Health visitor stressing out dd

[Babynan22]

My grandson is 11 months old. He will seem to sit up when on dds bed or the sofa. But he won't sit up on the floor. He can roll over and if he's laying on his back or front he kind of pushes his legs and ends up a few feet away. She does get him doing tummy time etc but he always gets very upset . She still trys though.

Hes quite small but he's in proportion. His mum is only 5ft 2. His dad is around 5ft 6. His nan on his dad's size is only around 5ft. 2 and her build is slight. So it could just be that GS takes after them . HV said hes around the Size of an 8 month old.

The other day the health visitor used a bit of string to see if GS would try and grab it but he was not interested. Hv was saying he should be trying to grab it by now.

He's mostly a content happy baby . Dd can encourage feeding but she can't force feed him. Once he's had enough he just spits it out and turns his head away . He smiles laughs listens, tries to copy .

Hv makes comments like when ever I visit you he's always in that chair. But he's not always in the chair. May have been in it when she knocks but that's likely to be because dd . Has probably had some cleaning to do before hv turns up.

She's always trying to force dd to go to play groups dd has made it clear that she does not Want to she hates them places etc.

Dd did have a social worker for quite a long time due to DV . He's in prison now. Social services have now closed the case . We are wondering if the HV is judging her because she had a social worker.

Incase it matters there is autism in both sides of the family

Damned if they do and damned if they don’t. The HV is trying to help. Ignoring her advice and burying your head in the sand is not the way forward.

Also, the HV should be empowering your dd and celebrating her courage for getting herself out of a relationship where domestic violence prevailed. You shoukd be very proud of her and of your relationship.

@RosesAndHellebores why are you randomly bashing HV's for issues completely unrelated to this thread?

This HV is acting entirely appropriately given the situation. You might have been a very confident and capable parent. You probably didn't NEED a HV to support and advocate for you and your children. They'd have thrived with 0 HV involvement... well good for you! That is not the case for every mother and every child. Not by a long shot.

Hv's simply can't do right for doing wrong. They try to help and support when it's clearly needed like the one this thread is about, and they're moaned about. Parents are defensive when it's pointed out there is more they can be doing to support their child's delayed development. Advice is given, it's not well received.

They don't help and support as much, they leave people to their own devices more... and terrible things happen, babies die, and people are unhappy. There's just no winning with people like you who are determined to be dissatisfied with a service that is on its knees, horrendously understaffed and overworked.

I wish people like you could shadow a HV for a week to see what it's like. I bet my house you'd change your tune when you see the reality of life for some families.

I was going to reply. I honestly can't be arsed

Thank you for saying something kind . A simple kindness can go a long way. Talking to someone in a kind way and being positive to them can as well .

Ie you cam advise and encourage in a positive manner and still get the results that were needed without making someone who's been through alot feel bad

@houseydncf I'm not randomly bashing, I'm drawing parallels and pointing out how many HV's do not adequately communicate to build fruitful and trusting relationships.

However, I'm off the week after Easter and if you can set up shadowing opportunity for me, I'm sure I can suggest some service improvements. Happy to bet the value of your house if I can't

Just saying, there is a lot of high functioning autism in my family. None of them are particularly bendy and all the children on that side of the family are running about at 11 months. (I though my MIL was exaggerating but my children did it too.)

Were you there when HV made the comments or are you just hearing it from your DD? Obviously your DD doesn’t have to take him to playgroups but it does sounds like DGS is developmentally delayed and HV is making suggestions and observations which your DD doesn’t like. Is DD quite young? I just wonder if you were there next time, if HV would be any different in how she speaks to your DD.

It shouldn't make a difference though should it @Retrievemysanity. The HV should be respectful and non patronising whether the the op's dd is alone or if her mum's there with her.

I think not sitting up by 11 months does warrant a paediatrician referral - DD can ask the GP if HV hasn't already referred him. HV is obviously alluding to the possibility that DGS hasn't had the opportunity to develop the skills and strength due to being in a chair a lot i.e. neglect. DD needs to make it clear that she's just put him in it to answer the door or tidy round, or just have him on the floor when the HV visits. It sounds like there's a developmental issue rather than neglect so she also needs to going with referral because she will probably be waiting a year (I have a community paediatrician appointment for DS coming up which was a year from referral)

Are you present or relying on what your dd reports back? Is it possible she has additional needs herself as well as being a vulnerable lone parent? Could she be more on the defensive and feel criticised as a result, rather than hv actually being so. There evidently are some concerns with her baby which hv has quite rightly mentioned. Is she lonely, might that have been why mums/baby groups were suggested , to give her structure and company as well as understand the potential developmental issues. Does she interact and play well with her baby?

The HV wants to understand whether the delay is because of neglect or a physical issue.
In your DDs shoes I would take the child to playgroup and have the baby on the floor when the HV comes. Going to the playgroup will show she is interacting with her baby appropriately.
This will be the fastest way to get the help the baby might need. Help the HV rule out the neglect question as quickly as possible.

Health visitors are juat the worst! Judgmental, unkind, unfriendly.

If a woman was a victim of dv, she needs love, support and kindness, NOT the crap she is dealing with.

No one should be forced to go places they don't want to. Im not surprised dd is defensive. The hv is not even trauma informed, why should your dd trust her?

People come in all kinds of heights and development happens at different stages.

HV are little hitlers in my opinion!

You can add your list to the bottom of mine. Very few of them are in the control of staff on the ground.

When you say forcing, is it forcing or encouraging? I mean at the end of the day your daughter doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to and it might be best for her to smile and nod and not take too much notice?

Little Hitlers. Excellent.

I don't understand your post @houseydncf. On the one hand you accuse me of HV bashing and then you say my lost of service improvements can be added to the bottom of yours and the staff on the ground have no co trolley over them. Are you on the ground?

What an arsey post!

You have described a child that is developmentally delayed.
You have described a situation where this child was exposed to adverse childhood experience of domestic abuse and a parent in prison.
You are describing a parent who doesn't like taking the baby to groups, is perhaps not actually doing as much floor play and tummy time as is needed. Is appearing to have a child sat in a chair or propped up on a sofa rather than actively stimulated.
You are also saying you have autism in the family.

The Health visitor is obviously doing her job and trying to support development. Like it or not stimulation including playgroups do bring on development.
The fact you are seeing the health visitor regularly implies they had concerns and are offering an advanced service and are checking and advising on development. This was probably a condition when children's services stepped back.
They need to establish if development delay is due to lack of opportunity and stimulation or the child has something wrong.
Maybe stop complaining and actually work out what would be the best way to help this baby develop well. Perhaps actually listen to the advice being given.

HV seem to think that playgroups and expensive baby groups are the answer to every problem. If the HV thinks there is a problem with the babys development she should refer to the appropriate help and suppport. Not think that paying an extortionate amount to some baby group franchise is the answer.

Well you have all the 1st paragraph totally wrong.

Play groups are not the only thing in the world that help with development.

Maybe assumptions Need to stop. Maybe positive support is better.

Well you might be right with the autism,DD not wanting to go to playgroup and getting stressed ,when health visitor is just offering help.
It is harder to spot in women,ma y are late diagnosed

Seriously?

We all jump on social workers and HV's etc when something goes wrong or is missed.

Are we also jumping on them when they appear to be applying logic and helpful advice?

Exactly this.

i would rather have stuck pins in my eyes than taken any of mine to a baby group. Has the HV suggested things your DD can do with the baby at home?