Health visitor stressing out dd

[Babynan22]

My grandson is 11 months old. He will seem to sit up when on dds bed or the sofa. But he won't sit up on the floor. He can roll over and if he's laying on his back or front he kind of pushes his legs and ends up a few feet away. She does get him doing tummy time etc but he always gets very upset . She still trys though.

Hes quite small but he's in proportion. His mum is only 5ft 2. His dad is around 5ft 6. His nan on his dad's size is only around 5ft. 2 and her build is slight. So it could just be that GS takes after them . HV said hes around the Size of an 8 month old.

The other day the health visitor used a bit of string to see if GS would try and grab it but he was not interested. Hv was saying he should be trying to grab it by now.

He's mostly a content happy baby . Dd can encourage feeding but she can't force feed him. Once he's had enough he just spits it out and turns his head away . He smiles laughs listens, tries to copy .

Hv makes comments like when ever I visit you he's always in that chair. But he's not always in the chair. May have been in it when she knocks but that's likely to be because dd . Has probably had some cleaning to do before hv turns up.

She's always trying to force dd to go to play groups dd has made it clear that she does not Want to she hates them places etc.

Dd did have a social worker for quite a long time due to DV . He's in prison now. Social services have now closed the case . We are wondering if the HV is judging her because she had a social worker.

Incase it matters there is autism in both sides of the family

I think your dd should practice the following phrase "if you have concerns, please could you refer him to a suitably qualified paediatrician so I can ensure any concerns are resolved as quickly as possible please, along with a clinical diagnosis if necessary". And rinse and repeat every time the hv appears - and I hope they are making mutually convenient appointments.

That's actually a good idea . Thank you .

It sounds like they are more concerned about his development?
That's a good thing as he can be referred to appropriate services such as paediatrician ,portage etc.

Support should be offered not forced . In offering support the mum should not be accused of not trying hard enough.

Yes dd has been through alot maybe she does not want a professional breathing down her neck. Maybe she want to be left alone .

And just to dismiss what dd says is not professional.

If the aim is to support dd the the approach needs to change. Because she's not feeling supported and that's meant to be the aim

That's fine. Not a problem. It's just the way the hv speaks to dd

That's fine. Not a problem. It's just the way the hv speaks to dd

Some children don't meet their milestones because of global development delay etc
It's good the health visitor is being vigilant.

Definitely delayed from how you describe him, I'm sorry to say. The HV is right to be concerned.

@Mumoftwo1312 This baby is very clearly delayed developmentally so you encouraging this to be ignored is bang out of order. Neither of us has met this child don't forget. However a qualified person HAS!

Your DD could ask for a different HV? The service is optional so she could opt out, but it may raise more concerns if they’re already keeping an eye on her and baby.

Why should anyone have to go to a playgroup if they don't want to? So patronising.

Her concerns may be valid but she sounds rude.

Have you ever been there when the HV is there? Partly this would show her that there is family support and also let you see for yourself how the HV is speaking to your DD - it may be that she is misinterpreting. Could you go along to a couple of groups with them for support?

That could be an idea to ask for a change. I think its good to have a HV because as GS is behinde which dd fully accepts. Then HV can do referrals etc which is great . It's more how the hv is talking to dd and making assumptions. That dd is upset about.

Going to playgroups means DGS will have access to other types of toys etc that he doesnt have at home and will aid other areas of development plus being around other child regularly will encourage him to copy their play. Are the playgroups she is being recommended more structured ones like Sure start? Im assuming so rather than tea & play types run by volunteers in church halls so there will be qualified people around for her to build bonds with and if there is an issue it will get picked up early.

If your DD doesn't want to take him why don't you? Get some lovely 1:1 time with him and give her a break.

I don't think she will be judging her for the previous SW involvement but I do think they will be keeping a closer eye on her as she is vulnerable and offer her extra support.

I'm not taking him . I hate them myself. That's why I understand where she's coming from. She gets breaks from him. I have him 3 tines a week..

I wonder if it's a Health Visitor Team run "playgroup" that she is suggesting. One where they can observe the baby a bit more and offer support and advice. The HVs I had when my girl was a baby ran a new baby group for babies that weren't walking and then a stay and play for when they could toddle.
A group like that would be helpful.

I feel like there's something about the pregnancy that you're not revealing here, OP, for the HV to be so hot on the baby's development (because he does sound delayed). Did you DD drink or take drugs?

Yes exactly my view too. Feels like there's something more going on here for the incredibly defensive OP/her DD to be reacting as they are (and her DD just "accepting" the baby is delayed but not willing to try and do something about it per HV advice).

WTH 🤣 dd has never taken drugs or drank during pregnancy. Because GS behinde does not mean dd did anything wrong in pregnancy.

Where did I say dd is not doing anything about it .

If op's gs were really developmentally delayed, the hv would be referring to specialist services (eg SLT, physio, etc as appropriate). Unless I'm reading wrong, all the hv is suggesting is baby groups.

Baby groups are not a medical intervention. Baby groups are just one way (of many) to achieve socialisation. If you can socialise with other families in some other way, it achieves the same purpose.

I can't stand HVs and have always found them a bit patronising

@feeseter to 'not be able to stand' HVs is one heck of a generalisation. These are the people at the front line of protecting children and getting help for mothers. And I bet you'd be the first to criticise 'the system' when a baby dies or a mother has severe pnd and hasn't received any help.

Great, if you knew it all and resented someone who (without knowing you well) offering advice that you found patronising. But let's not slag them all off, because 'the system' and vulnerable mothers and babies need them to be there.

I was comfortable and relatively confident in my parenting when my children were babies. But I had no problem with my HV turning up occasionally (not even when she appeared after I had to take my toddler to a&e). Because they have a job to do and there's no reason for me to be unpleasant about it because I felt I didn't need her.

The HV is concerned because of the background and because he’s delayed. If she wants her off her case just take him to the bloody playgroups. Why are you both so ridiculous about them? So what if you’s hate them. They aren’t for you they are for him

There are many reasons a child can be delayed
Often its just that and children catch up.
Don't assume drinking and drug taking is involved.

@Babynan22 I remember my hv instructing me to attend the weighing clinic and getting quite arsy when I said "fine, how do I make an appointment".

Evidently she thought it would do me good to sit for 90 minutes in the baby clinic to chat with other mums, next to the sick people, as it shared a waiting room with the Dr's surgery. I had a really good network and didn't need to chat in the Dr's at baby clinic.

I went once. It was filthy.

I'd have been far more receptive had she said something like "if you ever need some reassurance, the baby clinic's always available on Monday and Wednesday afternoons". There might be a bit of a wait but if you felt it would be helpful to get the baby weighed or if you need some general advice about, sleeping, feeding, or little rashes, we're there for you".

Instead I got "there are baby clinics on Mondays and Wednesdays and I want you to attend in two weeks". I wanted to know why she wanted me to attend and why it seemed mandatory. There's a huge difference between offering a service and dictating what a mother should do. I suspect that's the nub here, rather than facilitating good choices for your dd, that she can consider and make up her mind, they have been presented as a must do option over which she has no agency.

It's all about communication. When my baby was little the Head of the Health Visiting Association had an article in "The Times" where she stated that the role of the HV was to teach ignorant mothers the three c's: cooking, cleaning and communication. The clinic was filthy, the HV couldn't communicate and I was a trained Cordon bleu cook. Turned me right off them.