milestones but if a stranger dangled a string at her, she'd probably make a wtf face.

Now, if it were a teething toy or something, maybe.

The problem with some HVs is they make wild extrapolation based on a few quick observations.

That's completely necessary in cases of abuse etc. But not in terms of learning milestones.

I think it’s brilliant HV are flagging a potential developmental delay. So often they wait for parents and then the waiting list is years long. Sounds like they could be a little more sensitive but more HV like this would be great.

Ok. So autism...how bendy are you? Hypermobility and autism are often linked. If you are like us, you might not have noticed as you are all extra bendy! Definitely worth getting advice from GP about the delay.

I don’t see that the HV is doing anything wrong.

Ps you can look up baby's mid centile estimate. That means looking up which percentile mum and dad are each on and expecting the baby in the middle.

Eg I'm 5ft4 which I think is 45th percentile ish
Dh is 5ft11 which is 75th percentile ish

So the kids should be 60th percentile ish.

It doesn't always work...Dd has always tracked between 50th-60th percentile whereas my chonky DS baby is currently 90th percentile.

But it might help reassure - sounds like op's SIL is quite short for a man so the baby is expected to be small

Edit - there's a page in the Red Book about mid centiles so do check it out

Centiles are less of an issue here. It's development that is being flagged up.

Be honest OP, dangling the piece of string was one aspect of a full developmental assessment wasnt it. You've used the piece of string to make it sound like one random thing the HV did which the baby couldn't do, to make the HV sound like she's jumped to conclusions.

Would be interested to hear details of the full assessment.

This is the mid centile chart to reassure about the baby's weight

The HV is doing what she’s supposed to be doing. If she didn’t offer advice and your dd later discovered that her son should have been referred for developmental delay then she’d be rightly angry at the HV for not flagging.

It’s possible that the HV is using a critical tone that we don’t know about but does she know that the parents are both smaller than average so baby may also be the same? Is the baby following the same centile lines from birth because that’s a better indicator of a problem than the current centile percentage.

Has your dd mentioned the autism ? Autism and hyper mobility often go hand in hand and that can mean later than average mobility. Is your dd mistaking her baby’s developmental delay as criticism of her parenting ? If so reassure her that it’s not the case and you’ve seen her try hard with the right activities like tummy time.

Baby is probably autistic if it runs in the family on both sides. Nothing to worry about but keeping a close eye on if he's just a little late with milestones or if he's significantly and could benefit from physiotherapy or speech therapy is worth doing.

What you've described does sound like it's worth a referral soon, especially with how waiting lists are.

The health visitor is doing her job.

Your DD is vulnerable, having experience DV and now being up her baby alone. That doesn't mean that the HV thinks she's not a good mother. It means that she recognises that your DD might need support and a network outside the home.

DD's baby is a little delayed. That might mean something or it might mean nothing. But as you've said that there's autism in the family, again, the HV is doing what she's paid to do. If she didn't do her job properly in later years you might be complaining that she hasn't spotted a need for the baby to have early intervention to boost his development.

Bring a health visitor is one of those jobs where you can't do right for doing wrong (as my late MIL used to say). Where it's needed, the HV 's support is most resented. And those who don't need the support resent her doing the checks that are part of her job (but would be the first to be horrified if she missed delay, abuse or neglect in another family).

@Babynan22 encourage your daughter to see the HV as being helpful, rather than encouraging DD to dismiss concerns. Her baby needs to meet other babies for socialisation so a mum and baby club, while she might not enjoy it, is part of providing the best environment for her baby (unless she already has a decent circle of mum and baby friends, which I don't get the impression that she does).

Basically due to the information you shared at the end of your post the HV is concerned about the development of your grandson and wants to ensure that it is genetic rather than environmental.

So your DD would help herelf by:

1. Making sure your grandson is on the floor playing or in a playpen when the HV is due to visit.
2. Trying all the playgroups and library rhyme times in the area, and going to the one she dislikes the most regularly. (Regularly doesn't mean every week in a row.) This is because even if the other parents are a-holes and won't speak to her, the people who run it often can provide helpful advice. One thing with being a parent you end up doing stuff you dislike because it helps the development of your child.

Thank you. Its coming across like the HV want GS to fit neatly into a little box. And yes he's often around children, and other babys . And if course adults, parks , soft plays . She takes him swimming as well . So sge does things with him

You shouldn't be interpreting this so negatively OP; they have been flagged as needing extra support and the HV is just doing her job!

If he's around other babies, then your DD should find out what playgroups etc the parents of the other babies take them to and join them there if possible.

Your DD should aim to ensure the HV doesn't have any reason to escalate to social services over what are likely medical issues.

HV is not judging.

She's trying to encourage mum to support baby's development and to get out and about and make social connections - which is good for both mum and baby.

All her advice sounds spot on.

I had forgotten about this till you just said. My son who has autism . And had /has hypermobility. He was delayed with physical development. I can't remember who when he sat up. Bit he did not stand until he was 20 months

Dd did mention autism in blthe sides of the family and HV said that's nothing to do with it.

I can't stand HVs and have always found them a bit patronising, but the baby does sound a bit delayed and that should be a concern.

I never liked playgroups where the kids just wander freely and the parents sit and chatter, but my dcs have done well in baby and toddler classes like Hartbeeps and Gymboree. Much better for the socially awkward as you just interact with your dc and there's a stream of activities and songs so no pressure to make small talk. I would recommend something like that.

Dd accepts he's a bit behinde . It's the way hv seems to think dd should be able to correct it . Even though dd is doing things to encourage GS to develop .

She just will not leave dd alone over the play groups. Even though dd does alternative things.

So bizarre this hatred of professional people who's job is to help! This is a young woman who has suffered an awful trauma and is bringing up baby who is showing signs of developmental delay on her own. But hey, how very dare someone try to offer her support....

Has she been to any play groups? They're all different so she may find one she likes.

I had a baby in October and we've been to a couple. I go to one and often sit and chat to a girl who is in a mother and baby placement - she's very open and nobody is judging her. If that's what your daughter worries about? There's single mums, double mums (donor dad), grandparents, childminders etc. is she worried she doesn't fit in? Takes all kinds to make a world (and a variety of mums!).

Baby does sound a bit behind so maybe she should take the help? See it as a help rather than a negative.

Failing all that I think you can opt out of health visitor but to be honest I wouldn't, baby may need referrals and health visitors can help push that.