Health visitor stressing out dd

[Babynan22]

My grandson is 11 months old. He will seem to sit up when on dds bed or the sofa. But he won't sit up on the floor. He can roll over and if he's laying on his back or front he kind of pushes his legs and ends up a few feet away. She does get him doing tummy time etc but he always gets very upset . She still trys though.

Hes quite small but he's in proportion. His mum is only 5ft 2. His dad is around 5ft 6. His nan on his dad's size is only around 5ft. 2 and her build is slight. So it could just be that GS takes after them . HV said hes around the Size of an 8 month old.

The other day the health visitor used a bit of string to see if GS would try and grab it but he was not interested. Hv was saying he should be trying to grab it by now.

He's mostly a content happy baby . Dd can encourage feeding but she can't force feed him. Once he's had enough he just spits it out and turns his head away . He smiles laughs listens, tries to copy .

Hv makes comments like when ever I visit you he's always in that chair. But he's not always in the chair. May have been in it when she knocks but that's likely to be because dd . Has probably had some cleaning to do before hv turns up.

She's always trying to force dd to go to play groups dd has made it clear that she does not Want to she hates them places etc.

Dd did have a social worker for quite a long time due to DV . He's in prison now. Social services have now closed the case . We are wondering if the HV is judging her because she had a social worker.

Incase it matters there is autism in both sides of the family

I wholeheartedly agree that the baby should be going to baby groups. I didn't particularly like them too, but went for the good of my babies. They were really useful. They introduced new toys and an environment and gave me new ideas of things to try at home. My babies also had the opportunity to interact with others and copy their behaviour in terms of crawling/walking etc.
She should try different groups out and see which is the most tolerable. She could go onto local forums and see if anyone else wishes to join her and they can go together. It helps to go with friends. It's hard to meet people at the actual groups I found.
I think that if she chatted to other mums she would also pick up tips/see what else she could be doing.
If the HV has made recommendations, she would be wise to follow them.

Most playgroups are free or very cheap . I still agree with the rest though.

Dd takes gs swimming , soft play, she has lots of toys for him at home. He has lots of toys here . He is around adults, primary school children , teens also dd has a few friends who have babys as well.

It's amazing how many posters think all health visitors are awful.

This health visitor is clearly trying to assess whether the child is delayed due to a medical issue or neglect. It doesn't mean she thinks the OP's daughter is purposely not parenting well, but that she may need more support- especially due to her traumatic history.

They absolutely cannot win. You hear about the tragedies that occur when things are missed by professionals and people shout that the HV/ social services didn't do their job. They try and do their job and they're awful for doing it.

My hv recommended going to different groups and classes but it was actually for my benefit as well as my dd. The hv thought it would be good for me to go and chat to other mums and socialise more myself.
I understand your dd is worried and feeling stressed, I don’t think the hv is trying to be judgmental but is trying to get across the developmental delays.

Could you attend the next visit and support your dd to
help her voice her own feelings.

When my baby was little the Head of the Health Visiting Association had an article in "The Times" where she stated that the role of the HV was to teach ignorant mothers the three c's: cooking, cleaning and communication.

Now how about telling us when that was, @RosesAndHellebores . Because my kids are in their mid thirties and health visitors weren't about cooking and cleaning at all even then.

Why do you think that your experience however many decades ago is relevant today, or to OP 's DD's experience?

Or maybe it's from one extreme to the other

@saraclara - it was Spring 1996! I'd had such a bad experience it struck a chord. I sent it to the CEO of the local NHS Trust and our MP to invite comment.

... Which (though surprising) is still 28 years ago.

It doesn't sound as though the health visitor is judging her she is just doing her job.
It's not his size that is a worry but it does sound as though he has developmentally delay. I would expect a baby that age to be able to sit confidently and be starting to move, climb etc and to grab something in front of them. It is also understandable that the HV is suggesting your daughter takes him to playgroups. Socialising with other parents would be good for your daughter and your grandson might enjoy being around other babies and children

What is it with HVs and playgroups do they get commission or something?

Mine was OBSESSED with me going to them and in the end I had to be quite firm and tell her I had zero intention of ever going so I wasn't asking, i was now telling her to not mention them again. Maybe your DD needs to do the same.

The not sitting up would concern me a bit so I'd ask for specific guidance about what needs to happen there but the rest - nah, ignore. Use the HV for useful stuff, ignore the rest.

I think dd may need to do this to be honest.

Dd gets that gs Is behinde but there's other ways to encourage his development other than hv screaming play group. And there's also referrals if she's that worried.

Hi OP
I can understand how it feels overbearing to your daughter. But I recognise you from your spellings (you're the only person in the world who spells it behinde 😉) and tbh there's enough going on in your daughter's life that you've previously mentioned, including MH issues, other child's disability and difficulty controlling her temper when annoyed in public, that honestly I think the HV is right to be quite attentive and full-on. Maybe just accept that she wants the best for your grandson?

@Babynan22 What is it about the playgroups that she (and you) don't like?
You said she goes to soft play - well the playgroups (called Stay and Play where I live) were basically a similar thing. A place with a bunch of things baby can play with and other random adults you can either ignore or make polite small talk with. One Stay and Play actually had a soft play style ball pit in the building.
The Stay and Plays were "council" run (so in Children's Centres, "1 o'clock club" places etc). They had professional play leaders and outreach workers who led the sessions, gave advise and would also talk to the parents who were sometimes "left on the side" because they would sense they were shy, anxious etc.
This is probably what the HV is suggesting. (not an expensive franchise "class").

I would say the HV is doing what she is supposed to. It sounds as if GS is a bit delayed and the waving a piece of string is probably part of a wider assessment.

How often is the HV seeing GS and is it always in their home? It seems like a regular thing if she's commenting about the chair. I saw the HV with DD 3 times in 2 years. My friend whose little boy has a speech delay has seen the HV 5 times at the HV base and then weekly for 6 weeks on a children's centre run speech course. Maybe DD can ask if there are any sessions to help GS at your children's centre or if she can see HV at the children's centre? This may fulfill attending groups as well as not having the pressure to clean for the HV.

DD is vulnerable (due to her autism as well as past DV). The HV is trying to encourage playgroups as a way for DD to form a social network of other mums. Playgroups are a cheaper option than lots of the paid for groups so she is maybe suggesting them to make DD aware of cheaper alternatives. Organised groups like music/ dance/ swimming don't have as much mum social time as a playgroup. You can attend every paid group in your area and be very lonely as a mum as most people turn up, do the class, a few mums will know one another and chat but other than hello, bye and maybe a couple of minutes of superficial chat in short bursts between activity's there is no way to connections.

I'm guessing DD takes GS to see wider family and goes out and about with friends too. Try and frame the HV involvement as positive and maybe see if DD can take GS to some childrens centre sessions. There is one session at our children's centre for anxious mum's (socially and also general anxiety) and it's a more structured session with a bit of time set aside for socialising. One of my friends attended it when her DS was 8 months old and it helped her to feel more confident attending the playgroup I met her at.

The thing is that the HV can't refer the baby at this stage. It's early days and he might well catch up. Her role is to help DD access interventions and activities that might encourage his development. If she doesn't take up those opportunities, then it's hard for the HV to work out whether his delay is responsive to stimulation and he'll catch up, or whether it's more fundamental.

Fgs . I was speaking about other stuff. Now the thread is going to get 100% deraild. . It was already being twisted misunderstood etc.

Your wrong about some of the stuff you mentioned. But im not even going to explain try and explain. As the thread will now go on a mad one .

And those held at Children's centres are often engagement activities to develop parenting skills and confidence.They also can signpost access to wider support networks, health and benefit advice. Has her past experiences perhaps made her wary of advice and asking for support?

But a paediatrician isn't always necessary. My nephew has hypermobility and was delayed with walking. A referral to physio was done and in the meantime, the HV gave my SIL some resources and activities to work on with him. By the time the physio appt came around, he was walking. An immediate paediatrician referral without trying some initial interventions would have been overkill and an absolute waste of resources.

OP, the HV wants the best for your grandson. Have you been there when the HV is talking to your DD? Could DD perhaps have a bit of a chip on her shoulder about professionals 'sticking their noses in' due to other past involvement with healthcare services etc and she's perhaps choosing to resent the HVs involvement as opposed to recognising that this is a professional simply doing her job?

You and your daughter may "not like" playgroups but regardless if I liked something or not, I'd be doing it if it was for the good of my child.

Does the HV push DD towards a particular group, like stay and play sessions at the Children's centre which are staffed by paid workers? Or sessions run by a group of mums at the local church hall?

He has developmental delay, is small for his age, has a history of trauma, a vulnerable lone parent, who refuses to take advice and he isn't being socialised as much as he should.

If she isnt taking him to playgroups because of anxiety then that's another concern.

You or someone else should take him.

The family sound like they do need extra support.

You should all listen to the health visitor rather than making unfounded allegations against her.

This!

If the babies dad is in prison for DV isn’t this going to influence any health professionals approach to the family? If your daughter is considered vulnerable they are going to want to support her with parenting?

Hes small yes ...should dd stretch hom and feed him big macs? Did you miss the bit where I said his mum,nan,dad are all small and small framed.

You have made a massive assumption that he has a history of trauma.

Did you also miss the bit where I said dd takes GS swimming, soft play , and to friends houses who have babys of a simlar age. He also spends time at my house where he gets lots of attention and stimulation.

Are people so narrow minded tjst they think development can only happen at a baby play group.

Soft play is pretty pointless for a non mobile baby though. Is she making good choices for his stage of development? Playgroups may be less pressure than one to one at friends' houses, especially if he continues to lag behind.